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A Message from Michele
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Re: Midlife wife crisis10 [Re: Thornton] #2866301
09/24/19 03:52 PM
09/24/19 03:52 PM
Joined: Feb 2019
Posts: 483
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Wolfman Offline OP
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Wolfman  Offline OP
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Originally Posted by Thornton
Hey Wolf,

Just know that you arenít alone. My W is so vile and selfish that itís like sheís another person. I canít understand the hatred that she has right now.

I also think about when W was lovable, fun, and kind. It really messes with my mind how she could flip like this.

We simply must detach and leave them to figure themselves out.


It messes with my mind too. I think about all those things, it messes me up. Leave them to figure themselves out? I get it. But for how long? Itís a rhetorical question. What I wouldnít give to just be a family again.
Thornton what does she do differently and when did it start?


M:41 W:40
T:19 M: 15
D:12. S:9
BD: 8/10/18
Moved out: 8/18
Moved in: 9/18/18
Moved out: 4/22/19
D papers signed 11/4/19
Re: Midlife wife crisis10 [Re: Wolfman] #2866305
09/24/19 04:01 PM
09/24/19 04:01 PM
Joined: Jan 2019
Posts: 912
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IHCLACS Offline
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IHCLACS  Offline
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Posts: 912
Everyday is hard to find a balance and have compassion and not be resentful for who they are now, and not bring out the worst in us because we have hurt each other, and are hurting. Every day is hard to recognize they have changed and so have we. Everyday is hard that you look back on your history of so many memories, and they no longer mean anything to that person, and we are almost forced to forget them to be able to move forward with our own lives. Everyday is hard figuring out our own self worth, where we screwed up, how bitter we have become, and so have they and where and how we are going to move forward with our own lives. Everyday is hard when we didn't want this, and were commited to the good the bad and the ugly no matter what, and they werent. As they lost themselves in all this, so have we to an extent. At some point we have to ask ourselves what the hell are we going to do with the rest of our own lives? Its scary!!! Like which one do you want? Peace, quiet, and freedom by default or choice, or to continue on with this other person (if they would let us.) And try to endure even more hurt, pain, disappointment, silence, and resentment. All we want to do is heal ourselves, and them, but we can't control that can we? Just ourselves. It all comes down to making conscientious choices every day.

Re: Midlife wife crisis10 [Re: Wolfman] #2866384
09/25/19 10:48 AM
09/25/19 10:48 AM
Joined: Apr 2019
Posts: 619
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IronWill Offline
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Posts: 619
Originally Posted by Wolfman
Originally Posted by Thornton
Hey Wolf,

Just know that you arenít alone. My W is so vile and selfish that itís like sheís another person. I canít understand the hatred that she has right now.

I also think about when W was lovable, fun, and kind. It really messes with my mind how she could flip like this.

We simply must detach and leave them to figure themselves out.


It messes with my mind too. I think about all those things, it messes me up. Leave them to figure themselves out? I get it. But for how long? Itís a rhetorical question. What I wouldnít give to just be a family again.
Thornton what does she do differently and when did it start?


Hey Wolf -

Been following your sit for a while, I know how much you've been struggling and how this has taken a long time for you, so I won't be harsh. Everyone goes through this at their own pace, it takes some of us longer than others to "get it".

It took me a long time to figure out that my MR was over. Not "how I knew the MR to be", but the MR itself. It is gone, there is no R between myself and my W right now. I had to accept that, and that was not an easy thing to do. I cried and suffered many weeks and months on end, both before and after finding DB. I grieved the end of what I viewed as something really special. I talked to friends, I poured my heart out to IC.

And then i finally accepted it. Yes it hurt and yes there was an immense amount of pain, but it will happen that you will accept this too.

I'm not saying that there is no possibility of another R with your W at some point in the far future. The future is unwritten, and has an infinite number of possibilities. But right at this moment, you need to start living your life for yourself. You need to prepare for every outcome. I know you may not want to hear it, but one of those potential scenarios is that W may not be there, so you also need to prepare for that.

It [censored], I know. It's not what you want, it's not what I want either. But both you and I and everyone here are at a crossroads in our lives where the outcome is unclear.

So in order to deal with that, in order to protect ourselves as much as possible, we need to be prepared, we need to be strong, and we need to be steady, in spite of what we might be feeling on the inside.

Try to live in the moment. Take it day by day - don't worry about what will happen tomorrow, that is a problem for tomorrow.

Have you tried meditating? I find it helps me a lot to calm obsessive thinking.

What are you doing to GAL? Do you have any projects or trips or things you have always wanted to do for yourself? If so, now is the perfect opportunity to think about doing those things.

This is rough, man - but you will get through this, I promise. We are here for you, and do know that you are not alone.

Take care, man - stay strong smile

Re: Midlife wife crisis10 [Re: Wolfman] #2866485
09/26/19 12:39 PM
09/26/19 12:39 PM
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Posts: 483
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Wolfman Offline OP
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Wolfman  Offline OP
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Iron will thank you for that. This is the hardest thing I ever had to deal with. I pour my heart out with my IC. I am getting a life but at times it is hard. I donít have a friend who is divorced. All of my friends are married. It is hard to find people to hang out with. Accepting the end of my m is extremely difficult. Just like everyone on here never imagined. I never imagined my w would be doing this. She always wanted to portray this perfect life we had, then she snapped.
Iron will you asked if there was anything I wanted to do for myself and the answer is no, my life was my family and my enjoyment.

I really need everyoneís help here. Really just the support. Itís obvious I am struggling, I am trying real hard to find positive in my life. But itís hard. My family was my world and I know people say you still have your kids but itís not the same. Some days my thoughts go real dark. I have no one. Iím not use to that. Because of my marriage I donít have a lot of friends anymore. I always feel alone. Thatís why I love this board. I know everyone on here has a life but it means so much to me when people respond. I never thought this divorce would break me this bad I was such a strong independent person before I was married. I became husband and family man and lost my sense of strength. Everyday I feel sick to my stomach hoping I will wake from this nightmare.
LH tells me all the time I use logic and he is right. How giving up this life we built is better than staying married. I just wish her MLC would end. And my ďwifeĒ would come back. Because she is not the same person. Please people I know I am not as strong as a lot of you on here, but please just stay with me. This board is the only place I find strength and love. Most days I feel like the zombies from the walking dead.


M:41 W:40
T:19 M: 15
D:12. S:9
BD: 8/10/18
Moved out: 8/18
Moved in: 9/18/18
Moved out: 4/22/19
D papers signed 11/4/19
Re: Midlife wife crisis10 [Re: Wolfman] #2866489
09/26/19 01:08 PM
09/26/19 01:08 PM
Joined: Nov 2013
Posts: 2,520
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Thornton Offline
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Hey Wolf,

I can relate to so many things you struggle with. I describe myself as a family man as well, my family was always #1 and who I wanted to spend most of my time with. All of my friends are married too, and I don't want to be a third wheel. It can be very lonely at times.

Rest assured, how you are feeling right not is not how you will feel forever. It's a process and you will hurt for a while. But then it will start to get easier.

No one here will give up on you, we know your pain. Keep coming here and posting. We will all get through this nightmare together.

Thorn


Me 43
He 43
D: 18
D: 12
T: 8 years

Bomb 5/10/2014
Back 7/7/2014

Bomb 2 1/28/2016
Back: 5/2016

Bomb 3 4/3/2017
She moved away with SD: 5/27/2017
Back: 8/1/2018

Bomb 4 9/11/2019
Re: Midlife wife crisis10 [Re: Wolfman] #2866499
09/26/19 03:49 PM
09/26/19 03:49 PM
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 8,007
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AnotherStander Offline
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Originally Posted by Wolfman
My family was my world and I know people say you still have your kids but itís not the same. Some days my thoughts go real dark. I have no one. Iím not use to that. Because of my marriage I donít have a lot of friends anymore. I always feel alone. Thatís why I love this board. I know everyone on here has a life but it means so much to me when people respond. I never thought this divorce would break me this bad I was such a strong independent person before I was married. I became husband and family man and lost my sense of strength. Everyday I feel sick to my stomach hoping I will wake from this nightmare.


I hear you, that really brings back memories. Not too long after BD and S, my oldest went to college. That was a cold slap in the face that not only did I lose my W and half my time with the kids, but I was now only going to see my oldest maybe twice a month! Man that was tough. And the weeks I didn't have the kids were so incredibly lonely at first. Just me in that empty house. So what saved me? How did I survive, and then thrive? GAL. I had to force myself to GAL because all I WANTED to do was sit at home and wallow in misery and despair. But I made myself. I went to the gym nearly every day. I worked out until I was too tired to be miserable. I worked on a motorcycle, I did sketches, I read, I texted friends, I built R/C planes, I took painting classes. Slowly over time I learned to enjoy all these activities. Eventually they become so much fun that I looked forward to my "alone" weeks so I could do more GAL. Now don't get me wrong, if given a choice I would definitely have chosen to see my kids more. But we're forced into these situations, so we make the best of it. We are Superdad when we have the kids and we GAL our hearts out when we don't have them. I like my alone time now, I'm alone a lot but I am never lonely!

I don't think you've ever really embraced GAL'ing. You do a little something here and there but you've never gone full bore on it and you have to, it's the only way forward.

Also here's a truth bomb for everyone that has kids- they grow up. The move out. You're still a father to them but not every day like you're used to. It's inevitable that your parenting situation is going to change and diminish no matter what happens to your M. So you have to prepare yourself for that.

Quote
I just wish her MLC would end. And my ďwifeĒ would come back. Because she is not the same person.


It may never happen. Or it might. A friend of mine, his W went full-bore WAS and launched a scorched earth policy. Left, moved in with OM, sold their joint house and business and cut all contact for 2 years. Now they are back together and happier than ever. My XW on the other hand, it's been many years and she's only partially returned to who she was before. Sometimes she seems like my old W and other times like a stranger. All I can say is you've got to quit waiting and get on with life. It may seem impossible, but there are plenty of us around here who were in your exact same spot and are now happy and thriving. That should give you hope!


Me: 58 w/ S16, D22, D25
Current R: 4 years
Previous M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:56
Re: Midlife wife crisis10 [Re: Wolfman] #2866538
09/27/19 12:21 AM
09/27/19 12:21 AM
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 224
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rooskers Offline
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Wolf the pain is horrible. I wonder how any of us get through this and survive. Even at my lowest of lows I can't comprehend what my 13 year old daughter is going through. On a visitation she almost decided to walk in front of a car to end her pain. I keep telling her and myself this will pass and we will come out the other side stronger than ever before. Wolf at this moment my daughter and I both care for you even though we have never met.


1st BD December 26, 2008
PA admitted to by XW December 29, 2008

2nd BD May 23, 2019
Daughter confirms EA
Divorce Finalized July 18, 2019
Re: Midlife wife crisis10 [Re: Wolfman] #2866540
09/27/19 12:40 AM
09/27/19 12:40 AM
Joined: Jul 2019
Posts: 473
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DS9 Offline
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Originally Posted by Wolfman


I really need everyoneís help here.


I got your back too buddy. How you doing today?

I feel your pain and need for answers. I was very much the same. I really think you need to move out to your own place mate. That you've stayed there so long shows just how strong you actually are. Your W is no longer the woman you knew. She became a vampire, sucking all your strength and energy. The more you're around, the stronger she gets and the weaker you do. Get out of there. Be the lighthouse from afar, where your light and energy guides her back, rather than burns her. Visualise that.

I lasted 3 months months IHS, and it was killing me, and I always thought I had granite willpower.

Are you close to water, or any recreational facilities? Can you get away for a couple of weeks on a solo holiday?

Can you tell us your interests, what you used to do, and maybe we can brainstorm some ideas for you for GAL.

I'm the same too in that I had very little friends and family, and virtually none close by. I visualised myself as some sort of warrior/traveller, walking down a lonesome road, by myself. It's a lonely road we travel mate, but F*&k it - DILLIGAF!

You're a lone wolf mate. Embrace that power and harness all that energy. Visualise that. Squash thoughts of W. Throw them to the side and maul them. Visualise the tough, strong lone wolf you are. Your wolf pack's here now.

Work out like a banshee. When W sees you, she will see you are AMOAFWL. Visualise that and make it happen

Have you got mates at all you can sms/call? I had one really close friend who I'd text and call daily, sometimes several times a day at the beginning.

Get your own place. Don't buy, just rent.

Whenever thoughts of W or loneliness creep in like an insidious cancer, squash them, smash them and maul them.

Visualise.

You've got this Wolfman. Be the Wolf!

I'll check up on you daily for the next few days.

Regds, D


Me: early 40's
XW: nearly 50
T: 15
M: 5
BD: Jan 19
S:10 SS: 22 SD: 24
Re: Midlife wife crisis10 [Re: Thornton] #2866548
09/27/19 02:05 AM
09/27/19 02:05 AM
Joined: Feb 2019
Posts: 483
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Wolfman Offline OP
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Posts: 483
Originally Posted by Thornton
Hey Wolf,

I can relate to so many things you struggle with. I describe myself as a family man as well, my family was always #1 and who I wanted to spend most of my time with. All of my friends are married too, and I don't want to be a third wheel. It can be very lonely at times.

Rest assured, how you are feeling right not is not how you will feel forever. It's a process and you will hurt for a while. But then it will start to get easier.

No one here will give up on you, we know your pain. Keep coming here and posting. We will all get through this nightmare together.

Thorn

Thank you. I need all the help. Iím sorry you went through this too. I have to really focus more on myself something Iím not use to. I know everyone says in time you will get better. I really donít know if I will truly ever get over the situation. I will keep posting and hopefully get better little by little.

AS you are right. I never went full bore. The one thing I have been doing a lot of is working out. I go to the gym a lot and put extra time in. People have noticed so that makes me feel good. Other than that I joined a flag football team, we play on sundays. I now coach my sonís flag football team. So I do things to stay active.

Last edited by Wolfman; 09/27/19 02:11 AM.

M:41 W:40
T:19 M: 15
D:12. S:9
BD: 8/10/18
Moved out: 8/18
Moved in: 9/18/18
Moved out: 4/22/19
D papers signed 11/4/19
Re: Midlife wife crisis10 [Re: rooskers] #2866549
09/27/19 02:20 AM
09/27/19 02:20 AM
Joined: Feb 2019
Posts: 483
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Wolfman Offline OP
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Wolfman  Offline OP
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Posts: 483
Originally Posted by rooskers
Wolf the pain is horrible. I wonder how any of us get through this and survive. Even at my lowest of lows I can't comprehend what my 13 year old daughter is going through. On a visitation she almost decided to walk in front of a car to end her pain. I keep telling her and myself this will pass and we will come out the other side stronger than ever before. Wolf at this moment my daughter and I both care for you even though we have never met.


That is so sad that your d tried to do that. I am so sorry you and your d are going through this. Why do people not understand how much pain they cause others? Why today are people more selfish than ever? Thank you for caring. You have no idea how much that means.

DS9 thank you for speaking with me. I donít want to go away by myself. I hate being alone now. Something that never bothered me before. For a while I was having sever panic attacks being alone. It took me months to get over it. But it still bothers me just no panic attack now. I donít live with w I moved out 5 months ago, I live at my parents house. She is almost done refinancing our home so she can buy me out. Once she does I will buy my own home. That does scare me too, being alone half the time. I will take your advice on squashing bad thoughts. Squashing thinking of my w.
I just never have experienced depression before and now at 41 I feel like there is no end in sight. I know that all depends on me. I am trying real hard to find one positive thing a day and focus on that.

Thank you all for talking with me. It helps so much to feel like someone cares!!!


M:41 W:40
T:19 M: 15
D:12. S:9
BD: 8/10/18
Moved out: 8/18
Moved in: 9/18/18
Moved out: 4/22/19
D papers signed 11/4/19
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