22 years gone

[rooskers]

It has been a little over 4 months since BD and 2 months since divorce and D13 and I had the weirdest thoughts and feelings yesterday. We were washing the dishes and doing laundry when it occurred to us how strange it would be if XW ever came to the house. I don't mean in a bad way I just mean how much of a stranger she has become to us. It was not that long ago she would be helping us with dishes or going upstairs to what was then our room or using the upstairs bathroom. If she was here now I would feel weird if she went upstairs like it was an invasion of my privacy. If she tried to do dishes it would feel like the delivery person coming in and offering to do my dishes. D13 said "This is our home and I am not sure if I would ever invite her in." She then clarified that it wasn't to be mean it would just feel like inviting a door to door salesperson inside and letting them walk around our house.

This is certainly better than the pain we have felt and even a little joy in the moving on, but at the same time there is a little sadness in it as well

[DS9]

Thats a great mind set roo. Would it be prudent to explore your daughters mindset about her mum though with her ic?

[rooskers]

D13 had her Friday and Saturday. She ignored D13 Friday and when D13 woke up and was coming down stairs she heard XW with a guy friend over and they were both laughing while talking trash about me. We are divorced so XW of course can have any guy friends she wants but D13 is having a hard enough time being over there and connecting, why would you surprise her with a strange guy first thing in the morning. D13 also says her house and car smell like pot and she thinks she is smoking it.. It isn't illegal here but for D13 it is just another thing that is making her feel like her mom is a stranger to her.

I told her to write both things in her journal and bring it up with her therapist. Luckily she calmed down quickly because I had made homemade soup which caused the house to smell amazing and then after eating took her over to a friends house and we played card games. When we got home she was down again so I held her until she fell asleep in my arms.

[kas99]

I think this could potentially be a good thing. From what you’ve said she only tries to be super mom when she’s in between men. She ignored your D on Friday so she’s already slipping. Your ex puts her needs above everyone else’s. So sad for your D. So sad for you.

[DS9]

Hey Roo

You're doing great buddy. You're a fine dad, and your daughter will benefit from the steely resolve and stability you bring to her life.

I'd suggest though speaking to your L about these recent developments in the context of what duties you may have in continuing to act protectively of your daughter, particularly given the drug allegations. I'd relay all this to your lawyer and get advice.

I'm not sure how the Family Law system works in the USA sorry, so ask your lawyer and do it quickly please.

[rooskers]

'd suggest though speaking to your L about these recent developments in the context of what duties you may have in continuing to act protectively of your daughter, particularly given the drug allegations.

Nothing can be done about her inviting some strange guy over in the morning because we are divorced and I never had that stipulation of no guys over put in the paperwork. My fault completely, but at the time I didn't think it would have been a problem.

Nothing can be done about the drug allegations because this drug is completely legal where I live. It might have been something to use in the divorce if we had fought over custody and visitation but I didn't need to fight she only wanted D13 for 52 days of the year. Since the divorce is final the judge would treat smoking pot the same as if she smoked cigarettes.

Besides that life is going great and D13 and I are planning a vacation during Christmas. We both agreed we need to start some new traditions while not completely throwing out the old ones.

[DS9]

Sorry Roo - I'm amazed the drug is legal. Not your fault mate - unless youre a mind reading magician.

Where are headed for the xmas holidays?

New traditions sound like a great idea.

Good work Roo

[rooskers]

In keeping with the old traditions we have decorated the house for Halloween and plan on going overboard for Christmas. We like the feeling it gives us as we walk into our house. We have been invited to a Halloween party and have already gotten D13's costume. She wants to be Piglet and her friends will be Pooh, Tiger, and Eeyore.

Both of us wanted to go on a road trip and we are desperately trying to layer memories over old ones. So we talked about what to do for Christmas and she has decided that she wants to go to Disneyland. We were there once before but she says the memory of it hurts her a lot because we had gone as a family that no longer exists. So off to Disneyland we go to create new fun filled memories.

All that aside I feel like it is difficult to get a new social life or be able to GAL as an adult. My life pretty much consists of work, raising D13, and house chores. I am having a great time and love it but not sure what I will do in couple years when D13 is driving and I am alone a lot more. I was a family man and loved every minute of it and was really looking forward to spending time with my XW when D13 got older and now I have to completely rethink what I want to even do. I am not afraid of being alone but just haven't really found anything that has caught my interest. I guess I will figure it out eventually.

[rooskers]

D13 is having a really hard time today. I can't seem to find a lot of good books and information for teens going through what she is experiencing. Most seem geared to little children or geared toward two people splitting on wonderful terms with both parents mentally and emotionally stable. Talking with a friend last night got me questioning myself. How do I help prepare D13 in dealing with a narcissistic mother and at the same time not cross into bashing XW. Should I even be helping at all in that area? Then there is the questioning of am I the one who needs the help and should someone be preparing or giving D13 the tools to deal with me?

[rooskers]

It was a very good weekend. D13 and I went up to my friends hunting camp and D13 learned how to chop firewood, build campfires, and roast hotdogs over a fire. The next day we went to a really awesome pumpkin patch where we got lost in a huge corn maze. The maze was so big it even needed a map. I have been taking her to the same pumpkin patch since she was one. It was the first year we did it without XW and we were both having a difficult time but we pushed through it.