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#2867262 10/04/19 03:22 AM
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I debated and debated about coming here but finally decided to do so to give myself some extra peace outside of my weekly family therapy sessions besides everyone is practically tired of hearing this story and is advising me to just go ahead and divorce .
So my husband and I have been together since high school and we have literally been bound by the hips ever since. I’m 33 he is 34 we have 6 beautiful children ages 2-16 and if your a math genius then you guessed right we were teenage parents !
Christmas Eve of 2018 my husband lost his grandma who had raised him and was a very big part of his life.

The day we buried her I knew something was changing in my husband unfortunately at that time I did not have the knowledge that I have now.
We spent New Years happy and Every thing had been going good Valentine came around and I got gifts galore the strange thing is by February 16th a flip had switched in him and by March he dropped the emotional bomb and I found out about the OW.
Now I must make this clear infidelity has never ever been a problem in my marriage my husband for the most part was attentive, the sexual chemistry was there, we laughed, joked, finished each other’s sentences we were really in sync.

After me finding out My husband came home for a few days but then woke me out my sleep and told me he couldn’t do our marriage anymore but yet had been saying how much he wanted the marriage to work.
The next day he gathered all his clothes and left the house to be with the OW. the OW was a shock to my core and what I did about it brings me so much shame and I won’t go into details but yes it was in retaliation to the OW and it landed me in jail for the weekend. It took me 33 years to get an arrest record and I feel so ashamed.

But anyway he stayed gone for about 2 months and shortly after our 5 year wedding anniversary in May we got back together.
During this time there was a change he would go from not to cold, was irritable with the children, irritated with me and to top it off we were living in different places the stress was real.
Well.that fairytale didn’t last long because by August we fell out AGAIN the cops were called and you guessed right my husband is back with the OW and he is saying things like I trapped him with the kids, I love you but I’m not in love with you, there is a lot of blame toward me and hatred to say the least.
Most recently things have taken a turn for the worse because we have absolutely NO communication he has turned his phone off and does not contact me or the children at all.
At this point I’m moving forward I’m working, getting my masters degree, taking care of the children and just trying to do any and everything I can think of to keep us on track while he gets his life together and I’m not saying that I am waiting on him I just know the relationship that we had was not indicative of the situation we are in now.

I feel lost and too far gone I read things that clearly indicate him being in a MLC but I’m not exactly sure as today I came across exit affairs. If someone can please offer me prayers tips clarity on what to do in this situation I would greatly appreciate it I just don’t know what to do

Last edited by Cadet; 10/04/19 03:33 PM. Reason: carriage returns for readability
ChelleC #2867276 10/04/19 11:31 AM
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I am posting Cadet's Welcome thread for you to read.

Welcome to the board

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

Yes first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

and Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htm

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!

Get out and Get a Life (GAL).

DETACH.

Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:

I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072

Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414

Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566

Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153

For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554

Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...ain=57819&Number=2578224#Post2578224

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619

Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon


Me-65, D32,S31


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
ChelleC #2867278 10/04/19 11:52 AM
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Thank you for the encouragement I’ll definitely look into the resources you provided!

ChelleC #2867284 10/04/19 01:07 PM
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Originally Posted by ChelleC
We spent New Years happy and Every thing had been going good Valentine came around and I got gifts galore the strange thing is by February 16th a flip had switched in him and by March he dropped the emotional bomb and I found out about the OW.


Do you know how long OW was in the picture? It sounds to me like it had been going on for quite a while and he was engaging in cake-eating- enjoying a nice married life as well as having a little fling on the side. A LOT of men in that situation end up getting an ultimatum from the OW at some point- "I'm done with this you have to choose or it's over" kind of thing. Of course to you it looks like it came out of nowhere since you didn't know about OW.

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Now I must make this clear infidelity has never ever been a problem in my marriage


Oh but it is, and you didn't know a thing about it until your H decided to BD you. Now what you should be wondering is how much else you didn't know. It sounds like he is very good at covering his tracks.

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I won’t go into details but yes it was in retaliation to the OW and it landed me in jail for the weekend.


Hopefully that behavior was a fluke. If you think there's a deeper anger management issue there then please do seek out some counseling because you don't want to be a danger to your kids or anyone else.

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But anyway he stayed gone for about 2 months and shortly after our 5 year wedding anniversary in May we got back together.


What precipitated this? Did you just roll out the red carpet and let him come home, or were you still living separately and "dating"? A lot of times the LBW will let the WAH come back too easily and it results in a "false recon".

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Most recently things have taken a turn for the worse because we have absolutely NO communication he has turned his phone off and does not contact me or the children at all.


That's terrible for the kids but actually is good for you. That will help you detach and leave him alone while you get busy getting your life in order. What is the financial situation, do you need support from him? Is he giving it? If everything is OK there then just let him have his time and space. If not then you might need to talk to a lawyer to make sure you're protected.

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At this point I’m moving forward I’m working, getting my masters degree, taking care of the children and just trying to do any and everything I can think of to keep us on track while he gets his life together and I’m not saying that I am waiting on him I just know the relationship that we had was not indicative of the situation we are in now.


That's great!

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I feel lost and too far gone I read things that clearly indicate him being in a MLC but I’m not exactly sure as today I came across exit affairs.


Sounds like MLC to me but sometimes it's hard to tell. Is he doing anything else out of character, like lavish spending, new car, traveling the world, hair implants, etc?


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
ChelleC #2867312 10/04/19 04:31 PM
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Another stander thanks for your replies I say that he never cheated because my husband was a clinger he depended on me for EVERYTHING he didn’t lock phones I would usually pick up his phone and answer if he wasn’t around like I had no inclination of any cheating he never made me feel inferior to other women now who is to say that he never cheated 🤷🏾‍♀️ I’m not sure I just know what I felt in my heart and I never felt my husband cheated prior to this. The other woman was not in the picture the weekend of Valentine we had a huge argument and he left to hang out with friends and they met that night and it moved pretty quickly from there. At that time we had a fancy car and he had a great job which he had lost since all of this happened. Honestly I don’t need his support as I was always the bread winner in the relationship I think more then anything I’m missing his companionship and company because I have everything else handled! I honestly think there is some depression involved too I think my husbands life is not where he wants it to be and that bothers him. For so long I have tried to take control of the family and boost his morale and try to make him feel like more of a man but this situation has quickly taught me that a person has to want it for themselves I cannot want it for him no matter how much I love him. The out of character for him is acting like a monster I saw somewhere that said you know it’s MLC if thinking back 2-3 years ago if someone would have told you this situation would occur whether you believed it to be true or not and in all honesty i would never imagine my husband doing this out of a million years. He adored his children and he adored his wife and everyone knew it!

ChelleC #2867317 10/04/19 05:17 PM
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I say that he never cheated because my husband was a clinger he depended on me for EVERYTHING he didn’t lock phones I would usually pick up his phone and answer if he wasn’t around like I had no inclination of any cheating


So was my XW. In fact everyone said she was the sweetest, kindest, and happiest person they knew. If you were to meet her right now she would be full of energy and be willing to help you out without barely knowing you. We were intimate couple days before BD and she even said she loved me the morning of BD. I also had access to her phone and could answer it as well. During this whole time she was talking bad about me to her friends at work, orchestrating every move to leave me, hating me completely, and cheating with D13 best friend's dad. She did all of this with a smile on her face. They have PHD's in lying, sneaking, hiding, manipulating, and cheating. They know you better than anyone and use that to their advantage.

Read, read, read everything on here. Your husband is not the same anymore. Do not trust your feelings, look at his actions. Take the advice of the veterans here. I am sorry you are here and I am sorry for the pain.


1st BD December 26, 2008
PA admitted to by XW December 29, 2008

2nd BD May 23, 2019
Daughter confirms EA
Divorce Finalized July 18, 2019
ChelleC #2867323 10/04/19 06:07 PM
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When I say I think he never cheated I’m speaking in the past tense since all this has happened I know there is currently the OW and he is with her! I’m just trying to detach myself from him so that I can move on and put this behind me I’m tired of going through this!

ChelleC #2867349 10/04/19 07:59 PM
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Originally Posted by ChelleC
I say that he never cheated because my husband was a clinger he depended on me for EVERYTHING he didn’t lock phones I would usually pick up his phone and answer if he wasn’t around like I had no inclination of any cheating he never made me feel inferior to other women now who is to say that he never cheated


You could be right, just seems very suspicious that he was able to carry on at least for a while completely undetected. Because "new" cheaters are usually quite sloppy. It's the serial cheaters that are masters at keeping things hidden. Serial cheaters almost always have a burner phone and intentionally leave their "regular" phone laying around unlocked all the time to foster a false sense of trust. But you definitely know he's a cheater now!

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Honestly I don’t need his support as I was always the bread winner in the relationship I think more then anything I’m missing his companionship and company because I have everything else handled!


That is REALLY fantastic, because that puts you in a great position to DB. So good, just leave him alone and do your thing.

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I honestly think there is some depression involved too I think my husbands life is not where he wants it to be and that bothers him. For so long I have tried to take control of the family and boost his morale and try to make him feel like more of a man but this situation has quickly taught me that a person has to want it for themselves I cannot want it for him no matter how much I love him.


Exactly right. That's a learning lesson a lot of us here go through, that this is more about our spouse and some internal struggle that they are going through than it is about us or what we did wrong in the M.

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The out of character for him is acting like a monster I saw somewhere that said you know it’s MLC if thinking back 2-3 years ago if someone would have told you this situation would occur whether you believed it to be true or not and in all honesty i would never imagine my husband doing this out of a million years. He adored his children and he adored his wife and everyone knew it!


Yes often that is true but I think there are some cases where it happens and it's not MLC, I think my XW is an example of that. She went through something but didn't have the usual signs of MLC at all. The DB'ing approach is the same regardless. The biggest difference is MLC can take a long LONG time to resolve.


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57

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