Talks about reconciling he’s continuing to just say he’s fearful . Maybe we are better together . Maybe we are better apart . I validate about fears . Just saying yes it can be frightening.
Good. Don't steer him in any particular direction, just listen and validate.
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But I’m starting to notice maybe I am giving too much of my positive side and it may be unknowingly pursuit . Because my input is met with silence . Almost as if I need to make these R talks one sided . He talks .... I just listen . Give not much back .
Yes exactly. Don't offer your own opinion, just let him talk and you just listen. He's trying to sort things out in his head and is just talking to you to hear himself out loud.
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But he’s still so confused. Says it . Believe none of what they say ? Half of what they do ? I don’t even know which half to believe. The half when he’s with me and peaceful or the half when he leaves .
Definitely believe him when he says he's confused, because that part is true for sure.
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Low n behold he walks in with sweets for me . Goal definitely for me is to learn not to smother someone . Baby steps today but felt good.
Throw me some 2x4s I may need a few
Not sure you need them, you're doing pretty well it sounds like! He's starting to pursue so your DB'ing is working. This isn't the time to break into pursuit because if you do he'll run. Just keep up your DB'ing and celebrate the baby steps internally. This would be a good time to increase GAL. Go out with some friends and dress to kill, let him see you leaving. It'll eat him up.
Thanks for the positive take ! Much appreciated . Today I was asked outright what I wanted . Went south pretty fast . Unfortunately H expressed he would rather live in limbo then come to terms with how he feels and make a new R or completely walk away. This came randomly after him asking random things “ temp checks “and hours after the convo he started that went south with my positive take on life and marriage . He threw some other nonsense in there I didn’t respond to . Maybe to get a bite ? Not even a nibble given .Then put out he wants to live in the moment and him thinking about making any decision tears him up that he’s content in 2 worlds . Total fog , cake eater whatever we wish to call it . Again I didn’t respond . Wasn’t really a question and I don’t know how to validate being in limbo and don’t really agree with it . So I said nothing .
This morning I feel good . Starting to see more that sometimes just not saying anything is better for my internal peace. Separating my emotions from H allows me time really to process my own and does help with being ok to disagree without a big fight and have my own calmness . Learning not to let a new emotion of mine or H over take me is hard but I feel like I’m starting to see the good it does me or even both of us .Even if GAL is taking a 20 minute bath it still some time I invested in myself . Helps me organize my emotions or sometimes just put them away for a bit .
After last night of me not knowing what to say so I said nothing . H again came in and temp checked on if I was up to going out on a date . He stood there for a little just waiting . This month is a complete 180 for him inviting me out so much and really being present during our time together . Not getting too hopeful because this could just be a wrinkle and he ll be on the run again in no time . I accepted which is a 180 for me because it was late and normally this would stress me going out so late and having a long tired day next day . He poked a little trying to get me to complain it was late. No bite . What was odd was during this he was packing his belongings up to not come back for a few nights . I almost blurted out - you know why don’t you go alone . I didn’t . This is a marathon not a sprint keep my head in the game . To my surprise he walks over and just lays on my lap almost like a child and says “ please just give me time I’m so scared “. So I just kissed his head . No words spoken . Out the door we went for our date .
you got this Caligirl! Keep it up-- love how you are able to process and separate your emotions from his-- I find that really helps me too when I can step back and think without reacting. This forum is great for helping on that front for me at least.
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
GAL today was super fun . Some much needed time with Son . Haunted hayride . Had a blast .
So H has been here last 5 nights . He has auto immune disease that knocks him out for weeks been on going for last 5 years on and off .. Luckily he has tons of stocked vacation time . He’s openly admitted he’s depressed . Has a few hours a day where he’s functional . Mainly he sleeps all day perks up in evening . Today he seemed better . A long habit of mine was to constantly call or check in . I left work knew he would be gone before I came home . He had man plans. So I decided not to call him . This has been one of my 180s give him space and pay no mind to his activities. Even though now he tells me just about all of them now .I just wish him well . He called me to check in . I laughed to myself . Tells me some of his plans with with his friends . Kept convo light . Cut it short . Off I went to GAL .
Yesterday he was in car with me talking on phone with his sister . They are pretty close. She has never been my greatest fan and would love nothing more than to see us remain apart. He expressed this is a source of stress with reconciliation facing his sister . I knew she asked about me I was sitting next to him . For the first time in months I heard this :I really appreciate everything my W has done for me the past few weeks . She’s been great . I thought an alien had jumped in the car but nope it was my H. The one I fell in love with and married . Even if only for just a few minutes . He got off phone pretty quickly because I’m sure that didn’t sit well with her and he just grabbed my hand . He said maybe I needed to get sick to calm down . To see who really will be there for me . Who knows me and loves me. Who gets it. It was directed at me who has always been his care taker when he’s down and never has said a complaint about it . I gave no response didn’t even know what to say so I smiled and changed subject to something random . It’s an odd thing . I started saying thank you more (180) when he does something kind or something just small . He’s now parroting some of this . I don’t ever think I have heard thank you so much out of this man . I’m noticing little things he would stay a night and be so against doing laundry here . Who knows why . That way I’m pretty easy going . He’s continued to co parent . Pay his share of bills in home and with children . My goodness like wash your clothes . Nope . I ignored it . Let it go and said ok you wanna drive all over to wash your clothes feel free . Low and behold I look over and his laundry is sitting mixed in my basket with mine in master bedroom. My towels folded too . Now I wonder is he ever going to say I want to move home or just never leave??? But there’s a huge part of me screaming it’s good while he’s down but when he’s up he runs hard and fast .
Reality is this we are far from reconciliation. I’m not sure if he wants to . Words say yes and no . Actions have been more towards yes . But believe only 50%. Curious to see how this goes . He could walk in the door late tonight or not at all . I didn’t even ask if he was coming back . He could run really hard after some man time - usually his pattern . He could stay just the same in limbo. No expectations but maybe just a little bit of hope . I saw to post hope on this board and not talk to spouses about it.So I’m gonna say I see just a little bit of hope coming from H that this M may reconcile .
Weekend was fun as always . Some family time and some GAL. GAL I’m finding I need to keep up just to keep my emotions in check . Gives me time just to breathe and not think too much .
Got into a few R talk over the weekend . H started . Don’t know if it’s really a talk when you just listen . I’m not super strong at Validating so really just listening is easier sometimes . First one was a definite R check on his part . Not a doubt in me he’s trying to pull out my feelings . Nope ! Goes like this “H - so we seem to really like to spend time together “ Me- yes seems so . Saved at that point by a babysitter call . Changed subject after phone call for awhile .Again H - so what were we talking about before the sitter called . Me- I have no idea . H - oh how we like spending time together . Me again - yes . A little bit of him grasping and then I changed subject . Next day -MC was brought up by H and think we should go . I stated I am open to it only if the mind set from both of us is this is to R our marriage not end it . H agreed that is the purpose . Voiced he was so sure months ago when he moved out that he wanted nothing to do with being married ever again and now he’s just sorry . He asked who I was talking too that’s made me so calm and happy . Awkward!!!! Couldn’t say DB forum . Just said I talk to someone . I stopped the R talk after about 10 mins .
So now my dilemma. H has really been kind , sweet talking , pet naming , spending a lot of time with me . Almost as when you first date someone . But is this real or an act ? Ever get that little voice telling you there’s something Just isn’t quite right ?
Been a super stressful start to the week . GAL is on the horizon though . Looking forward to just getting out and de-stressing over the upcoming weekend . Some much needed time with my gal pals planned .
H continues to increase talk about reconciliation. Though not anything solid and no real plan on his part . Confusion , depression , limbo still very clear . I’ve tried to increase my validation . Using phrases I have found on here has been a life saver in those moments of not knowing what to say .
My PMA has been noticed by H but also helps me stay grounded for my own sanity and well being . Feels good to smile and just walk away . This week my goal was to learn to be softer spoken . It’s a struggle to be a good listener but with patience and practice it’s who I strive to be .
I feel as though H is testing me . My noticed changes he’s stated . Will try and twist the way I reacted to something or turn me saying nothing into “ I know you are mad”. I just don’t bite.
R talks are hard . It’s really hard not to give all your emotions up to someone you have always been so upfront with . On Sunday night he looked at me and said do you know I have never loved anyone the way I love you . I just smiled but I wanted to reply well I hope you never love anyone the same way because I wouldn’t want anyone to feel the same pain I’ve been put through .
Sending good vibes your way, Caligirl!! Stay strong and stay the course... obviously I'm not a vet but from reading here seems like sometimes folks backslide by jumping too quickly at R before their WAS is really ready-- super impressed with how you are handling this. Great job!!
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
Had a great day today . Accomplished a lot at work and home . PMA is a great tool for me . Not only with Relationships at home it’s helped me at work .
Last night H kept digging at me for what I was thinking about . I tried the make myself busy , change the subject and just walk away saying nothing much . No avail . Once corned I will say I caved . Go ahead with some 2x4s. I said I don’t like being stuck with no clear path in our marriage . H responded with we have a path this is getting fixed . We are going to work on this . Find a marriage counselor I’m all in . Keep the pace slow but we are together .
So now how to approach this .... I know H physically is going through a lot auto immune disease still really beating him up . Yesterday was complete mental breakdown for him. Completely broken . Admitted he went to hard partying and shows some real regret and can’t wrap his head around how I’m still standing and not full of hate .
