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#2867699 10/08/19 09:28 PM
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I am a Newcomer to DB, but have found the site and the forums very insightful. I am 32 y/o LBW married for 4 years, together for 7 with my 31 y/o WW. We have had a beautiful R with very few arguments and a fulfilling life. She graduated from college and was going through the rough transition of finding a career position when the OW came into the picture. At first, we were all just friends but my gut quickly alerted me that something was "off". I told my W about my fears and concerns which, of course, pushed her further away and right into a closer friendship with OW. BD about her feelings for OW in Oct 2018 (one year- insert sarcastic "woo"). She immediately moved out to her own rental and said she needed to "find" herself but began a full blown love affair with OW - she admitted PA in Jan.

Fast forward over the last 12 months and it has been a rollercoaster of ups and downs. She has moved back home 3 separate times and tried of several occasions to end contact with OW unsuccessfully. Most recently, she moved closer to home and is renting a house that we had considered buying in the past. I get confused about her feelings bc we still spend at least 3 days/nights together and say ILY. There is no intimacy other than hugging as we both decided that it would not be a good idea as long as OW is still in the picture. She is still spending time and spending the night with the OW as well although she tells me that nothing physical has happened between them since March of this year.

I know I need to GAL and work on detaching, but am in desperate need of some advice on how I do that when I am still madly in love and want to spend time together. I wait by my phone, always reply pretty quickly (although I'm working on that), I never say no to plans, etc. She isn't hateful or cruel during our hangouts and is so thoughtful and sweet it still feels like we're married and happy. We still dream about a future together, but she is in love with both of us and I don't know how to get out of this rut! Any and all help is so appreciated and thanks for listening!

_____________

W 32 me
W 31
T7 M4
no kids
4 dogs smile


LBW 32 - me
WW 31
T 7 M 4
No Kids
4 dogs

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Welcome to the board

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

Yes first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

and Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htm

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!

Get out and Get a Life (GAL).

DETACH.

Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:

I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072

Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414

Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566

Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153

For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554

Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...ain=57819&Number=2578224#Post2578224

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619

Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon


Me-67, D35,S34
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Im sorry you are here. Read everything Cadet posted. Also read what Sandi posts. The vets will be along shortly and are very helpful.

Your WW is eating cake and keeping you on the hook as a solid plan B. You need to put a stop to this. She is disrespecting you and your MR blatantly without regard for you at all.

Its time to focus on yourself. Yes you are in love and it hurts. But the cycle of hurt will never end unless you take action. Turn your focus from your WW and turn it to yourself. What can you do to 180 any toxic behavior you had that contributed to your half of the MR? Recognize that behavior and stop it.

Stop pursuing your WW. No more hugs, ILY, nothing. Start bettering yourself for yourself. Start making decisions based on whether or not they will benefit you or better you as a person and stop making decisions based on how your WW will react or what she does. What she does no longer matters. She needs to feel the loss of you and understand that you love and respect yourself too much to allow the disrespect to continue.


She is eating cake to the max. She has a saftey net with you as a solid plan b and continues her A openly without regard for you. Treat her accordingly. No being ugly, no arguing, no demanding, no ultimatums, no begging, pleading or crying. Just focus 100% on yourself and detach yourself from her. Stop seeing her, stop calling her, stop texting her. Unless there is something important you really have no need to speak with her.

You must get to a point where you are indifferent to her actions. Get to the point where you are comfortable and confident that you are going to be fine, because you will be fine. It may take a while but it will happen. A year of this has to have been brutal for you. Drop the rope, detach, move on with your life.

If you detach and DB successfully, your WW may feel the loss and may pursue you to repair the MR. That may not happen but the path you choose now will ensure you are perfectly fine and content no matter what. You may get to the point where its too late for her. She may come back and you have completely moved on and dont want her back. But all of that wont happen until you focus on you and detach yourself emotionally from her.

You are trapped in a cycle of extreme emotional abuse because of this. Its your job to get yourself out. Protect yourself. Keep posting.


M:16
T:21
H(me) 38
WW: 38
S11 D16 D19
Red Flags of A: March 2018
ILYBNILWY: August 4, 2018
Moved out of MBR: September 24, 2018
BD/Confirmation of A: October 31, 2018
D Filed: March 27, 2019
Joined: Oct 2019
Posts: 193
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SoTorn,

Thanks for the advice. I have tried so many times to detach and really remove her from my heart. I gave her a letter that I had spent over a month revising basically informing her that I would no longer allow the OW to be a part of my life and that as long as she saw fit to be involved, I would not be available. We didn't speak or see each other for 7 days and I was starting to do well. Imagining a life with or without, hanging out with friends, enjoying being alone. Of course on day 7 she called broken and crying saying that she would do anything, end everything with OW, MC, etc and that she did not want to lose me. I caved way too quickly. Things were fantastic for a solid month. She moved home, ended contact with OW, said things were getting better for her. AND....BOOM.. another BD with the revelation that she thinks she rushed back home and she isn't sure and wanted to move out to work on herself. Contact resumed with OW and now here we are again.

I just don't understand how people can be so solid in detaching from someone they truly enjoy spending time with. It would be so much easier to detach if she was a jerk, hateful, or made it uncomfortable to talk/hangout.


LBW 32 - me
WW 31
T 7 M 4
No Kids
4 dogs

Separated 1y
Navigating the mine field and GAL with or without
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DB 101:

Believe nothing they say and only half of what they do

Time + Space

Respect + Attraction

Validation + Listening

GAL

Boundaries

Stop seeing and talking to your W. Simple but hard. There's not much reason for interaction at this point.

Quit the ILYs. Quit allowing your W to come and go as she pleases or at least GAL when she comes around. Try to leave before she gets there.


H 34
W 29
BD 3/12/18
Divorce Busted Spring 19

It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
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Yes you jumped too quickly at her crumbs. You need to go dark. Ignore her unless its very important. She may be telling you she loves you. But words mean nothing. Actions mean everything.

Seven days is just a tiny blip in your situation and is in no way enough time for you to detach. Thats why you picked up the phone and talked to her. It takes a very long time to detach. In my situation my exww started mistreating me around October 2017. It got bad around spring 2018. Got BD in August 2018. Confirmed A October 2018. It took literally every ounce of my emotional energy to pry my exww from my heart.

I went dim as I lived with her and focused solely on myself. I took the hard route and accepted that my MR was over and that I would not move forward with a cheater. She wish washed on divorce but I stayed steady and forged my way. By January 2019 I was content that my MR was over and that I would be D. March she filed for D. May 17th it was done. Moved out June 1st.

It hurt but it was necessary for my emotional wellbeing and sanity to just forget about the woman I once loved because the person she is now is not that person and will never be again.

You got this. Start planning activities for yourself. Make sure that all of your spare time is used up focusing on yourself. Focus on yiur health, pick up a new hobby or start a new one. Get out and into the world. You deserve better. Once you find yourself and the less you allow her to keep you on the hook, the better you will feel.

Its imperative that you detach yourself. You will never move forward if you dont. She will feed you just enough crumbs to keep you hooked as long as you are gobbling them up. She is manipulating you severely. Put a stop to it.


M:16
T:21
H(me) 38
WW: 38
S11 D16 D19
Red Flags of A: March 2018
ILYBNILWY: August 4, 2018
Moved out of MBR: September 24, 2018
BD/Confirmation of A: October 31, 2018
D Filed: March 27, 2019
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Originally Posted by KristinG
I am in desperate need of some advice on how I do that when I am still madly in love and want to spend time together. I wait by my phone, always reply pretty quickly (although I'm working on that), I never say no to plans, etc.


Look here for ideas fore personal growth, check out the counter intuitive ways to attract:
https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2061094#Post2061094



What works is counter intuitive.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
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Oh and please stop being so available. Don't accept all these offers to hang out.


H 34
W 29
BD 3/12/18
Divorce Busted Spring 19

It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Joined: Oct 2019
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How would you recommend beginning the detachment? Should I tell my ww that I am going to take some time for myself and that I won't be responding? I'm sorry - I probably seem so weak and unable, I just don't know how to go about it when we still talk all day, hang out, and it seems like she is working on figuring herself out. I have been taking the "be a good friend" approach and giving her space. I am scared of messing something up by bringing up the R if I were to explain that I am going to take a step back. Do I just start to pull away and become less available to leave her wondering?


LBW 32 - me
WW 31
T 7 M 4
No Kids
4 dogs

Separated 1y
Navigating the mine field and GAL with or without
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,363
Likes: 14
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Speak with Actions not words.


Me-67, D35,S34
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