I think she's been upset about an argument we had on Sunday about the relationship.
What did you argue about? Sorry to hear that--sex and an invite to lunch Monday was promising.
Originally Posted by "Dbx80"
"Did you want to get dinner tonight with me?"
"No. I adore you, so this is hard, but I won't do an open relationship." I would only send this message if you are actually up to enforcing this boundary. I deeply regret boundaries I stated then flipped on. It's your call to go boundary / no boundary, but if you set a boundary, be sure you're up to enforcing it.
So are you saying I should literally tell her "no more dinners, no texting, no phone calls, no happy little conversations, because I will NOT be involved in a relationship any longer with a cheater." Am I supposed to explicitly say this to her, in no uncertain terms?
I didn't really mean to literally tell her that, I meant that that should be your internal dialog. She's actively engaging in an affair and until it ends you should keep any contact with her to an absolute minimum and whenever she reaches out then you remind yourself "I will NOT be involved in a relationship any longer with a cheater". Now if she does demand to know why you're distancing, you can say something like that but in a more diplomatic manner, such as "you are actively engaging in an affair and I feel I need time and space from you right now to consider my options moving forward." That puts her on notice that you are not waiting around as Plan B, but in a way that's not rude or cold.
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If so, won't she just run straight to the OM?
She's already there, you can't run to where you already are. Even when she's around you she's with OM. Your actions need to be driven by a desire to save yourself, not driven by fear of what impact it will have on her.
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When I told her to stop talking to the OM before, she said it was important for her to make that decision herself (instead of being pressured into it).
You can't make demands of her, but you can make boundaries. That's the difference between what you did and what I suggested above. When you say "I need time and space while you are engaging in an affair" then you are not telling her to stop the affair, you're telling her that you will not put up with it. You will not be her bestie. When you tell a wayward what to do then what is their response? They rebel against you and do it anyway. Boundaries are about protecting yourself, not making someone else do something.
Originally Posted by Dbx80
Thanks you guys. OK, she has just texted me the following: "Did you want to get dinner tonight with me?"
Can you guys help with the appropriate response? I don't want to mess this up.
I wouldn't go. Read TXHubby's sitch, it'll give you an idea of what a miserable failure it is trying to "nice" a wayward back:
The way you see things right now, you're playing a "pick me!" game with her. You're hoping you can win her favor by showing you're nicer, a better friend and more available than OM. Please have more self-respect than that, you do not deserve a scumbag cheating wife! I really wish you would see her as a scummy cheater because that's what she is. She has the potential to be a great wife again I'm sure, but for now you're dealing with a lot of sleaziness and you're in denial about it. Your attitude should be "I want nothing to do with you until you repent of this waywardness and come back to me with a humble heart and spirit" (again, don't say this to her, this is your internal dialog).
What did you argue about? Sorry to hear that--sex and an invite to lunch Monday was promising.
Basically about everything. I foolishly asked if she had any new thoughts about our situation, or if she had reached any kind of conclusion. She blamed me for everything and it ended in a shouting match. Not my best moment.
Originally Posted by CWarrior
"No. I adore you, so this is hard, but I won't do an open relationship." I would only send this message if you are actually up to enforcing this boundary. I deeply regret boundaries I stated then flipped on. It's your call to go boundary / no boundary, but if you set a boundary, be sure you're up to enforcing it.
So one thing I should let you know is that when we agreed to the "break", one of the rules that we both agreed to was that we could date or see others, as long as there was no "physical stuff". I realize now that it was a mistake for me to agree to that back then, since I don't want to be in an open relationship. Given that I'm now backtracking on our initial agreement from 6 weeks ago, should I address that in any way?
My reading of your first message is that you caught her in an EA and told her to stop texting the OM. She refused, but gave you the consolation prize that you can date others (a break).
Originally Posted by "Dbx80"
So one thing I should let you know is that when we agreed to the "break", one of the rules that we both agreed to was that we could date or see others, as long as there was no "physical stuff".
To be clear, when did you catch her in an EA vs. agree to a break? Who proposed these terms, and why did you agree to them (potentially expanding her affair to local people)?
Originally Posted by "LH19"
I’ve thought about it and this isn’t working for me. I’m not interested in being in an open marriage.
My reading of your first message is that you caught her in an EA and told her to stop texting the OM. She refused, but gave you the consolation prize that you can date others (a break).
Well first she dropped the bomb on me (“I love you but I’m not in love with you”). Then a couple of days later, I caught her texting the OM. She then agreed to “take a break” in lieu of getting a divorce, with the understanding that we could see others during the break (but that we could not do anything physical or sexual with them).
Originally Posted by CWarrior
Who proposed these terms, and why did you agree to them (potentially expanding her affair to local people)?
She proposed the terms. I said I didn’t feel comfortable with those terms, and then she kind of shut down on me and it seemed like she was backing off the idea of a “break” and just going back to the idea of a “divorce.” In order to appease her and avoid her filing for divorce, I agreed to her terms.
