BPD WW in affair- Not sure what to do

[Tomjr443]

You all are absolutely correct on going dim as I cannot go completely dark due to our kid being involved. As I stated before I only answered because we had plans for her to pick up the kiddo and that was in the air due to a potential call into work for her. Therefore I assumed it was in regards to that and answered. I didn’t know the context of the call until after I’d already answered unfortunately. When she talked of anxiety I did validate her feelings and know now that I should not have tried to work her through issues and offer up advice but on the same side, I cannot say don’t call me unless it’s to reconcile etc and hang up on her as that will create stress on the co-parenting. **sigh** This is a mess...while I am thankful for our D5 and she’s changed my life, it’s made this whole sitch WAY more complicated. Hard to heal and focus on myself when there is going to be contact due to D5

[NewLife3]

You all are absolutely correct on going dim as I cannot go completely dark due to our kid being involved. As I stated before I only answered because we had plans for her to pick up the kiddo and that was in the air due to a potential call into work for her. Therefore I assumed it was in regards to that and answered. I didn’t know the context of the call until after I’d already answered unfortunately. When she talked of anxiety I did validate her feelings and know now that I should not have tried to work her through issues and offer up advice but on the same side, I cannot say don’t call me unless it’s to reconcile etc and hang up on her as that will create stress on the co-parenting. **sigh** This is a mess...while I am thankful for our D5 and she’s changed my life, it’s made this whole sitch WAY more complicated. Hard to heal and focus on myself when there is going to be contact due to D5

The best advice I got from someone on this site was to treat your W like she's a grocery store cashier that you're meeting for the first time and making small talk with. My W BD'ed me about 6 weeks ago, she is also having an A. We only text financial or divorce matters (she texts me questions and I answer, no more) and in person when we exchange our S4 I just make small talk like I've never met her before. Trust me in the beginning of this I was unable to do this, but 6 weeks in I find it is getting easier and easier. I still have days I want to scream at the top of my lungs and lay in the fetal position and cry, but I never let her see or know that.

[Tomjr443]

I still have days I want to scream at the top of my lungs and lay in the fetal position and cry, but I never let her see or know that.

I am feeling the same way but try my damnest to stay strong. Its definitely tough when you are used to communicating almost hourly via text and now the phone never lights up. The hardest habit to break has been to stop trying to "see" if she is involved in the A still. I had become so preoccupied with "gathering intel" in regards to her whereabouts and trying to catch her in a lie so that I could bust her head and hope it was a wakeup call. After being here a few days, lots of reading and working with my IC I have accepted that I cannot "fix" her even though I lose progress like I did the other day when she called and I answered regretfully. Now I don't worry about it anymore, her vehicles are still registered to the our martial home and she has not changed her DL to the new place yet, so I would be notified if something "drastic" were to happen to her like a wreck, arrest etc. She's definitely spiraling and seeing the consequences of her actions from the phone call today. She made an appointment to see a doctor about anxiety, gee I wonder why you have anxiety lmao. I did respond but only said that's good! I'm proud of you.

She has since suggested we all do something together this weekend with D5 like pumpkin picking at the farm etc.as she manged to get herself fired from one job due to spiraling and her boss seeing on camera. Going out to car to get high, drunk while working etc. I have not responded to that inquiry and I do not plan to. She knows where we will be, especially Sunday (church) and she has the ability to show up on her own accord. If she asks again about plans, its my plan to respond that we already have our weekend planned without her as she didn't have time for us before while we were living together, why should that change now that we are separated and I have stopped all pursuit efforts and trying to "love her back" to the marriage. No more hubby saves the day, IDC about her anxiety. Her decisions brought that upon herself and she was yo-yo'ing between me and AP because she felt "safe" with me and of course I was being a puppy dog at the time and rolling over every time she requested. Now she can rely on OM to help her through anxiety issues and panic attacks. That will break the fog faster than anything because she cannot keep up the I can take on the world, miss independent fantasy she has the OM believing I'm sure. OM won't want to deal with her issues and self induced anxiety because she decided to stray and validate her own insecurities.

[neffer]

You can´t play family if you are not family. Keep detaching Tom and be there for your girl. FInd some activities to do for the weekend and go do those with the best PMA. Enjoy some quality time with your kid.

Be strong there, keep DB!