Ok well here is my story. I haven’t read the DB book yet. I ordered it and it will be here this week. Read a few others though. My wife and I are married 12 years been together for 14. We have 2 kids 4.5 and 1.5. Our marriage overall has been good but like any marriage we have had our fair share of ups and downs. My wife had a very rough childhood and relationship with her dad. She got a bunch of counseling and was in a good place for the beginning of our marriage. The first few years where good. Then the economy crashed my wife lost her job and went into a full on tailspin nervous break down. She went down a destructive path. Drinking a bunch and going out with friends a ton eventually leading to a affair. We went to counseling all though it wasn’t a very good experience. It was either me and counselor ganging up on her or the counselor and her ganging up on me. We ended up working through and staying together and things improved. She went through extensive counseling to get back to a good place. This was 2013. We worked it out so she could follow her dreams of her own business and made it happen. There definitely were some struggles after the affair. After the affair our sex drives didn’t exactly jive. It took me a while to get back to that place with her. But we ended up having 2 kids. Things had been good. Not like awesome but not bad. We had good communication with each other or so I thought. More on that in a bit. We were having regular sex, we were living life with small kids.
I had a very physically demanding job up until last year that I hated. So it was hard for me to have much energy when I got home. As a result I didn’t follow through on things I said I would do around the house and didn’t follow through on promises I made. I didn’t prioritize the marriage and my wife as I should of. I’m guilty of putting hobbies before my marriage. Granted I got better with this once the kids were born. None the less I was good at procrastinating on stuff.
This last year we had been doing good. Planning for the future planing a remodel on our house. We even took a vacation the two of us without the kids that was really nice. Over this last year after I switched jobs I really started to take a good look at myself. I didn’t love what I saw. So I started reading some self help books and working on making myself a better person. I started with changing my outlook on life which was kind of negative to positive way of thinking. Started working out regularly. I was always in pretty decent shape. I started to help around the house more. Just keeping the kitchen clean and handling the dishwasher, picking up the kids toys and front room. I also started persuing my wife more. She even asked me about the change. I told her I wanted things to be better and I wanted our marriage to be better. My mistake is we had the conversation over text and I never picked it back up again in person. We had been checking in regularly with each other and just a few weeks prior she said everything was good and that there was nothing to worry about. One of the issues with my job is that sometime is have to work some 80 hour week shifts. While I was working one in July one of my neighbors started persuing my wife and she has since started and been in a relationship with him. Guy is a complete loser. DUI, no license, criminal record, in his 30’s lives with parents. Complete dirt bag. Well my wife has depression, anxiety, self esteem and dad issues especially over her weight after having kids. She is still very pretty just heavier then she was before. I still thought she was beautiful regardless of not loosing the baby weight. She struggled with her body image so when some one gave her a compliment that was the start. So in August I caught her red handed sneaking into the house after being with him. We were regularly having sex at the same time. Infact we had the night before. She admitted everything. Then she said she wasn’t happy and that she loved me but wasn’t in love with me. She followed this a few days later that she wanted a divorce. I told her that I was angry with her over the affair but that I wanted to work on relationship and see if it was salvageable. She said she just wanted out and didn’t want to work on anything. She claims the relationship is over with the other guy but I know it isn’t. All the signs are there hiding the cell phone, lying all the typical stuff. She still won’t admit she is having a hidden a relationship with this guy even though I know she is. She claims there isn’t a relationship At all and that she is seeing no one. The phone rang when I was near it and I wasn’t trying to see it but it was clearly him as a picture of them came up. She also thought she was being clever by using a girls name for him. I told her that I will not be disrespected and that if she continues to carry on she will loose her place in this household. She threatened to take the kids and leave and I told her she can leave no one is stopping her but the kids will stay In their safe home. She then broke down into tears and said please don’t take my kids I have no where to go. So her new thing is she will pretend the relationship doesn’t exist. Thing is in my state I’m kind of stuck and can’t technically throw her out. My lawyer said do not leave at any cost because it will make things bad. So I have to stay and she is still here. It’s been over a month since she said she wanted a divorce. She paid a retainer on a lawyer and tried to convince me to use hers. Not happening. I’ve gotten my own. More so to protect my interests and children. She said she had filed but I have yet to receive paperwork. She had been adamant she wanted out. Periodically she would ask for hug or something since this happened. But that was it. I stayed calm I didn’t beg, plead or cry. I did try to have a rational conversation with her about things. That didn’t go well since there is very little rational thought going on right now. She acts like she is addicted. She has justified and rationalized her ridiculous reasons to no end. Even a few of her friends think she is nuts for wanting to divorce me. I’m not perfect but I’ve always been good to her. Supported her dreams, loving, never raised my voice at her, was faithful, never was abusive. She had started saying things like well our older daughter will go to counseling and be fine. Us splitting up will devastate her. My wife has repeatedly told her mom and dad love each other so much and will always be together to her. Stuff to that nature. She says things like our younger daughter won’t even remember us together. Completely turned her back on her faith which was always strong. Cut out all of our church friends. They are pro marriage and she doesn’t want to hear that. She also has been spending less time with the kids. I feel like a single parent. If you knew her before this other relationship started you wouldn’t even recognize this person. She also makes very little money on her own and says things like once we divorce I’ll have to live in a bad neighborhood. Things to that nature. She isn’t wrong about lack of money in the state we live in a computer dictates how much maintenance would be paid and my lawyer ran the numbers and it’s a few hundred dollars. We had some heated conversations about our relationship because I want to work on things and she refuses. She was always quick to apologize after for hurtful things she has said. One as recent as Friday. I was ready to start doing limited no contact with her starting Monday. We had a busy weekend with the kids and it was going to be tough to do so. Well starting yesterday her behavior took a 180. She has been texting me more, hugging me more, and saying via text she has been thinking about me. I’ve been very consistent and I haven’t really overly responded. She told me she was sobbing about us and our family on Friday. I told her it [censored] and it’s hard but I want to work on it and if she wants to talk I’m here. Left simply at that. She hasn’t talked about the R yet but she has been acting differently towards me. She still seems to be talking to the other guy. I don’t know if the affair fog is starting to lift or what is going on with her. Needless to say it’s been weird the last 2 days.
Things I’ve done to this point. I’ve been following through on what I said I would do. I’ve been asking her on regular basis if there is anything I can do to make her day better I’ve worked on myself a bunch. Self help books on relationships, love, intimacy, changing outlook on myself. Living in the now. Exercising(I’ve dropped 20lbs) Spending more time with the kids. I’ve been working on the crap I brought to the relationship. I’ve been talking to a counselor. Basically I’m checking all the boxes but the intimacy ones since she won’t let me touch her beyond a hug.
Her complaints about our marriage I didn’t follow through on promises Didn’t keep my word. Didn’t have enough sex. She doesn’t think I can change permanently
Even after the hell she has put me through I want to save this marriage. There is a lot of good about us. The good really does out weigh the bad. Threatening to divorce her at this point is useless because she has convinced herself that is what she wants. I know my place in all of this. I was part of the unhappiness however she is the one who chose to cheat and she can’t put that on me. It’s frustrating when the one you love can’t take the time to see all the good she has right in front of her.
M:39 W:36 D: 4 D: 2 BD:8/22/2019 Currently dealing with a WW
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
You're probably right that she's still talking to OM and probably still having an affair. She's trying to pull you back in as Plan B, don't buy into it. She has no intent of working on the M right now. Maybe months down the road she will, but for now she's lost in the fantasy fog of a wayward wife. Don't do anything pursuit-wise. You're kind of sending her mixed signals by being firm with her in some ways but then soft in others (for example- asking her what you can do to make her day better). Don't try to appease her. Read all the links Cadet posted, read the book, and read other threads here. It's a lot of info to absorb but you'll find it very helpful. Good luck and keep posting!
You're probably right that she's still talking to OM and probably still having an affair. She's trying to pull you back in as Plan B, don't buy into it. She has no intent of working on the M right now. Maybe months down the road she will, but for now she's lost in the fantasy fog of a wayward wife. Don't do anything pursuit-wise. You're kind of sending her mixed signals by being firm with her in some ways but then soft in others (for example- asking her what you can do to make her day better). Don't try to appease her. Read all the links Cadet posted, read the book, and read other threads here. It's a lot of info to absorb but you'll find it very helpful. Good luck and keep posting!
THIS^^^^ I scrolled down to post this, but AS beat me to it. Even through affair fog, cheating spouses know what they have to lose. They will try to have their cake and eat it too. You need to be firm that as long as she is engaging with him, then D is the only path forward. If she is willing to end the affair, and agree to full transparency, then maybe the MR can be worked on.
MJ, also wanted to say that you did nothing wrong. Nothing justifies cheating. The list you gave
Her complaints about our marriage I didn’t follow through on promises Didn’t keep my word. Didn’t have enough sex. She doesn’t think I can change permanently
is ludicrous. They will try to find any excuse to justifiy their actions. Don't fall for it. No one is perfect.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Well currently she wants to get divorced or so she says. She claims she has filed. She knows I don’t want to. So I’m stuck in the middle of her refusal to end it. I’ve ordered the books and I’ll read through the threads above. It is like trying to talk to a crazy person. Her rational is so bad that it makes your head spin. My counselor thinks I should talk to her about the sudden behavior change. Not sure what to do about that. I wish there was a way to get her to end it. But she has to do it on her own.
M:39 W:36 D: 4 D: 2 BD:8/22/2019 Currently dealing with a WW
Her complaints about our marriage I didn’t follow through on promises Didn’t keep my word. Didn’t have enough sex. She doesn’t think I can change permanently
is ludicrous. They will try to find any excuse to justifiy their actions.
It really is absurd. This is the best she could come up with? Believe us, she's just trying to justify her behavior. The list could just have easily been "I hate how you always keep your promises, you're never spontaneous. And you want way too much sex, and I'm sick and tired of how you change all the time, I need stability in my life." Once a woman decides to go wayward then she will make the smallest things into seemingly insurmountable obstacles, anything to make you think it's ALL YOUR FAULT. Right now you are in a fog that's causing you to believe all her crapola. Eventually it will clear and you'll realize she was lucky to have you.
Originally Posted by MJ1980
Well currently she wants to get divorced or so she says. She claims she has filed. She knows I don’t want to. So I’m stuck in the middle of her refusal to end it.
It's very typical for a WAS to say they want D, but if the LBS can effectively remove pressure they will often just let it sit on the back burner indefinitely. Sometimes they will go ahead and pursuit it, usually because OM is waiting in the wings and they want to pursue their fantasy life (which almost never meets their dreamy expectations). But most of the time they'll just do nothing.
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It is like trying to talk to a crazy person. Her rational is so bad that it makes your head spin. My counselor thinks I should talk to her about the sudden behavior change. Not sure what to do about that.
She's not the person you knew. I know it's hard to understand her sudden change, everything she does seems out of character and you are no doubt hoping she'll snap out of it and return to normal. It doesn't happen that way. You've got a long road ahead as does she. You've got to leave her alone, remove all pressure, get out and GAL and let her take whatever journey she's going to take.
Regarding talking to her about it, it will do absolutely no good. Your counselor may not have experience with waywards but a wayward's mindset is that she is right and anyone that tells her otherwise is going to hear about it.
Originally Posted by neffer
Affair fog is a powerful force. It develops a fantasy life environment. You can´t reach that place by reasoning.
MJ, my W was dead set on Ding. She had her little plan: She was going to get a job, get an apartment and get a D. Of course she wanted the path of least resistance. She wanted to do a quickie, online D. We have a kid so that was completely out of the questions. One of the biggest wake-up calls she got was when I contacted a lawyer. She realized that it wasn't going to be a greased slide she could just ride down.
AS is dead on (listen to him, he is very very wise). Remove all pressure. No pursuit. DO NOT TALK TO HER ABOUT HOW SHE HAS CHANGED. That is fool's gold. If your counselor continues to push that I would serious consider finding another one. People settle for inferior counselors all the time. You don't have to. Shop around until you get a good one. Let them know you want to DB. A good one will research DBing.
Remember, marathon....not a sprint.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Well at this point since she has a retainer for a lawyer I need to do the same. I know we will not be in agreement on anything so I’ll have time on that one.
I do believe that she is starting to be torn about things so she is being nice to keep me around for a back up option. For her it’s been 2 months of affair time. For me it’s been a month since I caught her. Last Thursday I finally cleared and I’m not in that constant pain. As a result I’m thinking pretty clear now. The messed up thing is I’m already the better choice. I have a job, a license, I can support a home, no record. But even so I’ve been bettering myself to the point that I’m the better option. I’ve been addressing her complaints to make sure those are gone as well to. Basically she needs to see that I am the best option for her once the fog lifts. Part of me thinks I’m crazy to be fighting for her like this. I do want to save my marriage.
She refuses to even admit the other relationship is still going on. She tries to say it has ended which it hasn’t. She gets p!ssed when I called her out on it. She was truthful about the timeline when it started. But her thought process is she will continue to deny it’s going on. All the signs are there. She is protective of her phone, she is always texting someone, she takes calls in the other room. I could hear it was a male voice. I’m not stupid. But I don’t have much proof beyond the cell phone bill. I don’t need her to tell me it’s going on to know it's going on. I need her to come around to end it if she wants to save our family.
She has struggled the last few days. She was sobbing about the state our family is in. All I could think about was it’s your doing and you can stop this anytime you want. She is to addicted right now.
The two things that resonate with her is loosing her kids and she is super jealous about me being so it’s anyone else. I have always been faithful. I have had my chances to cheat but that goes against everything I believe. Both those get a reaction out of her. It’s a crazy double standard that she can be with someone else but I can’t be. Not that I want to. She said too that if I ever cheated on her it would be over.
Last edited by job; 10/05/1905:31 PM. Reason: edited language
M:39 W:36 D: 4 D: 2 BD:8/22/2019 Currently dealing with a WW
MJ please make sure your children are taken care of during this whole process. Some WW/WAS can continue to be a parent while in the "Fog" and others completely ignore them for the OM and their own self centered ways. Be a rock for your children and expect to have to take on additional responsibility for them.
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You've got a long road ahead as does she.
Read this and accept it. If she was the one who took care of finances make sure it becomes you. Do not try to cheat or hide things but make sure you know about all credit card debt, money being spent, and any investments you may have. My XW went through $25,000 in about a month after first affair and went through the same after her second affair. She also racked up a huge debt on her credit cards. The second time around I immediately went to a lawyer and had all financial stuff taken care of so I wasn't responsible. I am not saying you have to get a divorce but this is a long process and you need to protect yourself and your children.
1st BD December 26, 2008 PA admitted to by XW December 29, 2008
2nd BD May 23, 2019 Daughter confirms EA Divorce Finalized July 18, 2019
