A year on and standing

[ovrrnbw]

If I'm reading this correctly, you think she is delaying for her own good, so that she can use the car until she can move and not need it anymore? In that scenario, I get why you wouldn't want to continue this arrangement and why you'd rather end it now and not have her taking advantage of you. But you don't know right? And you can't know either, right? So give it a big ole woosa and let it go. If you want to divorce her do it. If you don't want to divorce her, don't do it. The car is not the issue, the idea of her leaving you and taking advantage of you while doing so is.

As far as driving the knife, yes that's normal IMO. It's usually done when the LBS gets his or her hopes up.

[ToSmile]

Ovrrnbw,

Thanks for bringing me back to the issue which I think I was distracted from. You are right on the part about the crux being her wanting to leave and not the other stuffs. I am a bit confused by her behaviour recently as well thus perhaps subconsciously grew hope and allowed the stabbing.

Example previously I had told her I will stop going over her place for the weekly dinner with her family. Because within me, I feel that if I go over, she would react a day or two later with some stabbing when things seems to somewhat resume to family quo. But not every week, she will ask me if I will be going over even though I told her I would not be anymore. I am not sure if it was my mother in law asking her to invite me weekly but we’ll she could just tell her mum no I am no longer coming?

And recently, she started doing some stuffs that she never did ever since the sitch started. Like suddenly one day she was cooking for my parents, and another day she suddenly handed my parents some gifts and such. Thus I am kinda confuse by her behaviour. She will still tend to be very close with my family members, cousins, aunts and such even though previously she had been avoiding gathering sessions with them. And seems like she is only out to draw blood from me once I let my guard down about from my detachment. Scheme of a waw?

Should I see these signs as something positive or jus ignore it? Actually one think I am always curious about is, what are the signs if she is coming back and how do I react from there?

[ovrrnbw]

There's no way for you to know why she's doing all of that, so don't even try to understand it IMO.

I found this quote a while back and Steve made it famous:

When she wants you, you'll know it. When she doesn't, you'll be confused.

So which is it?

[ToSmile]

Hi ovrrnbw,

Wise words. Recently I am confused with her behavior as she exhibited behavior and signs of whom she was in the past, though it's kinda like some flash backs thus I am also confused.

Will take this phase for judgment.

[neffer]

Hi TS. You know what ‘s said, you need to let her go if you want her back. Do you?

Keep detaching and sticking to DB: no expectations. Show her you’ll go on with your life and being the leader of your family. Avoid those recurrent MR talks about divorce. She knows where you stand, stop that.

How’s GAL going?

[ToSmile]

Hi neffer,

Yes for now I am still detaching and not holding expectations. Holding up the family and focusing on the kids. I never discuss to her anything about marriage and only keep conversations short with regards to day to day matters or regarding the kids.

Like 2 days back she suddenly told me that she will be out of town next week for another holiday. I told her sure ok. Just lt me know if she'll like me to drop her at the air port or pick her up when she is back ( No special intent for this. Just goodwill ). Then she said she never check the time of her flight yet and I told her just let me know if she likes to.

And next Saturday is my Dad's birthday and there will be a family gathering. I told her about the event and just join us if she'll like to.

GAL been fine. My knee recovered and I'm back to jogging and exercising. Felt good after exerting it all on the track and covered in sweat. Recently, with the kids, she's also doing the "My stand is same as you". When I discipline the kids and they went to her, she stood by my stance which I think would be good for the kids.

Oh yeah, something funny happened. Last year we acted as a separated family in a short film by a common friend. The script was me and my wife were separated with each of us taking along a kid and then reunited in the end. Along the while in real life since bomb dropped, she had been talking to the kids about separation.

Thus while tugging in the kids to sleep couple of days ago, the elder one suddenly blurted out that "we will be separated like the film we acted in and that fulfills your wish for separation." Next the younger one echoed "Yeah I will be with mum as like in the film and you will be dad" After that she was kinda taken aback and told them that it's all just scripted and it's friction. I guess that moment did someone knock her senses a bit for always talking to the kids about separation which in her words, "preparing them for it".

Till far, I have not receive any notification from her Lawyer although she claimed that she had filed for more than a month back.

[ToSmile]

I am not sure if I had handled this situation correctly.

Things had been ok for awhile. Yesterday she was asking if I am going out in the evening I mentioned that I might have some plans. Then she keep asking me what time I will return for she may be going out. Which I responded that well she can go ahead I’ll just change my schedule and accompany the kids. Then after dinner, out she went.

Then, I accompanied the kids to sleep and waking up intermittently as one of the chap was not feeling well. It was 4:30am that I noted she is not back yet. I dropped her a call thinking if something might went wrong. She never picked up. Then I dropped her a message asking if she’s coming back tonight and if everything is ok. She replied sorry will be abit late. And said she will be returning for the night. Then I replied ok. Just concern.

By the time she returned, it was 6am. I asked her in a firm and calm manner, where were she for the night? She avoided my question and said well, she went for supper. I told her that at this time, what she is having is breakfast, not supper. She kept quiet, proceed to wash up before rolling into my kid’s empty bed as my kid was sleeping with me.

Then I asked her if she just intend to brush this off? Doesn’t she need to be accountable for her action? Our home is not a hotel and this is not how u treat it and treat us. Then she asked me what’s wrong? I told her well nothing is right about her action. Does she think there’s nothing wrong? She kept quiet on it. I then asked her whom she was out with the night before? She mentioned they went to a pub and after that had supper. I told her pubs closes latest at 3am. It’s 3 good hours after that.

Then she went on the we agreed never to interfere in each other business blah blah blah. I told her there was not such agreement before. I give her my respect and I demanded back equally the same respect. She then claim I never tol her where I go also when I am Out (part of gal) out which I replied well if you asked, I would have say. then she asked me if it is that she gave me names, then the matter will be rested?

I told her that is not the point. She has to know her role and who she is and what she is doing. Before she claimed that how she does not wish to be someone whom she isn’t to please everyone and such and how unhappy she is with her life yada yada, take a look at her own actions. Then she claims she does not need me to pity her. I told her I am not pitying her but my children. given her role as a mum, a wife, an educator and all she place herself on the moral high horse, does she think her action was right at all for the night? She then shut her eye and kept mum about it. And I just stop probing further.

All along, my tone was calm but firm. For today, I think she’s just going to sleep the whole day away as usual with no responsibilities for the kids. I am just going to enjoy the day with both the lovely boys. And also this evening, I will excuse myself from dinner over her family (had been attending the last few weeks) as an action of my displeasure over what had happened.

Any comments or advice for me?

[ovrrnbw]

This is tough. I'm at a loss for advice here TS. So I'm going to say that until you figure out a plan of how to respond, you try not to worry about what she is doing. Now that you've brought it up with her, she surely knows. She even knew before you spoke to her about it. I don't see that you are ready to divorce her, so I say you focus on your own stuff and try to let her go. Let her staying out all night be water off the duck's back.

What are you doing for self improvement and self growth?

[ToSmile]

Hi Ovrrnbw,

The same recently. Trying to keep myself busy but the difference is I started going over for weekly meals after certain gathering festivals and things were pleasant till the above episode.

This couple of days she just revert to the state of hostility style when she converse with me carrying the tone of angst in her voice, even though it was just general topics. The night before she was trying to engage into a disagreement with me over if to on/off the air conditioner while we sleep but I never took the bait. But I can feel the bitterness from there.

Today on the way to work, I told her that the elder boy had a habit of flicking his middle fingers at others right now and we've got to correct him. Then she started accusing by saying well, he learnt that from seeing me doing that. I corrected her on the spot asking her since when she saw me doing that? Even if I swore much during my younger days and such, I corrected my self when I became a father and I never swear in front of my kids, let alone flashing the middle finger and flashing the finger had never been a habit or action I do. She kept quiet after that.

I feel that she has slide into the bitter mode again and starting to build fantasies in her mind to taint me in justifying for her actions or whichever so. The denial and projection to make herself feel better?

[ToSmile]

Phew, past weekend, she had a melt down on me.

We were out for lunch together as a family to a restaurant. Upon arriving at the venue and turning into the carpark, I stopped because there was another car in front of me having issues in parking. And it was driven by a rather elderly gentlemen.

The gentlemen really had some challenge in navigating into the space and start to cause some tailback being our car as well. Then she started nagging at me saying that I should have parked behind and I should do that. I just told her let's have some patience. It's an elderly person trying to park and our path behind are blocked.

Then her tone changed and exclaimed she and the kids are all hungry and we are stuck in this mess. I told her lets have a bit of patience more. I am also hungry and I have not taken anything since the morning. Then she went ape and exclaimed it's my fault and I should have parked behind!. I told her then what do you expect me to do now? I can't reverse. Would you like to go down and confront the gentlemen I asked her.

With that, she just stormed off the car herself, and walked to towards the other car. But at this time, the driver managed to get into parking position and reverse the car in. Upon this, she just walked towards the restaurant herself. Then I drove past her and parked the car. Kids were on the car and witness the earlier matter. I told them kids, we must have patience while on the road and there is no need to get into a rage. I was explaining to them we have to always be calm as we got off the car, she walked over and claimed what I was telling to the kids? I told her I was teaching them to be patience especially if facing an elderly person. And she just keep biting on it.

When we got into the restaurant and while queuing, she mentioned that she's going to share a serving with my younger boy while I get a serving with the elder boy. I told her the elder boy and I would need a serving each otherwise we would not be full. She got flicked again and started ranting that is not what she meant and whatsoever flaring by her then, I couldn't and don't wanna recall any more. Those who queue behind us were shocked and even the servers were taken aback.

I just kept quiet, ignore her and went on with the order and had a quiet lunch. Thereafter, I told her that I am not going over her place for dinner. Post that, a couple of days went by without much correspondence between us. Yesterday morning, she told me that she would be moving out to her friend's house again on "some days" as her tenant had moved away. I never stop her and said ok. Post that, her tone to me changed since yesterday till today and tonight, she supposed to stay over her friend's place.

Looking back, perhaps I may not have handle the validation in the car well as similarly I was getting abit impatient but maintaining my cool on the other car's parking. And when she blew the sparks, I also engage her back. Other than that, I just can't be bothered much of her moving out. It seems that she is still very deep in the fog and seriously, it's kinda sad for me to see that the kids pretty much don't ask for her anymore when she is away.