I spoke to my cousin today and the neurologist said it was a very small stroke and she should have minimal effects. But they don’t know why she is seizing. I really hope it stops and she wakes up.
The weekends without gabby are rough on me. Too much alone time. I will be better off working on them. Last year was fun at this time. I miss it. We had just started dating and he back then he wanted to see me all weekend and took the chances he got to see me. I should have known when he wanted to see me less that something was up, but I just thought I was giving him space to do his thing and have his alone time. I believed his words that he wanted to be with me. I got the urge to tell him is miss his son and I hoped all was well with him. But I didn’t.
And now for some comic relief. I went to D12’s game and the ex hands me a baggie of M&M’s. You’ll never believe it. They had his face on the! They were from his 40tth birthday party. He saved some for me. I took one out and chomped on his head. Who gives their ex wife. Bag of M&M’s with their face on it?!? I wonder sometimes if my life could get any weirder. I brought my dog to the game. My ex also loves my dog. Which I guess is good because he will watch him when I’m away for the wedding. His mom is actually going to come stay for 2 nights at my house with D12 and the dog when I’m away. It’ll be easier for her.
I was talking to his wife and she was talking to be about something regarding D12 and her aunt and she referred to D12 as “ our child” and it irked me. She isn’t your child, woman. But she also told me about how ex was mean to my daughter yesterday and she took care of it. So what am I going to do? Tonight was homecoming where they present all the 8th graders and their family walks them on the field . Next year that will be D12. I realize I am going to have to include his wife. It’s the right thing to do. The right thing isn’t always the easiest thing to do. But I pretty much have gotten used to sacrificing my feelings to do the right thing by others. What a martyr I am, lol. It’s partially selfish, I hope the good karma will come back around to me one day.
The truth is, right now I feel like I would give anything to be where I was last year. I want it all back. But I can’t have it and it kind of stinks.
Tomorrow is my usual Sunday of grocery shopping during he giants game ( grocery store is empty then) and yard work. Then I will cook myself dinner and eat alone. Heck, maybe I’ll take myself out to dinner.
Last edited by job; 09/22/1901:55 PM. Reason: added link to previous thread
I would take anything that your xh's wife says w/a grain of salt. Her telling you that your xh was mean to your daughter sounds to me like she is trying to drive a wedge between the two of you. Ask yourself this, if your xh was mean to your daughter, why would you tell the xw about it?Maybe she senses that you two are getting along nicely and she's not happy about it. She may feel insecure.
I do think it's great that your xmil is going to come take care of your daughter and the dog. At least their routines will remain the same.
Take yourself out to dinner...you owe it to yourself.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Wow job, I didn’t even think that would be her intention. I probably give her too much credit when she pretty much deserves minimal. I often have to remember how she came into my daughters life. She did not come in in a moral just way. She wasn’t the woman he met after divorce. She’s the woman he met while I was pregnant with our IVF child. I am finally confident that my daughter knows who is her mom and who has been there for her since day one. Our R is super strong. I am pretty certain his wife does feel insecure. He even asked her to watch D12 so we could go to a concert together . I sure as heck would not be Ok with that if the roles were reversed.
KML, thank you. I should go out and buy a lottery ticket. I sure could use the money. I just keep trying to do what’s right and hope the rest falls into place
Today I decided to take on the project that M and I were going to do. A different tAke on it, but hard work, nonetheless. My best friend came over and we removed the wood and 25 cinderblocks from the ground. Yesterday I cut out all the super tall weeds and her husband then came over and cleared out some of the rock. I basically need someone to remove the wood and cinder blocks that we piled up and then through out the course of the week, I’m going to fill the hole with dirt. Then I’m going to seed it and I hope to regrow grass there. I am incredibly impressed by our hard work and heavy lifting. Us women did the bulk of it. It’s 88 degrees here and we got super dirty in the insane heat. I bought them both lunch for all the help. I feel so proud of the work we did. I don’t need M for this. What I needed him for he couldn’t be there for. The physical stuff was easy for him. Being there emotionally and present was impossible for him. I kind of wish I could show him the work we did and shove it in his face. But I’m just going to sit here and be proud now.
I’m exhausted and I’ll take a nap then maybe do some more stuff later. I have a feeling I’ll be super sore tomorrow.
It might not work for you, but it's amazing what people will take if you put a "free" sign on it. I got rid of a big stack of cinder blocks and bricks a few years ago that way.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
No one can see my house, so “free” signs don’t work. But the guy came and took all the cinder blocks out and will come back tomorrow for the wood. He’s like a 65 year old biker dude who smells, and D12 said he looks like dirty Santa, but hey, he gets the job done and fast. I’m excited to complete the project. D13 is going to help me pour dirt this upcoming Sunday.
Work was good today, we have a manageable case load and I got out on time. I applied for my second job. I told D12 about it and she said she’s really sad that I have to work that hard. I think she’s understanding a little more of what i go through to give us the life we have.
I continue to begrudgingly miss M and his family. Or at least what it was in the beginning. I had my facebook memory pop up of our 5th date where we went kayaking and fishing and it was the first time in my life. He told me my excitement made me look beautiful. I often wonder what happened to the man I met. Where it all went wrong and where it changed. It’s unreal he is just gone , they are just gone and he probably doesn’t even think twice about us. I just want to be over it already. I should be, but I’m not. I wish I could be one of those people who just move on and say “your loss”
Because it is his loss. But I’m feeling the loss too.
Put this on an index card and stick it on the visor of your car so you see it every day:
YOU DODGED A BULLET
Seriously, whatever is wrong with him, why ever this happened, you dodged a bullet and he's not the droid you were looking for.
(When I was dating the first guy I dated after my divorce, the Love Avoidant guy, I put a card in my visor that said "He's just not that into you". It was true - although we are still friends - and seeing it often helped me keep my keel.)
I think I am sick of dating bullets. I for once want to date something I don’t consider dieting aye to have dodged. I wish I didn’t get in as deep as I did.
I think this is a big part of it. You are so ready and wanting it so much that some part of you is not seeing or not wanting to see what is in front if you - or not believe it. I know I tried to say several times that I thought there was something going on with him - even trying to put myself in his shoes but you wanting it so much somehow lead you to overlook things and give him a pass. I think you passed it off as or rationalized it as putting in the time or giving him time because he was going to be worth it in the end.
It really is lucky or as KML said dodging a bullet that he made the decision to stop it for you or it may still be going. You really did dodge a bullet. But there is other bright sides too. You dodged this bullet to be available for someone else. You have your stuff together in what you are willing to give and offer. You have a lot put together that makes you a catch. You now just have to learn to expect more - or demand more, even though demand sounds harsh. The guy has to earn it now. No more benefit of the doubt. He needs to prove himself and earn it. Believe what they show you. M started out showing you one thing but then started showing you something else - only you still saw his initial self.
I hope you are able to continue NOT reching out to M. He does not deserve it. These feelings will pass. You will feel better. It's just hard to think you have something but then find out you don't. It's not you, it's him and you did dodge a bullet - just let it help you down the road.
Huge hugs Ginger. Even with the struggles you are handling this and life very well. You should be very proud of yourself.
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
G - I like what DH said....expect more, hold men that you let enter into your life to the highest standards.
I know you loved M's family however outside of that what made him a catch? Emotionally stable? Financially successful? Amazing follow through? What was it about him that made you see such a wonderful, amazing future together? What did you value in him?
In the beginning he held me in very high regard. He put forth effort , wanted to see me, etc. our 4th date he picked up with me and helped me move a literal ton of hardwood. Who would do that? He helped me move. He often told me he though he was fortunate to have met me and acted like it for a little while. He has a decent career although he makes less than I. He was laid back, and what I thought was non-judgemental and seemed empathetic.
His true colors started to come out. He actually is judgemental. He really is extremely self centered . What I needed from his that he absolutely didn’t offer was emotional support, consideration of my needs and for it to not be about him all the time. He was just so wrapped up in his own world, he didn’t really even get to know me so much. I knew him, but he didn’t know me. I never got a word in edgewise and when I did, he cut me off.
I always give the benefit of the doubt because I end of feeling like maybe I’m just being needy or high maintainence. I need to really hold myself in high regard and when I am feel like I am not anymore, I’m going to address it and not buy an BS anymore.
He was not in a good place to offer partnership. I know that. He liked having someone who was there for him when he needed it, someone that didn’t require anything in return and was available when convenient. I do believe he wants a girlfriend, but one that goes along with his agenda and thinks only his life is important and priority. I also do believe he did have a hard time separating dealing with his ex and loving me. He’s got a whole lot of work to do. And he may never do it.
I do miss his family. I miss the companionship. I miss the thought of something long term. Beyond that, he wasnt offering me much. Something was missing for him because he didn’t really bother getting to know me. Which is pretty sad after a year.
I’m just lonely and dreading starting all over again. But I have remember I was lonely in the relationship too. I miss his son so much.
In good news, my aunt is off the vent and she is awake! She’s moving and everything! She doesn’t even remember having the surgery, lol. I’m so happy for her and her family. My cousin sent me a picture of her smiling .
I do hope you all are right and I have opened the door for the opportunity for the right guy to walk in. Not just any guy, but the right guy.
Don and J9 made excellent points so I don't even think I can add anything. You are worth it, so believe it and make the guy earn it.
I wanted to go back to your post from a few days ago when you were talking about D12's step-mother. Someone pointed out that the things she said might be a way for her to kind of drive a wedge between you and XH and that may very well be the case. I don't know the woman or anything about her so have no clue what her motives might or might not be. Having said all that, though, let me offer yet another opinion, from a step-mother's perspective. (And let me preface it with the fact that I am NOT defending her or your XH or how they came to be because that was a bad deal all the way around on both of their parts.) Regardless of how good a relationship you have with your current spouse and their child with another person, step-parents are usually somehow seen as "less than". If you haven't been a step-parent, you likely don't realize it and I don't think parents even do it consciously (though some totally do because they are douches, but that is a whole other chapter). So, D12's step-mom will always play 4th, 5th, 6th string behind mom, dad, biological grandparents and that can be a tough place to be. My take on what she was saying/doing is that she's trying to somehow find an ally in you so that you will see that she does have D12's best interests at heart. Maybe she thinks if she tells you things about your XH, you'll feel like she's "got your back" or whatever and you'll soften towards her a little bit. Again, not defending your XH or how she came to be part of his life because that is all despicable on both their parts, but the fact remains that she is now still currently a part of her life which makes her a part of D12's life as long as she and her father have a relationship and he continues to be married to this woman.
I can't even imagine the sacrifice that it is to "share" your child with a step-parent. I have not had the privilege of having a baby myself so maybe some would argue that I can't really know the power of a mother's love. Which is another thing that step-parents face, particularly if they have never had their own child. I would counter that with the fact that just because I didn't carry someone inside my body, doesn't mean that I can't feel a strong love and instinct to always protect them and do the best for them. I didn't carry my daughters, but I guarantee you if there was some way to tangibly measure the love I feel for them against the love that their mother who did carry them feels for them, my love would absolutely be equal to hers in every way.
You are doing an amazing job raising D12 and you are giving her a very positive role model to follow in her life. It would be nice if her father's wife would do the same and try to be a positive example. Children, and girls in particular, really cannot have enough positivity and empowering role models to set a shining example of how to grow to be a strong, successful woman.
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
Ginger, I think you are very on target with your assessments - most all of them. I can't really argue with and I have to agree with most of it. It did seem like he started out really well, but then as time went on, his true colors started to come out. Well, I have to say it, that's typical. That's what many people do - whether intentionally or not - and in all sorts of situations. This is why it's so, so, so important for people to take a lot of time and pay a lot of attention as people start to reveal their true self - and they often will - both good or bad. It's not always that they reveal a bad true self - sometimes it's after a year or two that you say, wow, this is the really the true person I thought he was in the beginning and it's great! Sometimes it's the opposite.
As for giving the benefit of the doubt, Dr. Phil (the TV guy) wrote a book called "Life Code" in where he talks specifically about this. He says that if it even was ever good advice, giving the benefit of the doubt is outdated and should never be done today. It's not the best book I've ever read but worth your time in reading it. He talks about "BAITERS" (Backstabbers, Abusers, Imposters, Takers, Exploiters and Reckless). Not sure M was a Baiter (or not) but the point he makes is it's "insane to give people the benefit of the doubt" instead we should watch, collect data, and make an informed decision on them rather than give them the benefit of the doubt until proven otherwise. You may want to take a look at this book.
I think you are getting it though but that's outside of the R. When you were in it, you didn't see these things, or somehow got yourself to ignore them - or given them the benefit of the doubt. All you need to do now is see it while you are in it. I know it's a tall order as I do the same thing. I can see BAITERS and the like a mile off, but put me in an R with one and it's much harder. Although, at this stage in my life, if anything, I don't give anyone the benefit of the doubt and no one meets my standards. That's not good either, but it is what it is.
Dawn's comments on the step parent really hit home as well, as I am one. When Ginger first brought this up it hit me, hmmmm I wonder if my "kids" dad thought of me this way? People really don't understand it if they are not it in. I've been divorced for near 13 years now but I still have an R with the "kids" who are now 32 and 34. Many people don't get it. Why would I still have an R with the children of someone I've not seen in years or been married two in a dozen plus years? At this point I was with their mom for about 12 years while they have been in my life for near 25. It's hard to understand it if you are not in it. I never tried to replace their bio dad, but always did try to do my best and have been told by at least my step-daughter and friends and family of hers multiple times that I made a huge impact on her growing up. I'm very proud of that. The kids are named in part of my will. Again, many will look at me like, huh????? Why would you do that? Because they really are "my kids" - just as Dawn says it about her daughters. Would you not name your children in your will? So as Dawn says, we don't know what this woman's motivations are, but if she doesn't have a bio child herself, if she's like Dawn or I, she likely thinks of D13 as her own. Hard as that is for you Ginger, it really is a good thing. It doesn't excuse what she did - not in the least. But it also doesn't automatically make her wrong about everything. She may very well have your D's back - I'm betting she does. To her, this is the only child she will ever have so she may well treat her like her own - just like someone like me or Dawn does, many, many years later. I hope that shines a little additional insight.
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
Even though I wasn’t a stepparent, I got close with the 2 of the kids of guys I dated. ExNG was a whatever parent and liked me to parent. I was the one she went to when she was sick or had nightmares. He was just fine with that. He wanted a woman who take on that parent role, mostly because she was the 4th child and he was older and his other children were grown. He was kind of “done” he was more than ok when we went on a trip together and he hung out with his friends and I took care of his daughter in the room when she got a super bad sunburn. One thing I was always mindful of was her mother who was a great mom. I always put myself in her shoes.
Then there was M and his son. He was a parent who wanted to be perfect and wanted more than anything for his kid to like him the most. He wanted everything done his way and I had no input. He would make comments about me never telling his son what to do. On vacation I made sure to know my place.i wasn’t even able to tell him where the fish were when he was playing with his net in the water ( and his son wanted me to). M was jealous when his son chose me to sit by or to hold hands when crossing the street. I can’t imagine what it would have been like in the long run. And even though his mom was a nut, I also always stayed mindful of her too. She’s the mom.
But I can tell you, even in the short tome I got with those kids, my love for them was strong. They had my heart. We had our secret little jokes between us and they were just for us.
So being the mom with my child having a stepparent, I knew how it felt.
I do believe if she would have come into my daughters life the moral way, I wouldn’t have my doubts about her intentions. This is a woman who knowingly dated a married guy with a baby on the way. I can’t forget that. Even with that considered, I do take into consideration how her role as a stepparent must be difficult. It’s a thankless job for sure. And I am sure my ex isn’t too thankful. Which is why I am going to ask her to walk on the field with us at 8thgrade homecoming . I know she is protecting my daughter on some level from my ex, which I can’t do, because I am not there. I am also mindful of that. But I’ll always know how she came to be in her position as stepparent, so my eyes will always be wide open.
And regarding m. I saw it. I saw it while I was in it. A close friend knows and I often confided in him. His true colors began to shine after we introduced kids. I saw it. He freaked after everything went great for our weekend away. He blamed his freak out by “overthinking where his son was involved” but I think what really did it was that he knew he was going to have to step it up with me. And instead of stepping it up with me, he backed off instead and became ultra selfish. He hasn’t dealt with the ending of his marriage. I’m not talking about the end of his family unit, he hasn’t dealt with the end of him and his ex wife. But I wanted to give him time because I know that stuff is hard. So I thought some time and space and letting him do his thing would help. But it didn’t. It just got worse. I couldn’t just cut the cord with our kids involved. I’m probably too much of a wimp. I don’t want to hurt anybody.
But Dr. Phil is on to something. I don’t think he was a baiter, but he was the reckless taker. I don’t believe he comes from a bad place, but from a place where he never dealt with a lot of stuff. And he is not strong enough or man enough to be in a real relationship with someone like me. I think he knew it. And so he is gone. And my hope is he works through his stuff rather than cover it up with pot and projects. I hope he regains the ability to love deeply again. I don’t think something was “missing” except his ability to be all in with a woman like me.
I’m a tall order to love a woman like me. Not because I’m difficult or high maintanence. Because I am out of mists league relationship wise. I’ll say it, even though it sounds kind of stuck up. But to love a woman who’s been through hell and back and came out on the other end with her head held high and her ability to love and give still intact takes a real man.
I browse around these dating sites and all these men want a woman who “isn’t crazy” more than half Of these men don’t know how to handle a woman who “isn’t crazy” properly. They only know how to handle “crazy” they need to look in the mirror.
I’ll get off my soap box now. Like always, great insight and support I am forever thankful for
I think asking your daughter's step mother to walk on the field with you at the homecoming shows that you are a classy lady and one that is very aware that your daughter does has someone in her court when she's not at home w/you.
There is someone out there for you who will walk beside you, not behind or ahead of you...but beside you. You deserve the very best and you did a great job on your backyard over the weekend. That goes to show you have determination and desire to do the very best for you and your daughter.
Please, please never doubt yourself. Yes, you may question some things that you are thinking about, but we have seen the real Ginger and what you've written about your journey tells us a lot about you......Keep up the good work!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thank you, job. I used to think I’ve been single so long because something is wrong with me. Now I realize maybe I’ve been single so long because something is wrong with THEM.
I’m just trying to live an honest life. I hope one day someone wants to join me in that. I think the guy who I end up with will have a heart of gold and be a real man. That’s what I really want.
A year ago today, I closed on my house. Big day in my world. Well, I haven’t foreclosed yet, so I guess I’m not doing horribly. It’s coming along and is a way different house than the one I closed on.
I had quite a day at work. A patient preached to me Jesus stuff today. And had me pray with him and take Jesus Christ into my soul. It made a sweet 81 year old man happy. All in a day’s work.
D13 had a fun day at school today where some groups of friends signed up to paint the store fronts for fall. Her friends did a great job. She took care of the goats, and joined the environmental club. Then went to her friends house. We were supposed to take the dog for a walk in the park, but her social life is much more vibrant than mine. So I walked th dog along and let him play in the dog park area with other doggies.
I’m depressed. I make it through my days. I laugh with my coworkers, I spend time with my daughter and enjoy it, but the night comes and I just cry. My heart just feels so heavy. I was flipping through my pictures again on my phone and I missed another text I forgot to erase. 2 days before it ended him telling me he loves me. Maybe he did even when he broke up with me. Who knows. I also looked at my fridge and I have the Christmas card of his son with Santa still on it. I began to cry. To go from communicating with someone every single day for a year, to radio silence is hard. It’s like a big part of my life just disappeared and it’s not getting better, but getting worse. I don’t get it.
I’ll be busy this weekend with cheerleading luckily, get my mind off things. But unless I’m totally distracted, I just want to lay down and cry.
You can be proud of the woman you are and have been.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
I appreciate all the love. I guess it has to get worse before it gets better. And I have to believe it will get better. I think half of it is missing what I thought I had, and the realization I’m back to square one and alone yet again. It’s a wicked combination.
I did something dumb today and I slipped. I was dropping off D12 for cheer practice before our town day event and I saw one of the attractions were going to BMX bike stunt shows. M’s son was getting really into BMX biking with M. I took a picture of the sign and simply said that I thought his son might enjoy it. That was it. No response of course . I actually realized after I sent it, I hoped he wouldn’t respond. He’s exactly who he showed me he was . And I’m not interested in him. The real him he showed to me. Highly unattractive anyways .
I walked around town for the festivities with my friend who’s getting the mastectomy on oct 11 it’s scheduled for. And her husband. There is this cute little boutique in town and I spent too much on this sweater I loved ($45 is normal for most people, not me) and she treated herself to a breast cancer awareness baseball cap and a new pair of earrings from there . I’m going to be there and do anything I can do to help, send meals, drive kids, etc.
Leaving for the game soon. At least exH won’t be there. He’s in Kentucky for some music festival, probably cheating on his wife if some woman would give him the time of day.
Tomorrow I am buying dirt to fill the hole in my backyard. I’ll seed this week. I’m hoping to hear about the second job I applied for.
Oh, and I was talking to me dad who is on vacation right now with his wife, and his cousin and wife. His cousin has a lot of money, his wife is a well kept woman who spends all his money. Their daughter, who is my cousin and we are the same age, got everything handed to her and just saved from all the trouble she got in her whole life. She happens to be drop dead beautiful and married a guy who makes 500k a year. So she stays at home with the kids and their nanny in a few million dollar mansion. Anyways, I want my daughter to get into this special academy for high school. It’s at a different high school which is closer and right across the street from my work. There are limited spots though and you have to earn it. My dad says he told his cousin about it, and he said “oh, I’ll get her in, I know this one and that one, and for sure, I’ll get her in. I told my dad under absolutely no circumstances is he to do that. My daughter will legit earn it. And if she doesn’t, she goes to the regular high school. I see what happened to his daughter having every strong pulled for her ( even their son, but he’s a sweet down to earth guy, I like him) and I will not allow it. This isn’t the kind of help I need or want in my life and no good lesson to teach my daughter.
So, thats It. Off to the game shortly. I really don’t want to go, but obviously it’s a must. I feel like reading a book and drinking a glass of wine.
Still never heard from M. Never expected to and glad I didn’t.
If I were to see him tomorrow he is not a guy I would be interested in at all. I guess I just have a hard time with lost investments.
I busted my butt today and carried 800lbs of topsoil! I still need more. I tried to patch up concrete . It came out so/so. Brought D12 for a dress for the fall fling dance, her first school dance. Which I will miss because I will be I’m FL for the wedding. I am so sad about that. But her dress is very pretty.
Go ahead and smack me, but I am chatting with a guy from OLD. 44, very attractive, 3 kids, lives in same town as M, in an exclusive lake community which is only a few minutes away from me. ( found all this out via some detective work) Straight guy, but creative director at Lancôme . Makes pretty good money. He also likes to shop for clothes. He’s a unicorn! I kind of called him out last night because At the rate of a one message every other day, it was going nowhere fast. He apologized and said he was still really interested in getting to know me and that I really captured his attention . So he’s been texting often today. Very involved dad. My D falls right in the middle of his kids ages. He told me how he took the time after his divorce to become comfortable alone and love his life. That’s a plus. Who knows where this will go. Probably no where because he hasn’t even set up a date and we are on opposite kid weekends. We do have a lot more in common than M and I did. Enjoy lots of the same things. We shall see. I actually deleted my OLD profile ( before he decided to pick it up, because I was kind of fed up and just disenchanted) maybe something will come of it, maybe not.
D12 told me she was having one of her conversations with herself today and she told herself that even though I am a single mom, I do all the dad stuff too and nothing stops me. I’m glad she is noticing. I hope to be a good role model for her so she knows she can achieve anything she wants without a man.
She came out of her room tonight hysterically crying and she rRely cries like that. She’s really upset about me leaving for a eeek for the wedding. Missing the dance for one, and it’s a disruption to her routine and she says she just needs me there. Being here is her routine. Me making sure the ship is running is her routine. She always likes to know what to expect and it’s un certain to her. Even when she is at her dads for a weekend, she comes home and dayas how much she missed her me and her home. I felt really bad. I eventually got her to calm down. Once a year I am gone for a week without her. She’s ok if she’s on vacation with her dad, it not doing her every day routine without me. All will be well in the end I’m sure. But I cried too
I will hold off on the OLD guy - for now - but your D... that needs a comment. It's I guess great that you feel bad and worry for her but this is life G and you get one too! She will survive - in fact I think in some ways this is good for her. She's nearly a teen now - or is she a teen - why do I think she goes from D13 to D12 to D13 back to D12 again? Might be my brain injury again LOL. Anyhow, you need to have a life Ginger and being gone for a week is not at all unreasonable now and then. If you were gone 10 or 12 times a year for a week, that's a different story but two or three times even is not that big of a deal - certainly not once. I think this helps her to build charterer. Sure it tugs at your heart strings and certainly should make you feel good how much she admires and loves you but please don't stop having a life or make decisions based on what she wants. I know some others IRL who capitulate to this and it's not healthy - for anyone involved. She needs to see you go away and you come back and she does just fine and survives just fine. It builds charterer for her and is a part of growing up. She needs to learn to rely on others as well - not just you. She needs to hold others in her life accountable - like she seems to try to hold you. She needs to ask her dad to step up like she asks her mom. Grandparents, her BFF's mother. This is part of life building and teaching for a well rounded soon-to-be young adult.
I guess my biggest point is this is not at all bad - clearly what you are doing is not at all bad. Support her, reassure her but let her know she will be just fine and will do just fine and you will likely be gone again sometime before too long and that is part of life - a life you get to live as well!
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
She just turned 12 and can be a little OCD at times. She isn’t quite a teenager yet. But she will be fine, I go away one week a year without her, she throws a fit, and does she gets through it every time . I spoke to the ex about it and he understood. He is going to give his mom money to take D 13 to get her hair done for her dance. But I’ve always lived my life, took my vacations and gotten my me time even when she gets upset. Momma’s got a life and gets her mom time.
Me and the new guy have made our first date for oct 12th. 2 weeks away due to custody schedules and kid sporting events. I’m really looking forward to it. Getting to know him in the meantime. He said he’s a real family man and women have told him “he’s too much of a dad” He’s an artist and managed to make a lucrative career out of it. Likes sports NYC, taught a class where divorced dads learn to braid their daughters hair. So far, a real class act. And did I mention he is super attractive? And he seems to think the same of me. I would simply be a fool to not go on a date with this guy. It’s probably good he’s a really busy guy, things can move slow if they move anywhere at all. It’s been fun talking to him though.
We shall call this new guy D. We texted last night for 5 hours. Talking about everything and everything. Some life experiences, small things, like what makes us tick. You name it, we talked about it. And he was interested in ME. The tiny and big details about me. If we didn’t have to go to sleep, we would probably still be chatting. It made me realize a lot. In a few days, D knows more about me than M knew in a year. Not just facts, but details about what makes me me. M and I never really got to a place like that. The connection wasn’t very strong, and mostly, he didn’t care. He was emotionally stunted by so much pot and his ongoing drama. And just so self centered.
He’s lived an incredible life so far. I mean incredible. A year ago, he also become very sick and septic and was in my ICU for a while. And he has such an incredibly lease on life. He’s an athlete and an artist, which is an incredibly sexy combo. His wife was a cheater. He tried to keep it together for the kids. But couldn’t. She actually rents a house 3 houses away from him and he says they talk kids and money, that’s about it, and they keep it civil. No police station exchanges, Court appointed mediators for every decision.
I can’t begin to stress realizing how perhaps there really was something missing between M and I. This thing now may not work out, but it has opened my eyes to what needs to be there. I thought that maybe connections were silly and having a guy who was interested and loyal and “not going anywhere” would be more adult. More safe. It so safe after all! I really tried with M. I tried very hard to connect, but his utter lack of interest in me or my life made it very difficult
We like so much more of the same things. TV and movies were to good for M and just being lazy on a Sunday afternoon. One of my favorite things when the chance arises! He was always Mr antsy pants if he was high and could just stay the day with me. D described making a home cooked meal, and cuddling and binge watching Netflix all day on the couch. A perfect Sunday!
I’m a little concerned that we will click so much before we meet or something and when we do, he won’t be physically attracted to me. My pictures are pretty real, no filters, some with no make up and he seems to think I am very pretty. But he is a really good looking guy. Slightly intimidating. But seriously, an attractive man.
I will say, if this guy is as advertised, and there is chemistry, he would be that guy I’ve dreaming up. That one you go through all bad stuff to get to.
I hadn’t smiled the way I smiled talking to him in a very, very long time.
I am happy that you've connected w/someone new...but take things slowly and don't be so quick in giving him your heart and soul. Take it slow, do things together and make him work for your trust and love.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I wish we could all start out in life with a great relationship - so that we know not to settle for all the mediocre and dysfunctional people that enter our lives. When you start saying “well he is.... but on the other hand he does ...” it’s usually a bad sign.
D sounds like he has some great potential. A lot of people told me when on line dating to not text so much and to not connect before meeting. No one told my now BF that and I ended up following his lead and all the texting and connecting made our first date really fun and super comfortable. I agree with job. You do the judging. Make him prove himself to you. Not the other way around.
I TOTALLY agree with Juju. There has been a lot of talk on these boards (and I'm sure in many other similar venues) about NOT texting, calling, connecting prior to meeting very much prior to meeting. I know we spent a lot of time on J9's thread talking about his coach and how that was one of the things that the coach was against. I get the reasoning behind it. Having said all that, though, (forgive me for repeating my stories because I'm almost positive that I have shared this before), Sparky and I spent a good deal of time first instant messaging, then texting and occasionally even calling. Now, this was mainly due to the fact that we'd already talked about meeting, then his dad got sick and ended up dying and that kind of put our meeting on the back burner (understandably so), but we kept in contact while he was dealing with all that and when he was ready to meet, our first date ran so easily and we were super comfortable together because we had already talked about some things that we would've talked about on the first date. That may or may not work for everyone and it is not my place to say because I firmly believe everyone has to do what works for them. I do know that communicating more before meeting did end up working out well for me. Like I said, I get the reasoning behind not doing it, but I think you can get a good sense of who a person is by reading some very subtle social cues when you are texting and talking. Yes, you can really get to know them better face to face, but you can develop a rapport electronically that is, despite being removed from each other, very genuine. If it works for you, keep on keepin' on!
I'm happy for you, but will say the same thing I said to Andrew. Proceed with caution. Be careful to NOT compare him to M. They are 2 entirely different people. If you set up a comparison in your mind (which from your writing, you are already starting to do), it could become a situation where you miss potential red flags because you have built D up to be so great simply because he's better than M. He's not necessarily better, but he's different. (Well, ok, he's likely better, but that is really neither here nor there. LOL) My point is, don't set it up in your mind as a competition or you might miss some potential issues of D's just because they aren't the same as M's. Does that make sense? D sounds wonderful and like he has great potential, but no one is perfect and sometimes too good to be true is just that.
Here's a bit more food for thought: when you were with M, you were pretty insistent that his XW was just horrible and the drama that followed her was all her fault. (And, that may very well be the case, since you know her and none of us do, but do you REALLY know her? Or do you know M's version of her?) Looking back now, knowing what you know about M, is it possible that he bore some responsibility in some of the drama that he was so quick to lay solely on her? I say all this to say that while D sounds amazing and likely is, remember that there are 2 sides to every story and just proceed with caution. Take it slow, enjoy getting to now each other and remember your value and your worth. Make HIM prove that HE is worthy of you, not the other way around.
Cuddling on the couch netflixing on Sunday? if I was single, I would totally be asking if he had a brother you could hook me up with because that is a PERFECT Sunday to me!
By the way, not to belabor the point, but something else you said rang true to me. You mentioned M's pot use a couple of times in your most recent post, saying that he was emotionally stunted from his heavy use. I get that a lot of people are recreational users and I understand their whole "it's safer than drinking" mentality. I've also heard such reasons as it isn't addictive, it is safe because it is all natural, I can take it or leave it and don't HAVE to have it regularly. So, I get it. I really do. And, I have been accused of being a square more than once in my life and will continue to do so for my stance on pot, but I'm sorry, if you are smoking enough of it, it IS going to be detrimental. M is a case in point. It clearly affects him AND his relationships. Not good.
Sorry to hijack your thread, get on my own soapbox and be Debbie Downer. What I really want you to get from all of that is that you are loved and everyone wants you to be happy and just be careful. I hope this guy is that dream guy that you deserve. Just make sure you remember your value and worth while he's showing you his. Make him work for it!
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
I am definitely heeding all your caution and going to let him prove himself to me. Not think I’m not worthy because he is pretty awesome. It will be actions not words and I’ll be watching closely if this indeed does take off.
As far as all the texting before meeting. If there is a fantastic connection, I think it’s just fine. That it will carry into the date and make us feel much more comfortable and it will flow nicely. I think it also builds attraction. Someone might appear more attractive because of the person you got to know them as. We are moving up our date anyways. Next week I’ll be meeting him in the city after work.
As far as comparison to M, I don’t think I am comparing him to M, but I am more comparing the feeling and vibe I get from him as opposed to what I got from M. They are certainly 2 different people . We just are connecting on a much different level, and I realize that level is important and it was missed with M. It is important. D and I have total opposite careers, yet we have so much in common. We really enjoy the same things. I did different things with M. Things that were his passion. I enjoyed them, but we never really did me stuff. And sometimes it is just binge watching Netflix and cooking together.
I realize I am more comfortable with the 3 kids right around my D’s age. Because I hate to compare again, but I wasn’t down with the way M parented . D is a super involved dad. But M was so hyper focused on being a perfect parent. I imagine with 3 kids close on age, you don’t hyper focus on one kid and make sure everything is perfect. I couldn’t take that. I loved his son. So much. But his parenting made me a little nutty.
D had a brush with death over a year ago. Was actually in my place of employment in the ICU and severely septic. Got a staph infection in his foot and found out he was diabetic. He lives a very healthy life now. I don’t think he is a closet pot smoker. If he did recreationally, I wouldn’t care. I do myself once in a while. He has quite a lease on life. He’s a total romantic. He wants to know my details. No one has cared about that stuff ever, I’ve come to realize. I’ve only dated guys who wanted to make sure I had something to offer them.
This may not work. Or it may. I hope to be fortunate like you have juju. As much as I lose hope sometimes, I also probably have too much.
All I know, right now, I love talking to him. He is sounds like a truly incredible guy. Zero red flags as of yet. And I’m looking forward to meeting him.
Not to be a downer, but a grown man with kids who is a "total romantic" is a big warning sign in my eyes. Nothing wrong with a little romance, but a "total romantic" who isn't in his 20's is quite likely to be either A) needy B) manipulative or C) nothing like his profile picture. Just saying.
It’s still early Ginger. I don’t know if I’m fortunate yet. I’m taking it day by day. Everything is great, but I have read other peoples situations and I know what can happen and how things can turn. On the other hand, I also know that thinking with caution ruins the high as well.
What’s wrong with needy? I kind of like that in a partner. I actually would want to be needed by someone. I think ginger would actually do good with a guy that’s a bit needy. (Not lazy and looking for someone to do everything for them but someone that needs love and partnership sounds good)
Ok, not a total romantic. I guess any romance to me is so romantic. He still believes in love. Getting to know his partner and being able to share in the things that make her happy. He is an artist, he’s got that side. But nothing overboard.
But he does love watching romantic comdies. Is that a red flag?
Not to say that unicorns don't exist, but I've never met a straight man who 'loves' watching rom coms. I have met plenty of men who are happy to do so if it makes the woman they are with happy. Big difference.
I enjoy an occasional rom com. But I've only watched one or two a year, and that's been an after-my-divorce phenomenon; I don't recall watching any rom coms (of my own volition) prior to my divorce.
Regarding clothes shopping. I'd rather be crucified than go clothes shopping. The shirt I'm wearing right now was given to me by my XW's parents. It's probably six years old and I'll probably be wearing it six years from now.
I do enjoy going to Home Depot and Lowe's. I don't have to shower, shave, comb my hair or wear deodorant to go to those stores. Best of all, I can wear the paint stained shorts that my XW gave me ten years ago and I'll be wearing an old stained t-shirt to go along with the shorts. If I want to be a little more formal, I'll put on a baseball cap.
I had no idea what a Lancôme is. I had to google it. I like artsy stuff. Venetian plaster is cool. Driftwood art can be amazing. I wish I owned a Picasso or Monet painting. But, I'd never in a million years be the creative director of a cosmetic company. I'm not an alpha male or a tough guy, but I'd have absolutely no clue of what to do with cosmetics other than to throw them in the trash.
He's definitely a unicorn. He may even be a straight unicorn.
I agree with devvo - in my long dating history (I'm old, remember) I've never dated a guy who loves rom cons. Some might agree to watch as a trade off for me watching Rambo, and then actually find themselves getting caught up in the story. I've never seen a man of his own volition pick Sleepless in Seattle over John Wick.
That being said, there's nothing wrong with enjoying a rom-com. I'm just concerned that he's mirroring, or just telling you what he thinks you want to hear. Or, if he knows the plots of 20 rom-cons, he might be gay.
I did watch Marley and Me with B - her favourite movie. I got lucky that night.
We then watched Amazing Grace with Ioan Gruffudd - my favourite movie - I didn't get lucky.
I do hold open doors, buy flowers, compliment and appreciate so I like to think I'm romantic. I also am pretty good at braiding hair and inspired the the creation of the now seemingly famous Hawser braid from when I had long hair. Despite how cute that guy in Spain may have thought he was, I am positive that I'm not gay.
We don't mean to pull you back down into the bucket but just be careful please and make sure that he's "real" before you get in too deep. K?
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
With my luck, I wouldn’t be surprised if he turned out to be gay. I have Jennifer Aniston luck with men. But maybe I would get a good gay friends out of it?
He likes rom coms. He designed photoshoots and displays for women’s cosmetics. He also designs bags for women. He’s a true artist. He is into fashion and he actually enjoys shopping.
Then he is super into sports and plays basketball. Does some “guy” stuff.
Either he’s a unicorn or he’s gay. I’m hoping he’s a unicorn. The unicorn I’ve been waiting for. Odds? Not so good given much bad luck with men. But all I can do is hope.
I had an event tonight at a subacute rehab “sangria and psychics” . We had the best Spanish food and sangria. The psychic read my tarot cards and we could ask questions and he will read the card according to my questions. I asked regarding love life and financial situation. In a nutshell, he read the cards as in I know exactly what I want, just how it should be, but the “devil” card would pop off which indicated my own self doubt that creeps into my head. And this other card that shows how others view me, which is the total opposite . Which is about right.
Then....... the subacute rehab happens to be around the corners from M’s mom’s house. I was curious about the damage, so I did a drive by. So sad to see the house again in this condition. It looks melted the whole garage is charred and all the windows are boarded up. Awful for his mom.
D and I continue to chat on. He will text me in the morning and then on the bus into the city. He says he usually takes a nap on the commute in, but says he would Much rather chat with me. We are both very busy during the day, so we don’t communicate during the day. I hope we get to meet next week. I am scared. And for a really insecure reason. How I look. I know he keeps saying I am very pretty and blah blah blah, and even though my pictures are accurate and recent. I’m scared he will see me in person and think I’m too fat. But this is more about me being uncomfortable about me right now. It’s nerve wracking. He’s super attractive to me. I say “to me” because people I find attractive , others say “wtf?”, lol. But I ran him by a few friends, and he really is a hottie.
Another funny thing I realized. The town he is from is a large town and it has 3 lake communities. Including him, I’ve dated guys from all 3 lake communities. M, FF, and this guy. I’m making my way around the water in this town! The other 2 lives with their parents, but this one actually owns a house in the most exclusive lake community .
Anyways, I feel like the lake ho.
I’m not getting my hopes up because I have been met with reality before. But I can’t say why, but I have a good feeling. I hope I’m right.
GIRL! OMG........you need to quit with that fat thing. I understand and respect that your feelings are your feelings and you feel uncomfortable in your own skin right now, but every time that thought creeps into your head that you are fat, I want you to log in to Facebook and go to my page and look at me. I’ve openly admitted to being a fat girl and those of you who have seen me on Facebook know I’m not kidding. You aren’t anywhere near fat. I’m sorry that’s how you see yourself because I can assure you, I’d love to be your size. You are beautiful! Stop picking yourself apart.
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
Deep breath and exhale... and another one. (these are for me BTW) LOL. I swear sometimes it feels like groundhog day around here. I also feel more and more like I know less and less, still...
Let's start here - YOU ARE NOT FAT!!!!! That is a slam dunk easy one. I know you may not feel you are at the weight you want to be but you just are not fat. Then again, I live in Wisconsin, so there is that, but no, not fat, not at all
Getting serious though now. How can you be this "into" someone you've never met? It screams of desperation rebound - it just does. You want a guy so bad that, well, I just don't think it's healthy and would be remiss in not saying something.
At the head of it all I'm hearing you say many of the same types of things you said about M. At least that was after knowing and being with him for months. Now mind you I'm not at all claiming you are saying the same things - not in specifics - but the same types of things. You told us for months how great M was, how great you both got along, how you never had fights, how he was this wonderful guy, how your families fit together. Now you tell us nearly none of that was true. You tell us now of all his shortcomings and how some new guy that you've not even met is all of these great things and the opposite of the guy that used to be the right fit and you could see yourself marrying. And I just don't get it.
Why so invested so fast? Texting for hours, every morning, talking about deep things - yet not even a meeting? More deep breaths Don... I get it, you are hurting and want the pain to go away and this helps that to happen. It's a great pain killer, I just can't imagine how you can know enough about someone to have any meaningful insight. You're clearly hoping he is who you want him to be - already somehow sensing "he may be the one". And maybe that's okay. Maybe it's fine to help the pain go away by having someone else take it away. Something just tells me it's not a healthy or productive way to go into this.
Clearly this guy is different. Call him a unicorn to make it sound nicer if you'd like I guess, but he sounds odd to me - very odd. It also seems like some people (me and I think LH19 would qualify) go out with a dozen woman and don't connect with a single one. Others (you're in this group Ginger) seems to "connect" more often than not - perhaps it's the 4 out of 5 category - but then after time you really didn't connect much at all. ???????????
Ginger, I'm not trying to kill your fun here. I'm not trying to rain on some happiness but after seeing how upset you've been for weeks here - right up until meeting this guy online - I can't help but see warning flares.
I'm not sure, in fact I am sure, you are not ready to date seriously yet. But I won't even say not date at all - but why does it have to be so intense right away? I can tell you're thinking of this guy all the time. You're waiting for his next text. You're' telling friends about this great new guy you met - only you've not met. You're wanting to replace what you thought you had. Why can't you just keep it at a slow, matter of fact, going on a date next week level. Or is that just not you? And why would he be so all in without meeting you? What's up with him to be at that level?
I'll totally and fully admit it may be me. But I just don't get this at all. But it's not for me to get - what I really don't want is for you to be hurt or worse yet, get involved with another guy who really doesn't check the boxes but you've got them checked before they should have been. I just don't want to see M be repeated and at least for me, the best way not to do that is to heal from it first and go in at this level when you are really ready. I think many of us see it and feel it. We like you so dang much that we want to see you happy and don't want to kill the happiness you do find, yet we worry when we see you potentially going down another speedy path. Please, somehow, make this guy prove himself to you and don't give him any free passes and ZERO benefit of the doubt. I'm worried for you my friend.
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
you just are not fat. Then again, I live in Wisconsin, so there is that
Lolol!
Seriously though - I gotta agree with Don here. A guy who is coming on this hard and heavy without even having met you yet makes me nervous.
How much of his story have you validated? Have you checked his linked in profile? Looked for his name (preferably with photo) on his company's website? Are there other places you can search for proof that he's tellingvthe truth?
I'm just getting a hinky vibe and worried this guy could be a con job.
Reminds me of a guy who told me he was a jewelry designer. Asked him to send me a photo of his work. Ran the photo through TinEye - was a stock photo from Titanic lol.
This guy is not coming on hard and heavy at all! Actually, i said something to him, because it started off with me saying, “how are we going to get to know each other if you only send me one message every other day?” That’s when he picked it up. But one night we chatted for hours, not at all during the day and a little in the morning . We are moving slow, and I can’t say there is any “movement” either, because we are just chatting and haven’t even met.
I DO NOT have connections with everyone. Said no to the last guy, was with M for a year and I confessed the connection in the beginning was kind of weak. I’ve dated people where I said “nope” and I do not want to replace anything. I want to move forward . I told one person that we were chatting. I have not fished over him, or anything. I just said “talking to a knee guy” I’m simply getting to know someone and enjoying it. Why does that mean I’m moving so fast, I’m getting in over my head? It’s not much more than me really enjoying talking to another adult human being who is pretty awesome so far. And notice I said “so far?” Because I really don’t know him yet.
Definitely not a con artist. I do my work. He’s the real deal. I looked up his linked in profile. Job is legit. Googled his name, came up with his address that matches. Looked up his facebook profile and he’s got friends who I have mutual friends with. Date suggestions are places known to locals and he mentioned some details about them. His kids play basketball where my daughter went to camp this year. And I didn’t even tell him she went to camp there. So, 100% legit. I’ve had an attempted con artist before and I noticed it pretty much right away.
He’s real. And I’m simply getting to know a guy and I’m enjoying it? Why does that seem to mean that I’m in too deep or he’s coming on too strong? Which he isn’t. We change. We like each other. We have a date set up. That’s it. Isn’t that how it’s supposed to go?
As far as me being worried about him not liking me because I’m “fat” it’s all me. Uncomfortable where I’m at. Lost a few lbs, but stalled again. Frustrated. I just want to be comfortable in my own body again. I should learn to be with the one I have, but I should really watch for my heath too. I’ll get there eventually. Realistically, it’s not a blind date, not that he’s seeing my boobies any tome soon, or if he even ever does, but that’s been a little nerve wracking for me too. My cars are still fading. They are visible . But I know self confidence is attractive . So I’m going to have just shake off my insecurities .
But really, there is nothing abnormal right now about what’s going on with us. We both swiped right, we text, get to know each other, then we meet. That’s it. I just happen to really enjoy our conversations. I thought that was a good thing.....
Lots of folks just looking out for you and being protective I'm sure, but bottom line if you're feeling he's legit and you take it at your pace, enjoy yourself! For sure don't rush, but at the same time don't become so jaded that you don't take some chances. Sure you might could get yourself hurt again, but any time you take a chance on love that's possible. Only YOU know what's right for YOU!
You are not fat! You are a beautiful woman who is looking in the mirror and seeing something other than what we are seeing. Turn that filter off and accept the person that you are...beautiful inside and out.
Now about your new friend, he could very well be "bi sexual" and then again, he may not be. At this point, he sounds like a person who cares about others and has many of the same interests that you have. I would enjoy the interactions, but I would also be learning as much as you can about the man behind the texts.
If something doesn't sit well w/you, then listen to your gut and not push on accepting whatever the issue that has been ringing your bell and ignoring that bell.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I guess it's all in the words you use, Ginger. That's more or less all we have to go on here - what people write. When you put it like you did now, saying, "We both swiped right, we text, get to know each other, then we meet. That’s it. I just happen to really enjoy our conversations," NOW THAT... all sounds very reasonable and makes sense to me. But when we or let's just keep it with me, when I see you write things like this new guy whom you've never met knows more about you than M did after a year, it makes me really sit back and wonder - how can that be? Make more sense? When you say "we texted for 5 hours talking about anything and everything. If we didn’t have to go to sleep, we would probably still be chatting." again, it makes us/me wonder. I do get it, a little bit anyhow, but still... he's a stranger you've not even met in real life yet. Knowing his full story and deciding he's had an amazing life and that his wife was a cheater - again, before even having a drink together? Saying "we like so much of the same things" - well I guess. And then "I will say, if this guy is as advertised, and there is chemistry, he would be that guy I’ve dreaming up." Really??? I just don't see how this can be anything other than wishful thinking about anyone or even what I might want from someone, but it seems more like fantasy - at least to me.
Still these are all the things that at least I would hopefully START to believe after many months together and dozens of dates - not a week of texting. Again, maybe that's just me but it sounds to me more like building someone up and once again giving him the benefit of the doubt until maybe proven otherwise - not making him actually SHOW it to you. So far all of this is only words - just WORDS, nothing more. Just for some reason, you hear the words and think OMG this could be THE GUY, he's so amazing, etc. while KML and I and a few others hear the same words and say "Wow, something sounds too good to be true here, what's wrong with this picture?" Maybe I'm just cynical and jaded and you see the good in people and trust what they say. And most certainly I don't want to turn you into me - not at all. Maybe we both just need to come a bit more to the middle - I can't distrust everyone until they prove themselves and you can't trust everyone until they show who they really are. Maybe we both need to move towards the middle.
My only point is I don't want you to get hurt. Certainly you could find the most amazing man on the Internet and have him ride up and give you the most amazing life. It could happen. The sad thing is, while that could happen the chances are so much smaller than this just being another talker who when the real truth comes out is not even worth a date - which is what I'm getting the feeling you'd say about M right now. Does that make more sense?
And yes, you have turned guys down - I'm not saying it never happens. I'm just saying on balance it's the guy who decides this is not working - even when you had all the reason to say that all along.
Still I'm willing to say I'm wrong and you're right about it all - I hope this guy is all you think he is, time will tell. So I may be wrong about it all, tut there is just no way you'll convince me you're fat - that one I'm totally right about and you are dead nuts wrong. I'm totally sure this time I'm right and you're wrong - YOU ARE NOT FAT!
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
Again, maybe that's just me but it sounds to me more like building someone up and once again giving him the benefit of the doubt until maybe proven otherwise - not making him actually SHOW it to you. So far all of this is only words - just WORDS, nothing more. Just for some reason, you hear the words and think OMG this could be THE GUY, he's so amazing, etc. while KML and I and a few others hear the same words and say "Wow, something sounds too good to be true here, what's wrong with this picture?" Maybe I'm just cynical and jaded and you see the good in people and trust what they say. And most certainly I don't want to turn you into me - not at all. Maybe we both just need to come a bit more to the middle - I can't distrust everyone until they prove themselves and you can't trust everyone until they show who they really are. Maybe we both need to move towards the middle.
Not just you, Don....this is exactly the point I was trying to make when I mentioned drawing comparisons to M. It would be easy for G (or anyone really) to compare a new person who seems to be everything right and wonderful to a past person who seemed that way and then ultimately proved they were not and in setting up that comparison, it would be easy to get caught up in the excitement of how wonderful and different and amazing the new person is, maybe even to the point of missing a red flag or 2. I don't think you are jaded, Don. I think you are pragmatic. And, I do think G sees the good in people, which is likely why everyone loves and cares for her and wants to see her succeed. It's a gift to be able to see the good in all people and in all situations.
As Don (and others) said, I don't want to see you hurt, G. I hope this guy is everything you hope for and more. I hope you continue to enjoy chatting via text and I hope you both feel weak in the knees type chemistry when you have your first date.
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
I absolutely know you guys care. And I swear, it’s not how you interpret it at all don. We text, we like talking and we look forward to meeting in person. He’s still guilty until proven innocent. I know what he’s told me so far, but I don’t truly know him yet. That takes time. I’m just trying to go on a first date over here. Where it goes, I have no clue. It could be a complete flop. But I like him in the getting to know by text process. Which is because meeting up for us is really difficult. I was impressed today when he said even though it was a kid weekend for him, he was trying to find sometime to meet up ( his kids are old enough to be home for an hour or 2) but he sent me his weekend schedule ( sports games) and I don’t even know how he does it. But I really appreciate him trying to make time. I’m usually always the one accommodating the other person.
This could be nothing at all. Or it could be something great. I don’t know. I guess I’ll find out.
In other news, I have a job interview oct 18th!!! It’s a 12 hour shift job, which would be good. 2 shifts a month and I’ll make pretty good extra money. I might have to do nights, but I’ve done that before. It’s a logistics transfer center coordinator . But woh that money, I can have my debt paid off in a year. And that would be so satisfying .
G, my sweet friend..I love you. I love your open heart, your ability to bounce back, your giving the benefit of the doubt to people.
I know you know I care a great deal about you.
So, here's my two cents. I honestly don't think you should have initiated anything yet. You needed to heal from a year long relationship you were hoping would lead to marriage. You needed to regroup and figure yourself out.
The reason is that the same things keep happening to you. Now I am not saying it is you. Some of these guys had issues. But ultimately we are responsible for some of what happens in a relationship. I am thinking you keep doing the same things over and over.
You did make some action changes with M. You did. But for the most part, you also did a lot of things the way you always do.
I am not one who thinks we should change who we are for another person. But we can and should change our actions. I understand why your friends here are concerned. It is because you are going in already. At least that's how it reads. And here's the truth. He can write anything, right? It means nothing at this point. You are getting excited over someone who can be wonderful....or not. You are, you know it.
I think it should work like this. You get in touch...exchange a few texts to get to know each other a little and then meet. Because much of what he is telling you could be stuff he thinks you want to hear. It isnt until you are face to face, that you really know.
So, I hope you get to meet up soon. I hope he is wonderful...you deserve it. Until then...do something different. That's the way to get different results, ya know?
Wow, so very well said uR - and with so much compassion. It's all exactly what I'm thinking - I just didn't pull the words together nearly as eloquently as you did.
But it has been multiple years now and multiple guys with one common denominator. That's not to say you have not come a long way and as I've said before, I don't know anyone who is willing to look at themselves and embrace change than you. Clearly the best way to get different results is to do things differently. I think you are still just hurting so much and healing that it's hard not to reach out when someone comes along that may take away the pain - if only for a short time. I don't think you even want a man in your life - you just want the pain to go away and not feel like you are and that is beyond understandable.
I don't have all the answers or maybe any of them. I do think you should read what uRworthy said a dozen times though. Very wise words in the post above this one.
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
Am I ready to date? Maybe. Will I ever be super ready? Who knows. Honestly, I came across him unintentionally. I look, just to see what’s out there. And his profile is the only one that really caught my attention and I swiped wipe, sent a message, and didn’t imagine he would reply. But he did. So I went with it. Am I trying to cover up pain with another guy? Box definitely not. It honestly might distract me a little bit, but it doesn’t cover up anything I’m feeling. I’m just seriously ready to get on with things.
Will I do anything different this time? Yes. Every relationship is a learning experience. In the past I’ve chosen people who I knew were wrong for me. Still tried everything to make it work. With M, I actually thought things were good and this was a real relationship that I was taking nice and slow and appropriately. In the beginning I wasn’t even totally into him. What I repeated with M was not really listening to my gut. I wasn’t seeing how things actually were and I was instead just hoping things would change and I let the words, then the bitty actions keep me in. But my gut did not feel good about things for a while. And I think juju said it. I felt as an older woman, I should lower my expectations and settle for someone who was there. But then he was barely there anymore.
I need to trust my gut more and quit the “spackling” and be more honest about who these people really are.
This guy could nothing like the guy I’m chatting with. I won’t know anything until I atleast meet him. I have no clue how it’s going to go. And it’ll simply be a first date. And he does have to prove himself to me. And if the first date is good, I’ll keep getting to know him.
I really don’t know what else to do differently anymore. I am lost. Maybe I’m just supposed to give up the thought of finding someone? Just stop dating? Not trust anyone at all? I really don’t know what else I can do differently to have some success anymore except the things I mentioned above? Yes, I am certainly the common denominator. There were 2 guys who said “something was missing” one just got married. The other just dumped me. That does haunt me.
I look left and right and see people consistently be successful. I’m kind of in like a 2% of people who have been so unsuccessful in relationships. I know people who are recently divorced and remarried again. Not many have my track record. And I think of myself as one of the most self aware people. Armed with lots of relationship and good partnership tactics.
And for the life of me, I can’t figure out why I keep getting back to square one. So I’m open to what I can do differently. I’m so stuck in my head over this. And then I start talking to someone else and I still feel like I’m being told I’m doing something wrong.
I’m beginning to think more and more I should really just be alone. Just accept it already.
I believe the general theory is that once you do that, that's when love finds you. Fingers crossed!
Seriously, I don't think there needs to be much of a gap between M and your next first date. You were only together a year and it's been around 1.5 months already hasn't it? They say one month for every year don't they? I'd have thought if you wanted to just test the water and head out on a date, you'd be fine. Your issue is working out when you're bringing out the spackle - and it appears as though you have a plan for that. May as well see if it works!
Hi Ginger - you are a generally positive person. You'll get through this. My understanding of the "fat" comment wasn't about your actual weight. It's tough to look at ourselves and feel that we're worthy when it's been demonstrated that to some people that we're not. But that's on them and not on us.
Hope you have a great weekend!
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
I think to find love you have to just be willing to be vulnerable. Which is hard because we have all experienced the heartache and pain that comes when being all in. But you have to put yourself out there. I think that’s a good quality that you have Ginger. Your willing to experience the possibility of loss because it means the potential of something really great. And just because you haven’t found it yet, it doesn’t mean it’s not out there. What you are learning is that you are surviving loss. And maybe even thriving with each loss you experience because look at what you have achieved. (Independence, wisdom, empathy, relate-ability to others - which draws people to you)
I do not think it’s too early to date again as long as you feel comfortable with it. Things hadn’t been good between you and M for a while. And life is short. We wait and follow rules and time lines but it gets a little ridiculous because love is not really a formula or recipe that we can follow. It happens when it happens. And if your open to it, there’s a chance to get hurt. But there’s also a possibility for success.
I think some love avoidants like to avoid the potential for pain. By not risking or investing there’s no way to get hurt. By going in extra cautious and withholding love they risk little. But how do you ever experience the deeper feelings with those types of fears? It’s like waiting till your 8 to ride a two wheeler instead of trying it at 6. Who knows. Just because most 8 year olds are ready and won’t get hurt- you lose 2 years of having possibly been able to enjoy riding.
(((Ginger))). Reading what you wrote, I swear you and I are kindred spirits Ginger. I am so much like you in the way I think and even my fears and insecurities. I, too, am someone who trusts easily and puts herself out there. My twin is much more sceptical and cautious about her feelings and she if forever warning me about wearing my heart on my sleeve. Honestly, though, I don’t think I know any other way to be and it is who I am. Yes, us heart-on-sleeve girls get hurt but we also have a great capacity to love unconditionally and to forgive. Your relationship with your XH is a testament to that capacity. IMO...that is a gift and you shouldn’t apologize for it. Are you more apt to get hurt or blindsided by people... yep...that’s the flip side of the coin. What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger though. I fully believe what you are searching for is out there... have faith and believe...and don’t look SO hard for it. It will find you. Best of luck on your date. I hope it is everything you hope it can be. (((HUGS)))
Unlike many on here, I have the honor of knowing you in real life. So, that allows me an understanding and perspective perhaps others don't necessarily have.
So..is if ok that you are dating? Of course. You are an adult. Do I think it's wise right now? No. That's the truth...from my perspective.
Here's why. You clearly want to be in a serious, long term relationship that leads to some sort of permanency, right? The men you have been with did not want that. They may have thought they did, but, they didnt. I know you are going to say some of them went on to have serious relationships and I get that. For what ever reason, it wasnt what they wanted at the time they were with you.
I dont care about them. I care about you. I feel, and I feel this way because it is what happened with me, that the way to find what you are looking for in life begins with you. With what is inside you. And when you are good with you, it gets reflected back out there.
It was not until I realized many things, that I met R. I was feeling good about me..for the most part. But more importantly, I knew in my heart that I was ok on my own. I know, you are going to tell me you are good on your own....I know you!!
What I mean by that is...that I decided I was not interested in meeting anyone. I had decided to let the idea go because I still had work to do on me. I still needed to feel complete and happy being UR. I needed to know, without a single doubt, that I was enough. Not by anyone else's standards..except my own.
When I was getting there...and trust me I am still a work in progress...I let go of what I thought my life should look like and embraced the life I had. You do that...but, always with an eye towards someone else being in it.
I fully accepted my life as it was. And that feeling showed. I was good to go. Happy as I can be given all the stuff in my life to deal with...and on my way I went.
It was then that I met R. I hadnt thought of being with anyone. Truth is, I didnt really want to be at that moment. Funny thing is, that he was in the exact same mindset.
So what I am trying to say...and geez, I need to get to it...LOL.. Is that even though you say you're ok with your life, your actions say something different.
And it is these actions, I think, that are allowing you to get in your own way.
That is why I think you needed to wait a little bit longer. You are not over M and how he may have felt and what you thought and all of that. You arent, sweetie.
And it isnt good to bring all that forward. It needs to be let go fully.
And what I mean about you doing things differently is that you need to figure out whether you are not choosing wisely, or whether you still tend to go all in, or whether that fact that you want something so badly is impacting your actions when you meet someone.
Dont get me wrong...I love who you are...you gotta love who you are, too...fully, unconditionally, deeply.
Otherwise, you will just keep getting the same results.
UR, I think you hit on a point I will be very truthful about.
I will not be ok with being alone for the rest of my life. I will be “OK” , but I am not ok with it, if that makes sense.
I spent my adulthood single for the most part. I had a small stint in marriage which produced a beautiful child . But that was over by 28 years old. I’m coming on to 40, and even though I felt my biological clock ticking for a second child, I mourned the loss of that and I am ok with it. Then I found out I could love someone else’s child deeply! And I lost two of those. I honestly do not want to live the rest of my life alone. I have done it far longer than I anticipated. It’s been a lonely ride. I mean, rich in the friend and child area, but I lonely difficult ride. My child will be on her own one day. And it will only get lonelier. I’ve got no family, no siblings, no nieces and nephews. Nothing. I’m essentially alone. And I want a partner. And I have lots of to give and it would be a dam shame if I don’t get that chance to share it. I’m also a pretty darn good partner. I know lots of people who are coupled and re coupled who would not be ok alone, even on a level of having to care for themselves. That’s not me for sure. But they keep finding someone. Some end in great relationships. I guess I haven’t figured out why I am exempt yet. If I was a bitter nasty woman who hated me , maybe I would get it. If I was boring and unloving , I would get it.
So in a nutshell, no, I cannot accept the fact that I’ll be alone. I was totally accepting of it for a little while knowing my tome would come when it would. But it never came. And I really though it would have. All I kept hearing when I first separated/divorced was that “you are soooo young! You’ll find a great guy, get remarried and have more kids!” And it never happened.
As far as the guys I have chosen. They have been the wrong ones for sure. Except for M. He was the wrong one for me after time, but initially, things were going according the book. But I got to really see him for who he was and I knew he wasn’t for me.
I am definitely not going all in right away. Those days are gone. I use my head before my heart now. I analyze, I just date, the guy and I let it progress naturally . M was the one who arranged the kid meetings, not me. I never pressured him into the inital meetings. It was all his planning, the week d away, everything. The only thing I pressured was hiding who I really was to him. I never brought up a future or an R talk, which I actually kind of regret now, because I never really got to know if we are on the same page. And the whole time he was thinking something he wasn’t showing and his other words said opposite. I really Felt like before the kids got involved, we should have been comfortable having that talk. But I stayed away from all R talks and let things naturally progress.
I may be in my head too much when I date guys stressing about doing it all right and by the books. That I’m not pressuring, no scaring anyone away, that I’m supportive and validating and all that Jazz, sometimes I think it’s too much. DB hasn’t really helped me on that sense. I’m too aware of my every move like I used to have to be and a lot isn’t natural anymore, because I’m scared natural me is going to scare a guy off. That’s really hard. I just want to be me. But I feel like there are too many relationship and dating rules I need to abide by. And I’m not me anymore. And that may be where the breakdown comes along. Maybe guys could sense this. Maybe that’s whats missing. It really just occurred to me. I think in M’s case though he really was so stuck in his own little world, nothing else mattered including me. He never got to know me, seriously. I literally couldn’t say a sentence without him cutting me off in the middle and talking about himself. But yeah, I try to do everything by these rules everyone speaks of, afraid to give too much, not enough, at the right time or the wrong time that I’m coming across as fake or not the real me and people are sensing it. I don’t think it’s desperation they are sensing. I think knit almost seems like a woman who isn’t sure of herself.
And I kind of am. But all these rules make me seem unsure. And they just don’t feel right to me. That was very therapeutic writing that out. Now I just have to figure out the best way to go about remedying this. And I imagine a part of this is also not fearing growing old alone.
Speaking of growing old alone. In my job, I see what happens to people who do end up growing old alone. And it’s very sad. No spouse to care for them. Trying to live alone in an unsafe situation because they have no choice . No one to turn to to help. No kids, or kids off with their families. I see what happens when you get sick and have no one. I see the joy and love of these people who have been married 60+ years. It’s in front of my face everyday .
Now that I have been so long winded, in a nutshell, I am not ok with being alone for the rest of my life. I’m trying to not let that fact cloud my choices though. Because it is better to be alone than with someone and lonely. That’s for sure. Because that was worst feeling when I was with M. But what’s failing my relationships I think is that I am no longer me in them. I’m so busy trying to do this dating thing by the rules and “correctly” I probably do t even seem like me anymore and maybe I kind of acriss kind of fake.
I just want to say I so appreciate everyone's contributions. IT, you know me and I especially take everything you say to heart and mind and I appreciate your honesty so much. I like to hear how it is.
I am realizing nothing much is probably going to materialize of this thing with D. We are on opposite weekends and he is so busy on his kid weekends he can’t even take a break to breath. Unless I turn my whole schedule upside down, I don’t see how this could work. We were going to meet up Wednesday, but my ex can’t do Wednesday and Tuesday I have a hair appt which I am not cancelling. Maybe after that. But realistically, the logistics stink anyways.
Maybe it’s the universe telling me no.
Last edited by job; 10/07/1902:39 PM. Reason: edited first sentence
I wish I could go and have a beer with M and with firefighter and with a few of the other guys and get their input. It's sooooo sooooo soooooooooooooooooooooooooooo very hard to really get the full picture exclusively through what is written here. I would suspect you are correct, these guys (and others I've not named) are getting some sort of vibe or feeling about you from you. Not to say they think you are acting or following a script or rules but I've long believed they get a sense of you - as people do with all of us - based on other than what you say.
I recently watched a Dr. Phil episode (yes I'm a fan) about this young woman who kept getting ghosted by the guys she dated. This happened like a dozen times and was the focus of the show. There were even some great lines that I wrote down and almost posted but never did (until now). But the crux of it was they went and got the guys. She was a very pretty, very smart and personable young lady. Of course she said she had no idea what she might be doing wrong or why she was scaring these guys away - swore it can't be anything she's doing but when they investigated it was clear there was. They then went to these guys and got many of them to talk about the red flags they saw from her. They talked about her being too aggressive and other things that she was shocked to hear and never would have thought of herself doing. They talked about self worth and other things. Not at all saying this girl is you or you are her. My point is, she could not see it herself and would have never thought she was doing the things she really was doing - unknowingly.
I really think what you need Ginger is a life coach. Now I'm not talking about one of these self proclaimed life coaches who can't even run their own lives much less someone else's. But even on the show, they talked about a real, certified life coach who they said (and I agree) are for people who don't need a therapist. They don't fall into a diagnosis needing psychological counseling - they are mentally healthy, just need to change what they do. This fits you Ginger. You don't need a therapist or counselor - just someone to coach you through this better than those of us who don't directly know you ever could.
Now finding a quality life coach is likely easier said than done and then having to pay for it is a whole other story. So the second best suggestion I can offer might be to get and read the book - "Best Self - Be You Only Better" This is exactly what you talk about Ginger. You don't need to change who you are. That's what this life coach and book author talk about - the person not being broken, not having to change - you still be you, you just do it better. This is not some fly by night writer either, it's on the NY Times Best Seller List for awhile now. He also runs a life coaching service with trained professionals. Google this book and check it out.
As for the show, here are some of the quotes I was able to capture:
"Don't chase the wrong one because the right one won't run"
"If you've got to chase them, you don't want them."
"Don't be desperate and don't think you have to be in a relationship, because you don't. The only relationship that really matters is the one you have with yourself"
"Don't get shown a little interest and you go all in based on that little interest. Your standard has to be higher than that."
"Closure is over-rated. Disinterest is closure. When someone ghosts you, that's the closure."
"Never invest in someone based on how much you like them. Invest in someone based on how much they invest in you!"
I thought these were all some awesome quotes - and not at all just for you Ginger, these are for all of us, myself included. Google "Dr. Phil Ghosting" to see some of the video clips from this September 25th show and see if you see portions of yourself in this guest. And check out Best Self.
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
In my younger days (mid-20's) I was eager to be in a new relationship and hopefully one leading towards marriage and family. I think that eagerness wafted off of me and seriously impeded my dating. Guys that I was interested in didn't return the interest; "nice guys" that were interested in me I didn't really give a chance. (One of those "nice guys" from my med school class has grown into his boyish looks and looks great at 60; he's been happily and faithfully married to his wife for 35 years; they look very happy on their travels on Facebook - yeah, I know, things on FB can be phoney but I'm pretty sure their life is just what it seems. Boy was I dumb.).
I suspect Ginger is, like I was, drawn to those she has to work at attracting; for those of us with a history of loss, there's something validating about "winning" someone over. And it leads us to making excuses for their behavior if they are not quite meeting our needs. But in reality, what you want is someone who thinks you are the bees knees JUST as you are.
What I find in my old age is that the less I "need" a relationship, the harder men try to win me over. If I could have been less interested in my younger years I would probably have had more men pursuing me.
If you were to sit down with FF, he would tell you what he told me. He wants kids and not for 5 years. It was all age difference with him. He was the one that was too much, not me. If you asked M? God knows. I think my expectations after a year were reasonable. He just was a self involved guy. Anything to give me was too much. ExNG, it was distance. He admitted to be very needy and not willing to give.
A life coach? Well, certainly not in the budget. I see friends and other people make arses out of themselves for a guy. And these guys love them!
I am one for self reflection, constantly looking at myself, but I don’t come across as desperate . Maybe the first guy I really cared about who just got married. I didn’t show respect to myself. And he saw that. And took advantage to that from tome to time.
I am just such a heavy DB’er when I date I think. I take all those principals and I don’t think they apply to dating.
I am also Grossly unlucky. I choose poorly. I don’t walk away when I should. That probably is seen to. It’s not seen as loyalty. It’s seen as me being desperate perhaps. I think M knew I should have walked away. But my loyalty causes me not to.
I ought be drawn to those who require more work. But deep down I don’t want all that work. I want a simple boring relationship shop where I can feel comfortable in the fact the guy chooses me, I choose him and there is no game playing.
Nothing is happening with me and D. He is overwhelmed with life. We can’t even meet this week. It’s probably never going to happen. And if it did? With his kids millions of sports and his demanding job in the city? We could probably see each other once every 2 weeks.
So Nothing is happening anyways.
For a year on the weekends, I spent time with M. Either with child or at some point with M, or with all of us. Now my weekends without my D has turned to just me. I was out with friends for a few hours on Saturday. But Sunday was me. I made a delicious meal, and sat at the table alone. It is something hard to adjust to again.
But obviously it is what it is and doesn’t seem to be changing anytime soon. Because dating is a huge challenge to me I’m so many ways, after all this conversation, I am finally scared of it. I am finally scared of this whole vicious cycle again.
You shouldn't be scared. You definitely should NOT be applying DBing in a dating situation. And you should care less about whether they approve of you and more about whether they meet YOUR standards
You shouldn't be scared. You definitely should NOT be applying DBing in a dating situation. And you should care less about whether they approve of you and more about whether they meet YOUR standards
I agree with all of this.
I really am gun shy though. I was excited to meet this guy, and now im not. And I probably won’t be anyways.
Truth is, I can handle a guy who I meet as a friend first and then it turns romantic. I’d probably be much better off. I also need a guy who actively pursues me and doesn’t leave me guessing. Then I could feel more in control.
And I guess right now what I need is just to work 27 out of the 30 days in the month until my financial issues are solved.
In other words, my aunt was transferred to a subacute facility yesterday. One by my recommendation and what she knows. I work closely with the Liasons and here from the patients which ones are good and which ones aren’t. My cousin however is the toughest customer you will ever. I helped her through, got my connections and then she called me last night because she says the place is a “[censored] show” I intentionally didn’t answer the phone. I know that sounds awful, but I have no power anymore. And it’s hard having your loved one in these places as you saw from btfly’s post, but i know this is decent. She wants this impossible nurse to patient ratio and someone with her mom very often. Unfortunately you don’t get that unless you private hire. It’s a sad situation all around, she was an independent woman and now she’s confused and can’t get out of bed. I just can’t solve her problems. I can’t give her the answers she wants. And unfortunately, I know the realities of healthcare. I can tell you what is unaccepatavle and I can also tell you “ that’s the best you can hope for” she’s probably really mad at me, but I am sick, I am drained and I just couldn’t deal with it.
And I was awake all night coughing. Didn’t sleep a wink. I never get sick and I have felt like this since Thursday. We have a doctor at work who already world 20 hours a day and he has been working deathly ill since last Thursday too. He could barely move yesterday and we were begging him to go get a chest X-ray because we all know he has pneumonia.
I guess I didnt explain myself well. But your response got me thinking about how to explain it better,perhaps.
I do not think you are going to be alone the rest of your life.
I do think that you need to be ok with the idea, though. And not at all because I think that will be the truth. Simply because it sets you free.
When you have the mindset that you are going to live your life and let it unfold.. When you aren't worried about meeting someone. .. When you believe in your worth and that you are enough... When you let go of what you think your life should look like and accept what it does....
You are free.
What happens then is that you open yourself up to the possibilities. You are lighter.
It matters, this. Your mindset and your actions and thoughts change. And that brings about change.
It is then that someone may enter your life with you in a place of strength. When you are, you can be you completely. You dont have to worry about whether you are saying or doing the right things because you are ok either way.
You will behave differently because you will feel differently...more confident, less stressed and it will be reflected outward.
I dont believe in games. I am who I am within this relationship without fear of rejection. While I would be very sad if it were to end...I would survive. If it ends because he didnt like me being me..not my problem.
I think how you feel about being alone shows when you are with someone.I think you feeling rejected and feeling as if you have bad luck, shows too.
The only way to have something different..is to do something different...and I believe it starts from within you.
Yes, I do believe my bad luck and rejection has gotten into my head and it shows. And I absolutely think I worry too much about doing or saying the right thing. And I’m definitely sure that shows. I need to stop that. That stops when I don’t give a flying F. You are absolutely right. And I’m not a game player either. But it is me in my head in these relationships saying “am I doing this correctly? Are my feelings valid? Let me validate crap behavior because I’m supposed to.
Nope nope and nope. I have been doing a lot of reflecting and mostly on this exact stuff. Looking back into how I was in my R with M. Looking at who I was in that R.
Yet. He never opened up emotionally. Never talked about relationships and how he loves and likes to be loved and what his values were in a Relationship. He couldn’t talk about them. Only stuff about his son, parenting and how to fix things and pot. And the craziness of his exW. Never the good things about his marriage. Nothing about relationship dynamics at all. He was completely unable to talk about relationships and the deeper stuff in life.
I mean, basically, the R became a train wreck and I lost myself in it because I didn’t matter in it. At all. Him and his son Were all that mattered in it. And I became a therapist to listen to it all and anticipate his moods around it.
And it’s freeing to realize that. I wasn’t even present in that R. And if he came back tomorrow it would be a hard no. I wish I would have not worried about losing an R that I didn’t matter in . Like my marriage. And I worried only because I did really think I shouldn’t give up any opportunity at this age and in my situation.
And that was very very very wrong. Because I am happier alone than with the rejection within my relationship with him. Because in the relationship it was rejection. Of how I felt, what my life was all about, my struggles, and my wants. I just existed. I had no say about anything in that R. Complete rejection of it all. And I have so much relief without that now. Because it is an awful feeling to have that while actively in an R.
The truth is I feel bad for him. I know he’s been emotionally scarred and he thinks he is trying so hard to be such a perfect parent that he’s blind to everything else around him. And he’s not really doing his son any favors. You can tell this man loves his son very much, but he was so focused on winning him over that he was messing up a lot of it.
I want a voice and I want to matter. Else I would rather be alone. That is the truth and not just lip service. I want to be just as important as my partner. I wasn’t in my M and I wasn’t with M. It was amazing how much my marriage and my R with M paralleled . They are very different people, but treated me all the same in a very different way. I was invisible to them both expect to serve them a purpose. My wants and needs meant nothing on either relationship. Only difference was, my ex was cruel about it, and M I don’t really think meant to be the way he was.
Man, I get long winded when these thoughts come to my head. Therapeutic writing them out though.
As far as D. Well, we continue to chat. Just a few exchanges a day. I thought it might become hopeless due to our schedules. But he really is interested in meeting me and the first date is happening tonight. I’m sort of indifferent only because that’s how I’ve become with online dating. My friend asks me why I am no excited and I just know anything can happen. Chatting has been nice. We seem much more on the same level. He doesn’t seem to be carrying a lot of baggage with his divorce. He seems like a normal parent. Kids have chores, play sports, have busy lives with their friends too. He is very into his career . Hard worker. And even when he goes on about himself he stops and actually says “your day is important to me too. Tell me who your craziest patient was today” M and I didn’t share any of the same hobbies really. I enjoyed his with him, but the dude never watched a movie thought TV was dumb, and he didn’t watch any sports. He never just vegged on the couch and watched Tv on a lazy Sunday. D is into movies. Loves the idea of cooking Sunday dinner together while chilling in our PJ’s on a Sunday. M and I never did that. He couldn’t wait to get out of my house on a Sunday morning to go home and work on some sort of project. D uses the word “partner” when describing what he is looking for. He says he’s totally flexible for last minute dates. Wants to get back to the gym , joke’s about having gym dates, but is serious. He knows I want to get back to the gym too. Says he can get lost for hours in home goods and he thinks an important part of an R is being able to do the regular everyday things together.
So, we are surely more compatible this far. But I guess tonight we shall really see. I’m a little nervous. But I know I should have maybe waited a little longer, but I would be a fool not to give this a chance. I think it’s good to come from a place where my awareness for red flags is much more fresh. Because I am Not very forgiving of them right now. Which does help me be just me and not worry about doing the “right” thing. Just relax.
I need to just relax and have fun. And I will tell you, my M with R was not fun for the last few months. It was stressful and sad. I don’t want stressful and sad in my life
But he really is interested in meeting me and the first date is happening tonight.
Enjoy!
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
The date went ok. However, the end didn’t tell me as much. In the parking lot, he tells me he had a great time, gave me a half a hug and left. And that was it.
Oh well. I hate this and I don’t get how this works half of the time.
I tried.
My stepmother said to me as I left “remember , you are the prize” she is so right. I needed to hear that going in.
Sorry your date did not go as well as you had hoped it would. Try to look at it as one more step toward one day finding the right person for you and some time spent with a guy who is on the same journey as you. Better than sitting at home watching tv, IMO. And your stepmom is right..you are the prize. Don’t forget it!!! (((HUGS)))
I dunno. Ending a first date with just a hug seems normal to me. If the other vibes were cooler and there was no talk of wanting to see each other again then yeah - just a night out.
Good on you though for putting yourself out there.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
You sound like you may have been a little disappointed with the date. Try to keep in mind that what people post can be a little different then when you actually first meet up. He may have been a bit nervous w/finally meeting you IRL. I think a hug at the end of the first date sounds normal.
If he doesn't contact you again, I would put him in the pile of "oh, wells" and continue on dating. Your stepmother is absolutely correct...you are the prize and don't forget that.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Well, he texted me this morning. He told me he had a nice time meeting in person told me about his morning and told me to have fun apple picking.
Nothing wrong with a hug. But it was a fast sideways hug, I think the one we had when we first met was warmer. He practically was driving off before I got in my car! Maybe he really had to take a dump?
The date was fine, no fireworks, but no unattraction. Kind of how it was on my first date with M. But he showed interest. This one? The exit was weird.
This is confusing. But whatever. Just finished collecting our money for cheerleading at Shoprite and then we are off for apple picking .
This is confusing. But whatever. Just finished collecting our money for cheerleading at Shoprite and then we are off for apple picking .
Seems fairly normal to me - but I wasn't there.
Since mind-reading is a favourite hobby and fun pastime - yes - having to take a dump would certainly mean a bit of exit awkwardness Since on paper he sounds like a "catch" he may well be juggling a few early contacts and not wanting to commit to any individual one. He may also be wanting to process how the real you compares to the one that was in his head.
He didn't immediately ghost you so that's a good sign that he has some interest.
One key thing I'm not "hearing" though is what you thought about him in person. "The date went ok" is pretty vague especially from someone who has gone on as many first dates as you have. Does he seem like someone who is worth you giving a second date to?
Enjoy your apple picking. I hope you have the same nice weather we have here.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
He didn’t ghost me, he didn’t didn’t ask me out again, he didn’t say he wasn’t interested. Maybe I’ll get the slow fade.
How did I feel about I? Good question. Conversation was good. It was more like a coffee date even though we were at the bar. No romance. But it was a first meeting. So I don’t know. I would have to try a second date. And I’d be willing if he asked, but I’m certainly not pursuing it. I’m pretty sure this is going to be the slow fade though.
Honestly, even though I believe I make a really great girlfriend. I’m also really good at being single. And my fate seems to be leaning towards single, so it’s good I’m good at it.
Look this meeting was not a referendum on whether you will remain single or not. It was an opportunity to meet someone and see if YOU think THEY are dateable. Period.
So, with that in mind, what did you find out? You stated no immediate attraction - was this about looks, or something lacking in his personality that you were picking up? Did your gsydar go off? Or are you still expecting some kind of magical instant passion (which would likely be a huge red flag)? What did you learn about him that you didn't know? How did the real him differ from the imaginary one you built in your head.
I honestly can’t stand dating, lol. But it was good input my first date in the books since M.
I haven’t expected a magical connection in my many years. I was attracted to him . No idea if he was attracted to me. He gave off no vibes that leaned in one direction or the other. I couldn’t pick up too much at all. It would definitely need another date to know if something was there. I could not say yay or nay for myself off of the first date.
Funny, my gaydar almost went off. I though he was holding some sort of object that was leather but wasn’t a wallet, wasn’t a purse. I finally realized it was his insulin. He’s a type 1 diabetic. I don’t think he is gay.
I just didn’t get much from him either way I guess. It’s very different than last dates.
Haha - so his man purse was just his insulin bag - that's acceptable. . Did you pick up whether he's gluten-free? There's a huge overlap between celiac disease and type 1 diabetes, being gluten-free can help brittle diabetics be less brittle.
Do you think maybe he was a little shy? Some guys with a serious disease like Type 1 diabetes might get all up in their head about it being "unmanly". (CMM still has issues about wearing his oxygen in public).
He’s been texting me tonight and eluded to a second date. I think he’s shy. And maybe kind of new to this. Something a little slower moving might be kind of nice.
The good thing is, I am pretty ambivalent. Either something comes ofnit or doesn’t, but I’m definitely not trying to force anything.
He’s not gluten free. He ate some fried bar food last night. Had only one beer. Said that’s all he can really have anymore .
We joked around about a nice steak and he said it’s “we can do that on our second date since I botched the first”
I asked him how he felt he botched it. He said he was going to be pretty vulnerable with me and tell me why.
The weekend before was his year anniversary of almost dying. He said it just hit him this weekend, the reality of it all. He said he was distracted and distant because of that.
So I guess I was right there was something definitely weird and out of the ordinary.
And I guess he was into me and wants to give it another shot.
It turns out this guy likes me. A lot. Very interested. He opened up a lot. He told me I am an amazing woman and I seem to be pretty genuine and not one of the users he is used to. He said he is happy with life as it is and is really ready for a real committed relationship.
He told me is a people pleaser by nature. I told him I was the same and I have never dated a fellow people pleaser. Neither has he.
He was very frank and genuine with me, and I was the same with him.
Now, most importantly, how do I feel about him?? Now that he is more himself and I know what is going on and he really opened up to me, that brought the attraction level up. I find myself looking forward to our next date. He is very different from the guys I have dated in the past. So let’s see. I have nothing to lose.
He ate some fried bar food last night. Had only one beer. Said that’s all he can really have anymore.
A friend of mine is a Type 1 as well as being 6'2", buff with blue eyes, works for a company in Manhattan that he visits every month or so and is recently single at 49. I have his number if you need it
He is also very careful of any sort of carbs and sugar. Having 2 drinks is a big deal for him and he has to balance whether to have bread or beer with a meal. He would usually check his blood sugar and jab himself with his insulin before we'd go out to lunch. I was with him one day when he crashed. Very scary. He got progressively more and more angry and started acting drunk. He ended up in his car where after missing a punch on me, punched out his windshield on his new car. His wife came and rescued him as did police and fire responders. He spent the next week recovering and calling people to apologize.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
I am so incredibly exhausted. I can’t seen to get enough sleep. I have an interview for my second job on Friday. I better find energy from somewhere. My getaway for the wedding coming up is much much needed. I am off Friday, work Saturday and Sunday, off Monday and leave Tuesday. I also have a fair amount of PTO time left for the year. Luckily we can roll some over now, but I am going to take as many days as I can in December.
My coworker who is leaving is driving me crazy. I feel like an awful person. Because she is the sweetest, but she doesn’t stop talking and when she talks she has to include every single little detail instead of getting to the point. It really does make it hard for me to concentrate. I’m cranky when I’m tired. Literally, she sees me typing this right now and is going on and on and on. Sweetest woman though
Been thinking a lot about relationships. Someone else I once sort of dated has gotten married. All my ex’s are getting married! And here I am. 12 years later and still single single. It gets to me sometimes, but I try not to let it. I did think M and I were going towards marriage, but then again, he didn’t see me or my daughter as important to him. So no, no marriage was going to happen there. I don’t even miss him, because there wasn’t much to miss. I miss his son so much, but I was really nothing to this dude and he wasn’t there for me. And I really don’t miss that awful feeling of someone not giving a poop about you.
The new guy? Well, we seem to really be connecting and are very similar. Problem? Seeing each other. It’s really really difficult. Opposite kid schedules don’t help along with his crazy long days at work and his kids intense sports schedules. The one plus is he can leave his kids home for a little while and so can I. When there is downtime. I don’t even think we will see each other before I go away for my friends wedding. Will anything come of this? No idea. If it does it will be super super slow. And I guess I’m not in a rush for anything. He said I was the first person who made him want to juggle around his life and schedule. So let’s see if he comes through with it.
I need to vent about my father. He really upset me this time and turned it around on me and I pretty much hung up on him.
They stayed at my house last weekend and I let them have my bedroom and I took the couch. I was cleaning up this morning and I saw the picture with my mother that has her funeral card on my nightstand was turned around to race the wall. I was so upset. I had to say something about it. He said it was him, not her but he did it out of respect to his wife and because it was “uncomfortable” I said while you were trying to “respect” your wife, you were disrespecting me and my my mother. I asked what he would have done if it was hung on the wall? I said please never do that again, and if you don’t feel comfortable, don’t sleep in my room. He tells me “ I can’t do anything right by you lately and there are a lot of things you do I just keep my mouth shut about. I was so upset, I told him “I’m hanging up now” and I hung up.
I am so upset, I could cry, but I am in public. How disrespectful what he did and how dare he tell me there are things I do he doesn’t like but keeps his mouth shut. His 70th birthday is in 3 weeks and I don’t even want to see him. I tried to just forget about everything else and move on, but this? Not okay.
Any of the guys I have dated have a picture up in their house with their ex and child. And we have a picture up of the 3 of us as per D13’s request. Anytime I have seen their pictures, I have told them it was very sweet, and the guys have said the same about mine. My dad is a 70 year old man, remarried, and his ex wife is dead. So let’s show a little respect.
In other news. I had a job interview today for a second job. I had no idea I was going to have the HR interview, manager interview, and peer interview in the same day! But I did and I think I nailed it. The job is pretty cool too. And flexible hours. The job is awesome. So, I should be getting an off next week if I got it and I hope the money is decent. So a positive there.
I will be taking D12 for her check up and flu shot soon. She’s not thrilled, but I promised ice cream.
But my dad. I don’t even know what to do there anymore
I am so incredibly exhausted. I can’t seen to get enough sleep. I have an interview for my second job on Friday. I better find energy from somewhere. My getaway for the wedding coming up is much much needed. I am off Friday, work Saturday and Sunday, off Monday and leave Tuesday. I also have a fair amount of PTO time left for the year. Luckily we can roll some over now, but I am going to take as many days as I can in December.
Good! You need some rest gf!
Originally Posted by Ginger1
The new guy? Well, we seem to really be connecting and are very similar. Problem? Seeing each other. It’s really really difficult. Opposite kid schedules don’t help along with his crazy long days at work and his kids intense sports schedules. The one plus is he can leave his kids home for a little while and so can I. When there is downtime. I don’t even think we will see each other before I go away for my friends wedding. Will anything come of this? No idea. If it does it will be super super slow. And I guess I’m not in a rush for anything. He said I was the first person who made him want to juggle around his life and schedule. So let’s see if he comes through with it.
That’s all. I just need some freakin’ sleep
Hope you've gotten the sleep you def. need. Super slow is pretty perfect. Trust in God's timing, not ours.
xoxoxoxo
love you G
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
Nah, I have to wait until next week when I’m in FL for sleep, lol.
I am getting frustrated by me and new guy being unable to see each other. I don’t know how this could possibly work. Can’t see each other this weekend, then I’m away. So it will be at least 2 weeks between our first and second date. At least. Oh well, what am I going to do? I really like him, but lives have to be compatible on some level.
I was alone, parked on my couch last night. Did some thinking, crying, etc. I’m not good with lonely nights. But at the same time I had zero energy to do anything.
I do swear that a part of my depression is to lack of exercise. I’ve been researching gyms/classes that really pique my interest. Orange theory is right my my alley, but expensive . I could get the 2 day/ week membership, because I probably won’t be able to go any more than that. I used to just feel better when I felt strong. So I need that back in my life. Second job will surely keep my busy. And I think accomplishing paying off all my debt will make me feel great.
Haven’t spoken to my dad and probably won’t. It stinks. We used to have such a good R, but mainly because I swept a lot of feelings under the rug because I didn’t want to lose him because I know how he is only right and everyone else is wrong in his kind. Didn’t want to deal. If he could just have said “sorry for doing that, I’ll never do that again, it wasn’t right” I would have been fine. But he justified it and then tried to turn it into me not agreeing with the “stuff” I do, whatever that is. Work my butt off and make a nice life for my daughter? My house is never clean enough for him, the things on his priority list aren’t on mine, therefore they are wrong, I don’t parent the way he thinks I should......
Well, until you walk a mile in my shoes, don’t judge. Until you are around, spending tons of time with us, don’t judge.
Sorry, vented again.
Thanks for stopping by btfly!
Gotta get ready for work. Pray to the hospital gods for me that I have time to do my annual compliance training, lol. I’m covering for a coworker next weekend and we are working together tomorrow and she is brining me breakfast. She is so sweet. I work with the best people. The ones I confide in all root for me. I think I’m going to bake an apple pie tomorrow.
Oh, and OWW invited me to thanksgiving at their house after I get off of work. I do appreciate the invite, but I would rather not. Don’t think I want to do the holiday thing, you know?
Girl - your nerves are frazzled. I think you need to own this one and put yourself in your dad’s shoes. Would you feel comfortable sleeping with a boyfriend with a photo of YOUR creepy ex staring at the two of you from the nightstand? I sure wouldn’t want my ex staring at me while I was snuggling with CMM.
I think you completely overreacted because your nerves are shot. Don’t take that out on your dad. I know you have issues in your relationship with him but this isn’t one of them. In fact, I’m not quite sure why, as a good host, you didn’t think to put the picture away for the night yourself.
You put whole layers of meaning into this that don’t belong there. If you want to talk to him about your lingering feelings about him leaving you behind with your mom, then have that conversation with him. But this picture business has nothing to do with that.
I have to say that I’m with KML on this one. Pretty sure I wouldn’t want to have a picture of my ex staring at me and my bf while I slept and it would have nothing to do with whether or not I respected him or my daughter. Your dad probably meant to turn it around after he got up but forgot. I also believe your dad when he says it was also out of respect for your mom. If she were there in person, she wouldn’t want to watch him sleeping with his gf either. As KML said, I think your frazzled nerves prevented you from looking at this situation objectively and that you read way more into it than was ever intended. This was not about disrespect...just the opposite in fact. (((HUGS)))
I think KML is making a good point. I’m watching a similar dynamic take place currently between my dad and his mom. He is rightfully holding on to anger due to some of her issues and how she parented. I don’t think he even recognizes how bad she parented (she has some mental illness) But he’s acting out with her for things that are not directly her fault due to those other issues that he never worked out.
Maybe your anger is telling you it’s time to explore and work out some of the deeper dynamics of your relationship with your dad? Parents are not perfect. We all make mistakes. We all have our own vices and issues and most of us do not intentionally want to hurt or damage our children. That being said, we do sometimes need help exploring this.
No, he wasn’t showing respect to my dead mother. He said he did that for his wife. If he would have said THAT, I would have been more understanding and felt differently. I have a picture of my mom on one bedside table, not visible when you are in bed and one on the other side of my dad and me. And his current wife was my dad’s mistress . I never want to feel like I have to take down pictures of my mom when they visit. If that was on the wall, I wouldn’t have taken it down. I don’t want to be in my own home feeling like I have to hide the only thing that is left of my mom: a picture. My daughter loves that picture and she would have been hurt if she found it as such. Yes, if he was going to do that, he should have made sure it was back around and I didn’t have to see that. I’m sorry, I won’t erase my mom to make his wife feel comfortable. And they know what I know, and I was very gracious to this woman from day one, even when my mother was cursing her out. I’ve treated her always with respect and love. I let their issues be their issues. In return , I think I could have a picture out of my mom, just as I do of my dad. What really just upset me was rather than give me a simple apology telling me he didn’t know that was going to affect me, he shot back saying he doesn’t agree with life decisions of mine but he keeps his mouth shut. And that was a direct reference to the way I parent and keep my house. He got on me again when he came to home because it’s not perfect. It isn’t a disaster but it’s lived in and I’m okay with that. And he said “you knew I was coming you could have made it nicer” He tries to help with things that he sees important but I do not and then gets mad at me when I don’t agree. He has opinions out the wazoo and when people don’t agree, everyone is unappreciative ( including other family members) and they have aline ages other people over it. He freaked about a mattress getting rid of in the basement. I told him don’t worry about it, I’ll get someone to help me when it’s garbage day. Instead he took it out and left it in my driveway. And then it poured. And I told him this is why I wanted to leave it. And this was me being unappreciative. He put a million alexa’s around my tiny house. I told him I don’t need them. He did it anyways. And they are all going beserk. I got mad at one of them while he was here and he got mad at me. I can’t anymore!
Yes, I am frazzled. I wish I could ask for help in the way I need it, he would give it to me without guilt or freaking out. But I can’t. So I gave up. but I’ve been thinking if I was wrong ( and we all know I can admit to being wrong) but I don’t feel I was. I’ll never sweep my house free of my mom. To make THEM comfortable. Sorry. They got what they wanted, have been happily married for many years while my mother has been in her grave after she went off the deep end with her mental illness by all of this happening . They can show some respect and not have my mother face the wall to make them comfortable
Yes, I do harbor Ill feelings that will never get hashed out. He’s older and stubborn and I know most of the time he has my best interest at heart, but is only capable of helping the way he wants to. He will always be incredibly opinionated and I can’t change that.
I even thought about what you guys said and thought about an apology. But it wouldn’t be honest. I don’t agree with what he did and how he reacted when I confronted him. I’m tired of saying sorry for things I am not truly sorry for. I spend my life doing that just to make others happy and not dislike me.
With all that said I do love my dad. And his wife. I appreciate what they try to do for me, even if it is t what I need. But I don’t appreciate the guilt and criticism that comes with it.
I think we cross posted juju. I wish I could talk to him about all of this. But I can’t. He gets angry and defensive and lays on guilt trips and may never have admitted to wrong in his life. It’s an impossible battle. But the resentment is building up. Big time. I’m just going to keep my distance and give the 72 hour rule and if I feel as if I should apologize then, I will.
That’s about a whole lot more than a picture being turned around which is what I was commenting on. Sounds like things have been building for a long time Ginger and this was just the straw that broke the camel’s back. If you were a guy, I would wonder if you had NGS. Since my life came crashing down, I made a promise to myself. I promised myself that if something happened that I didn’t agree with or someone asked me to do something that I didn’t want to do, I would deal with those things in the moment. In other words, if it is not worth bringing up and dealing with in the moment, then it would not be worth bringing up or dealing with later on. Resentment breeds more resentment. Your dad sounds like he can be tough to deal with and that you have put your own needs/opinions aside to keep the peace or just to avoid any drama. There is nothing wrong with that. Sometimes it really is the best thing to do... in other words, the resulting upset would not be worth it. Not everything has to be confronted...sometimes we can just accept an move on. But if we choose to do that, then we really have to move on and not add it to a list of resentments. I don’t know how much of that you do. All I know is what you write on this board. I may have things completely wrong or be missing a lot of information. My challenge to you would be to look in the mirror and ask yourself how much have you been holding onto resentments in place of actually telling him how you feel. It doesn’t really matter if it would have an affect on him or not. The important thing is that you speak your truth and establish the boundaries that you need to for your own peace of mind. I feel for you. These family dynamics are not easy. (((HUGS)))
Last edited by job; 10/21/1910:31 PM. Reason: added link to new thread
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Since on paper he sounds like a "catch" he may well be juggling a few early contacts and not wanting to commit to any individual one. He may also be wanting to process how the real you compares to the one that was in his head.