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Re: A parallel universe [Re: DS9] #2865944
09/20/19 06:55 PM
09/20/19 06:55 PM
Joined: Aug 2019
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rooskers Offline
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DS9 I have no advice and not much to say but thanks for reading my sitch and responding. It sounds like you are doing great and learning so much. I will continue to follow yours and offer help if I can.


1st BD December 26, 2008
PA admitted to by XW December 29, 2008

2nd BD May 23, 2019
Daughter confirms EA
Divorce Finalized July 18, 2019
Re: A parallel universe [Re: DS9] #2866228
09/23/19 11:28 PM
09/23/19 11:28 PM
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Posts: 264
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DS9 Offline OP
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Hi all,

Hope everyone had a great weekend. I had probably the most fun one, sans son, since BD. There were moments of ego boost, coupled with moments of reflection.

My nephew visited me, who I hadn't seen in years. He's mid 20's, and a fine young man. We share many interests. He was meeting up with a female platonic friend from school afterwards, but invited me as well. I thought I'd go along as the third wheel, as that's better than staying home, or heading out alone.

Went to a bar and a nightclub, neither of which I'd been to since XW met me all those years ago. I was pretty much the oldest guy there, but I'm told I look a lot younger apparently and am young at heart (great ego shot). Had a blast - drank more than I had in some time (many cocktail jugs were had), and had good food, plus great company. Turns out his female friend is very keen on me, but she is young enough to be my daughter, so I didn't even go there . A very articulate and mature young lady, and I enjoyed the conversation not only for that, but also to see just how different other women are to my XW.

Turns out my photos circulated with my nephew's other female friends and colleagues, and there's a 'line up' apparently, the first of which is a lady in her early thirties, 10 years younger than me. I'm not going to live like a monk anymore.

I'm sure some of you relate to this - after BD, my modest self confidence and ego took a hit - an absolute king hit pumelling actually. Here I was, with an XW 7 years older than me, rejecting me, then going about beautifying herself to make herself look younger. I was at zero - negative 10 actually.

This weekend has boosted me and revitalised my sense of self-confidence, and I felt like I was radiating positive energy when I was out and about enjoying myself. But, it has also made me realise that I rely too heavily on outside validation to give me a sense of happiness and purpose. I had sensed that about myself, but now it has become clear. Is it something I can 'unlearn'? Images of XW proclaiming often during the M 'only you can make you happy' without further explaining, echoed in my mind until I crushed them to the side. I think I'll discuss with my IC.

Originally Posted by rooskers
DS9 I have no advice and not much to say but thanks for reading my sitch and responding. It sounds like you are doing great and learning so much. I will continue to follow yours and offer help if I can.


Thanks Roo!

Last edited by DS9; 09/23/19 11:28 PM.

Me: early 40's
XW: nearly 50
T: 15
M: 5
BD: Jan 19
S:10 SS: 22 SD: 24
Re: A parallel universe [Re: DS9] #2866667
09/28/19 11:11 AM
09/28/19 11:11 AM
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DS9 Offline OP
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Hi all,

I hope everyone has survived another week, or better yet, thrived.

Mineís been relatively uneventful.

Fishing, walking, weights, shopping and playing with my new smart watch has been the extent of my gal. Have my son now and have been helping sd with getting a new car.

XW sent me a photo of my son by sms the other day. I didnít bother replying.

Saw her yesterday at change over. Waited on porch but invited in. Declined initially but relented as I didnít want to give a rude vibe. She wanted to show me renos again so I peaked in then muttered something light hearted when she told me about room arrangements, then again tells me about which friend and what night sheís having dinner with. She knows Iím keen to leave as she now prompts s to hurry up.

I donít tell her anything about what Iím doing. I left my money in the joint account which she can still see online and uses to pay the cc, and that tells the tale of where Iíve been and what Iíve been buying. Iím enjoying being generous with my money and spending on things Iíve always wanted. A few months ago I asked if she needed money when she was complaining about reno costs. So much for being the Ďmoney hungry c$&tí she called me soon after bd.

SD rather intently asks me about gal and where Iíve been etc (who you going with why you going?). Iím vague in keeping with bd and I know itíll get telegraphed straight to XW.

Saw XW today parked near me at the shops. She was on the phone next to 2 older men and seemed intent. Was tempted to ignore but thought there may have been a dispute. Got in my car, drove past and beeped and asked if all was ok. Old me would have rushed over to check. She rushed over to my car and grabbed my arm telling me she was on phone to emergency services as one man had assaulted the other, but everything was ok. I said fine and took off. Old me, as her protector, would have parked up got out and stood next to her to make sure she was ok and guided her away from these dudes. As it was I didnít even sms her afterwards to check up. She fired me remember. Plus I had ice cream and frozen berries in the boot lol!

Good luck everyone and god bless, D


Me: early 40's
XW: nearly 50
T: 15
M: 5
BD: Jan 19
S:10 SS: 22 SD: 24
Re: A parallel universe [Re: DS9] #2866692
09/28/19 05:32 PM
09/28/19 05:32 PM
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rooskers Offline
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Quote
tells me about which friend and what night sheís having dinner with


Quote
she comes out and initiates conversation 'oh, I thought you were X (her girlfriend) - I'm going out for dinner with her. I went for dinner with Y yesterday, and I'm going for dinner tomorrow night with Z'


I find it interesting that for some reason they always find some way to try to keep us in their lives but at the same time want nothing to do with us. My XW keeps me updated regularly on her surgery coming up in couple months and what she is doing at work. I never respond anymore which has helped tremendously in detaching. I am guessing they try to keep us a little informed of their lives to keep us as possible plan B's in the future.

Keep up the amazing work DS9. You are DB'ing so well do you ever feel like maybe you want to move on and not ever want her back?


1st BD December 26, 2008
PA admitted to by XW December 29, 2008

2nd BD May 23, 2019
Daughter confirms EA
Divorce Finalized July 18, 2019
Re: A parallel universe [Re: rooskers] #2866734
09/29/19 10:01 AM
09/29/19 10:01 AM
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 350
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DaB35 Online
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You seem to be doing really well DS. I'm following a lot of what you do (BTW thanks for all your comments on my threads over these last few months) and it definitely helps.

You are doing lots of GAL activities and the way you act with your XW is just right I think.

Originally Posted by rooskers
I find it interesting that for some reason they always find some way to try to keep us in their lives but at the same time want nothing to do with us.......I am guessing they try to keep us a little informed of their lives to keep us as possible plan B's in the future.


This made me think quite a bit this morning. I'm finding myself in the same situation frequently with my W. D is in progress but she is always telling me how she has no time to do things and is busy etc. Very interesting.


Me - 36
W - 32
No kids
T - 8 yr (met 30 October 2010)
M - 3 yr (3 August 2016)
Discovery - 14 May 2019
Sep - 25 May 2019
D bomb - 29 July 2019
Online Papers sent off 18 August 2019
Re: A parallel universe [Re: DS9] #2866735
09/29/19 10:24 AM
09/29/19 10:24 AM
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DS9 Offline OP
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Hey roo

Yeah XW said sheíd always be in my life. When that comes up again, or if she raises us still being friends, Iíve decided Iíll tell her Ďno, Iíve changed and my needs have changed. Youíll make a great friend, but not for me. Weíre not friendship compatible. weíll always be amicable co parents thoughí. If you check my first post , youíll see Iím mirroring what she said to me at bd. Iíll out g the g. Ice cold cordiality.

Good work in not responding. It gets easier buddy. It could be plan b, but my ic thinks it more about them finding out and discerning what the new communication and relationship dynamic will be like.

No mate I donít think Iíd have her back. Sheís old and not getting younger. Iím superficial that way. Sheíll never get counselling and that is needed. Sheís also on online dating which is a deal breaker for me. My nephew reminded me too of our centuries old family lineage and the code of honor we have, and what that means in terms of being treated with honour as well- I forgot I need to receive too. Thatís not to say I donít have feelings for her, and I know Iím still emotionally attached. Iíd now much prefer the 3 significantly younger women who are after me. XW smashed me relentlessly and I took it all and smiled and kept being generous and loyal. She knew my nature and my unconditional love for her. She chose to end things in a way which she knew would destroy me- she came very close to doing that. What Iíve written here on this forum is a fraction of what I endured. I was a good man with a good heart but I didnít know enough and I had my faults . Thatís how I feel right now.

Thanks for the kind words mate. Iím still finding my feet with dbing. Cheers D


Me: early 40's
XW: nearly 50
T: 15
M: 5
BD: Jan 19
S:10 SS: 22 SD: 24
Re: A parallel universe [Re: DS9] #2866736
09/29/19 10:25 AM
09/29/19 10:25 AM
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DS9 Offline OP
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Thanks Dan Iím glad to help


Me: early 40's
XW: nearly 50
T: 15
M: 5
BD: Jan 19
S:10 SS: 22 SD: 24
Re: A parallel universe [Re: DS9] #2866761
09/29/19 06:42 PM
09/29/19 06:42 PM
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rooskers Offline
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Quote
Weíre not friendship compatible. weíll always be amicable co parents thoughí.


I agree with the first part of this statement for me. XW said at BD, "I think we are just two completely different people." I completely didn't understand how she could say that because we like similar music, outdoor activities, foods, and so much more. Now I understand that it isn't the outside but the inside that is different and so if she ever brought up friendship I would have to tell her "No, I think we are just two completely different people".

Unfortunately I don't think my XW is a good parent,but D13 and her relationship is between them. I don't discourage it and don't badmouth EW to D13. I can't give D13 advice on how to have a relationship with XW because I failed at that miserably, so D13 has a licensed therapist to help her navigate the relationship. I feel my role is to support D13 in her choices and make sure she is safe and taken care of. I have D13 about 305 out of 365 days of the year. This was EW decision when she told D13 she was leaving and when she called and discussed the divorce papers with me.

DS9 It seems like you are coming to a really good place in your mind and heart. I hope the ups and downs stabilize for the both of us. Keep updating because you give me hope.


1st BD December 26, 2008
PA admitted to by XW December 29, 2008

2nd BD May 23, 2019
Daughter confirms EA
Divorce Finalized July 18, 2019
Re: A parallel universe [Re: DS9] #2866923
10/01/19 06:15 AM
10/01/19 06:15 AM
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DS9 Offline OP
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Hi all,

Very minor baby steps yesterday...

My XW looks after my son during the day when he's on holidays and I work. I get a sms from her just before leaving - lots of pleases and thank you's asking for me to pick up Maccas on the way to her, and she'll pay me.

You guessed it, I didnt reply to the sms. I was too busy, and my fingers were tired from sms'ing my SD (who still lives with my XW) all day about organising a new car for her. I could be wrong, but I suspect the day will come where I'm questioned why I'm not responding. My answer will be short - 'sorry, your sms must've fallen to the end of the queue'.

I did get her Maccas though. She's still my S's mother, and it wasn't out of my way.

Delivered it with a smile, and an obsequious and surprised amount of gratitude from XW. She asked how much and I told her what would cover it. She didn't have that amount so but had more, so I told her that's fine and took the money. She did after all cause a fuss over splitting a restaurant bill the other week.

Old me would have sms'd her back immediately to clarify her order, and not accepted any form of payment. Old-old me was the errand boy - she wanted chocolate at 10pm, I'd be in the car getting it for her. Old me would have asked about what happened in the shopping centre carpark. Not anymore - NMMNG.

She tends to stand close to me when we talk at the door or on the porch. I tower over her and noticed how her black dyed hair has a huge amount of grey coming through on the top. She may have noticed my skin tight business shirt (tightly rolled up sleeves of course to strain against the biceps!) and pants and high gloss boots, or that the skinny slob upper body I once had is now more and more like an inverted triangle. Everywhere I go now it's dressed to the 9's. No more half broken thongs, parachute t shirts and mismatched shorts. I feel better about myself for it.

XW told me about how tired she was and wanting to go back to bed. I think I replied with an ok, and a big smile of casual indifference, then we took off. No need to validate, because what was there to validate. I think validation needs to be done sparingly and judiciously - too often, and you may start to look like some toadie.

She knows nothing about me now. I volunteer nothing, and answer briefly without detail if she asks. I'm becoming a ghost, other than the stable step dad to her kids, father to my son, and support for her mum when she needs me. I'm there, but not there. Everyone gets me now except her. The pedestal is cracking, but when the statue falls, I'll be gone. I'll have left a cushion on the ground to catch the fall, and a trial of dusty footprints pointing in my direction.

Anyway, I've taken a few days off to hang out with my son. I think I'll buy some new fishing gear too. I'm a hoarder!

Originally Posted by rooskers
[quote] I would have to tell her "No, I think we are just two completely different people".


Hey Roo,

I think with me, we would be friendship incompatible. We are different - hugely so in some respects. But, she is not a friend I would want, not now, probably not ever.

You're a great dad Roo. You'll be one of the veterans here who single dads come to for inspiration and advice. I agree with all you said. I thought it was bad when my XW took off for a month long holiday, but I just dont know what to say about the way your XW is conducting herself. She now has the guilts about that. I hope your XW will too.

Have you read "Danny, the Champion of the World"? Its underlying story to me is about a left behind father who raises a child. You remind me of that father mate.

Thanks for your support mate. I'll keep updating! Until I reach a stage of actual detached indifference, I'm going to keep DB'ing, and out-G'ing the G. Giving her time and space is not a problem for me, and never really was. My main flaws, as pointed out here in the forum, is the NGS facets I have. It's all in my mind, and it's getting better with baby steps.


Me: early 40's
XW: nearly 50
T: 15
M: 5
BD: Jan 19
S:10 SS: 22 SD: 24
Re: A parallel universe [Re: DS9] #2866938
10/01/19 11:53 AM
10/01/19 11:53 AM
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 7,447
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AnotherStander Offline
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DS, all sounds good, you're doing a great job at being AMOAFWL! Keep it up!


Me: 58 w/ S16, D22, D25
Current R: 4 years
Previous M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:56
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