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phnix #2865884 09/20/19 11:34 AM
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Originally Posted by bballer1
Ok I’ve put her out the master bedroom and I have been coming home late trying to stay busy at work. I have also quit texting her every time she text me during the day.


Great. Now have ZERO expectations. Don't watch her like a hawk to see if she's getting closer, or pulling away, or wondering why she's not reacting, or reacting negatively. Because any of that is STILL you not pulling away like you think you are, right?

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Now as I pull away she seems to be pulling away as well. She was concerned and worried for maybe one day but the past two days she seems to be pulling further away from me. She didn’t say maybe two words tonight and she went to her room and has been working on school work


Case in point. What she does needs to cease to be your concern. When you have time, read TXHubby's sitch:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...ain=60640&Number=2748478#Post2748478

He started out as a very typical DBer, trying all the "tricks" and monitoring his cheating W for results. Stuck in limbo and slowly dying because of it. Then one day he had an epiphany, asked himself why he was letting his W have so much control over his health, safety and well-being. In an instant he detached and dropped the rope and never looked back, he was DONE. He went about doing his own thing and barely said two words to his W unless he absolutely had to. He didn't care what she did or with who, he got busy doing his own thing. Lost weight, dressed like a stud, occupied himself with all kinds of GAL activities. THEN his W realized not what she "was losing" but "had already lost" and she literally begged him to take her back.

^^^THAT is what it takes.^^^ All this "I've detached but my wife is doing ABC and not doing XYZ, why? What am I doing wrong?", that is NOT detachment. It is pretend detachment, and it will make NO DIFFERENCE in your sitch. Seek to understand what REAL detachment is and pursue it.


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
phnix #2865914 09/20/19 02:47 PM
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Yeap. What LH and AS are saying. Detach is not giving a f@ck.

No fear BB. Her loss.

GAL, detach, DB!

(((BB)))


WW H(me): 53
W: 48
T: 27 M: 22
S: 18
Piecing since 03/2016
Saw the light in the storm
phnix #2865917 09/20/19 03:43 PM
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Yeah it’s not surprising she’s “pulling away”. I use it in quotes because she was never there in the first place. She was just using you for moral support. If you guys work this out it will take years. Until she comes to you and says “baller I’ll do whatever it takes to work this out”.


LH is absolutely right that the onus is on her to do "her" work and make amends and show true contrition and demonstrate a commitment to fixing things, etc etc... but i would take issue with the "it will take years". IMHO (and in my experience) time-frame with WWs is largely irrelevant once the affair matures-- that is, you are a few months in. Sandi2 herself has said on numerous occasions that the timeframe for affair recovery and reconcilliation (where possible, because it not always is) would be drastically shortened in many cases if the LBH upon affair discovery immediately "dropped his own bomb" and said "get out, I'm done with you." Sadly, most of us, myself included, are not so sharp and on the ball and/or have not been properly coached/advised. Others, as AnotherStander has noted, go through the motions of DB-ing and setting boundaries and detaching but do not truly do so... and a WW can smell such insincerity like a shark smells blood. The bottom line is that the affair will end and reconciliation, if possible, will start at whatever point the WW suffers or recognizes some kind of "loss" from her wayward behavior and hits "rock bottom". By definition almost, that will not happen while you are still "attached" and interested in her and her doings and her affair(s), nor will it happen before you become, through GAL-ing and DB-ing, the best you you can become and AMOAFWL. You need to drop the rope and move on with your own awesome life. For better or worse, we all manage to achieve such success and detachment at varying rates of speed, and affairs, once "ripe" have an indeterminate lifespan... though certainly one measured at a minimum in weeks to months. This can mean that, after you get hit with the initial BD, it can be anywhere from a few weeks to, yes, several years before any true reconciliation/piecing begins (in my opinion it doesn't need to be "years"-- it was not in my case--13 months-- nor, i believe, was it the case with TXHubby or Sandi2, though i could be mis-remembering). The focus, however, should be on you and not on any kind of countdown clock... if you're truly detached, the length of the affair and of your W's waywardness will not be of concern to you.

So the end advice from me is the same: Detach, detach, detach, GAL, GAL, GAL.... It's just that i always thought the pronouncement of "it will take years" (and there is a sizeable contingent on this board that preaches that) is a bit too "gloom and doomer". This is, after all, divorce busting, meaning, i would presume, that one of the desired goals of one's self improvement, detachment, etc is, if possible and consistent with our own new, awesome life, a reconciliation of the MR. Maybe some think it is too hard for a person to entertain that future possibility in the back of their mind and be truly "detached", but i do not. Rather, it's a matter of getting yourself in the right frame of mind that you will be just fine whether or not your MR reconciles even as, all else being equal, you view reconciliation as a desirable goal.

Last edited by hoosjim; 09/20/19 03:48 PM.

H53/W51, R-ing 4/'18

"Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires"-Sg.of Sg 2:7

"So oftentimes it happens,that we live our lives in chains, & we never even know we have the key"-Eagles III 1:3
phnix #2865925 09/20/19 05:23 PM
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jac12 and LH19, I agree with both of you guys. Trying to detach has helped me with moving forward but I always have this strong urge to comfort her or I get caught up in a hug or a kiss etc.....

Last night she decided to vent a little and I ended up walking away. Before I got out she was crying and telling me that she loved this man and she loved me too. Either way she is gone and lost in the world that she has created. I think her anger is due to me telling the OM's wife and now she is coming after them and causing them discomfort in their jobs.

I will have to admit trying to Detach and GAL is so difficult at this point but its getting easier. I wish the process could be a lot quicker somehow. Its hard to just move forward and forget about the past. She is so caught up emotionally and attached to him that she may never make a choice to leave the affair. Rumors, destroyed lives, broken homes, damaged kids, devastated family members, and damaged careers - none of this matters or hits home.

On a positive note, my book arrives tomorrow. I have you guys to talk too!!! I have two sons that love me and will forever be by my side. I have a lot to be thankful for and I am never alone in this struggle. I am truly thankful for the folks on here that respond and help others out. I feel like I need a huge vacation right now.

Slowly getting stronger everyday but darn it's a SLOW process.

phnix #2865927 09/20/19 05:33 PM
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Sorry, didn't read the other post before posting.

"hoosjim" - Thank you for your write up. This makes a lot of sense and thanks for the other thread to read. She did mention she may move in with her parents and this will help with me detaching. I've already asked her to continue staying in another room and would never have thought about doing that a couple of weeks ago. Maybe my process is slower but I feel better knowing that some have taken longer to learn how to Detach. GAL is easy for me because I play a lot of golf and that takes up a lot of my time during the day on the weekends.

phnix #2865936 09/20/19 06:11 PM
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I don’t know HJ, Steve is one of our quickest turnarounds and he’s still figuring out years later. Maybe I should have said it will be many many years until this is completely behind you.

phnix #2865937 09/20/19 06:21 PM
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BB,

I agree with Jim on the time frame of possible recon. I came to this board in Aug 2017. I DB a month before, I had, had enough of her BS. In Sept of 2017, I fully prepared myself to be divorced and moving on. So, in Sept 2017, on a night o caught my WW talking to the OM again, I told her to pack her sh!t and get the hell out. I meant it, I didn't asked her too come back, after that night, I started moving forward with my life. By the end of OCT 2017, she was texting me, calling me everyday, I would always keep it short. And then while we would be around each other she would touch me, I would just look at her, like what are you doing. If I remember correctly, on Halloween or the day before, I asked her what's is she doing, she said, "I'm working on this marriage, I don't know about you". I was like huh! Ok

But that was a two month turn around. No telling, where I would of been without, this forum and the Vets. I had AS, Sandi, TXHubby, a few others, giving me great advice.

I will add on to what the others are saying about some things that hinder progress. I really think, the most LBSs are emotionally attached to ONE outcome and that's recon. Being attached to that one outcome makes most LBS afraid to do anything to upset their Wayward spouses, but what I've noticed is once most LB detach themselves from the outcome being recon and Accept, that they can't control the outcome, they DB more effectively. Key word ACCEPT!

I sat in my car and ran every possible outcome thru my head, I cried thinking about D and S. I saw myself being Divorced and separated. It hurt, but it help me ACCEPT whatever happened from that point on.

Let go of recon and focus on DB!!!!


M:37 W:37
T:11 M:10
S17, S13, S10, S4
BD:06/28/17
OM confirmed 07/20/17
Recon the M 10/29/17
Working hard:2gether

Onward and forward

This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
phnix #2865954 09/20/19 07:43 PM
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Baller - just keep in mind that your W chose this path. It's hers to walk and she'll have to figure out what the next steps are for herself.

The stronger you are, in every sense of the word, the more respect she'll have for you and that increases your chances of getting back together (if you choose to want that down the road).

I'm going through separation agreement things right now and she doesn't seem to care one bit that she's broken up this family (but she also thinks she'll get 50/50 custody and she won't owe me anything - read my update to see what my L said today). It's brutal and heartwrenching but if this is who she is than I don't want her in my life. If she does the hard work on herself to change than I will be open to getting back to where we were but that door is closing more each week.

Be strong for your kids and set a good example. Let your W realize things on her own.


H 37
W 31
S 2

T: 7
M: 4

BD 12/18
Separated 2/19
Living back together 04/06/2019
W Moved out again 07/15/2019
LH19 #2865962 09/20/19 08:27 PM
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Maybe I should have said it will be many many years until this is completely behind you.


I'd say i agree with that.

From affair start to BD was about six to eight weeks, depending on when you consider the line to "EA" being crossed, and from BD to starting counseling in any even kind of meaningful fashion was 7 months. Even then, it turned out W was still entertaining phone calls from OM at her work and the ultimate turnaround-- which was dramatic--didn't come until 14 months after initial BD. Even at that point, however, you're only just starting down the path. We still have points where the affair or her waywardness comes up as an issue, and that doesn't even count the other marital issues that pre-existed the A that we had to work on and still face from time to time. Once something like that (an affair) happens in a marriage, I'd say the "work" to repair it never really ends, though i'd imagine you'd reach a plateau after a point (as you intimate, probably years later) where it is merely an unpleasant memory and doesn't warrant any "work" on improving/protecting the MR. We are currently two-plus years past any "active" contact between my W and OM, and 18 months past "No contact of any kind", and it still has the proven potential to pop up as an issue. We even had a discussion about it while we were away this past weekend for our 24th anniversary. The work never stops.


H53/W51, R-ing 4/'18

"Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires"-Sg.of Sg 2:7

"So oftentimes it happens,that we live our lives in chains, & we never even know we have the key"-Eagles III 1:3
phnix #2865963 09/20/19 08:37 PM
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Joe,
Makes perfect sense focusing on the right thing helps you detach. One thing that helps me lately is the thought of my old marriage being dead and that my wife is a different person. I have also been dealing with this for 3 months and I have witnessed a lot of betrayal and disrespect. Watching her live this double life and knowing the facts has hardened my heart to some degree. Not many people stumble across the information I did. Looking back I wish I hadn't because I know everything that happened in detail.

Doubts of Recon have seriously crossed my mind and has allowed me to move forward. Knowing she would have to work in this environment for a year is something I'm not sure I can live with unless I completely detach.

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