Gerda Rises Up to Go On

[Grace21]

Gerda -

I don't have any magic words to make it all better. It's terrible to watch our kids suffer. And the thoughts they have about so easily (seemingly to them) being replaced by some random women's kids. That cuts to the core, for sure.

(((Gerda)))

My daughter called a few days ago and cried on the phone for 20 minutes or more. I just held the phone, and said a few times I was sorry she was sad. Sometimes that's all they need. To just let it out to a safe person. Sometimes we don't have to do anything except be there and listen. Sometimes no words are necessary.

You are doing a great job, though. Listening, validating real, true feelings and thoughts. God is in your presence. Continue to allow Him to soothe you.

Love from afar,

Grace

[DnJ]

Good Morning Gerda

You should feel good about your mothering, you are doing a great job.

It is nice to read about the roughhousing and the connection between you and son.

I have wrote two letters, one for each, daughter and son. They will follow this post. I hope they help.

I turn 52 tomorrow and S22 and his GF showed up a day early. It was a surprise since everyone else is coming out tomorrow. Lol.

DnJ

[DnJ]

Hello <Gerda’s Daughter>

Your mother asked me to write to you. I understand things in your home have been difficult for a while and are becoming more difficult in the recent months. Your Mom and Dad are divorcing and your Dad has moved out and you are upset.

I empathize with how you feel. I have four children, three boys ages 22, 21, and 18, and a girl age 17. Their Mom is behaving similar to what your Dad is like. They do not really want to spend too much time visiting with their Mom. She sometimes says hurtful things to them and other times she does not speak to them at all for months. Their Mom moved out of our home 26 months ago, her and I divorced a short time after that.

It was sad, painful, and difficult at the beginning. As time went on things became easier and more pleasant. My oldest son works in a tire shop, the other two boys attend university and my daughter is in grade 12 with an average of 95%. My family and I are 2 years passed their Mom moving out; I assure you it does get better.

As a Dad who has watched his children get through what you are experiencing I would like to share some advice. This is really important so please listen very carefully.

First, everything going on between your Mom and Dad is exactly that – between your Mom and Dad – it is not your fault. It has nothing to do with you. You have done nothing wrong. This is very important; you are not to blame for any of this.

Second, your Mom loves you very very much. Probably more than you realize. You and your brother mean the world to her.

Third, your Dad loves you also. He may not show it like he did before, but he does love you. Sometimes it just gets lost inside him and it takes a while for him to find it again.

Now <Gerda’s Daughter>, I have heard that you are a smart and loving young girl. I imagine you are a lot like my daughter when she was 10. I suspect you enjoy reading, playing games, running around outside, and talking and cuddling with your Mom.

I also figure you are rather inquisitive and seek to understand things. Therefore I am going to explain a bit of what you are experiencing and what you can do to work through it.

Having your parents separate is a hard thing to work through, regardless of age. It is perfectly normal to feel upset, sad, and angry. It’s ok, and needed, to cry. How you are feeling is completely normal. Talking to your Mom will help. Talking with your brother can help. Sharing your feelings will allow you to accept them.

What I mean by accepting is along the lines of how you feel better after crying. You see, feelings are not forever. They “feel” like they will last forever and then will disappear for a while. Think of a time when you were angry at a friend; in a couple of days that anger was gone. It takes time to accept your feelings.

Let’s start with Dad’s girlfriend. I know you feel you don’t ever want to see her or know her. You are upset with her, and want nothing to do with her. My children felt the same with their Mom’s boyfriend.

It is really good that you realize your feelings. Also realize that this woman is just your Dad’s girlfriend. She is not your Mom. You have a Mom and a Dad; and that will not change.

At first my kids hated their Mom’s boyfriend. Their Mom was of course blind to this, because she was infatuated with her boyfriend, which means she is kind of in love with him. Slowly my kids accepted their feelings and their anger and hatred lessened. Now, they can and do visit (once in a while) with Mom and him. They don’t necessarily like him but they don’t hate him or live with anger in their hearts. They are not friends but they’re not enemies either.

It takes time to work your way through things and accept your feelings. You do not need to rush it. And in truth you cannot rush it.

Accepting your feelings towards Dad is also going to take time. I know you love your Dad. You also are angry at him, mad, upset, etc... Not to worry, you can be angry and upset with someone and still love them. Remember feelings are not forever. The anger will lessen and the love will remain.

Something else you may have felt a little of already or it will still be coming. Every now and then you will feel happy with and for Dad. You will also feel happy with and for Mom. This is ok. Mom and Dad have separated, and their individual lives are going to get better. You are part of their lives.

It is ok to feel this happiness. Sometimes one tends to feel like they are betraying their family when they are happy with the “new” arrangements. I’m a Dad who has helped his kids accept some very strange behaviour with their Mom, supported them through my divorce, and I am letting you know its fine to accept your parent’s as they are in their lives. It is ok to find enjoyment and be happy in your life.

So a few tips just for you:

Study and do your homework from school. It will pay off huge in ways you cannot imagine. If you are having difficulties with something ask your Mom. I know, I know, ask my Mom?!? Well she is pretty smart and can help. Trust me on this one.

Get a good night sleep every night. This really helps and is so easy, just go to bed at 10:00pm and get up at 7:00am. Being well rested makes everything better.

Be polite and say please and thank you. It is amazing how much happier the world will be by doing this.

Feel your feelings. Accept what you are feeling. It is ok to be sad, happy, angry, or even nothing. Sharing your feelings helps get them out. A word about being mad or angry, find a safe way to express it, to let it out. Going for a run, doing push ups, something physical helps.

Be compassionate towards your Dad. He is having a very hard time dealing with things right now. When you are compassionate and maybe even a bit forgiving you will feel so much better.

Hug your Mom and tell her you love her. She knows you do, but it means so much when you show her.

Last, and most important, have fun! You are allowed to enjoy games, walks, time with Mom, movies, ice cream cones, and so much more. You don’t need to feel guilty for having fun. As a matter of fact, I think you should have some ice cream as soon as you finish this letter. Find your Mom, give her a big hug, and politely ask if she would like to join you and brother for an ice cream cone.

<Gerda’s Daughter>, I know I have said a lot to you. Please feel free to reread this as often as you like. Remember those three important points. Focus on the tips and work on following them. I have a feeling you are more than capable of doing so. I may have stirred up some further questions and I know your Mom is very willing to discuss anything with you.

Sure would be nice to enjoy an ice cream with you.

All my best.

DnJ

[DnJ]

Hello <Gerda’s Son>

This is DnJ. Have you been following my advice from the two other letters? I hope so, and I hope it has helped.

I understand you are pretty upset with your Dad and his girlfriend. A pretty reasonable response if you ask me.

Like previous conversation between us, I would like to pass on some wisdom from a Dad who has seen his children experience what you are now facing.

Having your parents separate is a hard thing to work through, regardless of age. It is perfectly normal to feel upset, sad, and angry. It’s ok, and needed, to cry. How you are feeling is completely normal. Talking to your Mom will help. Talking with your sister can help. Sharing your feelings will allow you to accept them.

What I mean by accepting is along the lines of how you feel better after crying. You see, feelings are not forever. They “feel” like they will last forever and then will disappear for a while. Think of a time when you were angry at a friend; in a couple of days that anger was gone. It takes time to accept your feelings.

Let’s start with Dad’s girlfriend. First off realize that this woman is just Dad’s girlfriend, she is not your Mom. You have a Mom and Dad; and that will not change.

I know you feel angry about Dad and her relationship. I empathize with your feelings regarding Dad and her kids.

I watched my children progress after their Mom moved out with her boyfriend. At first my kids hated their Mom’s boyfriend. Their Mom was of course blind to this, because she was infatuated with her boyfriend, which means she is kind of in love with him. Much like your Dad, their Mom could not see what she was doing was not right, or perhaps she refused to see that.

Your Dad is suffering an emotional crisis and is making decisions based more on his emotions. My children’s Mom did, and is still doing that same thing. When a person is infatuated, that becomes their focus, that other person. A person in an emotional crisis has that affect amplified. I know you witnessed some strange behaviour with your Dad and have seen what I am referring too.

Slowly over time, my kids accepted their feelings and their anger and hatred lessened. Now, they can and do visit (once in a while) with Mom and her boyfriend. They don’t necessarily like him but they don’t hate him or live with anger in their hearts. They are not friends but they’re not enemies either. This man is an important person in their Mom’s life at the moment, and there is nothing they can do about that, except to accept it or not.

This is hard to accept at first. It takes time to work your way through things and accept your feelings. You do not need to rush it. And in truth you cannot rush it.

Accepting your feelings towards Dad is also going to take time. I know you love your Dad. You also are angry at him, mad, upset, etc... Not to worry, you can be angry and upset with someone and still love them. Remember feelings are not forever. The anger will lessen and the love will remain.

Something else, every now and then you will feel happy with and for Dad. You will also feel happy with and for Mom. This is ok. Mom and Dad have separated, and their individual lives are going to get better. You are part of their lives.

It is ok to feel this happiness. Sometimes one tends to feel like they are betraying their family when they are happy with the “new” arrangements. I’m a Dad who has helped his kids accept some very strange behaviour with their Mom, supported them through my divorce, and I am letting you know its fine to accept your parent’s as they are in their lives. It is ok to find enjoyment and be happy in your life.

Do you remember the very first bit of advice I offered you? Well actually it was three things, and they were very important.

First, everything going on between your Mom and Dad is exactly that – between your Mom and Dad – it is not your fault. It has nothing to do with you. You have done nothing wrong. This is very important; you are not to blame for any of this.

Second, your Mom loves you very very much. Probably more than you realize. You and your sister mean the world to her.

Third, your Dad loves you also. He may not show it like he did before, but he does love you. Sometimes it just gets lost inside him and it takes a while for him to find it again.

Sometimes we all need a reminder that this is not about us. Your Dad’s life is very much about him.

That also speaks to the compassion and understanding I encouraged you to seek and follow. Your Dad is having a difficult time. Being kind and compassionate really allows you to grow beyond this, to feel so much better, and I believe you are doing very well along that journey.

I think you are 15 now, wow so close to driving. Gosh, won’t that be exciting?

Have you been attending school regularly? At 15 years old I know you know the importance of that.

I also realize that our emotions can get in the way of us doing things. Ensure you are feeling and talking about your emotions. This will allow you to accept your feelings. And remember anger can be let go really well through physical activity, like running, doing push ups, yard work or shovelling snow. You don’t want anger or other emotions building up and spilling out all over.

Do take care of yourself both physically and emotionally.

All my best.

DnJ

[Gerda]

DnJ = True Gift of God

Will write more soon

[CanBird]

Hi Gerda. YOU ARE A GREAT MOM. I'm sorry you and your kids are going through this. As a mom (D3), my heart goes out to you and the kids. Gosh, it's one thing when our emotions run high, but to see our kids struggle is another pain we ache to comfort and wish them never to deal with.

YOU ARE listening and doing the very best you can under these unwanted circumstances. Know that YOU ARE a blanket for them and a rock. The way you handled that situation is amazing. I see your courage and applaud you.

I haven't read your entire sitch/history, but see you post often. I just wanted to reach out and say hello and send you a BIG, "YOU GOT THIS!!" ((((( HUG))))) from mom to mom.

Smile and know YOU can do this, that & anything.

Have a blessed day

[Gerda]

CanBird -- Thank you for the reply, that is really sweet of you.

There are a lot of crazy stories around here, but only a few of us who had a live-in for as long as I did. I started posting in 2014, then left for a long while as the comments I was getting were confusing me about my stand. I came back when I got more desperate and made some really good friends who have helped me a lot. Though I must say that coming here does sometimes confuse me about my stand. I think my H is perhaps even more mentally ill than some of the stories you read here, but I am in a period where I am not sure of anything anymore, except my faith in God.

Anyway, thanks for the virtual hug.

[Gerda]

Well, DnJ, I haven't had time to write a proper reply to you, as usual. But wanted to tell you quickly that D10, who does not actually like to read much, was riveted by your letter. She read it all in one sitting, with total focus and attention. Afterwards seemed to have some ownership of it, as if it was none of my business. Though she did say, "DnJ said I should go to bed at 9, so I am going to do that." The next day I prodded her again by pretending I hadn't read it and she told me you said to remember that nothing was her fault, and that things would get better and that you had "very very good advice." She asked if she could write back and I said yes but so far she hasn't done that. She is not so into writing and reading like her mom, which has been one of life's great humbling experiences, since reading and writing is pretty much my entire identity.

S14 was a different story. He has been very defiant lately and refusing to go to school, missed 8 days the last three weeks. So he saw the letter as something to defy and so far wouldn't read it. I am going to try again when he is less defiant. Interestingly whenever he wants to make up with me, he starts roughhousing. I guess I was right about that being a good idea!

I am in a weird period of intense reflection, partly from the book I am reading, "Whole Again," which I highly recommend but which is, like DB, sometimes slightly contradictory to my faith journey. But I have to say that, despite what you said, DnJ, about not doubting my past, I am looking pretty hard at some things from my past with H that I can't deny were a red flag. I do wonder sometimes if all this time he was covering up this monster as best as he could, or if this monster is not the real him as I have thought all along. An old friend was over the other day, looking at all my photo albums because we've known each other since I was 12, and he was looking at photos of me in my 20's when I was first with H and asked me if H was threatened by my looks and the sensuality I exuded. I was totally flabbergasted by this question. I thought he was joking. I was looking at the photos and I felt like I was looking at someone in a movie I saw, not myself. And then in the last few days remembered how I used to feel about myself in college and before I met H, and how for most of my marriage I felt ugly and undesirable, a little embarrassed even about myself. Now though I do still do my girly dressing up everyday and am very flirty out in the world, I can barely even look at the mirror without cringing and am always mystified when I get any attention, like these other people must need glasses. It's like there are two versions of me, and I pretend to be the attractive one but secretly know I am not. I have been thinking about my relationship with H all these years, and how it came to be that I felt this bad about myself long before BD. I have to admit to myself that this is true, and that he was always terrible with finances, I was always digging us out of trouble, and that he really almost never did things to show me I was really special to him -- stupid things like special gifts for my b-day or bigger things like working extra to help dig us out of debt or so that I could buy myself a good winter coat while trying to be a full-time mom and run our business, etc.

And maybe it was both. Maybe I brought out the best part of H, or he was trying so hard to be his best self all those years, and he just couldn't do it. Or maybe it really is MLC. I know it doesn't matter on many levels what the truth is, and that letting him go can't include these kinds of musings. But it impacts my vision of my stand. If this monster was in him all along, then the question is how much healing God can do for someone like that, or what God expects of me now.

Like I have said before -- everything before seemed forgivable, even though the worst things. The way he is conducting this divorce and torturing me, this seems different to me somehow. He is clearly delusional, and living on lies, but still, it seems different. Can someone go that crazy to desire to not just leave but actually destroy his family this viciously and that not be the "real" him?

This is a long conversation so I think we all need to gather at my house and talk it out.

In fact you will be proud of me for one thing-- I decided that I wasn't going to just cower in fear and trembling while H runs the sale of my house the next six months, so I am having an open house every other week and invited folks to come sit by the fire and share food and kids can watch movies, play games and roast marshmallow. For city kids, the latter is especially exciting. Did one so far, just one mom and her kids came but it was so nice not to be lonely.

[Gerda]

P.S. I wrote "open house" there and just realized that might sound like the open house of selling it! I just mean the kind where people can drop in and hang out and enjoy some company. And some naimmoooommeeeemooooo bars.

[DnJ]

Good Morning Gerda

I am glad D10 (and you) appreciated the letter. Your retelling of her riveted reading of it bought a smile to my face. As well as her ownership of it.

”DnJ said I should go to bed at 9, so I am going to do that."

Lol.

I am very pleased she heard that she is not at fault.

S14’s defiance (sorry I called him S15, thought he was) is unfortunate. He is a little young for that adolescent rebellion, although it is starting I’m sure. Refusing and missing 8 days of school in the last three weeks does point to something bothering him.

Keep working towards the middle ground between the two of you, he will share. You are right with the roughhousing; a connection between the two of you. Also a physical expression of his unknown or known aggression. Perhaps a punching bag would be helpful for him as well. Moves the focus of physical release from you to the bag. You still are active, holding the bag for him, so still in his world and process. Could try a gym for a couple of times to see how he takes to it. Just a thought.

...despite what you said, DnJ, about not doubting my past, I am looking pretty hard at some things from my past with H that I can't deny were a red flag.

I think we all overlooked red flags when we were young and unaware.

I am just encouraging you to ensure you don’t rewrite your past history to fit this new crazy present. Not to make one’s history worse or better; to be accurate. I think you’re doing fine by the way.

When I reflect back to before XW, or when we started out, that’s 30 plus years ago! I was a different person from who I am now, and in some respects I’m not. Matured like a fine wine. Oooo, yes - that’s what I’m going with.

It's like there are two versions of me, and I pretend to be the attractive one but secretly know I am not. I have been thinking about my relationship with H all these years, and how it came to be that I felt this bad about myself long before BD.

”secretly know I am not”
”felt this bad about myself”

Long term thoughts and feelings become beliefs, become a force inside of us. Unwanted beliefs, undesirable beliefs, take effort and time to alter.

“secretly know believe I am not”
”felt believe this bad about myself”

Seeing accurately is a needed step in changing one’s outlook.

Gerda, you are attractive. That is not some petty vain complement - I don’t even know what you look like. You are an attractive person, mother, soul. Now you know, from my point of view. Now, you work on making it a belief. (((Gerda)))

But partly because I realized that there might be something about me that you will not understand and it seemed daunting to explain it.

Is this tied into any of this? That question is more for you. Although I am curious as to what is so daunting.

he really almost never did things to show me I was really special to him -- stupid things like special gifts for my b-day or bigger things like working extra to help dig us out of debt or so that I could buy myself a good winter coat while trying to be a full-time mom and run our business, etc.

He is a troubled man. I am sure his love languages were not spoken much, not verbose, and not articulated well. A pretty common affliction unfortunately.

What do think his primary love language was?

Maybe I brought out the best part of H, or he was trying so hard to be his best self all those years, and he just couldn't do it. Or maybe it really is MLC. I know it doesn't matter on many levels what the truth is, and that letting him go can't include these kinds of musings.

We all need a certain level of understanding before we can let go. It’s ok to partake in musing, just don’t get lost there.

Perhaps you did bring out the best in him. He was putting his best foot forward. And then MLC took him.

Can someone go that crazy to desire to not just leave but actually destroy his family this viciously and that not be the "real" him?

I believe in possibilities. So yes.

A person could be so desperate that destruction of their life and family seems like the way out. Desperate people do desperate things.

Your H is doing it viciously, my XW did is expeditiously.

Your H is like my XW; this is the “real” him - at this moment. He behaves opposite of what once he did. He may find his way back, he may not.

The mind is not easily fixed. The very thing that defines one’s reality is skewed and it takes time, fate, karma, and luck to put enough stimulus in their way to penetrate that foggy cloud of fantasy and slowly realize when and where they are. Not all have the fortune to met these in a timely fashion, nor choose to face them.

In fact you will be proud of me for one thing-- I decided that I wasn't going to just cower in fear and trembling while H runs the sale of my house the next six months, so I am having an open house every other week and invited folks to come sit by the fire and share food and kids can watch movies, play games and roast marshmallow. For city kids, the latter is especially exciting. Did one so far, just one mom and her kids came but it was so nice not to be lonely.

I am proud of you for many things, and for you being you.

And an open house is awesome! Well done! Take that fear. No cowering and trembling around here. Yeah! Food, fire, roasting marshmallows, games, etc...

I’m glad you cleared up what you meant. At first I did think you were talking about the open house for selling the place.

An open house. What a good idea.

DnJ