Sorry if I'm stating the obvious... but there's another section on the forum dedicated to piecing with some pinned suggestions. May not be tailored to your sitch, but some general advice if you haven't read it.
Mix of odd emotions today . I’m having a hard time myself just getting back into the flow of normalcy having both of us committed to M. I became very independent over the last few months with making decisions on pretty much everything by myself and for myself . If I wanted to go GAL on a Monday I just went . If I wanted new clothes I just went shopping . If I didn’t want to talk to H I just didn’t answer phone . H did spend alot of time in and out of our home and with me . But I had let go of the I guess attachment of having a committed relationship and just lived for me and the kids . Don’t want to backslide on it but at same point being in a marriage I do have to consider H opinion on things too . Maybe it’s the unknown. Planning GAL was easy I had a few days or evenings a week open as H was very active in co parenting when split .
I’m starting to think I may need IC to just sort out some of my emotions . Being a LBS teaches you that at any moment the person you trusted the most can change their mind .
H I will say has been great over last few days . No real R talks . Just loving and committed . No confusion .
I became very independent over the last few months with making decisions on pretty much everything by myself and for myself . If I wanted to go GAL on a Monday I just went . If I wanted new clothes I just went shopping . If I didn’t want to talk to H I just didn’t answer phone.
Hi Caligirl, I hope that you will NOT let go of this independent, powerful you that makes you so happy and attracted your H back. My R is back, but I still am working to get closer to where you are emotionally. An IC sounds wise and glad to hear your H is so far trying to make the process smooth and easy.
I was going to comment to the specific question you had on how to begin piecing or to slow down. I had read your story a while back and just now reread it along with other posters’ responses.
I’m no vet. Far from a model DB’er. I think my position is of being an average, every day joe who also went down this road before. I too wondered what it would look like to be piecing. I remember coming across a post from Sandi, Blu, and joe talking about the basics and starting points of what was needed to begin piecing. At that time I didn’t think I would be piecing so I didn’t press on going through the whole list and putting it to memory but it’s here somewhere if you want to see where you line up. I went to dig a little and found under the Piecing section of the forum Steve85’s piecing thread and there is a list in RR7’s reply. One thing I believe Many posters here feel is that piecing, or successsful piecing, starts when the AP is out of the picture. Then there has to be a willingness and remorse or how else would the other person be committed. They’d need to do things that satisfies most basic requirements to piecing.
For me, my W never admitted to having an Affair but I got enough to assume the worst and I chose to move forward with her and had to decide on what forgiveness meant to me. I know my wife will never be 100% honest with me and that was a cold truth I had to come to terms with. Does that mean it was enough to quit or give up and start fresh with someone else, I am also going to see an IC about my conflicting feelings to get help for that. Ultimately it would be great if she and I got the help we need and then tackle MC together. So my heart goes out to you, I hope you find the answers you need to move forward in life, together or not.
It’s tricky because while we want to hold their feet to the fire as ppl say here, we also want to keep the road home paved smooth and not scare them off. All while keeping our boundaries and sense of self worth while what they are doing to us is so damaging in all aspects of our lives, to the way we see ourselves, them, other people. It affects the way we function, from basics like eating to waking up and sleeping. The list can go on and on...
We all have these gut feelings telling us when things aren’t right or we see there are red flags. The way your H is responding right now sounds like the effects of the distance / pursuit game. You’re now the prize because you know your worth ( but you’re still confused and rightfully so because it takes a lot of time to see things clearly) and this drives him crazy. He’s intrigued. As a man, he doesn’t want another man to be in your life so he will try to win you back to keep you. That doesn’t necessarily mean however that he’s learned from all his mistakes or that he will correct all his wrongdoings going forward. I’m not saying it can’t happen but considering the short amount of time of your sitch and how he is chasing you, I just have a hunch that he could be playing games to keep you close without doing real work to change his free spirited mentality.
I’m not trying to sound mean or unhopeful. In my sitch, I was always hopeful, upbeat, pleasant and still loving life while facing a very real and possible Divorce but I dropped the fear pretty early, I think for me because of many factors (how I was raised, religion biggest one[this world we live in is temporary , all of it, our time with one another])and I grew up in some of the worst places, homeless with a mother who was a Vietnam refugee, many times no food or running water. I had hope, still do. There were rough times though. Guess what I am trying to get at is just take caution, be patient, let him do the work. Continue to ask questions and get the help.
Don’t rush the process and be wary of having too much expectations. I hope you read Steve85’s piecing thread entirety. I don’t post often much anymore but I do read and I find help in many ppl’s posts.
I hope you understand where I am coming from with your H behavior and not give in too early or easily without fully knowing everything there is to know.
I want to comment on a couple things too. Prior to him getting back into your life, you started enjoying GAL and now it seems you are doubting your GAL... because you have to consider his feelings? This is not true. You can both GAL and live together harmoniously with respect and love for one another. Be careful of manipulation here from him. You say there is no R talk but there is commitment. To some degree I would think those two things coincide.
Does he agree to full transparency? Is he willing to stop some of the behavior you had issues with. I’m past 1 year from BD and my W and I have been trying to make this work but it’s a slow pace where I sometimes question if I still want in or if I can ever trust her again. She is in IC and I will start soon. I hope we are where we are in our current timeline for the right reasons and it’s not forced. I hope for both your sakes it’s the same for you.
When I first came here clueless to all of it, I was looking for the magic bullet to save my marriage. I was watching all sorts of videos of how to win spouse back, do x z y. I picked up on other books that went against this counter -intuitive process of DB, to stop the pursuit or trying to reason with someone who wants out. My feelings were no more important than hers. I bought into DB and stopped So DB helped me find my old self again and shift my focus. You should never stop focusing on yourself.
I don’t want to sound like a Debbie Downer but I think when you say you are having a hard time getting back to normalcy, you are trying to overlook the red flags and his past behavior because you want things to go back to normal. You have righ to have those feelings and it’ll have to be new normal hopefully with a lot of positive changes on both your parts. I also question when he is now with you that your stance has suddenly changed from happy independent to now being mindful of his opinions. Is there anything he has said to control you or the sitch? Not saying he is but it can be typical behavior to consider in these cases.
You’re doing great. Continue your GAL And patient and see how much of this is about the MR and your H finding his way home.
H 49 , W 47 T 23, M 17 S11, S5 BD: 7/18 IHS: 7/18 - 3/19 Physically Separated: 3/19-4/19 Piecing: 4/19 - Current
Thank you for reading and posting on my journey . It's been such a great resource this forum and outlet for me .
I defintly agree with distance and pursuit . Over the last few months when I GAL H seemed to have a hard time with it . I think exactly what you said my prize just walked out the door . Last week I went out with some friends . H was quite sick that day . I offered to hire a sitter but he declined . I realized when I got into the car after 4-5 hours out I had not phoned to check on kids . I brushed it off and thought about the years I've have heard I'm overly protective or worrisome about children . He really disliked it . I drove home and walked in the door happy as ever . And truly happy I really had a great time . I walk upstairs and H is in bed crying and just broken . I was actually kind of stunned . He was just done . That's when he said he was going to move home .
I think for me I had a lot of alone time without children . It was easy to make plans knowing when I was free and he had parenting time or kids for a few days . I have never been one to spend as much time out of the home away from kids as I have over the last few months . For me this is going to be a balance .
R talks are mainly about things we are doing in future . I may have to rethink R talks because I always thought they were about us working things out or not . His confusion . Where now they seem to be more soft . Maybe 5-10 mins we will chat about something that went wrong or right . He did get me with one today . Im just still so off maybe a little short . He was out of house all day and all the phone calls and texts were started by him . He started with how he's really hopeful for us . I validated that he wants to do this right and work hard in MC. That he is scared too . Aren't we all just scared .....
I didn't ask for full transparency . Mainly because I can search his phone , emails , gps but if they want to cheat they will find a way . I could ask him for his phone and he would willing hand it to me .
Behavior he agreed even before stating he wanted to come home to change it . I don't even know if I asked . More he came to the conclusion of what in the world was I thinking . I am by far not a warden but the late nights every other day not happening ever again . Time will tell on this one .
He hasn't asked or said me for anything I can think of to control sitch. I can GAL as much as I want or don't . I am a very mindful person so it could be more me making sure it's ok doing things or feeling off about it . I am still very independent but I see your view on doing things with respect .
Today I realized this is my new normal . I do not have security in my marriage and it may come back it may not .
I will read what blu attached as a link .
You seem lik such a strong person with a lot of faith . I didn't take anything you said as mean or abrasive . I am here for help and advice . I ll take everything I can get .
Mix of odd emotions today . I’m having a hard time myself just getting back into the flow of normalcy having both of us committed to M. I became very independent over the last few months with making decisions on pretty much everything by myself and for myself . If I wanted to go GAL on a Monday I just went . If I wanted new clothes I just went shopping . If I didn’t want to talk to H I just didn’t answer phone . H did spend alot of time in and out of our home and with me . But I had let go of the I guess attachment of having a committed relationship and just lived for me and the kids . Don’t want to backslide on it but at same point being in a marriage I do have to consider H opinion on things too . Maybe it’s the unknown. Planning GAL was easy I had a few days or evenings a week open as H was very active in co parenting when split .
Cali, first congrats on getting to piecing! I never made it but those that do say it's the hardest work of all, so keep in mind you've both got a rough road ahead. Regarding your GAL, you should by all means continue to do so. I would look at this early phase as "dating" rather than resuming "being married". So if you want to go shopping then do so. Want to GAL on a Monday then go for it. You don't want to talk to H then don't answer the phone. ALL OF THAT is probably a big factor in why he wanted to recon, because he realized you were high value and he was missing out. So keep that up.
Should you consider his opinions? Well yes, but that doesn't mean you have to ask his permission every time you want to go shopping or GAL. Remember, HE needs to do the hard work to earn you back, not you. You aren't the one that left.
Things are holding steady . Calmness and some of the new normal setting in . I’ve read the piecing threads and started to start texting or calling just a little more . H still the main one who starts conversations. I have started to say ILY as he has been more too .
H did go out late one evening . Brought it up few days ahead of time . Just to watch some sporting event which is just fine with me . He did let me know where he would be and with who . Didn’t really feel the need to verify so I didn’t .
Weekend is almost here . I’m going to try to make some GAL plans . I’m thinking I may GAL with the kids . Feel like just loving on them extra .
I will say that our brains work in weird ways. Now that you have him back, your brain is looking for negatives. I know how this works. I notice how well you realize what is going on and you're able to articulate it, good for you. I would go slow on the increase in "needing him" just like you are doing.
Just wanted to send some support your way!
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
