W I have thought about it and for me to attend counseling I need to know that you are no longer in contact with OM. This would include a no contact letter sent to him with me being copied on it. I will also require you to give me your iPhone and email passwords that I am able to check at anytime to protect myself.
It’s up to you on how often or even if you want to check.
My guess she will balk at this request stating you’re trying to control her. Part of the script.
Those are my boundaries to protect me. Whether you choose to accept them is entirely your choice. I control me. You control you. It has always been that way and it always will.
So what is my response to the hour trying to control me statement.
I found "I control me. You control you." immensely useful when setting my first boundaries. It's especially useful if confronted with comments like, "You're controlling US" or "You're controlling what WE do."
You can always fall back on listening/validation if you're at a loss for words.
Make sure you are 100% behind any boundaries. Boundaries you announce but don't stick too are a mistake.
So what is my response to the hour trying to control me statement.
I found "I control me. You control you." immensely useful when setting my first boundaries. It's especially useful if confronted with comments like, "You're controlling US" or "You're controlling what WE do."
You can always fall back on listening/validation if you're at a loss for words.
Make sure you are 100% behind any boundaries. Boundaries you announce but don't stick too are a mistake.
I think those boundaries are very reasonable for going to counseling.
For the no contact letter. Would that be her text him with me right there or like a group message. Is this something I need a record of?
After sleeping on things and processing. I can look back and realize she was trying to use scare tactics in regards to the kids. She doesn’t want 50/50. She wants primary with a support so she can live her life with out actually having to have a job and do what she wants making me her anytime baby sitter.
Next conversation I’m going to keep my validation concepts going and try to not let her push the conversation. Another one of her favorites is that if she asks me a question and doesn’t like the answer she we keep asking it over and over more angrily trying to get the answer she wants. I’ve always struggled in these conversations.
Last edited by MJ1980; 10/05/1901:40 PM.
M:39 W:36 D: 4 D: 2 BD:8/22/2019 Currently dealing with a WW
You definitely would want a copy of it for your records. If it's in text then take a screenshot.
The best way to treat a bully is to stand up to the bully. You should work on your boundary on the way she talks to you. If she raises her voice and speaks in anger, calmly let her know that she needs to lower her tone and speak to you like an adult or the conversation is over.
Yep. If that´s the case, those are not conversations. Those are impositions. Then set some boundaries and just walk away if she keeps on disrespecting you.
The first thing you must regain is respect.
WW H(me): 53 W: 48 T: 27 M: 22 S: 18 Piecing since 03/2016 Saw the light in the storm
If she raises her voice and speaks in anger, calmly let her know that she needs to lower her tone and speak to you like an adult or the conversation is over.
Yes, it's okay to walk away, or say "I'm going to step away if you keep yelling at me.". Careful not to fall into the trap of controlling her ("You need to lower your voice.") or invalidating her feelings ("Calm down"). Boundaries are about setting limits on yourself rather than the other person.
Originally Posted by "MJ1980"
Another one of her favorites is that if she asks me a question and doesn’t like the answer she we keep asking it over and over more angrily trying to get the answer she wants.
I wonder what this looks like? If she's repeating her question--did she feel heard and answered? After confirming that, I'd treat future asks as more an expression of her feelings to validate.
Her: Can you watch the kids at 6pm? You: No. I could watch them from 8pm. Her: I said, can you watch the kids at 6pm?! You: You want to know if I can watch both kids at 6pm this afternoon, right? Her: Yes You: No. I could watch them from 8pm. Her: But I asked you, can you watch them at 6pm?!?! You: You sound upset I can't watch the kids at 6pm. Her: Yes! I'm mad that--
Since learning to listen and validate, I spend far less time on the defense. E.g., if my daughter were to say "My screentime ended just as my friend came online to play a game." Me(new) would say "It [censored] that your screentime ended just as your friend came online." Me(old) would launch into a defense of limits or better planning. Neither would change the rule. One conversation goes much better.
Last edited by job; 10/05/1909:10 PM. Reason: added link to new thread
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
