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A Message from Michele
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After vacation update.. [Re: BarbH] #2865696
09/18/19 03:55 PM
09/18/19 03:55 PM
Joined: Jul 2019
Posts: 135
BC, Canada
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BarbH Offline OP
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BarbH  Offline OP
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Joined: Jul 2019
Posts: 135
BC, Canada
Hi all of you who have been following/supporting me. Thought I'd pop in with an update:

Had a great vacation in Nova Scotia, despite power still being out for 3 days-we "camped" at my girlfriend's house. Saw beaches, museums, historical sites, vineyards, pubs, and just generally enjoyed ourselves.

Came home, H picked me up at airport. We were pretty good-a little strained. Unfortunately, I blew it later that night-he left his cell phone out, and saw me looking at it. Big fight he says he can't trust me, I bring up 15 yrs of lies. He says he's done, so do I. I go upstairs, calm down, come back down and quietly just said "I apologize for snooping. But if we are going to do this, I need you to help me heal". And went back to bed.

In morning-I flopped on his bed and started conversation. Frosty at first, but we ended up talking and laughing for about 45 minutes. I said something about counselling and he responded with "mine will be individual, I can get it through work". Excellent! He's always shut down counselling before-has rejected it out of hand. But I was very clear it's not negotiable.

We talked about our "scary things" with reconciliation. He felt the night before was a setback. I said "there will be glitches and hiccups-we will both make mistakes. what matters is how we handle them".

I went to town, he went to town with our dog. I came home, and had to head back in. Met him on the road heading home. He stopped, and we chatted. When I went to leave-I got a kiss! First in months! (we've been hugging)

Negatives-well, I'm done snooping! Still need to discuss the past 15 years-infidelity, etc. I'm sitting on this for now-other than saying "at some point we need to talk about it. I've forgiven, but I need help getting past it". Haven't asked for passwords etc. That too will come. He's very good about telling me where/what he's doing, and leaving his tracker on. (that's a positive.)

Positives: Still talking! He's home on his days off now, sister's place when at work, and it's much more comfortable. Hugs and kisses. Talk of counselling. Talk of future. Plans to watch our fav. tv show together Friday night. Plans to go to movie together. He's told his family and some people at work that we are working on reconciliation. (I'm especially pleased re at work, as that's where issues are). He says he hasn't talked to OW/EA in over a month. She's been unfriended from FB.

Plans for me: Still in IC. Started Tai chi last night-think I'm going to love it! House getting remortgage on next week-bills getting cleaned up. After that I think I will propose a once weekly "state of the union" talk where we can each have some time (1/2 hr? any thoughts? I'll put this on my list for therapist next week) to discuss issues, ask questions-infidelity, social media, what ever. Each of us can have some time, talk and then shelve it. My therapist has suggested that for now, I just focus on us having fun together-as we usually do, and wait for him to process and move forward, as he's generally a slow and deliberate processor. Practice patience.


Me: 57 H:60
Married: 25 yrs
DB #1 June 4/19
"I love you forever" June 14/19
DB#2: June 19/19 ILYBINILWY
Re: After vacation update.. [Re: BarbH] #2865704
09/18/19 04:41 PM
09/18/19 04:41 PM
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 26,504
Southern Maryland
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Glad you had fun on your vacation even w/the electric off for a few days. You needed that time to recharge your battery.

I am also glad to see that things are starting to settle down a bit. I totally agree w/your therapist. Focus on having fun together, i.e., dating like you did in the beginning. Keep in mind, this is a new relationship and that means not falling back into old habits. Dig deeper for patience and it could take up to 18-24 months before he's finally settled into his own skin.

Don't rush the process...it will take as long as it takes for him to feel comfortable and actually open up to you.

Re: After vacation update.. [Re: BarbH] #2865770
09/19/19 09:58 AM
09/19/19 09:58 AM
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 165
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Welcome back Barb. Glad to hear the lines of communication have really opened up for you.

Continued success to you.


Never Give Up

BD: March 2019
H away: April-? Oct/Nov (at sea/work very remote)
BD: June
Re: After vacation update.. [Re: CanBird] #2865796
09/19/19 03:36 PM
09/19/19 03:36 PM
Joined: Jul 2019
Posts: 135
BC, Canada
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BarbH Offline OP
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Thanks Job and Canbird. I hope things continue to improve. I'm still having issues around dealing with my anxiety around relationship. I'm not sure he's really committed to working on it. Small things worry me even though they are probably illogical/ for example when I got back from vacation he's deleted his browsing history (embarrassed by what I found?) But hasn't erased anything since and has remained logged in. Still on facebook messenger at night but not with me. However I need to balance that with the other things that seem to be happening. And, I've decided to behave "as if" ..as if we are totally in track and I'm not worried. Trying to appreciate small moments and be upbeat, positive and continue with my gal.


Me: 57 H:60
Married: 25 yrs
DB #1 June 4/19
"I love you forever" June 14/19
DB#2: June 19/19 ILYBINILWY
Re: After vacation update.. [Re: BarbH] #2865902
09/20/19 01:14 PM
09/20/19 01:14 PM
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 165
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I'd react exactly the same! How can we not feel anxious? It's normal I'd say. "As if, as if.." and gal on gal! When is your next Tai Chi session? Do you still go to IC ?


Never Give Up

BD: March 2019
H away: April-? Oct/Nov (at sea/work very remote)
BD: June
Re: After vacation update.. [Re: BarbH] #2865993
09/21/19 01:37 AM
09/21/19 01:37 AM
Joined: Jul 2019
Posts: 135
BC, Canada
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BarbH Offline OP
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BarbH  Offline OP
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Thanks Canbird! Had coffee with Sister in law yesterday-I didn't ask, but she confirmed everything he's said re: reconciliation/the "what the h@ll am I doing" moment on the beach/and has talked about counselling as well. So I'm feeling much more reassured.

Tai Chi every Tuesday night, and yes, I'm still going to IC, but we're planning on a couple more weeks of weekly, then probably just a monthly check in depending how things are going. Her husband does weekend workshops and specializes in Goal oriented therapy (Hold me tight/Dr. Sue Johnson), so at some point....hopefully....

In the meantime-cautious forward progress. He even told his sister, it will be slow. I'm fine with slow, as long as it's progress.

It's been an illuminating time-I've learned how important friends and connections are, and will not lose them again. Also how important GAL is...will also not lose that again, nor my self-esteem.

Fingers crossed.


Last edited by job; 09/21/19 01:51 PM. Reason: edited language

Me: 57 H:60
Married: 25 yrs
DB #1 June 4/19
"I love you forever" June 14/19
DB#2: June 19/19 ILYBINILWY
I think he's still online [Re: BarbH] #2866006
09/21/19 04:51 AM
09/21/19 04:51 AM
Joined: Jul 2019
Posts: 135
BC, Canada
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BarbH Offline OP
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Hi all-well, he's home, and some of his "warmth" has backtracked. He says "that night was a setback" the night I "snooped". I find that a little rich coming from the man that cheated 15 years ago, has not told me for 15 years, and almost cheated again. We were cuddling on the couch watching tv, and I said something about I need to know that you're not texting/messaging behind my back. All I got was silence. Sometimes no answer is an answer.

So, we are into the bank on Friday next to do the financials. As much as it kills me, if there's no progress on the counselling/transparency plan front, I will be asking him to move out. We will remain separated. I can't be the person doing all the heavy lifting here. I don't think he's back because he loves me, I think he's back for financial reasons/plan b reasons. I told him I need to hear "I'm sorry, I love you, and I want this to work.". I'm getting waffling. So I will lay low for a week, but I'm not feeling optimistic. I think he's cake-eating/plan B'ing, after a moment of weakness 3 weeks ago.


Me: 57 H:60
Married: 25 yrs
DB #1 June 4/19
"I love you forever" June 14/19
DB#2: June 19/19 ILYBINILWY
Re: I think he's still online [Re: BarbH] #2866012
09/21/19 10:42 AM
09/21/19 10:42 AM
Joined: Jul 2019
Posts: 135
BC, Canada
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BarbH Offline OP
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Joined: Jul 2019
Posts: 135
BC, Canada
and he's deleted his ea from Facebook but they're still following each other on instagram. No more. Cake eating goes on. Push/pull goes on. I'm detaching again. Friendly until friday


Me: 57 H:60
Married: 25 yrs
DB #1 June 4/19
"I love you forever" June 14/19
DB#2: June 19/19 ILYBINILWY
Re: I think he's still online [Re: BarbH] #2866017
09/21/19 01:54 PM
09/21/19 01:54 PM
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 26,504
Southern Maryland
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Southern Maryland
I think it's a bit too soon for him to be moving back in. He needed to be living on his own and not at his sister's house. The man has to grow up before he can heal and become the man he should be. You may not get a true apology from him for a very long time. He may feel pressured to move back home because of the financials, etc.

I would suggest that you dig deeper for patience and do not be surprised if he leaves again. I'm sorry if I sound like a downer on this one, but he doesn't appear to be ready to do any of the heavy lifting to get his life back on track and work on a reconciliation.

I hope that I am wrong and If I am, I will be the first to apologize to you.

Re: I think he's still online [Re: BarbH] #2866023
09/21/19 03:08 PM
09/21/19 03:08 PM
Joined: Jul 2019
Posts: 135
BC, Canada
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BarbH Offline OP
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Joined: Jul 2019
Posts: 135
BC, Canada
Job, I agree entirely. You aren't a downer, you're a realist and you're confirming what my instincts are telling me. He's done none of the heavy lifting I've asked him to do, and I've been very point blank about what I need from him to get this back on track. I'm afraid there will actually be no back on track, and I'm becoming more and more comfortable with the idea. In retrospect we are once again dancing the pursuer/distancer dance. I set a heavy boundary ("if you're online dating, we are a business relationship only"), he gets closer. Then I get closer, and he starts distancing. At least I recognize it this time.

I don't think he has the emotional capability to actually grow up.

He will leave again, because Friday, once we've sorted out the money issues, I will be asking him to leave. I don't care where he goes, just go. At that point, as I know I can handle the bills, I will go dark-one text every 2 weeks on his payday with any bills that he needs to chip in on. If he wants to tell people I've thrown him out and it's my fault, oh well.

It's so bizarre-that he tells people we are "working on a reconciliation", kisses me good-bye in the morning, calls me 'hon', he tells me everywhere he's going and what he's doing, is working around the house-BUT-the two things I've asked him for? No. That speaks volumes.

I'm sad, but I'm okay.


Me: 57 H:60
Married: 25 yrs
DB #1 June 4/19
"I love you forever" June 14/19
DB#2: June 19/19 ILYBINILWY
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