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rooskers #2865898 09/20/19 01:01 PM
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Good stuff roo glad you found good therapy for your daughter. Keep us posted with how she’s coping as well. Would it be feasible to speak to her teacher to inform generllly they sitch and to keep a discrete eye on your d at school?


Me: early 40's
XW: nearly 50
T: 15
M: 5
BD: Jan 19
S:10 SS: 22 SD: 24
rooskers #2865923 09/20/19 05:14 PM
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One of the more difficult things is that I work at her school and teach two of her classes. So my role for D13 in the past three months has been parent, teacher, counselor, and friend. Now that school has started back up I have been encouraging her to do more with her school friends. She has an overnight birthday party this weekend which I hope helps to get her mind off things. Now that she has a therapist she likes I can resume my role as just a father and school teacher. D13 has attended her school since she was three and I have been actively involved and worked here for the same amount of time so all the teachers/administrator/janitors/aids/parents/students know the sitch extremely well. It is a small catholic school so the community is pretty tight and word travels fast.


1st BD December 26, 2008
PA admitted to by XW December 29, 2008

2nd BD May 23, 2019
Daughter confirms EA
Divorce Finalized July 18, 2019
rooskers #2866117 09/22/19 11:37 PM
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Sorry Roo I missed that you worked at her school. It seems quite common with the American members on this forum that there are lots of small communities where everyone knows what everyone is up to. That must be tough on you guys especially in the horrible situations of divorce.

There's a very wise vet here called DnJ who raised his children. I'd recommend reading his sitch. He's inspirational.

All the best to you and your D!


Me: early 40's
XW: nearly 50
T: 15
M: 5
BD: Jan 19
S:10 SS: 22 SD: 24
rooskers #2866183 09/23/19 06:00 PM
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The weekend with D13 went wonderful. She was able to go to a friends birthday party and spend the night there. At first she wasn't going to leave me but after some convincing she agreed to go just for the evening. I knew if she saw her friends that she would want to spend the night so when I got home I packed her an overnight bag and sure enough within an hour I got the text from her saying she wanted to spend the night. She was surprised when I told her I was already on the way with her stuff.

We also spent the weekend decorating the house for fall and Halloween. I have decorated for each holiday since before she was born so this wasn't anything new, but D13 felt it made the house more cheerful so we did it a little bit earlier than usual.

For me I spent the weekend fixing all the leaky faucets in the house. It has been a project I have been wanting to do for a while now but never had the time to do it. Bathroom sinks went great but the kitchen sink was a living nightmare. I got the leak fixed but then the hot water refused to work. Found out the valve below the sink had a washer that disintegrated and the pieces blocked the hose running hot water up to the faucet. Since the hot water heater doesn't have a valve to turn the hot water running to the house off I had to turn off the water supply to the whole house. Since this was all going on I figured I may as well drain the hot water tank and remove sediment build up. I persevered and fixed everything by the end of Sunday and felt proud. What made it even more special was D13 believed I could do it. In the past EW would have just called the neighbor over or called a plumber to do it even if I told her I wanted to give it a try.

I wish I could fix everything for D13 and take away all her pain. She hates the week before she has to visit with EW. She hates that it feels like a countdown until she has to go. She hates how EW makes her feel guilty all the time for everything. She hates that her mom physically looks different, and acts completely different. I listen to her, hold her, let her cry, encourage her to journal her feelings, try to help her come up with ideas to make the visitation more pleasant, and let her know I will be there for her when she comes back. It rips my heart apart to see her in such pain.


1st BD December 26, 2008
PA admitted to by XW December 29, 2008

2nd BD May 23, 2019
Daughter confirms EA
Divorce Finalized July 18, 2019
rooskers #2866352 09/24/19 09:33 PM
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Well I knew it would come and read or heard about it a thousand times but guess who can't afford child support this paycheck. This is one of the reasons I have been saving like mad and built up the emergency savings as quick as possible. EW wants to spend more time with D13 and keeps saying how much she cares but I guess new roof rack, paddle board, kayak, Seattle trip, concerts with new friends are far more important than me being able to pay for the therapy sessions, food, and school uniforms for D13. Only venting on here so I don't let it slip when D13 is around or be tempted to send off a sarcastic email to EW. I will be fine but sometimes I just throw my hands up in the air and wonder why I expected something different.


1st BD December 26, 2008
PA admitted to by XW December 29, 2008

2nd BD May 23, 2019
Daughter confirms EA
Divorce Finalized July 18, 2019
rooskers #2866510 09/26/19 05:23 PM
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D13 had her second therapy session and afterwards the therapist came out and surprised me. She said it would be a good idea to change the visitation schedule for D13's emotional health and stability. I am not in the therapy sessions and what they discuss is confidential but the therapist believes for the next 3 months to a year it would be in D13's best interest to lessen the visitation time with XW.

I really don't want to get the lawyer involved for this so I am hoping to construct a carefully written email to XW with the request provided by D13 and her therapist.

D13 Plan of Action
Step 1: Provide D13 with the tools and resources to gain an emotional stability that will help her be a confident healthy individual.
Step 2: For D13 to feel safe and comfortable around XW and her new place so she can stay there.
Step 3: To develop a new healthy relationship which enables more time to be spent together with XW.

Unfortunately this process will likely take years and all the steps may never happen. Love to hear peoples thoughts on this.


1st BD December 26, 2008
PA admitted to by XW December 29, 2008

2nd BD May 23, 2019
Daughter confirms EA
Divorce Finalized July 18, 2019
rooskers #2866520 09/26/19 06:58 PM
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Wow, Rooskers, hang in there. Is there any way you could get the therapist to speak directly with your XW? I have a friend whose D11 is having a really difficult time stemming in great part to his XW's new H, D11 doesn't want to be at the XW's house anymore (they have 50/50 custody), etc. The therapist insisted on meeting with all four co-parents to talk about the situation which was a lot more helpful than my friend trying to tell his XW that her H was not being supportive enough to the D11... anyway, it might help to take you out of the communication loop with the therapist so that your XW can't accuse you of anything.


Me (46) H (42)
M:14 T:18, D9 & D11
4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs
9/20 - present: R and piecing
rooskers #2866547 09/27/19 02:02 AM
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I am not sure. If the therapist meets with XW, D13 has already said she will never go back to therapy. That was the problem we had with her last therapist and it took a lot of convincing to get her to go. I need D13 in therapy to work on herself so she doesn't become a danger to herself.

D13 has had to go through most of what us adults on this board have gone through. The lieing, coldness, abandonment, left for another daughter. She witnessed the affair without XW realizing, when dropped off for activities daughter asked her to stay but mom told her no she was to busy, saw and heard all the vileness that comes from WW wife at the time, was lied too, felt traded in for OM daughter, witnessed her mom and grandma get into a physical fight, saw her mom go into a manic state while in Hawaii a trip birthday trip planned for D13 since she was in first grade, as a child was made to stand in the corner because mom didn't want to deal with her while vacuuming, yelled at for not being good enough for getting B+'s in class, being told you have a special bond with your dad but not me, abandoned for the summer, felt her mom has ignored her for the past couple years, feels mom is laying a guilt trip on her for not wanting to be with her, and is being told by her mom it is her fault for her mom not spending time with her this summer. The list is actually much longer.

Do WAW/WW realize the damage done to a teenager? My XW can't understand D13 because in her mind all she did was break up with me and nothing more. Meanwhile, once a week I hold my screaming daughter in my arms. You know how hard it is to not hate my XW when I have to see my daughter in this much pain. Prying my daughter out of my arms because she has to go to XW house. Praying that she doesn't end her life because she hurts so bad. Somehow I am suppose to forgive and become indifferent towards XW? Will the anger for what she has done and is doing to D13 ever go away? Has anyone had this happen? I am sorry right now I hate that women more than anything and that includes my alcoholic biological dad who molested me as a child. I hurt not for what has been done to me but for what I see my daughter going through. I hate that women!


1st BD December 26, 2008
PA admitted to by XW December 29, 2008

2nd BD May 23, 2019
Daughter confirms EA
Divorce Finalized July 18, 2019
rooskers #2866612 09/27/19 07:29 PM
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This is so unfair for a 13 year old to have to go through all of this-- she is so lucky to have you as her dad. I agree that she is absolutely your priority and keeping her in counseling is a must. Seems like your XW is not capable of making decisions in the best interest of her child and maybe you will have to go the lawyer route-- not that I know anything about it, but just from what you've written I can't imagine that a judge would not give you full custody. The stakes are too high.

You know you are doing the best you possibly can for your daughter and being the best dad you can. Try just to focus on her. One thing my friend is doing with his D11 that seems to be helpful is she knows that she can call him anytime, day or night, and he'll drive over to his XW house and get her, talk, or give her whatever she needs. That has helped her to be less anxious about being at her house. He also has taken a couple of days off of work just to hang out with her and spend time together, which he said seems to really be helping her confidence in knowing he is always there for her regardless of the mom and stepdad situation. (she has also talked about hurting herself.)

Last edited by job; 09/27/19 09:58 PM. Reason: added space between paragraphs

Me (46) H (42)
M:14 T:18, D9 & D11
4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs
9/20 - present: R and piecing
rooskers #2866625 09/27/19 09:36 PM
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Quote
the therapist believes for the next 3 months to a year it would be in D13's best interest to lessen the visitation time with XW.


Finally someone with reason. The general consensus is that it's in the best interest of the child to have a relationship with the WAS when sometimes it's just not. Sometimes kids need to heal first from being left behind before reestablishing a relationship with the WAS.

As far as do WAS's know what they are doing to their kids? Depends on the WAS. My WAH assumed he could leave and the kids would understand. Society says kids will be just fine after a divorce. Most kids are fine but some aren't. Its a gamble.

Last edited by kas99; 09/27/19 09:44 PM.
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