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Joined: May 2019
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BenB Offline OP
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Hey everyone,

Been a few weeks since you heard from me. My old threads are archived due to the risk of my stbxw finding them although that might just be me being paranoid.

Recap for those that don't know about my sitch -

- joined this forum early May 2019

- I was desperate to save my marriage after W became cold and distant beginning of February 2019. Never begged or pleaded but I initiated a few R talks which of course made things worse.

- I was ready to end the relationships but was talked out of it by kind souls here at the forum. I was reacting on emotions a lot so that would have been a bad idea.

- I earn a lot of money, stbxw is struggling and I have a solid prenup which means she leaves with nothing.

- things became a lot better after I joined the forum. We started spending more time together. Her partying and staying out late stopped completely.

- mid June we went to Paris together and although it was a great trip, there was no intimacy.

- I work with famous artists so end of August I went on a month long tour. After about two weeks I found out my W brought home a man and had sex with him in our apartment. I was crushed and told her she needs to move out and when I come home, she will sleep on the couch until she finds some place else to stay.

- the next day I felt completely different and felt I could forgive her until AnotherStander talked sense into me and made me realize how serious her lies and selfishness were.

Today:

Came home from the tour Sunday, September 22. W had cooked lunch and cleaned the apartment and was very humble and nice to me. I acted cordial and polite. That evening I was meeting a woman who is interested in buying the special we recorded for the artist I was on tour with. I showered and dressed nicely and told W I was going out for dinner that night. This was strictly a business meeting but I didn't mind the side effect of seeing her worried. And she sure seemed worried when I left.

During dinner I get a text from her asking if it's ok if she goes to bed. I didn't see the text until hours later and thought it was weird at first until I realized she probably plans to sleep in the bed.

I came home half past midnight and found her in bed. I thought about waking her up but didn't and went to sleep in the bed with her as well.

The next day while she was at work I wrote to her and said I've put some sheets and pillows on the couch in the spare bedroom(there's no bed there). She just responded "ok". From then on she slept there and not together with me.

Picked up the keys to the apartment I found for her on Sept 27 and agreed she would move out the next day. The new apartment is only 366 square feet so it's tiny compared to the big place she's lived in with me all these years. So September 28 I help her move out and it was all going well. When we finished moving she burst into tears which I've only seen her do maybe 5 times in the 10 years we've been together so I was surprised.

W: I don't want this...but I have to try

That stood out for me. Does she still think she is just trying this out? I remained calmed and said I'm sorry that you're sad about this. But the messed up thing is that I felt guilt for kicking her out suddenly. It was hard to see her sad. I left and came home and felt for the first time sadness instead of anger on a while. All her things gone. It smoked a cigarette which I haven't in a very long time. 30 minutes later I get a text from her.

W: would it be ok if I sleep home, just tonight? There's so many weird sounds here and I don't want to be here alone. Please, just tonight? We can watch a movie or something?

I'm so sorry everyone, I know I shouldn't but I told her it was ok. She can spend the night with me. I couldn't say no.

She took a taxi over and was happier than I've seen her in a long time. We watched a movie and since there was no couch left in the apartment now that it was moved to the new one, I allowed her to stay in the bed. She may have expected us to cuddle, I don't know for sure, but I turned my back and went to sleep.

And that's that. I've filed for divorce which she's not agreeing to so court will force us to do the 6 months waiting period because of that. On Thursday I'm supposed to meet her for the last time to hand her the divorce papers and take a few things that are mine but after that I've told her I want no further contact with her.

It's much harder than I thought to be alone in the apartment. Today until Wednesday it's fine because I have a three shows with another artist which helps keep my mind off things. But it feels so empty to be at home. I'm working out like crazy, down to 9% bodyfat so I look ripped. I've started growing a beard which I've never done before. But I feel all the things I thought I'd grown out of. It feels like I'm dying. I miss her so much. I've asked my brother and his W to come stay with me this upcoming weekend and that will be great. But I dread being alone. I'm usually an introvert and thrive being alone. But now that scares me more than anything else.

Anyway, just wanted to give everyone an update on my sitch.



Me: 38
Stbxw: 35
No kids
Mini bd: February 6, 2019
ONS confirmed Sept 7, 2019
Told her to move out: September 8, 2019
W moved out: September 28, 2019
Divorce filed by me: September 23, 2019
6 month divorce waiting period starts counting on October 3, 2019


Me: 38
Stbxw: 35
No kids
Mini bd: February 6, 2019
ONS confirmed Sept 7, 2019
Told her to move out: September 8, 2019
W moved out: September 28, 2019
Divorce filed by me: September 23, 2019
Joined: Apr 2017
Posts: 2,110
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Thanks for the update B. Be strong there. Learn to know yourself, evade those anxiety triggers.

Trust yourself. Take your time.

DB

(((Ben)))


WW H(me): 52
W: 48
T: 27 M: 22
S: 17
Piecing since 03/2016
Saw the light in the storm
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Hi Ben, I've been thinking about you, wondering how you were doing. Good to hear from you. I have a feeling your W may start to come out of the fog now that the reality of her actions are coming home to roost. Their fantasies of a fantastic new life with one or more OM's rarely come true. She still has a long way to fall though. Despite the pain I think you are doing the right thing, as long as she lived with you she would never learn to miss you and nothing would have changed. I have a friend who posts here sometimes who has been in a similar limbo for over 2 years now and his W is as disconnected from the M as ever. So rest assured you are on the right path.

And let me just say I am VERY impressed you've hit 9% bodyfat, that's incredible! I've been cutting weight for months trying to get down to 10% and it is hard, hard work! I made a run at it a couple of years ago and made it to 12% but man, at that point the weight loss slows to a crawl. I'm doing good to lose a pound a month once I'm in that range. I've cut about 8 pounds so far, 2 more to get to my intermediate goal and then another 4 or 5 to reach my final goal of 10%. I have no desire to cut more than that, it gets very hard to maintain, especially at my age. So congrats, that's really amazing!


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 288
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BenB Offline OP
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Thank you Neffer and AS,

It sure feels like the second part of this journey has started. Maybe what you say will happen but itīs a scary yet slightly exciting feeling not knowing what awaits now. Not that my life was predictable in any way before this happened but this is on another level.

I donīt know where Iīll be even a few months from now. But I have a feeling Iīll be fine.

Thank you AS, Iīve worked very hard with two work outs per day since early February and weighing my food and almost no sugar. I will do my last bodpod fat measuring on October 10 and from then on start building again. My goal was 8% but Iīm happy whatever the next result is. I canīt wait to start eating more food again!

12% is great as well! When I started I was at 30.6% and it took so much intense hard work to get to 14 I remember. Good job!


Me: 38
Stbxw: 35
No kids
Mini bd: February 6, 2019
ONS confirmed Sept 7, 2019
Told her to move out: September 8, 2019
W moved out: September 28, 2019
Divorce filed by me: September 23, 2019
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 8,152
Likes: 1
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Ben, you will be more than fine, you are headed for great things!

WOW you started at 30%??? I am even more impressed now! That is truly astonishing. Excellent work! I hear you, running a caloric deficit for so long AND working your body to the limit every day is unbelievably taxing. When people ask me what kind of workout is needed to get ripped I'm like "oh man you don't really want to hear this but..." LOL! That old saying "abs are made in the kitchen" is 100% accurate! I have some friends at CrossFit who are very strong and fit but don't look it at all because they refuse to give up beer and Mexican food grin They no doubt have a hard, chiseled physique under there but it's hiding under inches of fat. Can't see it until that's stripped away! Anyway let me know what your final reading ends up at, 8% would be incredible, that's getting into bodybuilder contest prep territory!


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
Joined: Feb 2019
Posts: 310
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The missing and the loneliness is the the worst. Give yourself a bit of time and you will adjust and soon will come back fighting fit . If she wants to get a great man back after what she has done for you it better be out of this world. Great idea on having the family over at the weekend . Stay strong my Viking friend , you can do it

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Thanks AS,

Yes, I saw pictures from the day before BD and I remember at the time thinking itīs not so bad but Iīve come so far now. And yes, what really made it for me was cutting out sugar almost completely. When I get cravings, I eat some blueberries and it really helps. Iīve had cheat days but theyīve been maybe once a month and I do intense cardio that morning.

Tryhard, thank you. Itīs so strange how big the apartment feels now. But I also want to practice calming myself down and enduring the pain of being alone. I still find myself feel excitement when the phone does that one buzz which means itīs from the Facebook messenger app, I know itīs most likely from her then so I have a long way to go as well.

Speaking of that, every day she has found a reason to message me about something. Yesterday it was a picture of clothes hangers only to tell me that she packed them in one of the boxes so I can get them on Thursday when I come because itīs a "shame to throw them away". I responded "ok, thanks". Today a few hours ago she messaged again -

W: Oh, I just realized you have all the recipes for stews we make big batches of. Need to take pictures of those. Especially the beef chilli.

Me: Sure, Iīll send some pictures when Iīm back home

4 hours later -

W: what was the name of that lamb dish we always had delivered from the Chinese place?

Me: Sandstorm lamb

W: thank you

5 minutes later -

W: "come back pork" what dish is that?

Me: Thin bacon slices. You wouldnīt like it

W: ah okey, think we had it before. Didnīt like it


Assuming sheīs feeling lonely in that apartment. Iīll allow some interaction until we drop off the final things on Thursday.


Me: 38
Stbxw: 35
No kids
Mini bd: February 6, 2019
ONS confirmed Sept 7, 2019
Told her to move out: September 8, 2019
W moved out: September 28, 2019
Divorce filed by me: September 23, 2019
Joined: Feb 2019
Posts: 310
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I feel you fam . I don’t have the answers for you , I guess it’s still being done n love with someone that doesn’t deserve it . I have deluded myself but every ding on my phone is an emotional disappointment when it isn’t her . I guess the process is to get back to where we need to be to have the attraction and the right balance.

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BenB Offline OP
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Journal -

So yesterday I went over to give her the divorce papers and pick up the last few things. This was supposed to be the last time we see each other but it wasnīt much that happened. I gave her the papers, explained what she needs to do, we hugged and I left.

This evening she messaged me a link to a restaurant, asking if I have heard of it. I responded -

Me: W, Iīm trying to move on with my life and forget the previous. I canīt talk to you anymore. I understand that we have to speak at times to sort the details of our separation but once that is all sorted we canīt speak at all.

She hasnīt responded. Iīm not sure what the right response from me there should be but I meant what I said. I want to forget about her. I canīt have her messaging me unless itīs important.


Me: 38
Stbxw: 35
No kids
Mini bd: February 6, 2019
ONS confirmed Sept 7, 2019
Told her to move out: September 8, 2019
W moved out: September 28, 2019
Divorce filed by me: September 23, 2019
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 8,152
Likes: 1
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Originally Posted by BenB
Iīm not sure what the right response from me there should be


In my opinion? Exactly what you sent her. Technically it's not DB'ing as described in Michele's books, but I'm a firm believe that in many cases like hers "tough love" is the only valid approach. It helps you detach and it helps her learn to miss you. I think you did great.


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
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