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phnix #2866673 09/28/19 02:30 PM
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B... IMO you should NOT contribute to your wife losing her job whether you want to R or not. You think your son is being impacted now? The fallout from all of that would impact him much, much more. Trust me. You do NOT want that for him and you do not want to make your situation any uglier than it already is. Take the focus off of her and what she is doing and put it fully back on yourself.

Yes it is a maddening situation. My XH secretly moved in with his coworker while we were still married. I am a therapist in the community who works very closely with the schools in our community including the school he teaches at. Only six months before all of that, we hosted his staff Christmas party. For sure other people knew about the affair before I did. The shame is his though, not mine. I hold my head up high and choose better not bitter. As time has gone on and my feelings have faded, I am beyond glad that I did not act on any of my angry feelings as it kept things amicable between me and my XH and, more importantly, my kids have adjusted as well as could be expected. They were able to do that because they saw that I was okay. Did it also make things easier on my XH who absolutely did not deserve to have it be easy? For sure it did... but I don’t care about that... I care about my kids. And I believe in karma and my XH has boatloads coming his way.

I KNOW how painful this is. It is the WORST pain I have EVER gone through. I did not think I would ever get through it. It shook me to my core and I still have moments of disbelief and anger but they are just moments and, for the most part, I am happy to be living an authentic life surrounded by people who love and care for me. You will get through this B. And when you do and you look back on everything, you will be ever so glad you took the high road and were a good role model to your son. GAL and show him what AMOAFWL really looks like. (((HUGS)))

phnix #2866732 09/29/19 06:33 AM
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BB,

When I read your post I notice one theme coming from you, well one mostly. And it's JUSTICE. You want your WW to feel the pain for the destruction she has caused.

You often use phrases like, "she gets away with".

But here's a piece of advice. Justice doesn't belong to you. You aren't to one to teach her a lesson. The more you try to
, "Show her", the more your hurt your healing and chances of her receiving JUSTICE. The more you intervene, the more you end up looking like the weak bad guy. Back away and allow her to fall on her own. Listen to the advice on here, she don't need you to help her to crash and burn, it will come in time, just not in the the time frame you want.

You want her to feel the pain from the destruction she caused and you want it too happen immediately, but it will come slow and in due time.

Your words are weak at the moment, but you want your actions to be strong. Instead on telling her you want her to leave, show her. Pack her things in boxes and place them in the garage. The next statement is, "l packed your items. I can't control who or when you talk to people, but I do have say so in this home, I demand respect, since you can't respect our home, I WANT you too leave". Will she leave, maybe not, but your actions and words now meet up.

When giving boundaries, they must be controllable by you.

Actions you can take: If she's talking to OM and you are paying the cell phone bills. You can say, I won't be paying your cell phone bill any longer. I won't be disrespected.

But if she's paying her own bill, it's no boundary to be set there.

Ultimatums are tricky, because, they are fueled by immediate choices, but they aren't leverage by immediate consequences, especially by LBS. Once you place and ultimatum out there you must be prepared to follow thru on whatever choice is choosen by the WS.

Boundaries are not ultimatums, they are protections for the LBS. Things you will not tolerate. Boundaries aren't choices to be placed at the WS feet but barriers to keep them out and at a distance from the LBS.

Read the boundary thread!!!

You got this BB


M:37 W:37
T:11 M:10
S17, S13, S10, S4
BD:06/28/17
OM confirmed 07/20/17
Recon the M 10/29/17
Working hard:2gether

Onward and forward

This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
phnix #2866793 09/30/19 02:08 AM
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I know I'm all over the place and need to read more of the book. I feel hopeless and powerless. I need to read the post on boundaries and come up with a game plan. You are heading into deep waters each and every day.

I confronted her about continuing to talk with him at night and told her she needed to move out if she was going to continue to do this in our house. She has agreed to move out and is now back claiming she needs space so she can make a decision as to what she wants for her future. She has no where to go and will continue staying in the other room.

I have met with a lawyer and he told me it would be best to do everything 50/50 which she has suggested she would agree with it. Since I have demanded more respect she has become very angry and hateful to me. This is not in her nature.

Tonight she fought with her dad about staying at his house so she took it out on me. She claims she wants divorce now and that she doesn't want to work on this marriage. She has gone to the other room and closed the door and turned the lights out so she can chat with the OM.

phnix #2866816 09/30/19 11:16 AM
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B,

I would suggest right now you stop the confrontation about her talking with OM. You can't force her to move out and she is in the other room so that is good. Not surprising that she is angry because you are commanding respect. She expects you to cave in and give her what she wants. She will now try to manipulate you by throwing you little crumbs by saying "I need space to figure out what I want".

The truth of the matter is right now she is making decisions based on emotion (not logic and reason) and she is 100% sure she wants a divorce. There is nothing you can do to changes this and that is why you feel hopeless and powerless. Worst feeling in the world right? Unfortunately you can't change her feelings so the best thing for you to do is to keep your dignity and step aside at let this all play out.

Remember any relationship started and built on lies and deceit is sure to crumble at some point.

phnix #2866855 09/30/19 05:21 PM
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I've read the boundaries thread and yes I have been saying a lot of statements that come across as "Controlling". I can now see why she has pulled away and even called a lawyer this morning. It seems like every time the light bulb goes off it is too late.

I guess its not to late to set boundaries and at the same time demand respect without trying to make her respect me. My boundaries will be respected because they are for me. She may like it or not but it will not come from a place where it makes her feel like I am manipulating or controlling her.

I can see how this is also giving respect and will ultimately help yourself gain respect in the process. It comes from a place of true inner strength and resilience. Boundaries when applied correctly will also give you confidence because you do not allow someone to cross them and that builds strength.

I guess my next step is to create a game plan for the future. Set boundaries based on things that protect my feelings and my integrity. Continue to do 180's, detach, and GAL.

phnix #2866856 09/30/19 05:24 PM
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Light bulb quote, " Boundaries are about you and not her. They are about your feelings not her feelings." Comments, discussions, and actions that hurt your feelings. Express your desire to not discuss or participate in such actions or comments.

phnix #2866882 09/30/19 07:20 PM
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Ok baller what kind of boundaries are you going to set and what are the consequences if crossed?

phnix #2866891 09/30/19 08:19 PM
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BB, I'd suggest you put the boundaries on hold. It seems like you are really overthinking things right now. A lot of us come here wanting desperately to gain some semblance of control back in our lives, the problem is we think "control" is "forcing my W to come back"but it's not. Getting control back means moving forward and organizing a life for yourself WITHOUT your wife. THAT is what you need to be focusing on right now. I just have a very strong suspicion that if you answer LH your boundaries are going to be all about W giving up OM and recommitting to the M, not talking to OM in the house, etc. etc. But the point we're trying to make here is THAT is you trying to control her, and you can't. She has to CHOOSE not to do those things. The more you try to force her, the more likely she'll become even more wayward.

So forget the boundaries and focus on YOU and the kids. Leave her be for now. Get your life back under control and find yourself again. When things have settled down a bit then you can revisit this and decide what you want to do.


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
phnix #2866916 10/01/19 02:29 AM
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I agree with AS, I need to get control of myself. I am 4 months into this and all I can think of is what I can do to save the marriage instead of saving myself. I’ve got to focus on myself and my son. I think relaxing and having no expectations from her would do me a lot of good. It’s just taking me a long time to get there.

Boundaries will eventually be about things she says to manipulate and control me. She has done a good job of that the past 4 months and it has my self-esteem extremely low. Blaming me or suggestions of not being like other fathers are examples of things I will not listen too.

phnix #2867088 10/02/19 05:05 PM
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I feel liberated actually not worrying about my situation. I have been busy with school and trying to get ready for my season. Been really nice to take my mind off of everything

She actually thanked me this morning for giving her space and she continues to text me asking If I am alright. I truly am alright. "AS" was right in saying I needed to work on myself first because it allows me to see things more clearly. I began back working out 2 days ago and that has helped.

I do miss the companionship at times but it has been easier.

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