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phnix #2866123 09/23/19 03:51 AM
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The weekend went fairly well. Spent time doing things outside the house and I told her to use the other room and bathroom so she wouldn’t be coming into the master bedroom. She was perfectly fine with doing it.

Didn’t do much talking and she seems to be pulling away too and that’s fine. I’ve got a gut feeling her next move will be to move out of the house at some point. She is still concerned and worried about losing her job. She is also highly concerned about the OM’s wife telling everyone in our small town. These are the things she wants to talk about in passing or after we eat dinner and the kids go to their rooms.

I was coming out of the grocery store and the OM’s wife was waiting by my car in the parking lot. She is struggling and says she will be divorcing her husband. She claimed she was waiting to see if my wife came out and she was going to confront her. All I said to her was that this will not end until they have ‘no contact” and if they decide to break it off.

Bad news is usually given out on Friday so there wasn’t a change in the job situation. Seems that they will sweep it under the rug which is what usually happens in the school system unless it effects child safety.

The woman did mention her husband was getting counseling and that was odd because my wife has also decided to get individual counseling this week. She wanted to do couples therapy but I told her I wasn’t ready for that right now. If we went it wouldn’t do any good due to her not being fully committed to it. I think she wants to just to save face and show people that she tried to work on our marriage.

Read parts of the book and will try to make a written plan for moving forward. Doing the 180’s is difficult if done the right way. The communication part is most difficult to grasp unless you fully let her go. I’m slowly trying to learn this process.

phnix #2866389 09/25/19 01:14 PM
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Any thoughts on Limerence and why spouses that are infatuated and obsessed with their partner will not leave their marriage.

The more I look at Limerence and if it is requited the more likely it seems recovery is more difficult.

On a positive note, I have been doing well and doing the 180's when at home.

phnix #2866391 09/25/19 01:37 PM
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IMO it is because the man thinks with logic and reason. He realizes that he will lose half his assets, pay child support/alimony and share custody of the kids. Those consequences most likely keep him from leaving his W. He may only be in the A for the sex and thrill anyways.

There was a poster on here who was obsessed with limerence and was 100% convinced that once that ended his w would return. It’s been 3 years and as far as I know his w is still with om.

phnix #2866399 09/25/19 02:43 PM
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On the DB boards, the people who speak of limerence tend to cling to it.

The best thing you can do is to forget about her. Stay out of her way so that she can see that the OM is a dirtbag and that without you she still isn't feeling happy. It will take a while.


H 34
W 29
BD 3/12/18
Divorce Busted Spring 19

It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
phnix #2866402 09/25/19 02:45 PM
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On the DB boards, the people who speak of limerence tend to cling to it.

The best thing you can do is to forget about her. Stay out of her way so that she can see that the OM is a dirtbag and that without you she still isn't feeling happy. It will take a while.


H 34
W 29
BD 3/12/18
Divorce Busted Spring 19

It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
phnix #2866403 09/25/19 03:23 PM
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I agree with the fixation on Limerence. It's best to leave that alone. Not a lot of encouraging information out there on that topic and will drive you to thinking about the end results which you have no control over. Focusing on her feelings toward the OM is also out of your control and doesn't help with moving forward.

Glad you posted about obsessing over it because I started thinking about it this morning and couldn't get it out of my head. I'll let it go now and not think about it anymore.

LH19 #2866404 09/25/19 03:23 PM
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Originally Posted by LH19
IMO it is because the man thinks with logic and reason. He realizes that he will lose half his assets, pay child support/alimony and share custody of the kids. Those consequences most likely keep him from leaving his W. He may only be in the A for the sex and thrill anyways.


LH, that´s somehow what happened to me. It was not for the material possessions, I would never take anything from my family. Had to reach for a past that was hidden to me so as to see what was wrong there. My main trigger was about the protection figure. I needed to protect OW and her little S. But doing that I was leaving my W and my S. I would never do that. There was a little of logic and reason left somewhere and I used that. All the rest was WW fog and limmerence. Then you need willingness (thanks Steve). It´s about willingness. My W was the lighthouse, I saw her light. Went to IC, asked questions about my past and found this forum. I´m piecing since 2016.

That´s why I remain eternally grateful to all my DB brothers and sisters.

So you´ve got some clues BB. Shine your light, detach and get into amoafwl. Be there for your kids and for yourself.

It´s about respect. And NO FEAR to be yourself. BE that!


WW H(me): 53
W: 48
T: 27 M: 22
S: 18
Piecing since 03/2016
Saw the light in the storm
neffer #2866409 09/25/19 03:43 PM
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Neffer, Are you sure you are not a coach? You know the right things to say to get me to thinking positive. Thanks

phnix #2866412 09/25/19 04:02 PM
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Wait! I have kick a$$ emojis too. They are here somewhere. Let me find them!

Keep walking your road BB. You are setting the role model pattern to your kids. They´ll follow your steps: there´s honor there. Be proud of that.

Respect!


WW H(me): 53
W: 48
T: 27 M: 22
S: 18
Piecing since 03/2016
Saw the light in the storm
phnix #2866455 09/25/19 08:59 PM
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Quote
Any thoughts on Limerence and why spouses that are infatuated and obsessed with their partner will not leave their marriage.


Its just a fancy term for being "in love" or that hormonal, drunk, infatuated feeling you get when you meet a new person and fall "in love" with them. Not sure how it became such a "thing". IMHO you can call it whatever you want, but the bottom line is that the behavior patterns are the same. It's not some special category of affairs or waywardness that gives you some kind of leg up on solving your problems. Lots of people who fall in love with someone new ultimately "end up" with that new person even after the "rush" of new love wears off. Some dont. All you can do is take care of you. Trying to parse and navigate "limerance" (or whatever) focuses way too much on the other party.

Having said that, I remain convinced that, if an affair/relationship has not reached that point of intimacy/infuatuation/whatever, that one's timeline to R, if R is possible, can be shortened somewhat if the affair/relationship can be headed off before it gets that far. Note that more often than not it is NOT possible to achieve such an end (after all, you have no control over others, only over yourself), but you should well note Sandi2's guidelines on WWs where she has, at several points, stated that she believes that if, upon discovery of an A, the LBS dropped a bomb of their own and drew a firm, bright line "I won't live in an open marriage" resulting in the WW coming face to face with the actual, real, and complete loss of her spouse and family, that the timeline for R, where possible, would be significantly shortened. But again, pay attention to the fact that this approach is still self-focused... What I will and will not stand for.


H53/W51, R-ing 4/'18

"Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires"-Sg.of Sg 2:7

"So oftentimes it happens,that we live our lives in chains, & we never even know we have the key"-Eagles III 1:3
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