Married 21 years. Husband had an affair 11 years ago and we reconciled. I recently got the ILYBINILWY speech. New affair? Midlife Crisis? Walk away husband? (a lot of built up resentment)
He 'doesn’t want to be married anymore.' He’s moved into the spare bedroom. He doesn’t want to work in the marriage, But he says he’s not 100% sure he’s doing the right thing, Also, he spoke with my daughters councillor who told him us getting divorced right now would be catastrophic for her.
I wrote an apology letter (2 wks ago) and he knows I would do anything to save the marriage (which he said makes things worse, because "why couldn’t you do that before."
Since then, I’m not sure how to act. My question is, do I try to keep things as normal as possible? I’m not sure what to do about daily living things, such as cooking dinner and laundry? Do I resume my position coaching his team along side of him (starts Sunday?) Do I go to his family’s house for special occasions? Do I pretend everything is the same for our kids? (15 and 18)
How much should I be detaching at this point?
I’ve been doing a pretty hard 180, not asking him about the relationship, not contacting him during the day and keeping the convo about the kids. We usually walk the dogs together every night, which we’ve still been doing.
I kind of feel like this is allowing him to live a double life...getting all the benefits of home life (no sex) but experimenting with freedom and what it would be like to be single.
I want to talk about selling the house, and money, etc. to give him a little does of reality, but so far I haven’t said anything.
How long do I let this limbo go on?
Also, How do I know he’s not moving around finances, etc....how can I get my ducks in a row in case this really does go South?
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
So, the sports team we’ve been coaching for the past 4 years has their first game on Sat. Do I go and play my part as if everything is normal or bow out because I mainly do it because I’m his wife?
Also, I noticed he took his ring off. Should I take mine off too? 🙄
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted by Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Choco, your story caught my attention because I also have a bomb dropper who is still very interested in nice chats and long walks in the park. In my opinion, it is a positive that he does not hate your guts and I don't think anyone is going to say it's a bad thing that he still enjoys spending time with you. That said, cake eating is real and it can enable it to give up your friendship for free when what you really want is more. The reality is, realizing that closeness is going to be gone is a tough blow even for a WAS and actually feeling it is sometimes enough to make them waver in their decision to leave. It might help you get another chance to cut them off as soon as they BD, but keep in mind it won't fix the root issue.
I'm sorry you're here and going through this. I have a few questions below because I really want us to understand your situation so we can do our best to help you. Take care, and well wishes.
Originally Posted by "Choco44"
Husband had an affair 11 years ago and we reconciled.
Are there any indicators of an affair now?
Originally Posted by "Choco44"
Also, he spoke with my daughters councillor who told him us getting divorced right now would be catastrophic for her.
Do you agree?
Originally Posted by "Choco44"
Also, How do I know he’s not moving around finances, etc....how can I get my ducks in a row in case this really does go South?
Retain an attorney. Get a free consultation.
Originally Posted by "Choco44"
I kind of feel like this is allowing him to live a double life...getting all the benefits of home life (no sex) but experimenting with freedom and what it would be like to be single.
In what way(s) do you see him experimenting with what it would be like to be a single man?
Originally Posted by "Choco44"
I want to talk about selling the house, and money, etc. to give him a little does of reality, but so far I haven’t said anything.
Sounds like drama. I'd skip anything like this.
Originally Posted by "Choco44"
I wrote an apology letter (2 wks ago) and he knows I would do anything to save the marriage (which he said makes things worse, because "why couldn’t you do that before."
What did you apologize for? You mention your 180s involved less contact with him, and you want to give him doses of reality.. do any of your 180s address what you were apologizing for?
