Hello everyone. This is my first post. I've lurked for a while and am frankly worried about the responses I'm going to get. All the same, I feel like I have to get this out there. And I'm particularly interested in hearing from those of you that have a similar story that ended in success. One last note, I'm not going to use all the shorthand.
My wife and I have been together for 14 years. Our 10th anniversary is coming up on October 10th. I am 44 and she will be 38 in a few weeks.
We have two children. Our first was born in Jan of 2013. Our second born in March of 2015. So we barely had time to learn how to be parents to the first before the second was on their way. The first pregnancy was tough, our child had colic and my wife experienced some pretty bad post-partem depression. Our second was much easier in that regard.
At the end of 2016 - my wife had a pretty significant reaction to the results of the presidential election. She kind of went into another state of depression. I like to say she went through all the stages of grieving. When she came out of them, she was charged. Fired Up! And she got VERY involved with political activism. This activity lead her to identifying an opportunity business-wise. She then started a "side hustle" along-side being a mom of two, a wife and having a full-time job. This is my wife. She's not very good about knowing her limits. And she wants to make a difference in the world. Her full-time job was not giving her that level of satisfaction. So at the end of 2018, she quit her full-time job to pursue her passion project fully. I was supportive-ish. I didn't really understand where she thought the money she WAS making was going to come from in this new endeavour. And at the time, she was making more than me. But I also knew that this new biz was a confluence between her passions and her talents, so I said ok.
At this point, it probably makes sense to talk about her a bit more. She's a total Type A, very driven, hard working woman. I've always admired that about her. But I was always kind of "along for the ride" She gets up in the morning and goes all out, all day. She crashes at the end of the day. And as she puts it, the only way she can turn her brain off is to read a book, watch a show on tv, or sleep. This level of manic put her in control of most things - the bills, how the kids are raised, where we live, the house we live in, etc were all things she expressed she wanted and got.
I'm NOT clocked like this. I'm more laid back. I'm more introverted, she an extrovert. So life was coming at me pretty fast. Newly a father, working a full time job myself, trying to do all I could to support her in this new endeavour and keep our "house in order". There were many occassions where I would have to come right home after work to look after the kids so she could attend to the business, either in our in-home office or meetings with current or potential clients outside of the office. I did this without protest. I would cook, clean, get the kids to bed, get them to school, pick up the groceries, whatever needed to get done to "keep the trains on time."
On a couple of occasions, she came to me and expressed her concern about my lack of "affection" toward her. This was further clarified as not enough compliments, not enough touching, not enough sex. I was admittedly a bit defensive about this. I was working really hard to keep things together. I was also very supportive of her new business - showing her how to do things, bringing her people to help fill in the gaps of her skill set, being a "consultant" for her to bounce ideas and approaches to things on. She'd never run a business before. So yes, this was one area I was lacking in, but it's hard to hear that when you're working so hard in so many other ways to show you love her.
She took the kids to her parents house in June. They live a couple of hours away. I stayed home and ended up going to a concert with a friend. It was Jason Isbell (if you don't know him, look him up) he played one song that nearly brought me to tears - If We Were Vampires. So I sent it as a link in a text saying "everytime you think I don't love you, play this song to remind you how much I do" Her response surprised me. She said that she felt like we were really disconnected. Despite the "talking to's" I got about not being affectionate enought, this was the first I'd heard of feeling disconnected.
And I have to admit, I had gotten to a place where I was kind of unhappy too. We didn't do stuff together anymore. Everything felt like it was very functional. Becuase it was. It's no small undertaking to start your own company. It's even harder when you have young kids. I felt like it was a phase that we'd eventually get through, when she was on the other side of getting the business off the ground. But I wasn't always fun to be around. I was withdrawn and kind of aloof. I sometimes felt like I was asleep at the wheel.
The bomb dropped on September 1st after another trip to visit her parents. Again, I stayed home. She admitted to having an affair for the last 6 weeks. He is someone that is peripherally involved in her new business (a friend of a friend) and this mutual friend has many issues of their own. So they started chatting about the issues of this friend on FB messenger. And things escalated from there.
It's weird, I don't so much care about the affair. I care about the lying, the deceit, the fact that it didn't seem like she even tried to communicate in a single way, other than sit me down like I was one of the kids or somone that works for her and tell me how I'm screwing up. There was no discussion. No attempt to express emotions. Like "I need you to touch me more becuase it makes me feel like this." Without going into detail, there were many opporunities for her to come clean about the affair, but she chose not to.
I'm not great at being overly affectionate. I like to wait for the right opportunity to plug in something that is more meaningful and has more impact. I'm not the guy that's going to tell you you're smart and pretty every day. That loses it's meaning and effect. It's also worth mentioning that my wife has a horrible memory for compliments. BUT - if you say something that even touches on critical, she'll never forget it.
Her stories have changed since then a bit. She used to say she tried multiple times in multiple ways to get through to me. But when I ask her what those ways are, she can't say. Now her story is that she tried the best way she knew how to express her concerns. She's also accidentally admitted that it's "the way she prefers to be communicated with".
There's also been LOTS of talk about people thinking she's younger than she is. It's been mentioned several times in the last 10 days. One day I came home last week to a new haircut that included purple and silver highlights. She's going to be Harley Quinn for Halloween. She's talked about getting her nost pierced, getting a tattoo, driving a convertable Mustang.
We don't sleep in the same bed, but we both still live here. In one of my weaker moments, I saw that she started a diary in the guest room and I peeked at it. In it, she talks about being quietly desperate for so long and trying to fit into a life that she doesn't want. Which is bullshit, because as I mentioned above, she's created the life we have mostly on her own. Perhaps more concerning are the questions about who she is, what she wants and generally speaking what does it all mean. I've since learned these are the telltale signs of a MLC. As is the affair.
In the days since she told me, she's been pretty steadfast that she "loves me, but is not in love with me" and that she wants to end the marriage. And she's actively sought to avoid me whenever and wherever she can.
I see this as me waking up, albeit, a bit late, and realizing how much I love my wife and my family. As much as she says she's tried to "fix things" and all the stuff I've read is that she's feeling emotionally drained from the efforts, I don't think that's fair. So, I'm not done fighting. Fighting for what I want. Fighting for us. Fighting for another marriage where we put this one behind us and work on creating an even better world - for us, for our kids and for others. This can either be a moment in time that we look back on and say "boy that sucked" or it can be the end for us. I'm not convinced it should be the end. I want to try to do things differently first. I want to learn from my mistakes and try to correct them. I want to have her in my arms again.
If you made it this far, thank you for reading. There are a thousand details I didn't include, but it's cathartic for me to get this out of my head and into the world.
I'd love to hear what you think or any questions you have.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
I know you don't want to hear this and this site is about saving a marriage which I am all for but...
Contact a lawyer to know what you could expect and what your rights are if she decides to end the marriage. In my case I was the stay at home Dad for much of my daughters life so I wanted to make sure I was going to stay in my daughters life as the primary caretaker and that financially since she earned most of the money that I would be OK.
Whatever you might believe to be true about your wife is wrong. She is not the same person you married and she does not see you as a human being worthy of respect, love, or friendship. Read everything you can on detaching and get ready for the most difficult ride of your life. Your situation is not unique and you are not alone.
From here on out consider yourself a single dad and proceed forward with that in mind. Be the best person you can be and work on everything to improve yourself (don't do it for her do it for you). Love your children and be the most amazing father you can be and try to shield them from this as much as you can.
The hardest part is that your family and marriage as you remember it is no more. You will grieve and the journey is long but you will survive. Most here hope to rebuild a new stronger marriage and that is admirable but know that what you had is gone.
I am sorry you are here.
1st BD December 26, 2008 PA admitted to by XW December 29, 2008
2nd BD May 23, 2019 Daughter confirms EA Divorce Finalized July 18, 2019
