sorry you're here... I will say from my own experience that men seem to pursue affairs for different reasons than women. You'll want to read up on attraction and learn to be attractive, mysterious, and strong. I'd suggest not lingering in his presence when he is home.
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he just wasn't sure if he could/wanted to reconcile because he didn't think a passionate/sexual relationship was possible between us again, plus he wasn't sure he could deal with the guilt of the EA.
One of the tougher lessons to learn is to not believe anything he says. I doubt what he said is true.
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In our case, he's 100 percent in on the everyday and both the day-to-day relationship between the two of us
This seems very optimistic considering his actions with OW.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Also, it hasn't happened again... I am wondering if I should initiate, which would be a pretty significant 180 for me. The reason I haven't is that the last time we TALKED about it, he said he wasn't interested, etc etc.,
Personally, I think that's a clever plan, since it's a 180 and you say he initiated once in the middle of the night. I've rekindled relationships in the middle of the night I wouldn't have at other times. Walls are down.
I'd love to see more success stories here. It's not a smooth sea, but you seem in range.
In our case, he's 100 percent in on the everyday and both the day-to-day relationship between the two of us
This seems very optimistic considering his actions with OW.
Hi Ovrrnbw, thanks for this... I think you're right, 100 percent is overstating it. I mean, though, that we're doing much better between the two of us and he went from being not super helpful at home to constantly performing acts of service-- now he does all the grocery shopping and at least half of the cooking. This happened after we read the five love languages book when we were in MC (acts of service is my primary love language; his is physical touch).
He seems to think that the R between the two of us is better in the day-to-day because he had this emotional outlet with the OW. I personally don't buy that, but I do think that the OW/EA is keeping him from focusing on our R. I do think I need to keep getting out of the house and focus on being more mysterious (that is hard for me). Strength is my motto these days.
Originally Posted by CWarrior
Personally, I think that's a clever plan, since it's a 180 and you say he initiated once in the middle of the night. I've rekindled relationships in the middle of the night I wouldn't have at other times. Walls are down.
I'd love to see more success stories here. It's not a smooth sea, but you seem in range.
CWarrior, trying not to get my hopes up... but really nice to hear you say that (especially because of where you are!). I'll see about initiating... also don't want to show any pursuing behaviors... maybe another middle of the night one?
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
Update/journaling... couple nights ago did a few very subtle feelers on initiating sex with no response and so backed off completely. Things continue to be about the same-- we're getting along well, talking about real stuff (not just kid logistics), he's sent a few texts/called just to check in or tell me something interesting. However, I sense that he's a little down, not sure if it is because he's thinking about/missing OW or work/other stuff. I've been working on getting out of the house more, being less transparent, focusing on self-care, etc. I don't feel that emotional connection that had started to come back before he went on his business trip (excepting the middle of the night sex).
One question-- tomorrow night we have child care and were planning on going out-- in our last R talk three weeks ago we agreed to focus on our friendship, including going out on 'dates' just the two of us. We haven't talked about what we're going to do and I've purposely not offered options or ideas, just waiting on him-- both because that is usually what I do and also because I don't want to put any pressure on him or act like I'm pursuing him and putting a lot of emphasis on this one night. Now I'm wondering if making him be the one to do the lift of suggesting/planning is too much and I should just go ahead and make reservations somewhere fun-- something *I* want to do and he's invited. Thoughts?
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
Journaling... I decided to plan nothing about the night out Saturday. I went to yoga in the afternoon while he watched the football game and the kids, said as I was going out I'd be home 15 minutes or so before we were taking the kids to the sitter. He was like oh, that's tonight? I said yes, figure out what you want to do and left. (Usually I'm the one that plans everything-- I normally will think of a few options and let him choose between them.) When I came home he was really weird-- first he kind of pretended he hadn't thought of anything ("so, what do you want to do?") but then it turned out he'd researched a bunch of different options for things other than just going out to dinner, since we're both doing the Whole 30 and dinners out aren't quite as much fun if we can't eat/drink whatever we want. So I chose (a movie plus a quick dinner beforehand), total 180 on both our parts, and it was fun.
This morning did another big 180-- he said he's planning a business trip to the city where the AP lives. I of course was flooded with anxiety and anger, especially because he wants to extend the trip over a weekend and would miss a number of things with the kids in order to see a friend get a big national award the following week. Thanks to you guys (job, sotorn especially-- THANK YOU) I just kept the mantra in my head of "he's a grown man, I can't control him" and said "ok." Asked some questions about what the various plans were, was noncommittal. Then later on in the morning he started thinking out loud about the pros and cons of staying for the friend's award, leaning more on the cons. I didn't say anything. (Although, would it have been better for me to validate? "Yes, that's a difficult decision?")
In the past (before BD) I was really aggravated about how much travel he took and what the effect was on me for childcare/work, and him saying he was going to be away over the weekend, especially missing a number of kid-related events, would have had me blowing up at him and we'd get in a major fight (he thinks/thought I don't respect his work because I'm so unsupportive of the travel which is a significant portion of his job, and the trade off for working at home and normally being able to handle more of the kid pickups/ sick days etc). So, we'll see what he ends up doing. If he does stay for the award, he will definitely see the AP since she's friends with the guy who is getting the award. I just can't worry about it and need to let it go... right? (easier said than done!)
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
Caught up on your sitch too . So many similar aspects . Couple things just from my point of view . Ignore he brought up the trip . Wish him well . What seems to have positive outcomes with me is when H takes time away I GAL harder and I tell him nothing about it . Just give the mysterious i have plans . Hire a sitter and go GAL or take the kids and do something super fun . When he checks in be pleasant but get off phone first and say your busy . Months later he still doesn’t know half of my GAL activities but he throws some hate out about it once in awhile . Oh I didn’t invite you to this because you said you had plans is just an example or I didn’t know what you were doing . I ignore every bait attempt . I don’t do GAL to make him angry or get a reaction but it is one of the things I know he notices very clearly . Almost overwhelms me with temp checks those few days .I’m just a bit of a mystery. If he tries to have me on phone late and is not home I just say it’s late and I have a busy day planned for tomorrow. Have a great night . Sometimes my gal is sitting in my pajamas enjoying a ton of movies in the quiet . Sometimes I go shopping all day or grab dinner with friends . But I give limited info on it .
Sex ... this is a hard one . We have very different sitches with this . We have always had a strong sex life . I chose to continue with it . Could he have had an A or is I don’t know but right now there is no sign of it . We bond with sex . I have put out there a few times or initiated always met with resistance so I stopped doing what didn’t work .All men have some body part they love about a women or you . My H is shoulders . So I tend to once in awhile just accent them . A bit dressed up but not over the top . Smile and go about my business . Distance yourself from him . Be busy but happy . Let him pursue you . I was always a bit of a push away attention from him . 180 can be to be more receptive then initiate. I don’t care if I’m folding laundry I’m doing it with a smile . The more you smile the more it becomes who you are .
Let the EA burn out . Let them feel the pressure of that . GAL more .
The one thing I saw was you said you used the kids as weapons . Protect them yes by all means . I tried the opposite I gave him unlimited access to them . Not me . Access to kids .
I asked something the other day to H I saw on here under validating when he started a R talk . How can I make this easier for you ? H response be so means I’ll run so hard I won’t ever wanna come back and won’t be confused . I smiled , giggled and said well that’s not happening so good luck .
You are doing great . Hang in there . Marathon not a sprint . Be the lighthouse.
I definitely need to work on being more mysterious about GALing but it is kind of hard when we live together and sleep in the same bed. Our practice has always been to be super open with each other about what we are doing when we aren't together so it feels really weird to just say I have plans. For instance I'm going out for drinks tonight and so just said yesterday hey I'm going out for drinks tomorrow so you have the girls-- he tried to ask me with who but it kind of got lost and I didn't answer (trying to be mysterious) -- then this morning I reminded him to pick up the kids and he asked who I was having drinks with? So I told him. (Business-related drinks, with a man.) Don't you think it would be too weird to say like none of your business? or no-one you know? (he does know this guy anyway... and it probably isn't a bad thing all in all for him to know. Otherwise I'm sure he'd assume I was with a female friend.) So far, he doesn't seem to care that much about my GALing. Maybe I'm doing it wrong... but he is also someone who has always been a big proponent of me spending more time doing things for myself.
Originally Posted by Caligirl
When he checks in be pleasant but get off phone first and say your busy.
This is totally something I could do and need to be better at doing... I went out with a friend the other night and he texted me asking where we ended up eating and I replied... better to just ignore, right? Get off the phone first, don't respond or answer right away, let there be a delay in responding to texts.
Originally Posted by Caligirl
The one thing I saw was you said you used the kids as weapons . Protect them yes by all means . I tried the opposite I gave him unlimited access to them . Not me . Access to kids .
By using the kids as a weapon I didn't restrict access to them, I just threw a bunch of statistics at him about how bad it would be for the kids for us to get divorced and tried to use them as a reason for him to want to stay and work on our MR. But this clearly all has to do with what he's feeling not what logic would dictate, so I've stopped talking about it. He is a great dad and spends a ton of time with them, either on his own when I'm out GALing or all together as a family.
I'm so impressed with how you are a total natural at this! Total inspiration And yes it is a marathon! Impatience is my biggest problem.
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
You both have so much strength! I have been following both your stories and I, too, have many similarities to your situations. Hang in there and keep doing GAL and patience! Just wanted to throw yall some words of encouragement.
LBW 32 - me WW 31 T 7 M 4 No Kids 4 dogs
Separated 1y Navigating the mine field and GAL with or without
My take on when asked what I’m doing . Short and sweet . I have plans for drinks . If he asked with who . Say - my friends . Make yourself busy doing something else in another room happily .I would think if he keeps asking at that point maybe say with who . May be a question for vets . If you are out and he asked what you ate no I wouldn’t respond to it right away . Few hours later maybe a one word if that . My H too is a huge pusher with me spending time out of house . He always had trust in me and knew exactly what I was doing . Definitely now doesn’t like the vagueness but his choice .
Amazing both our H ‘s remain good dads to our children . We definitely have a plus with that . In the beginning I did say how divorce is not good for them too but now he’s around so much I barely even say it . More just a random S asked if you were coming for dinner . I said you had plans with so and so or work .
Does he tell you he’s going to see AP ? I only ask because you said you both agreed to be honest do you feel like you should tell him where you are going or with who .
Kristin-- thanks so much and you too! It is so nice knowing that there are other people out there who you can talk to and who are going through such similar things.
Cali-- It's weird. The past two weeks (since he got back from his last business trip) if you were a fly on the wall you would think we were totally fine. For the last few months we have actually been getting along waaaaay better than we had been over the last couple of years-- seems like we have dealt with all the minor stuff, all the resentment/anger/picking fights seems to be gone. He is way more present with me and the kids than he was a year ago and WAY more helpful around the house. Except for the one night, we haven't been intimate physically or emotionally, no R talks-- basically feel like good friends, which is what we said we wanted to work on.
Like today we met for lunch, then tonight he took the kids to soccer, coached our older daughter's team and took the younger one along so that I could go to yoga. We got home around the same time, cooked dinner together, ate as a family, cleaned up, hung out and talked a little about the timeline for his next trip, then he just went to bed.
In terms of honesty, he had told me he was NC with the AP after the BD seven weeks ago, though it wasn't because he had chosen to make it work with me (last we spoke, he doesn't know if he wants this), but because they mutually decided they couldn't pursue an R because of the circumstances. She also lives 5,000 miles away, so it isn't really like there is much real opportunity there.
According to him, they'd been NC for about 3 weeks when he told me about her. I know he contacted her once to tell her he'd told me about her, and once to tell her that he'd agreed to NC. I do actually think that was true because he's barely on Instagram and then I noticed when he went on his trip he was on IG a ton the second night he was there. He had re-followed her (had unfollowed her after BD) and checked it like every couple of hours including in the middle of the night-- I don't see why he would have done this if he'd been in contact with her all along. (Also he is kind of an idiot since she had to approve his re-follow request, so it was basically the same as texting her.) Then his IG activity slowed back down to normal and I know (well, I'm assuming, but he told me he had dinner with a mutual friend which was a lie) he had dinner with her. (For the record, I'm not proud of the stalking that resulted in me finding this all out.)
He came home two weeks ago and moved back into our bedroom (from the spare room) and hasn't said a word. So, I don't know if he's still talking to her or not. I actually really thought he would tell me just to be transparent, but he hasn't. So the honesty is not there, and he very well could be texting with her all day long.
Even so, it would still be really strange for me to refuse to tell him who I was out with. I can try to be vague but I'm terrible at being mysterious and he just asks anyway. I don't think it is in my nature. I can definitely work harder at not answering texts/phone calls right away, though.
Seems like these Hs are going through an incredible amount of turmoil, uncertainty, fear, etc... all the same emotions we're facing too but the added pressure/guilt of they're the ones doing it... and at least for my H also feeling like R with me means resigning himself to a passionless marriage since he says he can't see us back together physically.
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
And yes it is a marathon! Impatience is my biggest problem.