CALL 303-444-7004 to get started right away!

 

 


A Divorce Busting® Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.


A Divorce Busting Telephone Coach
can help you save your marriage singlehandedly!
CALL 303-444-7004
or see Coaching Packages online at the Divorce Busting Store

A Message from Michele
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 5 of 11 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 10 11
Re: I Saw It on Mulberry Street [Re: Ginger1] #2868092
10/12/19 02:51 PM
10/12/19 02:51 PM
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 2,758
Canada
A
AndrewP Offline OP
Member
AndrewP  Offline OP
Member
A
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 2,758
Canada
Blargh. Got woken up early by my phone. Checked and some automated alarms at work were firing. Investigated, got the right people moving and went back to bed. Working through the cleanup now which isn't as bad as I feared.

I worry about my job security at times but with all the down-sizing lately there really are only 2 of us - me on the data side and my colleague on the hardware side who actually know where the bodies are buried and how to get things done. I also had a very gratifying meeting with one of our company presidents yesterday going over the 2020 sales budgets and really felt that my input had value.

Operating without a net is still a challenge.

Listening to Ethel Merman and Fred Astaire from a random video online. What a rebel I am wink

Originally Posted by Ginger1
I might be able to answer that for you. Sheís married 3 times and not divorced. Sheís spent a good amount of time married.
Actually it's the opposite. Her marriages appear to have been short followed by a long period of being on her own as a single mom. She does say that her last one was a mistake in that her opinion as it was more about her wanting to be married than finding a right guy and he was in hind-sight a wrong guy with a lot of issues that made it not a stable environment.

I also did some lurking on the social media feeds of people around her. An invasion of privacy perhaps that our modern world affords. I don't think that her final split from this ex was actually nearly as long ago as I'd imagined. I'd thought it was a couple of years ago on a similar timeline to me but I saw a picture her daughter put up of them having a superbowl party in 2018 so it may be under a year for that last split which would in part explain the not divorced thing. I feel bad in some ways in "snooping" but I do like to have a bit of a clue on what is going on.

Wasn't going to bother posting much today but in that place between sleep and awakening two things flashed by me.

One was just one of those odd dreams that I get. S and I were in it, just doing normal every-day things and the image of a page flashed by. Those who know me, know that I believe in the power of stories. It was if my story was being written and I was just a character in someone else's narrative.

The second was thinking about S and the person that she is. I came to realize - and wanted to write it in my story here - that I'm making the usual mistake of looking for and believing in "potential" rather than just looking at the person in front of me. I do in many ways believe that S is a very capable woman. You can't get through all things that she's told me about which I expect is only a small part of her narrative without having an underlying core of strength and capability. But just because I believe that, doesn't mean that she will change in to a person that she's currently not, building a career in mid-life etc. Yes, perhaps when her remaining kids get more independent that may happen - but that's not the S that is here in this particular chapter and the now. And I'm ok with that. It feels good to let go of the searching for "fixing" and "what if" and "possible" and just accepting the now. I'll undoubtedly slip again but for now I know that this is something I need to do both with S and with any other relationship I have at present and in the future.

I'm a slow learner but do learn.

I did hear from S last night after she got to her daughter's place safely and had some visit time. She is really enjoying the grand-baby snuggles with with a 3 month-old which are as I well know very awesome. She sent me a "good night - you're probably in bed" as I was just crawling under the covers - kml - very enjoying that book - and we ended with that we'll chat again the next day.

I was co-incidentally chatting with an online friend last night and expressed some concerns about being taken advantage of as I am the pursued in the current events. She has told me in the past that as a professional, competent woman that she finds that most men who she attracts really bring nothing to the relationship. She was though very positive about what is going on with S and I.

Because I'm an unreformed planner, I did start to give some thought to what I might give S for Christmas if we do still happen to be dating at that time. She does like shiny things although I believe she owns very few of them. The little jewelry I've seen her wear is very basic. Then I thought "time" was a good thing so reached out to a friend of a friend of mine who runs a day spa about perhaps getting S a mani-pedi for her and a bestie for Christmas. Modestly priced and there are specials at the spa in November so no need to actually do anything until closer to the date.

There is a dinner coming up to support a charity that "20 something" has been involved in in the past and that I've supported. It's a Christian youth group. I'm agnostic, but they do good work in supporting local youth, giving them a place to hang out. It's in a couple of weeks about 2 blocks away from S's apartment. S isn't religious at all but it may be a nice night out for us so I'm going to pick up tickets today. If S doesn't want to go I'll still have fun. There's a dinner and a charity auction. "20s"'s bestie is still involved in the charity and is a really nice kid. "20s" pushed me a bit that I need to donate specifically towards her work and was as is usual for her more than a bit pushy. I will probably make sure that my donation supports her friend. I'll check with S next week perhaps when we (probably) will go out to see if she wants to go. I expect the answer to be yes. It will be nice to show up to one of these charity dinners as a couple again and not as a random guy. It would be our first "public" event as well which would certainly pair us in the eyes of the community.

I saw a posting on social media this morning of me from 6 years ago. I would have been 49 and know that I felt "old" then. My wife also I think felt "old" and I recall her thinking of things like the "red hat society". I have no clue how she feels these days but I would expect that she is pretty much only socializing with OM's crowd who are all about 15 years or so older than her. I see so much future in front of me though. Something that was opaque to me even 4 years ago.

Tea pot is empty. I need to go out there and seize the day.


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Re: I Saw It on Mulberry Street [Re: AndrewP] #2868159
10/13/19 07:28 PM
10/13/19 07:28 PM
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 4,065
G
Ginger1 Online
Member
Ginger1  Online
Member
G
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 4,065
First, happy thanksgiving !

Secondly, you make an excellent point in seeing what is right in front of us, right now. Believing what we see and not only potential we think that person can have. I mean, everyone has potential to be who we want them to be. But they simply arenít because they chose not to be. The person they are and are choosing to be is right in front of us and we have to believe what we see.

M could have been An attentive boyfriend who cares about me and my life and everything would have been great ! But he chose not to be. So he wasnít right for me.

S is who she is. Right in front of you, right now. Your decision what you do with that. But you have to take her for face value.

Enjoy your pie!

Re: I Saw It on Mulberry Street [Re: AndrewP] #2868177
10/13/19 11:26 PM
10/13/19 11:26 PM
Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 1,603
Midwest
D
DonH Offline
Member
DonH  Offline
Member
D
Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 1,603
Midwest
Which kind of brings us back to the question that has been asked multiple times now but never answered... What do you want in a GF or partner or whatever label gets put on it? What do you want? What do you like? What turns you on? What turns you off? You really should try to figure this out. Otherwise anyone breathing with a pulse is a candidate. Are there any deal breakers? Any must haves or cant haves? Anything?


DonH
Midwest
Me 56
WAW-EXW 55
Met 11/95 / Married 5/00
Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06
4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
Re: I Saw It on Mulberry Street [Re: AndrewP] #2868185
10/14/19 02:36 AM
10/14/19 02:36 AM
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 2,914
Massachusetts
B
bttrfly Offline
Member
bttrfly  Offline
Member
B
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 2,914
Massachusetts
hello. I've been following along when I have time to pop in. I like what G had to say. I also like what Don had to say. I want to ask a different question though. Have you ever considered just dating as in going out on dates with various women, committing to no one?

I ask because I wonder if that wouldn't be a good idea to do after a long term relationship falls apart and a decent interval of mourning has passed. Anyway, it's something ''I've thought about and I wonder if you've ever considered it.

BTW, happy thanksgiving!!


M 20+ T25+
BD 4/6/15
D Final 12/23/16


ďYour task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.Ē - Rumi
Re: I Saw It on Mulberry Street [Re: AndrewP] #2868203
10/14/19 11:47 AM
10/14/19 11:47 AM
Joined: Mar 2016
Posts: 3,706
D
doodler Offline
Member
doodler  Offline
Member
D
Joined: Mar 2016
Posts: 3,706
Originally Posted by AndrewP
Google "Miss Cindy Catamaran."

Andrew,

That's a really interesting little catamaran. I've never seen a sail configuration like that. If you're sailing downwind, you could call it "angel wings." And there's a possibility of having a spinnaker between the masts.

What I really want is a sailing vessel that hearkens to the days of yore. You know, scurvy dogs, shiver me timbers, and yo-ho-ho and a bottle of rum. That vessel would be a catamaran with large berths, a galley with refrigeration, a head (or two or three) with a shower, electric winches, a water maker, a large bank of lithium ion batteries, solar panels, a generator, auto pilot, state of the art navigation, an air compressor to fill scuba tanks, and a partridge in a pear tree. I like to keep things simple.

I digress. If you were to build a catamaran like Miss Cindy, what would you name the catamaran? Would you possibly name the boat after the Turkish Taco Lady? What would that name be?

Re: I Saw It on Mulberry Street [Re: doodler] #2868233
10/14/19 04:42 PM
10/14/19 04:42 PM
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 2,758
Canada
A
AndrewP Offline OP
Member
AndrewP  Offline OP
Member
A
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 2,758
Canada
Thanks all.

Originally Posted by bttrfly
hello. I've been following along when I have time to pop in. I like what G had to say. I also like what Don had to say. I want to ask a different question though. Have you ever considered just dating as in going out on dates with various women, committing to no one?

I ask because I wonder if that wouldn't be a good idea to do after a long term relationship falls apart and a decent interval of mourning has passed. Anyway, it's something ''I've thought about and I wonder if you've ever considered it.

BTW, happy thanksgiving!!
I have a number of female (and male) friends that I go out to lunch or dinner with from time to time. I was out with one this past week and will probably have dinner with another this coming Friday. They're nice people and good friends. I am very fortunate. I did essentially stay single for about 3 years after my ex. The recovery from B was quicker because I did know in my heart that it was for the best that it did end and she never left me hanging.

I do think that many people who jump from relationship to relationship without examining their own entrails and rediscovering themselves do themselves and their new partner a dis-service. I do believe that B was trying to turn me into a more acceptable version of her H. It can work though I suppose. My ex and OM are as far as I know still a thing and that's been going on for 4 years plus now and involved an overlap in relationships for my ex and I think OM was only widowered (?) for a matter of a month or so before he started chasing her.

With S - the original premise from her was that we would just go out as friends and I would have been fine with that. It was purely her doing that has moved things beyond that but I certainly have had no issues with that. At some point probably in the relatively near future I'm going to have to make a decision on how far I want this relationship to go. I honestly don't know what that decision will be although I expect that Doodler's Discount Shrubbery Emporium is stocking up.

I am learning that S does have a depth that I didn't realize before and I'm attracted to that. She is a feisty red-head which is very different for me. Certainly she is forward and not coy which is something I like. She does have the key requirement for me as well which is a kind heart whether it is kids, puppies or even the spider that she stopped me from accidentally stepping on. I also know from when her daughter and my son were part of a group that would hang out at her place from time to time that she was always welcoming. S25's only complaint was that she cooked gluten free and the food wasn't as tasty as he liked.

There's a meme out there where the behind spouse is told "You'll never find someone like me" and replying "That's the point" laugh

Originally Posted by doodler
Andrew,

That's a really interesting little catamaran. I've never seen a sail configuration like that. If you're sailing downwind, you could call it "angel wings." And there's a possibility of having a spinnaker between the masts.

What I really want is a sailing vessel that hearkens to the days of yore. You know, scurvy dogs, shiver me timbers, and yo-ho-ho and a bottle of rum. That vessel would be a catamaran with large berths, a galley with refrigeration, a head (or two or three) with a shower, electric winches, a water maker, a large bank of lithium ion batteries, solar panels, a generator, auto pilot, state of the art navigation, an air compressor to fill scuba tanks, and a partridge in a pear tree. I like to keep things simple.

I digress. If you were to build a catamaran like Miss Cindy, what would you name the catamaran? Would you possibly name the boat after the Turkish Taco Lady? What would that name be?
The junk rig he put on that cat is quite versatile and reliable. You don't get the same sort of performance you get with a more shaped sail but from what I understand that on a broad reach you get a sort of "slot" effect with the two sails. I've never sailed with one, but I believe that the junk rig is easier to furl and less prone to catastrophic damage so undoubtedly a good choice for off-shore.

Sadly I have my 16' gaff rigged sloop that needs my attention more than building something new. I also have a 1/2 done - for years now - row boat in the basement plus the pieces cut out for a small mouse-boat. Just can't seem to make the time somehow. The two unfinished ones aren't named as that is done at launch but maybe if I duct taped them together I'd have a little cat - or more likely something more like a proa.

Oh - and Taco Cat spelled backwards is Taco Cat.

----------------------------------

So - I did it. In the note attached to this month's spousal payment I asked my ex for help with S25
Originally Posted by AndrewP
I have been worried about [S25] for some time. He wants to be independent but can't seem to do anything about it. It seems to make him angry and depressed a lot.
If you were able to guide him along, I would appreciate it. Nothing I do seems to help. Please don't tell him that I reached out to you. It would upset him.

I tried to frame the note as in I need her to do me a favour and that I am not up to this parenting thing. I think that if I tried to portray it as a collaboration thing or worse yet implied some sort of failure that could have stuck to her then that would certainly backfire.

I feel amazingly uncomfortable doing this. I honestly don't think that she'll do anything useful. She does know a lot of people though who could probably easily give S25 a decent job. Or so I presume. She used to have such friends when we were married. She'll undoubtedly question my motives. No clue if she knows that I've had a couple of dates with S. I don't think she's seen her son in the past month or so. But I did it. For my son. I need to keep encouraging him as well. There's a job fair in a few weeks for companies that support the nuclear plant. Good paying jobs. I've sent him the info and written it on the calendar and he said he read the info.

-----------------

Thanksgiving Sunday was good. Angst child showed up and was present for most of the meal but his humour changed once he had his first fork-full of pie (rhubarb and black currant) and we started talking about the election. Since I mis-timed dinner and we ate early, he left and went out and voted in the advance poll in the next village over which is coincidentally 2 blocks from his mother's apartment. He wasn't gone all that long.

I have the duck bones boiling to make a broth. Thanksgiving dinner turned out pretty good I think. I did get a lot of fat off but the meat was still pretty moist. We also had boiled turnip, mashed potatoes with duck and onion gravy, stuffing with sausage cooked in to it and fresh buns. Other than the fact that it was duck and not turkey, the same thanksgiving dinner my son has had his entire life. Even the particular way I make the dressing is how his mother used to do it. I personally think that my gravy though is superior to what his mother made as I start with a roux and she would just dump flour into the roasting pan with the drippings and make it there cursing as she would try to get the lumps out.

I'd gone for a nice walk in a local nature area earlier in the day and sent S a picture. I almost captioned it that the one thing missing was a pretty girl to share it with but didn't. I did hear from her a couple of times through the day and she seems to be having a good time and was a bit flirty. I expect that she's driving her herd back today. It's a 7 hour drive from Ottawa.

I need to get my butt moving. I have to decide how much of the leftover duck will be sandwiches and how much stew. I have my ironing to do and should probably clean out the inside of the car as my new car is supposed to be ready to be picked up this coming Saturday and I'll want to sell the old one promptly. I'll probably see S on Wednesday and we'd talked about going for a drive on the Sunday so she'll perhaps be my first passenger. That depends on her kid schedule though. It is a nice coincidence that her S12 goes to his dad's every Wednesday.

S25 just wandered past - from his vagueness about his plans I presume he's having a Thanksgiving dinner with his mother. He seems in a decent humour. His mother always waits until the due date to deposit her payment which is tomorrow so she may not read my note until then. I really hope that we can get him out of his funk and his childhood bedroom.

Thanks again for the Happy Thanksgivings. I do have so very very much to be thankful for. I am indeed a fortunate man.


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Re: I Saw It on Mulberry Street [Re: AndrewP] #2868288
10/14/19 10:00 PM
10/14/19 10:00 PM
Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 1,669
D
DnJ Offline
Member
DnJ  Offline
Member
D
Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 1,669
Happy Thanksgiving Andrew

The duck, mashed potatoes, stuffing, gravy, and pie all sound great!!! Not mentioning turnip, not a big fan, no sir, not a fan. LOL.

Iím glad you and S25 enjoyed supper together.

Originally Posted by AndrewP
I tried to frame the note as in I need her to do me a favour and that I am not up to this parenting thing.

Why? Why would you sell yourself short and frame it as youíre not up to parenting? And a favour?

You are definitely a good Dad, and a more than capable parent. Come on buddy, your mind is listening.

You fell into old habits writing that note, it appears too ďeyes cast downĒ to me. Not quite kowtowed, but I canít think of a good word. If she responds, write to her as an equal.

Anyhow, good idea reaching out. Yeah, Iím guessing it felt pretty uncomfortable. The content, Iím not sure about. You know XW and son best, perhaps this will garner the action you seek.

Personally, if she responds, a follow up note should be more decisive. Be specific on what you want help with.

And before this gets out of hand, tell your son. You cannot count on her keeping this a secret. Anything you write, you might as well assume son and daughter will read too, and who knows who else.

Again this is just me, from this side of the screen, and I very well could be wrong. Iíve only got your best interests at heart.

Enjoy our Canadian Thanksgiving. Eh.

DnJ


Oct 8/17 - BD
Me49 W46 S20 S19 S16 D15
M26 T29
w/OM, Left Kids
Dec 9/17 - Legal Separation
Oct 3/18 - W Files
Apr 6/19 - Divorced
Current
Me51 XW48 S22 S21 S18 D17

I may give up, but not today.
Re: I Saw It on Mulberry Street [Re: AndrewP] #2868291
10/14/19 10:23 PM
10/14/19 10:23 PM
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 4,065
G
Ginger1 Online
Member
Ginger1  Online
Member
G
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 4,065
I think you need to come from a place of strength when asking his mom to help. Like DNJ said. Why does it have to seem like you canít handle it. And be more decisive. I think a few of said it before an you donít want to hear it, but you have guided him. Heís kind of beyond guidance with no direction now. He needs tough love, desperately. The soft hand and the eggshells and the free ride to spend his money on what he wants, rather than needs isnít working. He needs to HAVE to, because thatís what a grown man needs. He doesnít have to right now. So he isnít going to do it. What happened to all of us when our spouses left? We did what we had to do. There was no other option, right?

Letís just say your ex comes back and says she thinks he shouldnít have it so easy and should need to pay rent and get a real job in order to live there? Would you agree? Would you tell her he isnít living at her house, so her opinion isnít valued? What if, as his mother she feels he isnít benefitting from the current situation? She may very well agree what the majority of us are saying .

I have noticed it to be a theme with you to be highly conflict avoidant and you want everyone to like you. The thought of friction makes you want to run and hide. And especially with our kids, yeah, we donít want them to not like us. But even though he probably wouldnít like you at first, I imagine when his life turns around because he had no choice to be a man, he will come and thank you.

If you truly want her help in this and your focus is on the benefit of your son, you are going to have to be open to her probably sharing the same opinion the rest of us do.

Re: I Saw It on Mulberry Street [Re: AndrewP] #2868300
10/15/19 12:01 AM
10/15/19 12:01 AM
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 2,758
Canada
A
AndrewP Offline OP
Member
AndrewP  Offline OP
Member
A
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 2,758
Canada
I appreciate the input even if I don't agree with it. If I was dealing with someone who had been an equal partner and with whom I had an ongoing relationship your suggestions may be more on target. The AndrewP that she dealt with was certainly a secondary player in the marriage. She is an entitled and according to second hand accounts a very angry and bitter woman. Not someone who would consider collaborating with someone who she viewed as a possession and useful appliance.

So I'm taking a dive. Knocking myself out so that instead of seeing this as a fight with me that she puts our son first. If for no other reason than to demonstrate how she is the more perfect parent.


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Re: I Saw It on Mulberry Street [Re: AndrewP] #2868304
10/15/19 12:38 AM
10/15/19 12:38 AM
Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 1,669
D
DnJ Offline
Member
DnJ  Offline
Member
D
Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 1,669
Hello Andrew

No worries. I see and understand what your doing. Thanks for explaining.

DnJ


Oct 8/17 - BD
Me49 W46 S20 S19 S16 D15
M26 T29
w/OM, Left Kids
Dec 9/17 - Legal Separation
Oct 3/18 - W Files
Apr 6/19 - Divorced
Current
Me51 XW48 S22 S21 S18 D17

I may give up, but not today.
Page 5 of 11 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 10 11

Moderated by  Cadet, job, Virginia 

Save Your Marriage! Schedule Online

Schedule a phone consultation with a Divorce Busting® Coach! Call: 800-664-2435 or 303-444-7004