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A Message from Michele
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Re: Midlife wife crisis10 [Re: Wolfman] #2867081
10/02/19 04:19 PM
10/02/19 04:19 PM
Joined: Feb 2019
Posts: 483
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Wolfman Offline OP
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Wolfman  Offline OP
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DS9 thank you for that. I have done a lot of reading about MLC. At this point I feel like an expert. I know this is what she is going through. Itís just that I am running out of patience. Itís been over a year and I have hurt way too much. I donít know if I want to be the lighthouse anymore. I just want to start finding the joys in life again.

IH you are right I have spent a lot of time worrying and being depressed about this. First my IC says that this is normal, I am grieving the loss of my marriage. Everyone grieves at different rates. You made a lot of good points about how she interacts with me and other people. I am just being the best person possible. And I am doing it for me. This is the new me if she recognizes it great, if not still great. I needed to go through the pain of this separation/divorce itís the only way I would get better. IH I am now trying to save myself. She is no longer becoming number 1 in my life. Itís me now!!!

MLCxH her fantasy world is out of control. And I see it getting worse. The way she is spending money, her behavior towards me and the kids (very angry) looking for any reason to go out. We have good jobs but the financial hole
She must be putting herself in must be deep. And I know she sees me happy and that pisses her off. I am trying to find little positive things each day to make me happy or smile.

Now onto what happened yesterday. Yesterday I was out with the kids and I received a text from her, that we need to talk when I bring the kids back. I said ok what is it about. She replied we just need to talk face to face. I bring the kids back to the house and she was out. So I got the kids to shower and get ready for bed. I went into the den to watch tv until she got home. When she got home she said hello and got right to it. We need to talk about 2 things. I said ok. The first was about who was Gerri g the kids what days because there were some days off coming up. We took care of that. Second she goes why am I hearing it from 3 separate people that you are dating someone I know. I said what?? I told her I am not dating anyone she knows and that these people are lying. Then she said when had proof of it. I said really? Because it has to be made up because I am born dating anyone she knows. She said I donít know why you need to hide it and I need to hear it from other people. I told her I am not hiding anything. I said who are these people accuse me of dating? She refused to tell me. She said I donít care Iím happy for you just donít know why itís a secret. I said there is no secret itís not true. I told her many people were jealous of our marriage and now that we are going through this there are many people who are ecstatic about our divorce. And they are looking to add more fuel to the fire. So at this point I was so annoyed I said I hope at least she is hot. She said well I donít like this person anyway and you guys are good for each other. I said really. Again I have no idea who you are talking about. Then she actually had the nerve to say. That she was embarrassed to hear this from other people and that they asked her if this was going on during our marriage and if this is the reason for us getting divorced. Iím telling everyone on here she is out of her f mind. I never once had an inappropriate conversation with another woman let alone cheat. I told her you are out of your mind if you believe something was going on during our marriage. She said I donít care just donít know why itís a secret. I soaked you really arenít going to tell me who it is. She said no because then you will hide it more. And she walked away.

I know I shouldnít have engaged in that much conversation, now. But I was totally thrown off guard by that because none of that is true. My question is how should I have handled that? Also, if she is d me and has told me she doesnít have those feelings anymore, why does she care if Iím dating anyway? She wanted me to confess to her but yet says it doesnít matter. The. Why are we even having this conversation? My head is spinning.


M:41 W:40
T:19 M: 15
D:12. S:9
BD: 8/10/18
Moved out: 8/18
Moved in: 9/18/18
Moved out: 4/22/19
D papers signed 11/4/19
Re: Midlife wife crisis10 [Re: Wolfman] #2867084
10/02/19 04:28 PM
10/02/19 04:28 PM
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IHCLACS Offline
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Sounds like a lot of rumors, mixed in with phishing for proof that doesn't exist, to satisfy run away thoughts, with a desire to confirm that those thoughts, hunches or alleged or supposed red flags are right. Its drama to confirm those thoughts, or seek attention to engage you. Now ask me how I know this? Good job at not playing into it, especially if it isn't true. Wolf I think your W is BPD with histronic negative thinking. It takes one to know one.

Last edited by IHCLACS; 10/02/19 04:30 PM.
Re: Midlife wife crisis10 [Re: Wolfman] #2867086
10/02/19 04:40 PM
10/02/19 04:40 PM
Joined: Nov 2013
Posts: 2,520
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Thornton Offline
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Sounds like a whole bunch of projecting to me. And I don't think anyone told her anything, she suspects you are involved with OW and is trying to trick you into admitting it by lying and saying everyone is talking about it.


Me 43
He 43
D: 18
D: 12
T: 8 years

Bomb 5/10/2014
Back 7/7/2014

Bomb 2 1/28/2016
Back: 5/2016

Bomb 3 4/3/2017
She moved away with SD: 5/27/2017
Back: 8/1/2018

Bomb 4 9/11/2019
Re: Midlife wife crisis10 [Re: Wolfman] #2867089
10/02/19 05:06 PM
10/02/19 05:06 PM
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 8,007
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AnotherStander Offline
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Thornton said exactly what I was going to say. She was on a fishing expedition. Probably made up the part about anyone telling her anything. She was probably trying to bait you with the "you're dating someone I know" part as well, hoping you'd feel inclined to respond with "you don't know the person I'm dating" and then she would say "AHA so you ARE dating someone!" If this comes up again I would be inclined to simply tell her your dating life is none of her business and then walk away, period. Because it is NOT her business.

Well after my XW and I separated, on a week she had the kids a lady I was seeing spent the night. She left her BMW parked in the driveway. The next morning XW calls me and is sitting in the driveway behind the BMW because one of the kids had left something at my house and she needed it for school. I took it out to her and wished her a good day. Did I explain why there was a car there or who's it was or apologize or act embarrassed? NO it is NONE OF HER BUSINESS. She fired me as H, took off and rented a house. What do I owe her after that?

It's none of her business Wolfie. This is YOUR life now to do with as you please.


Me: 58 w/ S16, D22, D25
Current R: 4 years
Previous M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:56
Re: Midlife wife crisis10 [Re: AnotherStander] #2867094
10/02/19 05:26 PM
10/02/19 05:26 PM
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 42
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Ske0187 Offline
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Hi Wolf,

This happens to me regularly. Not the dating but an outright accusation of cheating. Total guilt transference/projection.

I hate it. It makes me feel horrible. (Based on previous triggers) I'm not in any position to date or anything else.

Quote
She fired me as H


That's exactly the term I've been looking for for myself and the W as a short and sweet reason I've withdrawn. I'll use that instead of busting out all of the specific individual reasons. I don't ever verbalize them. Just the reasons going on in my head.

You fired me as your H...

Perfectly stated.


Me 56
W 42
T14
M12
ILYBINILWY 08/07/19
BD 08/11/19 Discovered
Whaaaat?
2 Kids
One DD 30mos Adopted from Foster 12/18
One DS 17mos Adopting First week of Sept 19
Separate BR 08/15/19
Re: Midlife wife crisis10 [Re: Wolfman] #2867101
10/02/19 07:33 PM
10/02/19 07:33 PM
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IHCLACS Offline
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As AS said. Always be the one to walk away first in all conversations. Especially the ones containing pre-meditated drama to rope you in. You see what she did there Wolf? She projected, then puled a power play by walking away first. I am going to say this because I am the semi dramatic emotional one within reason in a relationship. There were times I wanted to continue the convos in my sich over the last 12 months because I had further thoughts that needed to be expressed, thus stirring the drama pot a little. My XW is doing what they call "Emotional Gray Rock" and I am too, to an extent, where they will shut down all emotional interactions with you, happy, sad, whatever. To "protect themselves" Almost like going NC. Interactions. Your XW probably won't accuse you of it again, and either is misinformed, projecting, or fishing for drama and temp checking. If you ever find yourself in that spot again with anyone, where they accuse you of something you know isn't true. After defending tour position once and only once, I would indifferently or cheering say something like : "Ok ... If you say and think so?" And be the first to walk away. Why should their opinion of you matter to you if it isn't true? The more you defend yourself, the more it cements the idea in their head that it is true. Should have fended you see her "imaginary proof" She's acting like a child, so treat her like one. Remove yourself from any and all situations that has nothing to do with the kids.

Re: Midlife wife crisis10 [Re: Wolfman] #2867104
10/02/19 07:51 PM
10/02/19 07:51 PM
Joined: Jan 2019
Posts: 912
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IHCLACS Offline
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Great article on relationship habituation. Too bad too little too late for me. But great article. https://www.mindbodygreen.com/articles/habit-continuity-creates-stronger-more-intimate-relationship

Last edited by IHCLACS; 10/02/19 07:52 PM.
Re: Midlife wife crisis10 [Re: IHCLACS] #2867188
10/03/19 04:12 PM
10/03/19 04:12 PM
Joined: Feb 2019
Posts: 483
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Wolfman Offline OP
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Originally Posted by IHCLACS
Wolf I think your W is BPD with histronic negative thinking. It takes one to know one.


You really think so? I really donít know who she is anymore. Certainly not the woman I married. I miss the woman I married but it looks like she is gone!!!

Originally Posted by Thornton
Sounds like a whole bunch of projecting to me. And I don't think anyone told her anything, she suspects you are involved with OW and is trying to trick you into admitting it by lying and saying everyone is talking about it.


Again my question is why? At this point why does she care? She is the one who wants divorce? Why does she care if I am dating? Is it because she is losing her planB?

Originally Posted by AnotherStander
..."you're dating someone I know" part as well, hoping you'd feel inclined to respond with "you don't know the person I'm dating" and then she would say "AHA so you ARE dating someone!"

It's none of her business Wolfie. This is YOUR life now to do with as you please.


At this point why would she care? Why does she want to ďcatchĒ me dating someone? Is it ok for me to date?

Originally Posted by IHCLACS
She's acting like a child, so treat her like one. Remove yourself from any and all situations that has nothing to do with the kids.


She is absolutely acting like a selfish child. Again, no idea who this woman is. She only focuses on the negative in life but has made me enemy #1. She has become even more self absorbed, on her phone 24/7, constantly yelling at the kids and doesnít want to be bothered with them. She has done a 180 from the person I married.

I call the kids every morning to wish them a good day at school. I always ask them how did they sleep, are they getting ready, are they behaving, what they had for breakfast. So yesterday morning I call my d and ask the same questions, she just gives me one word answers. Then my s gets on and ask the same questions. My w gets on and says why do you ask them what they have for breakfast? Do you think I donít feed them in the morning? I said I know you do just have a conversation with my kids. She said I donít understand why you need to know what they are eating. I said itís because they donít say much and just trying to get them to talk. She went on a little more about it. The. We ha g up and I get a text from her: I guess I should be asking them what they eat when they are with you?

I respond: Iím just striking up conversation with them. They donít say much.

She responds:I canít imaging you would be checking up bc I have always fed my children well and make them eat even when they arenít hungry.

I have no idea where this is coming from. I ask the same questions every morning just to get them to talk. She is losing her mind.

Feelings thoughts?


M:41 W:40
T:19 M: 15
D:12. S:9
BD: 8/10/18
Moved out: 8/18
Moved in: 9/18/18
Moved out: 4/22/19
D papers signed 11/4/19
Re: Midlife wife crisis10 [Re: Wolfman] #2867192
10/03/19 04:55 PM
10/03/19 04:55 PM
Joined: Nov 2013
Posts: 2,520
Colorado
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Thornton Offline
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Posts: 2,520
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Wolf,

I can relate to your thought process as you try to reconcile in your mind how this all happened.

Bottom line, your W needs to think of you as the devil in order to justify her decisions/actions. She is going to keep doing this for awhile.

Keep in mind that she will also try and bait you into fights so she can rationalize and justify her actions to herself and others. Don't fall for her tricks and never react to whatever you might be feeling. Come here to vent if you need to.


Me 43
He 43
D: 18
D: 12
T: 8 years

Bomb 5/10/2014
Back 7/7/2014

Bomb 2 1/28/2016
Back: 5/2016

Bomb 3 4/3/2017
She moved away with SD: 5/27/2017
Back: 8/1/2018

Bomb 4 9/11/2019
Re: Midlife wife crisis10 [Re: Wolfman] #2867194
10/03/19 05:02 PM
10/03/19 05:02 PM
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 8,007
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AnotherStander Offline
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Posts: 8,007
Originally Posted by Wolfman
At this point why would she care? Why does she want to ďcatchĒ me dating someone? Is it ok for me to date?


As the old saying goes, she doesn't want you but she doesn't want anyone else to have you either. She wants to do whatever she wants, but she wants you to sit and mope and pine for her and live like a monk for the rest of your life.

Quote
I have no idea where this is coming from. I ask the same questions every morning just to get them to talk. She is losing her mind.


She's paranoid. She's probably worried you are trying to build a case against her to take the kids away. Maybe start asking them other things, like tell them you're going to the store and ask them what they'd like you to get them to eat for breakfast when they're at your house.


Me: 58 w/ S16, D22, D25
Current R: 4 years
Previous M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:56
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