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A Message from Michele
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Re: Divorce because I betrayed her trust - PART 3 [Re: DaB35] #2865665
09/18/19 10:24 AM
09/18/19 10:24 AM
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DaB35 Offline OP
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DaB35  Offline OP
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Yes we're definitely both on the mortgage. We have already agreed everything will be split 50/50 equally - house proceeds, joint bank accounts. We have agreed in writing to not split the balances of our personal bank accounts, or pensions. I've sorted my 2 pensions out - knowing W, she hasn't done this yet. I'm not helping!

We've also mutually agreed on which items in the house we'll take.

Maybe when I have my own place I could get some stuff too - can't afford it at the mo and no space at parents' house!


Me - 36, W - 32
No kids
T - 8 yr, M - 3 yr
Discovery - 14 May 2019
S - 25 May 2019 & D bomb - 29 July 2019
D & House sale final - Feb 2020
Re: Divorce because I betrayed her trust - PART 3 [Re: DaB35] #2865668
09/18/19 12:07 PM
09/18/19 12:07 PM
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 8,138
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AnotherStander Offline
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Posts: 8,138
Dan, glad to hear you went outside your comfort zone on the gym and that it all worked out, hopefully that'll encourage you to seek out other new GAL activities as well!


Me: 59 w/ S17, D23, D26
Current R: 4 years
Previous M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:56
Re: Divorce because I betrayed her trust - PART 3 [Re: DaB35] #2865672
09/18/19 12:19 PM
09/18/19 12:19 PM
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 532
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DaB35 Offline OP
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Thanks AS - yes definitely outside my comfort zone, and it all ended up being absolutely fine!

Planned a few days out in the next fortnight or so. Going to a show in London with my mum next week for example. Just booked a random day off work - I never really do that! Cant' wait for gig season to begin in October - more pocket money!

Little things work.


Me - 36, W - 32
No kids
T - 8 yr, M - 3 yr
Discovery - 14 May 2019
S - 25 May 2019 & D bomb - 29 July 2019
D & House sale final - Feb 2020
Re: Divorce because I betrayed her trust - PART 3 [Re: DaB35] #2865726
09/18/19 08:41 PM
09/18/19 08:41 PM
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 532
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DaB35 Offline OP
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One thought - my mum has said I shouldn't ignore W too much as it may come across rude.
I'm trying to explain that I'm detaching and letting her get on with stuff.

My mum feels sorry for W as she'll be living in a cramped room in her brothers little house and will struggle to run her businesses after the house is sold. I feel for her too of course - I'm not heartless. But it is her choice to do all of this - I wanted to R and sort things out together but she was not interested. Yes, everything that caused this was down to me. But she wouldn't try.

It was her decision to fall out of love with me in 3 months, stop the M and start D. Or is this one of those 'believe only half of what they say' moments?

What are people's thoughts? E.g. when she texted me to say "someone's coming round on Wednesday to take pics of the house" I did not respond. I didn't think it necessary - I don't live there, I won't see the pics, and wr haven't arranged to meet up to do anything at all regarding anything. I've still not replied and won't.


Me - 36, W - 32
No kids
T - 8 yr, M - 3 yr
Discovery - 14 May 2019
S - 25 May 2019 & D bomb - 29 July 2019
D & House sale final - Feb 2020
Re: Divorce because I betrayed her trust - PART 3 [Re: DaB35] #2865738
09/18/19 10:40 PM
09/18/19 10:40 PM
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DS9 Offline
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Hey Dan

Sorry, I didn't mean the mortgage, I meant the house ownership. Not sure exactly what its called in UK, but do a Title search to see if your and the W's name are on the title/deed as registered owners. If so, you'll need to sign and agree to any house sale Contract etc. If not, she could do things without you knowing. See a lawyer to check

With your agreement, is this legally binding in a consent order or whatever you call it in the UK? If not, you may wish to do so to protect yourself. Again, see a lawyer asap.


Me: early 40's
XW: nearly 50
T: 15
M: 5
BD: Jan 19
S:10 SS: 22 SD: 24
Re: Divorce because I betrayed her trust - PART 3 [Re: DaB35] #2865767
09/19/19 07:47 AM
09/19/19 07:47 AM
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 532
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DaB35 Offline OP
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DaB35  Offline OP
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Posts: 532
Yes we both own the house. I believe it was a requirement when we bought it originally.

Had a slight down moment yesterday evening. Thought about W and some nice times together. Then I thought about what I've achieved in the last couple of months and how I've made massive steps, and how sad it is that she decided not to be beside me to witness these changes. I started to feel better. I keep saying to myself, 'it's her loss'.


Me - 36, W - 32
No kids
T - 8 yr, M - 3 yr
Discovery - 14 May 2019
S - 25 May 2019 & D bomb - 29 July 2019
D & House sale final - Feb 2020
Re: Divorce because I betrayed her trust - PART 3 [Re: DaB35] #2865777
09/19/19 12:17 PM
09/19/19 12:17 PM
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 8,138
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AnotherStander Offline
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Originally Posted by DaB35
One thought - my mum has said I shouldn't ignore W too much as it may come across rude.
I'm trying to explain that I'm detaching and letting her get on with stuff.


Well first of all that would be true if this was a typical argument between a couple. But it's not, you've been BD'd. Once that happens the WAS has closed off their heart to you for the time being. There is no amount of pursuit and/ or being nice that will help, in fact it usually makes things worse. That said, you definitely do not want to appear rude, the key is to "lovingly" detach. This is where Sandi's rules come in because they describe how you can detach without being cold/ rude/ indifferent. So read those rules every day as a reminder of how to behave around W.

Quote
My mum feels sorry for W as she'll be living in a cramped room in her brothers little house and will struggle to run her businesses after the house is sold. I feel for her too of course - I'm not heartless. But it is her choice to do all of this - I wanted to R and sort things out together but she was not interested. Yes, everything that caused this was down to me. But she wouldn't try.


Well you are exactly right. You played a role but in the end she was the one that decided to end things rather than work on it. So whatever fallout happens, that is 100% on her. You can feel sorry for her but do not try to rescue her.

Quote
What are people's thoughts? E.g. when she texted me to say "someone's coming round on Wednesday to take pics of the house" I did not respond. I didn't think it necessary - I don't live there, I won't see the pics, and wr haven't arranged to meet up to do anything at all regarding anything. I've still not replied and won't.


Either don't reply or reply with a very simple "OK" to texts like that.


Me: 59 w/ S17, D23, D26
Current R: 4 years
Previous M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:56
Re: Divorce because I betrayed her trust - PART 3 [Re: AnotherStander] #2865867
09/20/19 01:40 AM
09/20/19 01:40 AM
Joined: Jul 2019
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DS9 Offline
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Originally Posted by DaB35
Yes we both own the house.


Good. See a lawyer to discuss your agreement and to have that legally formalised.

Originally Posted by AnotherStander
[quote=DaB35]

Either don't reply or reply with a very simple "OK" to texts like that.


If there must be a reply, I think the thumbs up emoji conveys an even greater sense that you lack the time or inclination to even type ok.


Me: early 40's
XW: nearly 50
T: 15
M: 5
BD: Jan 19
S:10 SS: 22 SD: 24
Re: Divorce because I betrayed her trust - PART 3 [Re: DaB35] #2865883
09/20/19 07:49 AM
09/20/19 07:49 AM
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Posts: 532
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DaB35 Offline OP
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DaB35  Offline OP
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[Changed my username display slightly, in case anyone I know comes across this in google search and can identify me]

Journal

Had a great IC session yesterday. Really examining lots of NGS traits and what we can do to overcome them. My IC feels I've made such good progress that I don't need to see her weekly anymore Also good for saving a bit of cash!

We're not really talking about the porn thing anymore - she feels I've moved on from that and am owning that problem and really have made huge leaps in leaving all that behind. We've been focussing on unlearning certain trains of thought. All the GAL activities I've been doing have really sped things along - even in just a few months. It'll take loads more time and effort but I'm up for it!

Went to the gym last night at about 8 - was very quiet so a good time to go. Only been three times but it's done me a world of good. I'm intending to up my visits to 5/6 times a week doing various things. When I was on the machines I wasn't even thinking about what others were thinking about me, or if they were watching me. I just got there, did my thing, then left.

W texted me this morning (Friday) saying my certificate for my exams has arrived. Bit annoyed as I had asked them to post it to my work address a while ago! I'll ask her to post it on to me, as I'm not driving 40 miles to pick up a piece of paper. Naturally my boss needs to see it, so I can hopefully get that pay rise!













Last edited by DaB35; 09/20/19 07:50 AM.

Me - 36, W - 32
No kids
T - 8 yr, M - 3 yr
Discovery - 14 May 2019
S - 25 May 2019 & D bomb - 29 July 2019
D & House sale final - Feb 2020
Re: Divorce because I betrayed her trust - PART 3 [Re: DaB35] #2865887
09/20/19 11:47 AM
09/20/19 11:47 AM
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 532
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DaB35 Offline OP
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DaB35  Offline OP
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Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 532
Little update for today:

Having texted me about my certificate arriving, I waiting just over 2 hours, then said:

"OK, thanks for letting me know. Could you please post it on to me? I asked them to send it to work but clearly they didn't. I have a review with my boss next week and need to show it to him." Thought that was ok - polite request, plus reason for it.

She then asked if her phone number came up as her parents are saying her new phone sim was not displaying her correct number. I just said, "Yes number was usual one."

A little later she replied, "Oh that's so weird...[explained problem at length and how she has switched networks again and fed up of constantly ringing up companies]. I will post it on but can't get to post office til Monday I reckon."

I will wait another hour or so and simply reply "Yes Monday is fine. Thank you."

Just checking two things:
1. Should I 'validate' about her phone problem, e.g. "That sounds very frustrating." Or is it not necessary since it's not focussed on her feelings etc. and instead on just a 'thing'?

2. Are my responses ok and is it good that I'm waiting for a while before responding each time? It's getting easier to detach, and I figure if I wait then it looks like I'm busy and not waiting/expecting a text from her all the time.


Me - 36, W - 32
No kids
T - 8 yr, M - 3 yr
Discovery - 14 May 2019
S - 25 May 2019 & D bomb - 29 July 2019
D & House sale final - Feb 2020
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