Hi.this is my 1st post so I will try and tell the story of my ditch.and desperately request advice.l have been with my wife for 14years and we have 2 amazing children together.the overview us that I believe we have been in a codependent relationship thus whole time.my wife is a childhood abuse survivor and has a narcissistic mother and a string of abusive relationships and addiction problems.but she is amazingly social.brave and always driving change seeking a love of life but at the same time drawn to saving people.i am just realizing that I have been emotionally dependent my entire life and throughout our relationship.i have had chronic self esteem issues and depression and I gave all responsibility for my happiness and wellbeing to external sources.i was a chronic alcoholic for the 1st 9 years of our relationship until my wife sought help and identified me as an emotional abuser.this was devastating for me to acknowledge but I accept it as true and caused her great suffering and neglect.she demanded I moved out.which I did.finding somewher close by so I could see the kids and vowed to start working on myself.which I did.overtime approx 5 months we became closer and bonded over our realizations and her confrontation with her family.we eventually reconcilled and I was so sure things would never be the same.i now realize that much of the work I did was not for me but driven by my attachment to her and a desire to reconcile.we relocated and over the last two years the same neglect and lack of intimacy has crept back into love her deeply but always put my fears and insecurity ahead of her needs.i became increasingly depressed and withdrawn and she really did try to help but I saw it as her nagging and trying to change and control me.5 weeks ago she declared that she wanted a seperation with a view to a divorce and that she refused to discuss us.
I have lurching through shock,anger,denial while continuing to live apart in the same house.i became increasingly suspicious as this all coincided with her getting fit again.going out with friends 3 or 4 nights a week and starting drink and drugs again.she stated several times that there was no one else but had become very close with 2 younger women in their early thirties both who had at the same time left their partners.2 weeks ago while my wife was away with the kids I became overwhelmed with feelings of no self worth and on the harbour arm had almost a compulsion to end my life.this shocked the he'll out of me and I finally saw the depression and low self esteem.i immediately set to work on taking responsibility for myself, losing the beard.eating and showering daily and buying a bike to exercise with.i chose not to tell my wife but she noticed the changes.we got on well over the last week and even bonded over the seperation plans and telling the kids.we shared a day out on the Sunday a family meal and she toasted the family.even though we were still separating I began to feel hopeful regardless.
Then came Monday.we have a small business together and while working together she was talking about a friend's husbands depression I felt compelled to share with her what had happened.she listened and was very upset but supportive.she went out to see her friend and came back fuming.she declared that I was nothing but an emotional abuser that she didn't believe me and that it was textbook to threaten suicide.she let out every bad thing I had ever said or done and I accepted and validated everyone.i tried in earnest to explain that sharing the incident was not a threat but trying to communicate that it had made me realise how my wellbeing was my responsibility after burdening her for so long.i admit in hindsight I should not have shared it as it was another burden.she has completely closed to me saying that she no longer feels safe around someone so manipulative and demanded I leave the family home. I was devastated and overcome with shame and I left.i have been staying with friends for a few nights and there have been a few very terse messages from her about how I have left her in such an awkward position.i have replied that I understood fully how she felt and would do anything to help i have continued to validate everything.she has stated today she wants me out of the business and despite then being jobless to arrange somewhere else to live immediately.our original plan was to sell the family home after one last Xmas and split the proceeds to provide 2 smaller homes to co parent the kids.
I am afraid she now intends to stay in the home.while I feel deep deep shame for being so neglectful and never putting her first she seems consumed with hate for me.
I would do anything to make reparations, I truly love her while accepting my love is unhealthy and has been damaging. Humbly asking for any advice
Last edited by job; 09/27/1908:01 PM. Reason: added space between paragraphs
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Hi there, sorry you are here. It sounds like a very tough situation. This board is a fantastic resource and is full of great people who give lots of advice.
Looks like you are identifying the issues that need addressing; that's a really big first step.
All I'd say is make sure you post a lot - keep everyone updated on what's going on. It really helps. Get the DR book if you haven't already.
Have you sought any therapy, for yourself?
Read all the links above - many of them are invaluable.
Most importantly - GAL and Detach for now.
Last edited by DaB35; 09/27/1905:02 PM.
Me - 36, W - 32 No kids T - 8 yr, M - 3 yr Discovery - 14 May 2019 S - 25 May 2019 & D bomb - 29 July 2019 D & House sale final - Feb 2020
Thank You cadet. Right now I feel all I can do is get somewhere to live and try and rebuild myself.at the same time I feel compelled to try and explain that sharing my depression and near miss was not intended to manipulate her. She has so many defenses and anger present.along with the narrative from her friends any attempt to explain right now will probably backfire.i just feel aggrieved that she believes I am such a manipulative monster.
Thanks DaB35 I'll get the book as soon as I have an address. And will read the links.i know I must detach from someone I have been so emotionally dependent on. Does it go against the grain to write a letter of apology/acknowledgement validating what i have done?
When you read DR this will fall into place. Could you get it delivered to work instead? Might arrive quicker.
I've learned this - write the letter to get the thoughts out. Then do NOT send it.
I wrote a letter. It was 2 pages of A4. I was going to give it to my W. You can check my part 1/2 thread to read it here. I did not send it. I'm glad I didn't.
It will push her further away. You will be pursuing her. She doesn't want that.
Detach. Or, to put another way, 'Drop the rope'. Let her go. Focus on you. It is the complete opposite of what you want to do. You want to write that letter and send 50 roses to her and turn up outside the house playing the guitar or something. Then she runs to you and everything's fine. It doesn't work like that. Instead, detach. You cannot control her. You can control yourself. Since I detached - I haven't seen my W for 2 weeks (we've been separated since May), and I haven't had any contact from her at all for a week - I've never felt happier about ME. Lots of people tell me I look so much better and healthier. Never realised how much I put myself down. No I rarely have negative thoughts about myself. My posture is better, I eat healthy, I exercise, I walk a little slower, I relax a bit more. It has been a boost.
Do it. You'll notice a change in yourself quickly. Took me about a week. Doesn't mean be rude or standoffish with your W. Just detach. Act as if you are fine.
And stay off Facebook! If you need to use it - hide her, hide your relationship status, whatever. Make it a big effort ot check up on her so you don't do it.
To reiterate - do NOT send a letter to her.
Last edited by DaB35; 09/27/1906:35 PM.
Me - 36, W - 32 No kids T - 8 yr, M - 3 yr Discovery - 14 May 2019 S - 25 May 2019 & D bomb - 29 July 2019 D & House sale final - Feb 2020
OK well first of all man up and quit letting her push you around. Move back into the house, it is just as much yours as hers. DO NOT allow her to remove you from the business. Again it's just as much yours as hers. You need to protect yourself first and foremost. You have just as much right to the home, the business and access to the kids as she does and don't let her convince you otherwise. If she starts throwing threats around then hire a lawyer. Too many LBS's get BD'd and then move out and give their wife everything they ask for. Guess how much advantage it gives them? NONE. She already has very little respect you and if you let her treat you like this then she will have even less. Take control of your life. She will hate it, but inside a bloom of respect will have started and will build over time. Without respect you will NEVER have a relationship with her again, it's your only path to future recon.
You can purchase the books from Amazon via this site. At the top of the page is a box that says "Divorcebusting Store". Click on Books, DVDs, etc., select the book you want and click on the little box that says Amazon.
Last edited by job; 09/27/1908:16 PM.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I guess my first question is would a letter acknowledging what i have done and showing remorse be an act of validation or pursuit.i fully accept my emotional instincts are probably gravely wrong and selfish at this time. I would struggle to demand I move back into the house at this time without causing trauma to the kids. I intend to contact her tomorrow to ask her how she envisages me exiting the business as in order to obtain a rental property I will need proof of employment.i think this would also be the time to agree wether the original agreement on sale of house and splitting of proceeds stands.if only to be able to co parent the kids.
