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D,

IMO you should validate her feelings on being overwhelmed.

As for the window I would use is it as a 180 opportunity. If you never took care of that kinda stuff take the opportunity to 180 and do it. If you always took care of it then push back on it.

Truth of matter is either way it changes nothing.

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DaB35 Offline OP
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LH - ok thanks.

Is something like "it sounds like you are finding it difficult to juggle everything, what with the extra work you've taken on. Sounds like a few days' break would do you good." ok?

Yes I would normally put it off, so a 180 for me would be sort it out today/tomorrow and update her on that.


Really useful to get everyone's views on all these little issues. Thanks everyone who is commenting and offering advice.


Me - 36, W - 32
No kids
T - 8 yr, M - 3 yr
Discovery - 14 May 2019
S - 25 May 2019 & D bomb - 29 July 2019
D & House sale final - Feb 2020
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How about "I am sorry you feel overwhelmed. Sounds like a few days break will do you good".

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DaB35 Offline OP
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Had a chase text from W this morning...

"So can you sort out the window? I need you to. Please let me know. Thanks."

The 'I need you to.' was interesting. I interpreted that as someone in trouble, rather than just ordering me about. Guess when we were together she'd just assume I'd do all of this without her input. Now I'm no longer in the house, it's falling to her to do more ringing up, which I know she hates.

I replied "Yes. I've spoken to them...[1 sentence update]." Then I validated about her feeling overwhelmed, and left it at that.


Me - 36, W - 32
No kids
T - 8 yr, M - 3 yr
Discovery - 14 May 2019
S - 25 May 2019 & D bomb - 29 July 2019
D & House sale final - Feb 2020
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Good DaB. Give her space.


WW H(me): 53
W: 48
T: 27 M: 22
S: 18
Piecing since 03/2016
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Originally Posted by DaB35
....normally, if things were all fine between us, I'd just sort this out anyway, and it'd be sorted within a few days and tradesmen would be booked to turn up to the house to fix everything in a timely manner. She seems to be struggling with day-to-day house stuff...


Opportunity to 180. Things ARE NOT FINE between you and her. Just use this as a learning experience for the NEXT call for you to help.

She has fired you as her husband. Let her feel the pain of being without you.

She takes care of the house she lives in. You take care of the house you live in.

It is extremely important that you project to her that you are extremely busy and extremely happy. This is fake it till you make it.


This is the MAX i would do to help her:

H:"W, here is the number of the guy I would use: (xxx)yyy-zzzz"


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
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She "needs" you? I don't think she knows what "need" means.

R2C nails the response. Or you can always just not respond too. She doesn't want you, remember? You aren't going to be Mr Handyman forever.


H 34
W 29
BD 3/12/18
Divorce Busted Spring 19

It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
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Woman:"Will you buy me a drink?"
Alpha Man:"Absolutely, after you buy me one."

Beta man"Sure, what do you want?"
Woman "Expensive drink"


Be the Alpha.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
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Hey Dan

How you been mate? How's the body transformation going? Good to see you're going to up the weights.

You seem to be coming back frequently with what to respond with in relation to her texts.

If I remember, during the M you were the go to guy to get stuff sorted. You're not that man any more though.

Again, I would either ignore her, or just give her a phone number of someone who can help. Do you need her to do anything that is a joint enterprise in wrapping things up? If so, tell her what needs doing when you reply ie "Here's Tom the glazier's phone number. BTW, please sort out X, Y and Z and let me know when it's done. Regds, D35". Keep flipping the script.

If you want to be cheeky, next time an sms like this comes through, respond within a few minutes and say "I'm busy at the gym. I'll get back to you when I can.".

I interpret "I need" as her trying to boss you around. Don't let that happen mate.

Cheers, D


Me: early 40's
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M: 5
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Hi DS

Gym is going well. Let's just say - for the gig I had at the weekend, I found it a lot easier to move my timpani from the car to the venue! Have a 'catch-up' session with someone at the gym on Wednesday to see how things are going. I have been able to up the number of reps for each exercise machine. I'm getting better at the shoulder press too, which is increasing my confidence and am doing well in the cycling/spin class too.

You're right - previously, in the M I would basically do everything to sort stuff. I'd find out who to call, contact them, arrange times, let W know, and organise payment (then she'd reimburse me half once done). I'd sort out all the finances, bills, utilities etc. I even did both our tax returns - I stress that I did that not because of NGS, but it's what I do for my job, and her return is very easy, even though she has no idea about tax and is rubbish at keeping records - I would get her to sort it all out first before I even touched the numbers, to her immense consternation!

Now, for this smoke alarm/window issue, all I'm going to do is get the contact numbers/find out who to actually speak to (I'm not sure if this is covered by our warranty with the builder or not), then give those tradesmen W's number so SHE has to arrange a time for them to turn up.

I have no idea what her schedule is now, so it is totally pointless for me to have to call a tradesman, they suggest a time, I have to contact W to check if that works for her, go back, change the time, check again, etc.
As the famous meme goes, "Ain't nobody got time for that!"

I spent the rest of the weekend with my mum looking at houses in the town where my sister lives. Seems ideally placed - not too far from work (10-15min drive which is fine), much closer to family, etc. No contact from the estate agents regarding our current house sale, so assume no-one's viewed it yet.

I don't think there are any matters that is a joint thing to be wrapped up - not yet anyway.

Sometimes things go well and I am confident that what I've replied to is appropriately business-like, using the 'as if' mentality, feeling that I'm detaching enough etc. Problem is, other times I do worry about how to respond (like in this instance).


Me - 36, W - 32
No kids
T - 8 yr, M - 3 yr
Discovery - 14 May 2019
S - 25 May 2019 & D bomb - 29 July 2019
D & House sale final - Feb 2020
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