[Ske0187]

I’m glad you had a good time GALing! I have to say that was a masterful job getting back out of the house. He was probably dumbfounded.
Keep your chin up and have faith this will work. I have to keep telling myself that daily. Hourly even.

[Caligirl]

I took some time to re read the lighthouse . The part in the story where it says but I know this so you can’t hurt me really just touched me today . I got more of the “ kids need to get used to both of us not being there for them “. I didn’t even respond to that part of his message the rationale of H blaming me for taking a little bit to call our son back because some how I wanted time alone . Non sense

Praise .... H spent time at home with kids over a few days though I distanced. Is this something to praise . The children really enjoy it . H enjoys it too . So hard to keep a friendly neighbor or act as if but give praise. Then somewhere I read to praise the good .

Still doing pursuit and distance dance . Me doing more GAL today . Another great day with friends and also time with son .

Boundaries are tough but I’m starting to come to terms with them . I can no longer be weak or jump at crumbs .

[Caligirl]

This week I have been asked by h are you mad at me a few times .... I don’t feel as if I’m being cold . Just continuing with some DB. I get off the phone first not harshly just saying ok I will talk to you later. Im working on being a better listener and just being quiet when he’s around . I’m starting to notice he tries to explain his actions more . Even apologized for a hurtful statement he made that was way out of line . Rather then blow my lid I ended the convo quickly and went silent . I’ve come to the point that I will no longer allow him to say hurtful things . My silence appears to have the most impact not only on him but mainly helps me not to allow it into my well being . Continues to want to spend time together . Right now if there’s an A there’s no signs of it . He’s not withdrawn , distant or cold . Almost the opposite . Attentive , calls, texts , visits frequently . I’m still holding steady on the distance stance for myself . He’s living in 2 worlds. Mainly ours together but the few days he’s not here the other . He’s openly admitting the grass isn’t so green . The detached part of me knows this is who he is right now so I will just continue on my path . He may catch up . He may not .Going to GAL today and it is much needed !!!!!

[Traveler]

I’m starting to notice he tries to explain his actions more . Even apologized for a hurtful statement he made that was way out of line . Rather then blow my lid I ended the convo quickly and went silent . I’ve come to the point that I will no longer allow him to say hurtful things . My silence appears to have the most impact not only on him but mainly helps me not to allow it into my well being .

GAL today and it is much needed !!!!!

You sound in a really healthy place. May you and me and everyone else here have a great GAL day!

[Caligirl]

So after GAL last night which was great as always I ended up going on a date with H. Great time as always ( is enjoying dates has never been an issue ). So as I was getting ready to leave to go to my home I’ve been noticing he becomes clingy . Takes deep breaths . Just stares at me . But I proceed to say I had a great time . I’m gonna head home and leave . All I can say is this is by far the hardest thing I have done . I smiled and pulled away . Then come the texts and phone calls from him . Maybe temp checks ?? I would normally poor my heart out but didn’t . Even though I was crying driving when he called I quickly pulled it together . Then he initiates a R talk . Telling me living in 2 worlds is slowly killing him . He actually admitted to having a part of him wanting to come home but doesn’t trust we won’t fall back into the same patterns and have toxic fights . But also admitted the part of just wanting to not try anymore . I tried validating but did awful . I think I was caught off guard . I didn’t argue but said I’m never gonna ask you to come home that’s a decision only you can make . He has really started to spend more time with me and at home but I got that feeling he’s about to run hard the other way . What will be shall be .

[Traveler]

Telling me living in 2 worlds is slowly killing him . He actually admitted to having a part of him wanting to come home but doesn’t trust we won’t fall back into the same patterns and have toxic fights . But also admitted the part of just wanting to not try anymore . I tried validating but did awful. I didn’t argue but said I’m never gonna ask you to come home that’s a decision only you can make .

It sounds like you did brilliantly. You were crying.. but you held it together.. still made an attempt.. and doesn't sound like you said anything that would worsen the situation. You can only expect so much of yourself. Part of the responsibility for a HappyEnding rests on him, as you say. I hope he chooses wisely!

[Caligirl]

I think what’s really bothering me is he doesn’t admit any fault . The late night partying .The barely speaking to each other for days . Being cold . I pointed out the last month he’s different when he’s here . He kisses me . Plans things . Doesn’t have this run out of the house mentality when he’s here . Seems focused on our family and R. His response was I’m no different . So I tried to validate and just said ok your not different but maybe I see you different . There’s no new R unless you embrace your failures and faults . We both agreed over the past month neither one has brought up R. I simply stated because we both have been working on our foundation together . Easily agreed. There is no M without it . Just feel like I got a bad vibe from entire convo and should have maybe cut it off earlier but who knows .

[ovrrnbw]

So after GAL last night which was great as always I ended up going on a date with H. Great time as always ( is enjoying dates has never been an issue ). So as I was getting ready to leave to go to my home I’ve been noticing he becomes clingy . Takes deep breaths . Just stares at me . But I proceed to say I had a great time . I’m gonna head home and leave . All I can say is this is by far the hardest thing I have done . I smiled and pulled away . Then come the texts and phone calls from him . Maybe temp checks ?? I would normally poor my heart out but didn’t . Even though I was crying driving when he called I quickly pulled it together . Then he initiates a R talk . Telling me living in 2 worlds is slowly killing him . He actually admitted to having a part of him wanting to come home but doesn’t trust we won’t fall back into the same patterns and have toxic fights . But also admitted the part of just wanting to not try anymore . I tried validating but did awful . I think I was caught off guard . I didn’t argue but said I’m never gonna ask you to come home that’s a decision only you can make . He has really started to spend more time with me and at home but I got that feeling he’s about to run hard the other way . What will be shall be .

I think you are doing great. Seriously. I know your heart is telling you to pursue, to reach out and pull him in close to tell him how much you care... I am choked up just thinking about that. But you are strong. You did resist that urge because deep down you know he isn't ready. Work on being the most attractive Caligirl you can be!!

The fact that he is questioning his decision is good. He may try to goad you into arguments so that you can be the boogeyman he needs to blame. Don't do it. Don't get in the way of him questioning what he's doing.

I love that you told him you aren't going to ask him to come home. Very strong.

[Caligirl]

I continue on this path of DB still having doubts that I’m not going about this right . Detachment is a hard process when someone is increasing the amount of time home . Hard to gal last few days as gal takes away from parenting time some days .

H has continued to talk R . Starts the R talks . I still never begin them . Talks about reconciling he’s continuing to just say he’s fearful . Maybe we are better together . Maybe we are better apart . I validate about fears . Just saying yes it can be frightening. But I’m starting to notice maybe I am giving too much of my positive side and it may be unknowingly pursuit . Because my input is met with silence . Almost as if I need to make these R talks one sided . He talks .... I just listen . Give not much back . I’m a talker so ahhhhhh that’s hard .He told me he loved me for the first time in months . I have to detach more with yes he felt that for the moment or maybe it’s been lingering the more I show my true happy loving caring self . But he’s still so confused. Says it . Believe none of what they say ? Half of what they do ? I don’t even know which half to believe. The half when he’s with me and peaceful or the half when he leaves .

Today was a challenge I met him with kids . I left with them . I knew he had to come back to grab a few things for work . I leave he’s still parked in car . Now normally I would call him or ask why it took over an hour for him to drive 5 mins . I didn’t . I went home . Started dinner . Cleaned . Low n behold he walks in with sweets for me . Goal definitely for me is to learn not to smother someone . Baby steps today but felt good.

Throw me some 2x4s I may need a few

[may22]

Hey Caligirl, just wanted to say hang in there!! You are strong and doing great! I see a lot of similarities in our situations and I also find it really hard to GAL and act detached when the H is home and being sweet/friendly/fun, plus when GAL means giving up time with the kids. My main differences are that I know there was an EA and as of the last R talk he still has feelings for her; mine is living at home (just moved back to the bedroom a couple of weeks ago) but isn't talking about our R like yours is. Reading through your thread is really motivating for me-- thank you for keeping up your posting. You are a great example! One thing I might share that could be helpful in your situation too- I am talking with a DB coach and she suggested treating him like a beloved houseguest (maybe a little more connected than with a friendly neighbor?) and also that spending fun quality time together as a family is good, OK to compliment him on things like being a good dad (especially if that is a 180 for you), all as long as you are avoiding pursuing behaviors and words. Of course our situations are not exactly the same but close enough that her advice might be helpful for you too.