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A Message from Michele
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Re: A new season [Re: Ginger1] #2866246
09/24/19 01:27 AM
09/24/19 01:27 AM
Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 1,607
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DonH Offline
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Originally Posted by Ginger1
Iím ready. I am so ready for a decent guy.


I think this is a big part of it. You are so ready and wanting it so much that some part of you is not seeing or not wanting to see what is in front if you - or not believe it. I know I tried to say several times that I thought there was something going on with him - even trying to put myself in his shoes but you wanting it so much somehow lead you to overlook things and give him a pass. I think you passed it off as or rationalized it as putting in the time or giving him time because he was going to be worth it in the end.

It really is lucky or as KML said dodging a bullet that he made the decision to stop it for you or it may still be going. You really did dodge a bullet. But there is other bright sides too. You dodged this bullet to be available for someone else. You have your stuff together in what you are willing to give and offer. You have a lot put together that makes you a catch. You now just have to learn to expect more - or demand more, even though demand sounds harsh. The guy has to earn it now. No more benefit of the doubt. He needs to prove himself and earn it. Believe what they show you. M started out showing you one thing but then started showing you something else - only you still saw his initial self.

I hope you are able to continue NOT reching out to M. He does not deserve it. These feelings will pass. You will feel better. It's just hard to think you have something but then find out you don't. It's not you, it's him and you did dodge a bullet - just let it help you down the road.

Huge hugs Ginger. Even with the struggles you are handling this and life very well. You should be very proud of yourself.


DonH
Midwest
Me 56
WAW-EXW 55
Met 11/95 / Married 5/00
Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06
4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
Re: A new season [Re: Ginger1] #2866281
09/24/19 02:26 PM
09/24/19 02:26 PM
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G - I like what DH said....expect more, hold men that you let enter into your life to the highest standards.

I know you loved M's family however outside of that what made him a catch? Emotionally stable? Financially successful? Amazing follow through? What was it about him that made you see such a wonderful, amazing future together? What did you value in him?


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
Re: A new season [Re: Ginger1] #2866303
09/24/19 03:55 PM
09/24/19 03:55 PM
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 15,046
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Quote
The guy has to earn it now. No more benefit of the doubt. He needs to prove himself and earn it. Believe what they show you


Yeah, what Don said.

Re: A new season [Re: Ginger1] #2866316
09/24/19 04:55 PM
09/24/19 04:55 PM
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Ginger1 Offline OP
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In the beginning he held me in very high regard. He put forth effort , wanted to see me, etc. our 4th date he picked up with me and helped me move a literal ton of hardwood. Who would do that? He helped me move. He often told me he though he was fortunate to have met me and acted like it for a little while. He has a decent career although he makes less than I. He was laid back, and what I thought was non-judgemental and seemed empathetic.

His true colors started to come out. He actually is judgemental. He really is extremely self centered . What I needed from his that he absolutely didnít offer was emotional support, consideration of my needs and for it to not be about him all the time. He was just so wrapped up in his own world, he didnít really even get to know me so much. I knew him, but he didnít know me. I never got a word in edgewise and when I did, he cut me off.

I always give the benefit of the doubt because I end of feeling like maybe Iím just being needy or high maintainence.
I need to really hold myself in high regard and when I am feel like I am not anymore, Iím going to address it and not buy an BS anymore.

He was not in a good place to offer partnership. I know that. He liked having someone who was there for him when he needed it, someone that didnít require anything in return and was available when convenient. I do believe he wants a girlfriend, but one that goes along with his agenda and thinks only his life is important and priority. I also do believe he did have a hard time separating dealing with his ex and loving me. Heís got a whole lot of work to do. And he may never do it.

I do miss his family. I miss the companionship. I miss the thought of something long term. Beyond that, he wasnt offering me much. Something was missing for him because he didnít really bother getting to know me. Which is pretty sad after a year.

Iím just lonely and dreading starting all over again. But I have remember I was lonely in the relationship too. I miss his son so much.

In good news, my aunt is off the vent and she is awake! Sheís moving and everything! She doesnít even remember having the surgery, lol. Iím so happy for her and her family. My cousin sent me a picture of her smiling .

I do hope you all are right and I have opened the door for the opportunity for the right guy to walk in. Not just any guy, but the right guy.

Re: A new season [Re: Ginger1] #2866320
09/24/19 05:03 PM
09/24/19 05:03 PM
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Don and J9 made excellent points so I don't even think I can add anything. You are worth it, so believe it and make the guy earn it.

I wanted to go back to your post from a few days ago when you were talking about D12's step-mother. Someone pointed out that the things she said might be a way for her to kind of drive a wedge between you and XH and that may very well be the case. I don't know the woman or anything about her so have no clue what her motives might or might not be. Having said all that, though, let me offer yet another opinion, from a step-mother's perspective. (And let me preface it with the fact that I am NOT defending her or your XH or how they came to be because that was a bad deal all the way around on both of their parts.) Regardless of how good a relationship you have with your current spouse and their child with another person, step-parents are usually somehow seen as "less than". If you haven't been a step-parent, you likely don't realize it and I don't think parents even do it consciously (though some totally do because they are douches, but that is a whole other chapter). So, D12's step-mom will always play 4th, 5th, 6th string behind mom, dad, biological grandparents and that can be a tough place to be. My take on what she was saying/doing is that she's trying to somehow find an ally in you so that you will see that she does have D12's best interests at heart. Maybe she thinks if she tells you things about your XH, you'll feel like she's "got your back" or whatever and you'll soften towards her a little bit. Again, not defending your XH or how she came to be part of his life because that is all despicable on both their parts, but the fact remains that she is now still currently a part of her life which makes her a part of D12's life as long as she and her father have a relationship and he continues to be married to this woman.

I can't even imagine the sacrifice that it is to "share" your child with a step-parent. I have not had the privilege of having a baby myself so maybe some would argue that I can't really know the power of a mother's love. Which is another thing that step-parents face, particularly if they have never had their own child. I would counter that with the fact that just because I didn't carry someone inside my body, doesn't mean that I can't feel a strong love and instinct to always protect them and do the best for them. I didn't carry my daughters, but I guarantee you if there was some way to tangibly measure the love I feel for them against the love that their mother who did carry them feels for them, my love would absolutely be equal to hers in every way.

You are doing an amazing job raising D12 and you are giving her a very positive role model to follow in her life. It would be nice if her father's wife would do the same and try to be a positive example. Children, and girls in particular, really cannot have enough positivity and empowering role models to set a shining example of how to grow to be a strong, successful woman.


Me 49, XH 51
3 adult daughters from his first marriage
3 grandsons, 1 granddaughter
My 1st marriage, his 2nd
BD 9/29/2014
H moved out 10/6/2014
H filed D 11/4/2014
D final 12/17/2014
Re: A new season [Re: Ginger1] #2866347
09/24/19 08:44 PM
09/24/19 08:44 PM
Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 1,607
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DonH Offline
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More great stuff here!

Ginger, I think you are very on target with your assessments - most all of them. I can't really argue with and I have to agree with most of it. It did seem like he started out really well, but then as time went on, his true colors started to come out. Well, I have to say it, that's typical. That's what many people do - whether intentionally or not - and in all sorts of situations. This is why it's so, so, so important for people to take a lot of time and pay a lot of attention as people start to reveal their true self - and they often will - both good or bad. It's not always that they reveal a bad true self - sometimes it's after a year or two that you say, wow, this is the really the true person I thought he was in the beginning and it's great! Sometimes it's the opposite.

As for giving the benefit of the doubt, Dr. Phil (the TV guy) wrote a book called "Life Code" in where he talks specifically about this. He says that if it even was ever good advice, giving the benefit of the doubt is outdated and should never be done today. It's not the best book I've ever read but worth your time in reading it. He talks about "BAITERS" (Backstabbers, Abusers, Imposters, Takers, Exploiters and Reckless). Not sure M was a Baiter (or not) but the point he makes is it's "insane to give people the benefit of the doubt" instead we should watch, collect data, and make an informed decision on them rather than give them the benefit of the doubt until proven otherwise. You may want to take a look at this book.

I think you are getting it though but that's outside of the R. When you were in it, you didn't see these things, or somehow got yourself to ignore them - or given them the benefit of the doubt. All you need to do now is see it while you are in it. I know it's a tall order as I do the same thing. I can see BAITERS and the like a mile off, but put me in an R with one and it's much harder. Although, at this stage in my life, if anything, I don't give anyone the benefit of the doubt and no one meets my standards. That's not good either, but it is what it is.

Dawn's comments on the step parent really hit home as well, as I am one. When Ginger first brought this up it hit me, hmmmm I wonder if my "kids" dad thought of me this way? People really don't understand it if they are not it in. I've been divorced for near 13 years now but I still have an R with the "kids" who are now 32 and 34. Many people don't get it. Why would I still have an R with the children of someone I've not seen in years or been married two in a dozen plus years? At this point I was with their mom for about 12 years while they have been in my life for near 25. It's hard to understand it if you are not in it. I never tried to replace their bio dad, but always did try to do my best and have been told by at least my step-daughter and friends and family of hers multiple times that I made a huge impact on her growing up. I'm very proud of that. The kids are named in part of my will. Again, many will look at me like, huh????? Why would you do that? Because they really are "my kids" - just as Dawn says it about her daughters. Would you not name your children in your will? So as Dawn says, we don't know what this woman's motivations are, but if she doesn't have a bio child herself, if she's like Dawn or I, she likely thinks of D13 as her own. Hard as that is for you Ginger, it really is a good thing. It doesn't excuse what she did - not in the least. But it also doesn't automatically make her wrong about everything. She may very well have your D's back - I'm betting she does. To her, this is the only child she will ever have so she may well treat her like her own - just like someone like me or Dawn does, many, many years later. I hope that shines a little additional insight.


DonH
Midwest
Me 56
WAW-EXW 55
Met 11/95 / Married 5/00
Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06
4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
Re: A new season [Re: Ginger1] #2866362
09/24/19 11:12 PM
09/24/19 11:12 PM
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Ginger1 Offline OP
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Even though I wasnít a stepparent, I got close with the 2 of the kids of guys I dated. ExNG was a whatever parent and liked me to parent. I was the one she went to when she was sick or had nightmares. He was just fine with that. He wanted a woman who take on that parent role, mostly because she was the 4th child and he was older and his other children were grown. He was kind of ďdoneĒ he was more than ok when we went on a trip together and he hung out with his friends and I took care of his daughter in the room when she got a super bad sunburn. One thing I was always mindful of was her mother who was a great mom. I always put myself in her shoes.

Then there was M and his son. He was a parent who wanted to be perfect and wanted more than anything for his kid to like him the most. He wanted everything done his way and I had no input. He would make comments about me never telling his son what to do. On vacation I made sure to know my place.i wasnít even able to tell him where the fish were when he was playing with his net in the water ( and his son wanted me to). M was jealous when his son chose me to sit by or to hold hands when crossing the street. I canít imagine what it would have been like in the long run. And even though his mom was a nut, I also always stayed mindful of her too. Sheís the mom.

But I can tell you, even in the short tome I got with those kids, my love for them was strong. They had my heart. We had our secret little jokes between us and they were just for us.

So being the mom with my child having a stepparent, I knew how it felt.

I do believe if she would have come into my daughters life the moral way, I wouldnít have my doubts about her intentions. This is a woman who knowingly dated a married guy with a baby on the way. I canít forget that. Even with that considered, I do take into consideration how her role as a stepparent must be difficult. Itís a thankless job for sure. And I am sure my ex isnít too thankful. Which is why I am going to ask her to walk on the field with us at 8thgrade homecoming . I know she is protecting my daughter on some level from my ex, which I canít do, because I am not there. I am also mindful of that. But Iíll always know how she came to be in her position as stepparent, so my eyes will always be wide open.

And regarding m. I saw it. I saw it while I was in it. A close friend knows and I often confided in him. His true colors began to shine after we introduced kids. I saw it. He freaked after everything went great for our weekend away. He blamed his freak out by ďoverthinking where his son was involvedĒ but I think what really did it was that he knew he was going to have to step it up with me. And instead of stepping it up with me, he backed off instead and became ultra selfish. He hasnít dealt with the ending of his marriage. Iím not talking about the end of his family unit, he hasnít dealt with the end of him and his ex wife. But I wanted to give him time because I know that stuff is hard. So I thought some time and space and letting him do his thing would help. But it didnít. It just got worse. I couldnít just cut the cord with our kids involved. Iím probably too much of a wimp. I donít want to hurt anybody.

But Dr. Phil is on to something. I donít think he was a baiter, but he was the reckless taker. I donít believe he comes from a bad place, but from a place where he never dealt with a lot of stuff. And he is not strong enough or man enough to be in a real relationship with someone like me. I think he knew it. And so he is gone. And my hope is he works through his stuff rather than cover it up with pot and projects. I hope he regains the ability to love deeply again. I donít think something was ďmissingĒ except his ability to be all in with a woman like me.

Iím a tall order to love a woman like me. Not because Iím difficult or high maintanence. Because I am out of mists league relationship wise. Iíll say it, even though it sounds kind of stuck up. But to love a woman whoís been through hell and back and came out on the other end with her head held high and her ability to love and give still intact takes a real man.

I browse around these dating sites and all these men want a woman who ďisnít crazyĒ more than half
Of these men donít know how to handle a woman who ďisnít crazyĒ properly. They only know how to handle ďcrazyĒ they need to look in the mirror.

Iíll get off my soap box now. Like always, great insight and support I am forever thankful for

Re: A new season [Re: Ginger1] #2866396
09/25/19 02:05 PM
09/25/19 02:05 PM
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Posts: 26,579
Southern Maryland
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Ginger,

I think asking your daughter's step mother to walk on the field with you at the homecoming shows that you are a classy lady and one that is very aware that your daughter does has someone in her court when she's not at home w/you.

There is someone out there for you who will walk beside you, not behind or ahead of you...but beside you. You deserve the very best and you did a great job on your backyard over the weekend. That goes to show you have determination and desire to do the very best for you and your daughter.

Please, please never doubt yourself. Yes, you may question some things that you are thinking about, but we have seen the real Ginger and what you've written about your journey tells us a lot about you......Keep up the good work!

Re: A new season [Re: Ginger1] #2866471
09/25/19 11:46 PM
09/25/19 11:46 PM
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 4,091
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Ginger1 Offline OP
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Thank you, job. I used to think Iíve been single so long because something is wrong with me. Now I realize maybe Iíve been single so long because something is wrong with THEM.

Iím just trying to live an honest life. I hope one day someone wants to join me in that. I think the guy who I end up with will have a heart of gold and be a real man. Thatís what I really want.

Until then, I am still as single as a Pringle!

Re: A new season [Re: Ginger1] #2866646
09/28/19 12:31 AM
09/28/19 12:31 AM
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A year ago today, I closed on my house. Big day in my world. Well, I havenít foreclosed yet, so I guess Iím not doing horribly. Itís coming along and is a way different house than the one I closed on.

I had quite a day at work. A patient preached to me Jesus stuff today. And had me pray with him and take Jesus Christ into my soul. It made a sweet 81 year old man happy. All in a dayís work.

D13 had a fun day at school today where some groups of friends signed up to paint the store fronts for fall. Her friends did a great job. She took care of the goats, and joined the environmental club. Then went to her friends house. We were supposed to take the dog for a walk in the park, but her social life is much more vibrant than mine. So I walked th dog along and let him play in the dog park area with other doggies.

Iím depressed. I make it through my days. I laugh with my coworkers, I spend time with my daughter and enjoy it, but the night comes and I just cry. My heart just feels so heavy. I was flipping through my pictures again on my phone and I missed another text I forgot to erase. 2 days before it ended him telling me he loves me. Maybe he did even when he broke up with me. Who knows. I also looked at my fridge and I have the Christmas card of his son with Santa still on it. I began to cry. To go from communicating with someone every single day for a year, to radio silence is hard. Itís like a big part of my life just disappeared and itís not getting better, but getting worse. I donít get it.

Iíll be busy this weekend with cheerleading luckily, get my mind off things. But unless Iím totally distracted, I just want to lay down and cry.

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