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#2867423 10/05/19 08:32 PM
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MJ1980 Offline OP
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https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2866802&page=11

So i did some GAL today. I was being vague about having to run out this afternoon. She had made a few snarky comments about me being vague. Before I left I brushed my teeth and put on some cologne. She noticed the cologne immediately and asked. I replied with I just want to look my best. Then I headed out. It very much bothered her that I was t just hanging around following her around.


M:39
W:36
D: 4
D: 2
BD:8/22/2019
Currently dealing with a WW
MJ1980 #2867514 10/07/19 01:41 PM
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So little update from the weekend.

Wife did not like that I was GAL. She made repeated comments about my vagueness on what I was doing. As I was leaving she hit me up with well at what time should I be worried if you don’t come home. She was convinced I was meeting someone. I wasn’t. Basically just running some errands.

So she filed very quickly after the BD. However she hasn’t wanted to talk. At all about splitting things up. When she brought up the lawyer retainer on Friday that I had put on the credit card same as she did she was upset. My lawyer received a copy of her filing this weekend after her lawyer finally filed it in the right county. She is seeking primary of the kids. I will not let that happen. She also is convinced that 50/50 means one week on and one week off. Which I informed her there were many different methods to 50/50. She basically doesn’t want to have to get a true 8-5 job. I’ve have supported her to follow her own business dreams for the last 10 years or so. She is used to working at her own rate as she wants and contributing little to none in terms of bills. I think her Hope was I would roll over and agree and pay for her continued quality of life. She is going to loose a Lot of perks that make life much easier for her. She tried to use scare tactics on me about the kids. I just kept calm with it.

We were supposed to finish our conversation on counseling last night but it was chaos putting the kids to bed so that will have to wait until today. She also asked me to read a book on parenting to talk to our older as since this all started she has had so behavior issues. I said sure. In the past I would of not read the book. But I am this time. Also the older daughter had a rough night was up froM 3-5am. She had a bad dream and was sad. She said she misses the way things were. She doesn’t know what is going on other then mommy and daddy having been has happy towards each other. She is 4.5 years old and very smart. I comforted her the best I could and tilde were love her very much.

So that’s where I’m at as of today. She also told me to have a good day when I left and already texted me this am.


M:39
W:36
D: 4
D: 2
BD:8/22/2019
Currently dealing with a WW
MJ1980 #2867533 10/07/19 02:49 PM
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Keep doing what works. Keep DB MJ


WW H(me): 53
W: 48
T: 27 M: 22
S: 18
Piecing since 03/2016
Saw the light in the storm
MJ1980 #2867535 10/07/19 02:54 PM
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Hi MJ,

It sounds like, when you're ready to talk divorce, a mediator might help sort this out. My partner used one in her prior divorce because there were points of contention. It helps structure things. He'd say, "I want X custody schedule" and she'd say "I want Y custody schedule." and the mediator would say, "Well, if you don't agree, the court defaults to Z custody schedule." They could then decide if they wanted Z, a couple alternatives she suggested, or to come to another agreement. One plus of this process is my partner and her ex had extremely few heated face-to-face divorce discussions. Most took place over e-mail and were as simple as sending proposals and counter-proposals until they agreed or decided to go with Z.

Originally Posted by "MJ1980"
She is seeking primary of the kids. I will not let that happen.

Hopefully, you're not arguing about any of this. Yay for not giving away primary custody!

Last edited by CWarrior; 10/07/19 03:01 PM.
MJ1980 #2867537 10/07/19 03:16 PM
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Well we had a bit of a discussion about this. She thinks that by going 50/50 she is loosing her kids. Which isn’t the case. As I said she was very fast to pull the D papers. I don’t know if her A was fueling that. She has said some things like I’ve had some time to think now and she has been asking about counseling now.

When you guys GAL and she asks a ton of questions about where you are gong how do you answer.


M:39
W:36
D: 4
D: 2
BD:8/22/2019
Currently dealing with a WW
MJ1980 #2867539 10/07/19 03:28 PM
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Be careful with GAL while under the same roof, you don't want to cause a lot of resentment in her. You have kids together so you don't want to just start disappearing every night leaving her to take care of the kids, because that is going to make her quite angry, and make her think you are abandoning your responsibilities. What I usually suggest when you are still living under the same roof and have kids is this- set up a schedule. Tell her you would like to start taking a couple of nights a week to do whatever activities you want and that you suggest she do the same. So maybe her nights are Monday and Wednesday and yours are Tuesday and Thursday. Or maybe you each have one night a week, or three or whatever. The point is to work it out so she knows when you will be gone, and the point is also to be fair to her and offer her the same.

Also GAL can sometimes involve the kids. Tell her you're going to take the kids for the evening so that you can spend time with them and she can have a break.

The idea is to try and give her time and space. You want to be mysterious as well, but that doesn't mean "pretend you're having an affair" it just means try and be more independent.


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
MJ1980 #2867540 10/07/19 03:32 PM
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Its polite to let her know when you will be back. But no, you dont have to tell her where you are going or who with. Essentially all she meeds to know is that you will be out and when you expect to return. If you go meet someone, just say "friend".

Be aware that GAL may cause her to get nasty. When I was IHS and started to GAL like a madman my exww got very angry and started berating me and making crazy assumptions.


M:16
T:21
H(me) 38
WW: 38
S11 D16 D19
Red Flags of A: March 2018
ILYBNILWY: August 4, 2018
Moved out of MBR: September 24, 2018
BD/Confirmation of A: October 31, 2018
D Filed: March 27, 2019
MJ1980 #2867541 10/07/19 03:38 PM
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Well she goes out more then I do. I end up watching the kids a bunch lately. I do want to talk to her about going out at least once a week moving forward. I’m not abandoning responsibilities with the kids. Like Saturday I said I had to run some errands. I didn’t tell her what they where though. That was bothering her a ton. Yesterday I had to run out and pick up some stuff for my car and I took my older daughter with me. Unfortunately we had a sad conversation in the car. She was nearly in tears. She was asking when we were going to go to Disney world. Before my wife started the A we talked about taking the kids to disney this winter for a few days. But that’s all up in the air now. I just told her that mom and dad are trying to figure some stuff out right now.

One of the hardest parts of all this is how she has acted towards the kids. I’ve been trying to be with kids and support them and be the pillar of consistency for them since the W hasn’t been lately.


M:39
W:36
D: 4
D: 2
BD:8/22/2019
Currently dealing with a WW
MJ1980 #2867542 10/07/19 03:39 PM
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It sounds like your GAL isn't GAL at all but more to get her to Notice your GAL.

That's not GAL, you keeping talking bout her reactions to GAL. My understanding was that is not the point of having an activity. It's more to get out there and see what else life has to offer.

Putting on cologne....come on man. It's pretty transparent you were trying to get a reaction.

MJ1980 #2867543 10/07/19 04:04 PM
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neffer said it: Keep DBing.

So keep GAL. Not caring what she thinks about your GAL is detachment. So work on that and get there. And continue to work on cementing your positive changes (180s).

Your W sounds a lot like mine, which is why i gravitated to your sitch. My W had a fantasy outlook on how great her post-marriage life was going to be. Over time, the reality started to settle in. As she worked on her resume, and the reality of getting a job sunk in, as she realized how much worse off her life would be,not having my income, needing her own income (which would be significant less), that what she drives, where she lives, what she eats, etc were all going to take a big step down in quality, she started questioning if she was making the right decision. I started to hear things like "God hates divorce." "I don't think it is the right thing." Etc. A complete 180. But the war inside her was real. One day she would be talking logistics of splitting up, the next talking long-term plans as if we were staying together. It was like she had two people inside of her.

The one thing I did really well was GAL. That's what you need to do. The more you are gone, the more she can miss you, and the more she can realize that life without you isn't going to be all that great. There is nothing you can do
to wake her up from her fantasy. But that doesn't mean that she can't be awakened from it, it just means it isn't in your power to evoke. This is why we say, give her time and space. She may still leave. Or she may not. No one knows. Not even her at this point!


M(53), W(54),D(19)
M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
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