This is the first time I have reached out to a community for help in regards to my situation so please bear with me and accept my apologies if it becomes a ramble.
We have been married 5 years this October. We began having problems around the beginning May 2019 with my wife not coming home after work, staying with "friends" because she drank too much, etc. I stood my ground and said that this will not be tolerated and we continued to live together for a few weeks. We had a huge blowout in regards to our intimacy and lack thereof. I was under extreme pressure from work, coupled with the problems in the marriage. On May 5th (cinco de mayo) I had quite a few margaritas at dinner and we got into an argument on the way home. Once home I drank more (bad idea) and left the house. I wound up getting into an accident, totaling my truck, charged with DUI and arrested. Once I got out I came home and obviously she was upset with my actions. I nearly killed myself over drinking to escape our problems. A few days later I found out that she was house hunting and had purchased a trailer by her mothers about 45 minutes away from our current home. I became enraged again because she had not told me this and I had no clue she was working on an exit from the home. We finally settled down and agreed to a 6 month separation so that I could work on my issues with alcohol and other vices which were causing problems. I helped her get settled into the new place and helped to move things from the home that we weren't using so she could have them there etc. In this time we never truly "separated" in the sense of the word. She would still come home and stay the night etc. I made changes in my behavior and started seeing our counselor on an individual basis to work on my issues. I am happy to say that in the last 5 months I have made great strides and been sober since. I also drastically changed the way I treated my wife when she was around, to show that I was making honest changes in myself to benefit us all. (We have a 5 year old daughter)
Fast forward a little. I had been communicating with our counselor and he began to press issues and ask questions in regards to how I would deal with infidelity, divorce etc. After much probing he eventually broke down and told me that she was involved in an affair with someone from her work. They had been seeing each other the entire time and even before the agreed trial separation.It basically broke down to the time frame our intimacy fell apart while still living together and before the accident. He stated that it was a physical affair and that she admitted to him that she did not see a future with the AP. While all of this is going on, I had suspicions that something was going on, we have been together nearly 8 years. I know when something is not right. I decided to just let it burn itself and see where it goes. She continued to come around home, stay the night etc and then the next night be with the AP. I finally got my fill of this and confronted her with the evidence I had of the affair and demanded that she stop and work on the marriage or I would file. She adamantly denies the affair taking place, even know in the light of everything. Tells me I am crazy, people are telling me things to start stuff etc. Basic projection and gas lighting traits associated with someone with BPD.She refuses to take medication as in her own words, "it makes me feel weird and if I took it I would just come back home." and I don't want to make a decision based upon medication (even though she NEEDS it) So after not seeing her a few days we began texting again, arguing about the lies shes told etc. Finally I told her that I cannot do this anymore and that if she would not accept her responsibility for her actions then I would file. She said "thats fine" So yesterday I filed although I didn't really want to. I still love her and want to help her with her mental issues but I feel like shes really forcing my hand and trying to control me and the relationship. As a typical BPD relationship, when its good its great and when its bad its REAL bad.
Obviously I want to save the marriage or I wouldn't be here. I filed to take control of the situation and set a clear boundary that her behavior will not be accepted. Have I gone too far? She has not been served yet and I don't want to tell them NOT to serve her because it clearly shows weakness on my part and not following through on the boundary I set. I am so confused, hurt and do not know what to do or how to approach this situation. I hope that someone here and give me a little insight.
Thanks and sorry again, as I look back this was WAY too long for an opening thread. My apologies.
I always advise people here that if they are thinking about filing, then WAIT. Wait a couple of months, and if you tell yourself every day that yes, you want to file and you are OK with D then at the end of two months go ahead and file. But if you have second thoughts during that time then you're not ready.
If you changed your mind then withdraw it. Yes it might make you look weak to her, but if you're not ready then you're not ready. If she asks why then just tell her you decided you needed more time to think about it.
Cadet or Job will be along shortly with a lot of links, read them, they will help! Also pick up DR and read it.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
It basically broke down to the time frame our intimacy fell apart while still living together and before the accident.
Funny how that works, right? But remember there are things you can do in the future to build a better relationship (not necessarily with your W) that doesn't have these problems.
Quote
I still love her and want to help her with her mental issues but I feel like shes really forcing my hand and trying to control me and the relationship.
I guess the question is, are you willing to divorce her over this? My guess is yes because you already filed. Was that done out of principle or desperation?
Anyways, I'm sorry you are here. Read those links and read other situations. Make yourself into a great man and learn/heal/grow as much as you can.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
I guess the question is, are you willing to divorce her over this? My guess is yes because you already filed. Was that done out of principle or desperation?
I did it to enforce the boundary and after she stated "its over" but I've heard that before from her. Especially during a manic episode and her lashing out in anger. I have not signed the papers yet as my L is still drafting the dissolution and other necessary paperwork to file. My hope is that the service would shock her into the reality that she could lose me. Plus I'm still so angry over the fact she continues to lie about the affair and try to make me question my own sanity.
So it sounds like you are doing this out of desperation to control the outcome and bring her to her proverbial senses, right?
Are you prepared to be divorced and push this through? You're the one who will have to live with it.
I am because of all the betrayal and lies are mounting up. I was no perfect husband but just tonight she came over to get clothes and stuff she still had here which I boxed up. We talked about things some but she’s still in denial over the affair and is dragging the past up and saying I did this to us and she hasn’t done anything in regards to an affair. I asked her do you plan on punishing me for the my past behavior to deflect from what you are doing now? I’ve lied, you’ve lied, I’ve hurt you and you are hurting me. How much is enough? Time to just let it go and start over anew. She can’t even commit to that. Said she doesn’t even know if she wants to be with her husband. The one who has been faithful this entire time...oh but her affair never did or is going on according to her. Right....
I did break the news that I did meet with my lawyer on Monday and I sent a screenshot of the attachments but not the content so that she knows I’m dead serious about it. She said she doesn’t want to file yet and I’m still in the air honestly because I feel like if I do. It’s going to be the final nail in the coffin and there will be no hope for reconciliation. I asked if she wanted to see the counselor and she refused so I asked her is that because he knows what you were doing and you don’t want to face the consequences and questions regarding your actions? Again she said I haven’t done anything. Which is so frustrating. I’d love to believe my wife but I trust my gut and our therapist as he wouldn’t lie about it. I guess I could roll the ring cameras back and listen in on their session to confirm but I just dint feel right doing so.
I asked her do you plan on punishing me for the my past behavior to deflect from what you are doing now?
It appears that the answer is yes.
Quote
I’ve lied, you’ve lied, I’ve hurt you and you are hurting me. How much is enough? Time to just let it go and start over anew. She can’t even commit to that
That's good logic, but she is not being logical. She is being emotional. The pursuit does not usually work. Read the links on pursuit.
She's obviously going to continue lying about the affair so you'd be best to quit discussing it.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
I asked her do you plan on punishing me for the my past behavior to deflect from what you are doing now?
It appears that the answer is yes.
Quote
I’ve lied, you’ve lied, I’ve hurt you and you are hurting me. How much is enough? Time to just let it go and start over anew. She can’t even commit to that
That's good logic, but she is not being logical. She is being emotional. The pursuit does not usually work. Read the links on pursuit.
She's obviously going to continue lying about the affair so you'd be best to quit discussing it.
Agreed and I plan on going dark after tonight’s episode. She knows where I stand and what I want. I have the papers ready and am still debating on filing as I don’t feel we are getting anywhere BUT as I stated before we never truly “separated” per say. She just simply moved out to not be accountable to me for not coming home, working late etc. in hindsight. I’ll definitely read up on the pursuit links.
I appreciate all your advice between my IC suggesting I file to send a message vs what I read and discuss with others I am really torn on what to do. I’m definitely holding off for a bit as we are only around 2 weeks out from me confronting her in regards to the affair.
Quick update. Rolled back the cameras at the house after she left last night and definitely confirmed what the counselor told me about the affair. He asked her about him and whether she was struggling with a decision on the M. She said yes and that the AP is a "good guy" and she feels a connection sexually with him. That sunk my heart into my stomach with a quickness. Also admitted that she had sex with me a few weeks ago to see if she felt anything and said she didn't feel anything and it bothered her. Then she began to complain about our prior sex life, how they can go 4x a day etc. That also just enraged me that much more. Sure, its easy to do that when you're off in fantasy land with zero responsibilities like running the household, cleaning and taking care of our kiddo. That's all been on me since the separation and frankly even before as she made it a point to never be around. Always "working" which I do see as she has two jobs currently but I always knew that when she went MIA via text for 12+ hours. I know what she was doing.
I have decided to go dark upon finding these details, changed the lock codes on the door and garage so she cannot "come and go" as she pleases. She was making trips to the house while I was at work when we were not staying together. So IMO she doesn't live here anymore so she doesn't need access to the house. I don't have a key to the trailer she purchased with "marital funds" she hid from working.
