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You don't want her to ruin you financially so my advice is to get a legal separation prepared so that you are protected as much as possible. I don't know your financial situation but in my world I needed to get it done so I could make sure my kid was provided for and to force her to start paying her share of the expenses.

You need to look after yourself.


H 37
W 31
S 2

T: 7
M: 4

BD 12/18
Separated 2/19
Living back together 04/06/2019
W Moved out again 07/15/2019
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Rick71 Offline OP
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Originally Posted by jac12
You don't want her to ruin you financially so my advice is to get a legal separation prepared so that you are protected as much as possible. I don't know your financial situation but in my world I needed to get it done so I could make sure my kid was provided for and to force her to start paying her share of the expenses.

You need to look after yourself.


That's my fear, that she leaves with no thought or concern of financials. I doubt she'd think of anything other than what she wants.


Me 48, W 47
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Rick hold tight on that convo for now, things are probably still too raw for now.


H 34
W 29
BD 3/12/18
Divorce Busted Spring 19

It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
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Originally Posted by ovrrnbw
Rick hold tight on that convo for now, things are probably still too raw for now.


I'm thinking that I'll wait until the day he swears in and heads off to basic. She'll be with me that day and we'll both have the day off. I think that's when I'll talk with her.

So I have time to get my head straight and work on detaching as much as I can. I want to get my thoughts lined out and my wording in place to keep the convo. as calm as possible, she's always been difficult to talk to. In the past (years ago) when I'd try and talk with her about issues, calmly, the first words out of her mouth had tones of anger, that would get me worked up and would turn our convo into an unproductive argument.

I think that's why when things didn't feel right over the past couple years, I didn't know how to approach it without starting a fight. She didn't come to me to talk either and now I'm in the current sitch.

So this is my plan right now, as long as she doesn't bail on us before my S is gone. Also trying to ramp up my GAL activities.


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Originally Posted by “Rick”
In the past (years ago) when I'd try and talk with her about issues, calmly, the first words out of her mouth had tones of anger, that would get me worked up and would turn our convo into an unproductive argument.

Listening to and validating someone who’s upset at us is challenging.

Last edited by CWarrior; 09/21/19 03:32 PM.
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Reposting, not sure why it didn't go thru.


Thinking I may need to talk with my wife before my son leaves for basic training, maybe in a couple weeks. My feelings now the marriage is probably done and I need to prepare myself for the big D, or at least separation.

I don't feel the fear of losing my marriage as much as my fear that she's going to hand me divorce papers and put me in a position to pay for a divorce I can't afford and a bad sitch financially with the house. I don't know if she's talked to a lawyer yet as I can't access any of her email accounts, I just want to assume the worst to prepare for it. I feel that if she's planning on doing anything, she's probably waiting until S is gone to do it since she's done nothing yet.

Things between us while she's home have been good. No arguments, no anger, we get along good and talk about most anything, except MR. (not saying I expect her to or I want to at this point, this is just the overview of out interactions). In my mind, I'm seeing this as her keeping things calm until the S is gone (even though I'm sure she hates faking she wants to be here and not with OM), and then putting her plan in action. (again I'm just trying to view a worst case scenario)

So, with having a talk with her in maybe a couple weeks, I hope to get the ball rolling in a more favorable direction for me and suggesting either a legal separation or uncontested divorce (looking online, was shocked to see contested divorces can cost thousands, even 10’s of thousands)

My idea is to NOT talk MR or reconciliation. Just discuss with that I want to hold off doing anything until S is gone and that when ever she’s ready to work out the details of the div. or sep., that we’ll sit down and discuss the details, and that I understand how she feels and that she’s done with us. I don’t want to stand in her way of her happiness. If she’s still unsure what she’s doing, I’ll give her more time.

I won’t bring up the OM, as I thing that’ll take any talk in a bad direction.

Again, I feel that I need to make the first move so that I don’t get served first. I will be talking with a lawyer soon as well.
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Doing this in a couple weeks is still open to change, maybe 4 weeks from now, not sure. I just want to address this before she does something. Neither of us can afford a divorce alone, but the OM is an IT manager probably making 6 figures, she wouldn’t have trouble with paying for her share of it if that’s what he wants.

Any comments from the above are greatly appreciated.


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So my W continues to remind me why I want to get the ball rolling on either a separation or divorce. Just when I was thinking maybe I was jumping the gun on talking in a couple weeks, she's at the OM house for the 4th night in a row. She always tells me one of 3 friends names, but she's with him.

She's been with him a lot since the BD. In the past 2- 2 1/2 years, shes done a lot with "Jennifer", "Brooke" or "Alice". These are the only friends I know of that aren't on her facebook and I've never seen pictures of any of them. Which is odd considering all the boating and camping weekends they've done together, would have thought there'd be pictures and facebook postings of all their fun.

I know I shouldn't have looked (snooped) into things and just DB'ed, but it was done to protect myself since she's been gone a lot. Seems the OM was married as of possible last year. Looking at tax records on the house, his wife was removed from ownership August of last year. I believe my W has been seeing him over 2 years so this affair may be what ended their marriage and now mine may be on the brink. Wouldn't surprise me if he's pushing for something to happen, because when she BDed me and her phrase "I can't do this anymore" leads me to believe she couldn't handle faking our marriage and that when my son backed out of the army, it was going to prolong her plans.

So this is my reasoning for wanting to move towards a separation or an uncontested divorce before she does since we have no minor children and it's only our financials and all the stuff we own that needs divided. It doesn't mean I'm giving up on her, recon can still happen but I don't think it'll happen while she's here.

But I won't wait forever.


Me 48, W 47
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R,

If you think waiting on your son is better for him I think you should just wait it out. You know now so stop snooping. Start to prepare on how you want to live the rest of your life moving forward.

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Yep, no more snooping, already know all I need. As far as my son, I'm still thinking of talking to her on a couple weeks and then breaking the news to him about what we decided. He'll have about 6 weeks to process it and I'll be here for him to answer any questions. Other wise he'd find out after basic training and I doubt that would be any better.

I don't plan on bringing up OM when we talk divorce or separation, but not knowing what her plans are, if she tells me she needs more time living at home to think things over (continuing the current living sitch), should I bring OM then and let her know this can't continue (her cake-eating)?

What's the best way to handle the OM issue?


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R,

Well legally it is her house so she entitled to live there until she’s off the deed.

As for the talk I’m not sure what you are trying to accomplish with the talk? Can you explain?

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