My story

[SteveLW]

Basically she needs to see that I am the best option for her once the fog lifts. Part of me thinks I’m crazy to be fighting for her like this. I do want to save my marriage.

As someone that has been through it (though my W wasn't in a PA, she was in a long distance EA complete with nude photo exchanges), as your own post-BD fog lifts, you may decide you don't want to be married to a cheater. After all, she will always be a cheater, even if she never cheats again. You will never be able to look back and say "she never betrayed me, and never stepped out on me". For some, once the fear of being D'd lifts, that is something they can't handle and deal with. So take your time, think clearly about this, and try to get through the initial pain, anguish and sense of loss, before making a final decision. Yes we are all pro-marriage here, but having come through the to the other side I've been able to look back and question if I should have stayed in this MR. That day likely will come for you too.

[MJ1980]

My wife has been ignoring the kids. She hasn’t been a good parent since this began. I’m basically super dad right now. Birthday parties, meals, putting them to sleep, reading to them. Ive been careful to not talk about this in front of them. It has happened a bit though. I even told my wife we need to continue this later and not with the kids around.

I’m aware of the finances. She isn’t overly spending at this time. If needed I have another checking account she doesn’t know about ready to go. I haven’t used it yet but it’s there in case of emergency. She wanted a quick easy shared lawyer divorce. I have retained my own lawyer and she is very good. My wife found hers online. Or at least that is what she said. Mine was recommended by a friend who is a lawyer who has been practicing for nearly 40 years.

I’m aware it’s a long journey before me. I know have to be strong and not give up. I’m in a much better place now then I was the last few weeks. I’ve accepted the situation and I’ve mourned. I’m still very sad however I’m moving forward with life. I have to for my kids.

[MJ1980]

The other thought I would like some advice. I basically let her have it when she went and put a retainer on the credit card for a lawyer without telling me. We had some debt from some stuff with her own business. Anyway I’m about to do the same. After reading sandi’s thread. I got the impression I should just go ahead and do it and let her discover it on her own as opposed to doing it and telling I did it.

She is very much in fantasy land right now. So I’m hoping this will be the first of few wake up calls for her. I need to see legally what I’m allowed to do but I’m able i easily move my paycheck into my own account. She still does most of the grocery shopping at this point. But she likes to buy stuff and all the auto deduction is to our joint account. So I need to figure out what to do there. The other wake is I’m not going to refinance our house out of the renovation loan. I’m goi g to go forward. I can afford to keep the house if I choose. She needs to see I’m preparing for life to move on.

[Wanted1]

Basically she needs to see that I am the best option for her once the fog lifts. Part of me thinks I’m crazy to be fighting for her like this. I do want to save my marriage.

As someone that has been through it (though my W wasn't in a PA, she was in a long distance EA complete with nude photo exchanges), as your own post-BD fog lifts, you may decide you don't want to be married to a cheater. After all, she will always be a cheater, even if she never cheats again. You will never be able to look back and say "she never betrayed me, and never stepped out on me". For some, once the fear of being D'd lifts, that is something they can't handle and deal with. So take your time, think clearly about this, and try to get through the initial pain, anguish and sense of loss, before making a final decision. Yes we are all pro-marriage here, but having come through the to the other side I've been able to look back and question if I should have stayed in this MR. That day likely will come for you too.

^^^^ THIS. I came here just about exactly a year ago after I discovered the 3rd A my EXW had. I was a huge mess and was wanting and willing to do anything and everything to work things out and move forward. I remember Steve among others suggested to me that maybe after 3 times I shouldn't be so quick to want to work things out. At the time, in the back of my mind, I was thinking "how can they say that. I'm here to try to save my M?" Well, I can't tell you how happy I am that it didn't work out the way I initially wanted it to. Maybe you aren't a country music fan, but Garth Brooks' 'Unanswered Prayers' is one I constantly think about.

I'm not saying you should just throw in the towel after 1 A, but I am a true believe that when it happens once, the temptation and the urge for them to do it again will be there. I also wonder if it's easier them, too. It isn't uncharted waters for them anymore.

I live in a small town, so the previous transgressions of my EXW were public knowledge to about everyone in the community. The stress of being out in public and knowing they know was excruciating to say the least. Now, I have none of that. That massive weight has been lifted and it's so refreshing I can't articulate it. I also don't have to look at my W now and have those thoughts and feelings of the betrayal, lies and deceit when I do so. I would like to think I could have forgiven her, as I had the previous 2 times, but even when you forgive, you never forget. I am free of it all now.

Long story short, trust everyone that's been through it on here. The vets always provide you with amazing insight, knowledge and advice. I never thought I would get to this point. In the beginning, I didn't think there was any way I could. But, it happens and it will get so much better no matter the outcome. Trust that and believe that. Hang in there!

[MJ1980]

So she is still being surprisingly nice. I was much more short answered with her. Basically doing what I need to do. I had a repair I needed to do to the house so I came home and knocked that out. She was very quick to check up on me today as I was late coming home. I had a small car issue. The reason why she was checking up to s she is bit jealous of a comworker or mine who I evidently mentioned more then once. One time a group of us from work went out after work and this comworker was there. I’m guess I mentioned her once in the past. I don’t even remember. Well my wife is incredibly jealous of the thought that another woman may actually talk to me. Yet she has an on going relationship she is hiding poorly I might at. It’s ridiculous.

Also while I was working in the garage next to out kitchen I over heard her talking to him. She told him once she had to go to pay the babysitter. He must not f tried to keep her on the phone because in full on my mom voice she said I have to go pay the babysitter I’ll talk to you later. She has never talked to me like that. Like I was a little kid. I wouldn’t tolerate that. Granted she is treating me like garbage like now she has never talked down to me.

I’ve already put things in motion to move forward and with the renovation plans she opted out of the family at this time and since she can’t afford the house and I can I plan to move forward. I also have my retainer in place for my lawyer. So we shall we if she holds true on serving papers or not. I’ve also been doing limited contact with her only talking about kids and finances.

[rooskers]

She has never talked to me like that. Like I was a little kid. I wouldn’t tolerate that. Granted she is treating me like garbage like now she has never talked down to me.

This is a little 2x4 that I wish someone would have shown me during my wife's first affair so take it for what it is.

Are you really trying to say that as she is talking to her bf while married to you that she is somehow disrespecting him in a way you wouldn't tolerate? My goodness man the disrespect she is showing you is millions of times worse than her talking down to OM. She doesn't need to talk down to you because in her eyes you aren't even worth talking down to. It took me a long time to realize how much disrespect I allowed her to show me. I hope you truly realize that she is treating you far worse than garbage and you deserve so much more.

[NewLife3]

My wife BD'ed me (Aug 21) about a week before I found out about the affair. Before I discovered DB'ing, I did the whole GPS tracking thing, phone records thing and caught her meeting him at his work, and then at a hotel. She claims they are just friends and it's just a total coincidence, has nothing to do with her wanting a divorce. She claims they have done no more than hug. She claims she just laid in the hotel room bed and did nothing. More so got pissed at me that I tracked her.

She kept asking me to move out because she couldn't trust me that I wouldn't track her again, but I told her she needed to move out. She moved to her parents about 2 weeks ago and I've been detaching, GAL'ing, following all of sandi's rules ever since. Should be signing divorce papers sometime in the next few days (that she had prepared and I have reviewed). I'm still hanging onto hope that she will wake up and come around because I have quit smoking weed everyday, quit drinking, gone to counseling every week, taken responsibility for all of the marital issues, have so much more of a positive outlook on life and have 180'ed in so many positive ways. But unfortunately the only time I see her now is Sundays at 1 PM when we exchange our son.

Everyone I talk to tells me to just let go and move on because "she's gone" but I still find myself hanging onto hope. But then again some of the things she said to me after telling me she wanted a divorce still give me nightmares. "I want another baby, but not with you."

[MJ1980]

I’m saying she has never talked to me like that. It surprised me that early on she sounded frustrated. I know she is disrespecting me on a grand level. But I can’t even get her to admit to me she is having a affair. She just lies and says she isn’t with anyone. I know it’s a complete lie and that she is trying to save face. All she is doing is more damage to our relationship with it.

I frankly have no idea on where to go with that. I feel like I’m a fool sometimes for all the love and support I’ve given her over the years. My hope is some of my actions now will help put a end to the doormat. At the moment I’m stuck because I have to stay in the home and she won’t admit anything. My lawyer was very specific about what I have to do to make sure we are in the best place when it comes to court.

[MJ1980]

So I read through the detachment thread and a bunch of Sandi’s posts. Tomorrow I start detachment. The not responding to texts will be easier for me. It’s once I’m home that will be tough. My wife still comes up to me and wants to have conversations like things are normal. I have to figure out how to address that. We have 2 kids so I know kid talk is a must. But like for example tonight she asked how bed time went since she wasn’t home. It didn’t go well and I told her about it. She kind of drew the conversation out and was comparing it to last night.

I guess i could use pointers on how to go about doing detachment. One of my wife’s complaints about me was that I neglected her to much. Basically put work and hobbies before especially early in our marriage. So I want to go about this the right way so it is effective. Also she is deep in the A fog right now and is all over the place. While I’m feeling better and not in constant pain anymore. I need to detach for me. I need to be healthy and get my respect and dignity back. So any pointers you guys have I would appreciate!

[Wanted1]

MJ, is she still sleeping in your bedroom?