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Originally Posted by doodler
Andrew,

This is a follow-on question similar to the previous question about the airspeed velocity of an unladen sparrow. How long would the drive to the festival be if it didn't include large vegetables?
I'll have to do a comparative study and get back to you ....

Was going to wait until tomorrow to update but I have most of a pot of tea still and a few minutes. Plus a few things on my mind.

S and I have been messaging daily. Just every day sort of stuff. I did make a reference to "date" last night though which got no reaction at all. She's a night owl and I have to get up early so her Thursday night messaging was cut short with a TTYL - 4:30 comes early. Her messages are generally upbeat, positive with her saying that she's looking forward to our adventure.

It's slightly surprising and nice about how little pressure I feel. She's nice, I like her and have known "of" her for years. If things become more than just 2 single people hanging out then it may well get complicated but who knows the future. My predictive powers are pretty much a bust although one of S's side hustles is as a psychic so maybe she does.

I'm picking her up at 1:30 after I do my groceries etc to head up to PumpkinFest (a 45 minute drive wink ) I was figuring we'll spend the afternoon there and then stop off somewhere for dinner. It's a combination fall fair, craft show and the sort of thing that I enjoy and I believe she does too. Surprisingly she's never gone although I've only been there a couple of times despite it being a "big thing". I suspect that as a single mom with 5 kids that she's had challenges in getting out and doing things. Her youngest is 12 and the next youngest is 17 so she's got some more freedom now especially when S12 is off with his Dad who I think has somewhere around 25% custody. I expect that within the next year she'll only have one at home. Her D18 boomeranged back with her boyfriend a few months ago and will probably bounce out again as soon as they can save up rent money. S17 will likely either be moving on to higher education which means moving or out into the workforce. The other two have been out for years with her S27 living in Australia and her D25 living in Ottawa I believe.

One challenge with seeing S is that I've had to do some research on menus etc as she has gluten sensitivity so I don't want to suggest a place where she wouldn't be able to eat anything. I was surprised by her surprise on our first date that I had kept that in mind. I've done some reading and it's surprising what you need to be careful on. Soya sauce? Gravys and sauces in general too. Gluten is a pretty common industrial binder though in food products if I remember correctly from when there was a food chemical business where I work. I do know that her issues are legitimate and not just hype as our mutual friend who runs the cafe that S works at a couple of days a week has talked about it. I actually know some basic personality things about S from her boss like the fact that she's got at least a form of ADD and is easily distracted. S herself admits to these sorts of challenges. Again, a legitimate issue and not jumping on what seems to be the current bandwagon of people claiming to be Aspergers or OCD when they're just regular people who maybe like things done a certain way.

----------------------

Had a bit of a freak-out on Thursday morning when I saw that S25's car wasn't in the drive although I heard him rattling around the house just before I got up. All sorts of weird and conspiracy theories went through my head - several involving his mother who legally owns the car. The reality (which is none of my business and I've not asked) is most likely that he was out with friends, had a few drinks and got a ride home.

According to rumour mill (SIL1) my ex is treading pretty close to cuckoo land. She's been posting rants about her job on social media and her friends are egging her on. Her job that is downstairs from the apartment she lives in. The apartment that she gets heavily discounted rent on from her boss who owns the building. Sheesh. When we were together she had me as a punching bag to vent all this out at. Not my circus. I'm pretty sure that OM is living with her in her apartment which has got to be tough - on him. A bit of karma for me. I know that she was so happy when we bought this big house because one thing she hated about our apartment was the fact that she didn't have "space to get away". SIL1 was a bit surprised as she seems so bitter and angry when I said that as far as I knew that she was perfectly happy and rather proud of the life we had together until she started her affair and got "depressed". SIL2 believes that she's going to circle back at some point, but I really can't see that happening.

Had a long call with D27 last night on my drive home. For some reason the call quality was crap so it was difficult to hear / talk. She seems to be doing fairly well. Is pretty lonely in San Diego. She tried to go out to a neighbourhood coffee clatch but was put off because "all" the conversation was about kids. Her's have fur and quite possibly those are the only sort she'll ever have. She doesn't want to work because she has no idea when her H will get back home from being at sea (currently in the Arabian Sea) and wants to be sure she can spend time with him when he gets back. Her previous retail job was annoying to them because she had to work most holidays. I suggested volunteer work. They're ok for money on just his income. She's been considering that but is still working on getting herself settled. The good news is that her cats and she are adapting well. San Diego is a lot more "hilly" than anything she's been used to and where she lives isn't walking distance to the shops or such so that's a big change for her.

She seemed to be well informed on the details of her brother's life but with a more positive spin on things than what I had. I presume she's been chatting with her mother which is good. Sadly, she's not coming up for Thanksgiving which isn't a surprise at this point. I didn't lean on her about Christmas - if she does, she does. If she doesn't I may go fly down there for a visit earlier than the planned one in March.

She did seem put off by the fact that I'm dating S who she also knows. Not for any apparant reason about S, but more so in I think the fact that the whole Dad dating thing still weirds her out. I'm sure both kids would be happier if I didn't date. And despite the fact that her mother and OM have been down to visit a couple of times, I think it will be quite the shock to her system the first time she comes home with her mother not being here. She hasn't been home in I think about 5 years or perhaps 6.

Well - tea pot is empty. Amy is laying across my arm purring with her butt in the sunshine. She'll be mad in a moment.

Have a great day and weekend everyone!


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Good Morning Andrew

It is nice to see you not feeling much pressure regarding S and dating / being friends.

Good for you looking into gluten. MyS22 is a diagnosed celiac, and XW is gluten sensitive - she only tested positive on two of the three tests, therefore sensitive not celiac. I believe her failed tests was indeterminate genetic markers. That was chalked up by the doctors as most likely a failed negative result and further testing is required. That further testing never happened, as it didn’t really matter. The label celiac does have some tax benefits in the medical deduction area, but it is such a pain to apply and such a small amount of benefit that we and son never even bother. Being called sensitive or celiac matters little when your bent over in pain and just wishing and waiting for it to pass.

You are correct, gluten is everywhere. I am sure S appreciates your efforts in finding places that accommodate her needs. I do get frustrated with people who just want to be gluten free, as opposed to people with these very real needs. Or maybe it is more frustrated with the restaurant. It waters down, if that is the right term, the service that should be provided. S22 and I have been asked, at establishments with gluten free items, if he is actually celiac or just wanting to be gluten free, go along with the fad. Of course if it is advertised as gluten free then what different does it make. Well apparently a lot. In some places it is just lip service. We’ve told them, well if he ingests gluten it’s going to ruin our night out. Needless to say, we don’t frequent those places anymore.

It the same for dairy allergies, and I spent far too many nights in an emergency room with my second oldest son and my nephew over the years.

Anyhow, good for you. I not sure how much cooking and baking you’ve done sans gluten - it works, and there is a learning curve.

A home cooked guaranteed gluten free meal. Oh, for sure that would be noticed. And of course expected and provided by you and your sensibilities and care.


Originally Posted by AndrewP
She did seem put off by the fact that I'm dating S who she also knows. Not for any apparant reason about S, but more so in I think the fact that the whole Dad dating thing still weirds her out. I'm sure both kids would be happier if I didn't date.

We do see the world through our lens. You’ve stated the S25 also gave off vibes, and actually told you not to date S (SL at the time). And you sense something from D27. Talk to them. Ask them. “D27, you seem put off by me dating S.” See what she says. Follow up or add , “Is there something I’m missing about her or don’t know? Or is it just weird Dad dating?”. Open the door see what is up. Don’t worry daughter and son are adult and will handle it just fine.

You may be correct, and the reason is not apparent to you, or it is just Dad dating. From my life and lens I offer this.

I don’t believe your kids would be happier if you didn’t date. They love you and just want you to be happy.

My kids have told me they would be fine with a stepmom. They are cool if I date, or if I don’t. They did get excited during the past occasion when I was considering dating K. In truth, everyone that surrounds me in real life was excited and supportive of that. However, that date didn’t materialize. A fact, and fate, I’m happy that happened.

I told D17 about my recent interaction with OM (I posted about it) and her reaction was all smiles and a pretty big laugh. She was happy that I could do such a thing. That I was not hurting. She also thought that it’s got to be messing with OM’s mind. smile

Andrew, from my path, from friend to friend, talk to S and D. I think they are just looking for assurances that you are ok, that you are good. That Dad is happy.

You are the sane stable parent. Lead the relationship with your adult children. Like cooking without gluten - it works, and there is a learning curve.

Have a great day my friend.

DnJ


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Yes, eating strictly gluten free is tricky. Instead of re-inventing the wheel, you might ask her which restaurants she has been to that she knows are safe?

Some restaurants may have a gluten-free item or two but don't have a dedicated gluten-free corner of the kitchen. This is fine for mildly sensitive people like me but a true celiac can get sick from cross contamination, such as their gluten-free pizza being laid on the same cutting board where they just sliced a regular pizza.

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Btw in the States the chain PF Chang's has gluten free items and separate gluten free dishwater.

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The level of knowledge among restaurant staff is sorely lacking - my friend's son went off to college and in the cafeteria was served a "gluten-free" bun for a week that was actually just a VEGAN bun - NOT the same at all!!!

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Dnj makes an excellent suggestion. You do a lot of assuming and mind reading. Why do you think your daughter would rather not you date? Why not open up the conversation. To get what she is actually thinking rather than you assumption. I get a feeling you and your daughter can talk. So why not? See how she really feels. Give her the opportunity to express herself and have an adult conversation about it.

Because I also think your kids would just want you to be happy and don’t want you stay single.

I also think they might not want you to say you are “dating someone “ when you’ve only gone on one going for the second with the person. Maybe they worry about you.

But why not just have an open conversation about ???

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Originally Posted by Ginger1
But why not just have an open conversation about ???
I actually did talk to D27 about it a year or so ago and yes - she has issues because it weirds her out. The call quality on our last call wasn't good enough to really have a serious discussion but I imagine that hasn't changed.


Originally Posted by kml
Yes, eating strictly gluten free is tricky. Instead of re-inventing the wheel, you might ask her which restaurants she has been to that she knows are safe?
I got lucky. I picked a restaurant that I knew had a menu not based around burgers / sandwiches / pasta. When I said where I was thinking of going, S was all in favour having remembered that restaurant positively but didn't know if they had a specifically gluten free set of choices. When we got they they had an entire page highlighting gluten free and the waitress was knowledgeable. Another one that I mentioned she said that she had been to and enjoyed as well.

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So - date report 'cuz I imagine that at least some are curious.

We had a fabulous day. The weather cooperated very well which was good because I got slightly lost and confused on where to park and S was fine with that and took it all in stride along with the 5 minute walk to get to the fair from where we eventually parked.

I may have a huntress on my hands. After a couple of hours of walking around at the fair, she made a pretense to grab my hand in fake alarm and from then on we were holding hands. Her's are "much" smaller than mine but it got figured out. It's funny because I'm just under 6' tall and I guessed that she was perhaps 5'6" / 5'7" but is only 5'4". Maybe she seems taller because she carries herself well. We went for a wander around some local trails after Pumpkinfest and I took a chance and put my arm around her when we we stopped for a moment to admire the scenery and she cuddled right in and stayed there as long as she could on the trail we were on then back to hand holding.

After about 7 hours together - and some very nice but also perhaps necessary exploration of joint history conversations, I dropped her off at her apartment, walked her the 3 steps to her door and gave her a hug good night with a peck on the cheek. She leaned back and gave me a big smooch right on target. Nothing intense but certainly more than just friends. No invitation to take anything further which I am fine with.

At this point I'm ok with where this is. No clue on where it might go and TBH am not really too focused on that. We do seem to be quite compatible on a number of levels. A number of common interests. Mutual respect for the others abilities and challenges.

She is University educated with a bachelor's degree - so technically more educated than me. Spent the greater part of her life as a single mom which gets a lot of respect from me.

No clue on when the next date will be but it undoubtedly won't be too long.

No new red flags. No talking about "us" and certainly no implication that I was captured prey or visa versa. We were both open about the fact that we have dated others in the recent past. Based on her last failed marriage I think she has a lot of trust issues and I did notice that if I pulled out my phone she made a point of looking at the screen.

I had fun and am accepting it as a lovely day with a charming companion and not as a stepping stone to anywhere.

I did laugh because when I mentioned my destination today at the cafe while picking up my scone, our mutual friend blushed and said "I know who you're going with". I expect that tomorrow I will be grilled over soup - so to speak - and will just leave it as a I had a very nice day.

S25 came home after I'd been home for a short while asked about my day with S and seemed pleased that I had a good day and then put on pants and went over to his buddy's house. So we're all good there I expect.

S had asked that I send her a picture she'd asked me to take of a pond when we were walking so I did that along with a "thank-you" for the gift of her time. After-all, isn't that the best thing of all?


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Good Morning Andrew

Your date sounds like it went very well. It was wonderful to read about. Happy for you.

DnJ


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Andrew,

I agree with DnJ, it sounds like it was a very good date. Be sure to keep things slow and steady; I think you should wait at least two weeks before you have her move in with you. wink

One bone of contention that I have is that pumpkins are technically a fruit rather than a vegetable. That fact could be significant when calculating transit elapsed time to the festival. Keep that in mind when you do the comparative studies.

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I thought pumpkins were a root vegetable and it’s a squash. My friends daughter is allergic to all things squash and pumpkin is one of them.

The date did sound good. Keep dating. No need to move anyone in anytime even remotely soon.

And I would find out if she is divorced.

And I’ve got a question. I’m Canada, if you cohabitate with your significant other, do you lose your spousal support?

You do here in US.

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