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Good Morning Kristy

Originally Posted by Kristy84
I suppose I’m wondering what now? His parting words were “ let me know when you are ready to talk” which actually I think should be the other way round.

I plan on NC unless it’s regarding the kids. I think In his mind he thinks he can come round when he feels like it which won’t be the case.

Wondering what now. Yes, that is to be expected.

You are correct, H needs to be the one who is ready to talk. Be kind, and be NC except for kids.

He has moved out. See a L and get some legalities out of the way - car, tenancy, accounts, custody, etc. Again have the talk, you can decide which to proceed with.

I agree with you, H most likely feels he can come and go as his pleases. You may be alright with that or not. I think changing the locks is not unreasonable, and he can call if he needs to come over. This is of course assuming that is legally ok to do.

Time to focus and concentrate on you and your kids.

How did the discussion with the kids go?

(((Kristy)))

Hang in there.

DnJ


Feelings are fleeting.
Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.
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Thanks all.

I find NC fine to deal with. I don’t feel the need to contact him actually as I had stopped texting and calling months ago. I agree completely that it is my decision now if he ever wanted to come home and that there would need to be quite significant changes.

The talk with the children, which I left to him was that he is going to stay with a friend for a while because Mum and sad have been having arguments and we need some space apart to see if things can be fixed. I added that we both love them very much.

H cried his whole way through, I managed not to.

Because they are used to him being away for sport etc and the way he said for a while I think they think it’s short term. But then this morning they seem to be quiet and asking for hugs etc.

I am going to plan some fun things for us as a family and for me on my own to look forward to.

He has text twice already asking how we are, saying he’s sorry and how I feel. I haven’t replied.

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You will notice an immediate calm in your home with the negative energy gone
The leaving /ow seems to be a standard part of the MLC journey

MY XH came over quite a lot at the beginning 3-4 times a week sometimes to talk to me
sometimes to take or be with the kids

then they usually get worse
they use substances to deal with their pain because most cant/wont do traditional therapy to heal
and they have to cover it up
their choices also reap more pain so I believe they add to the underlying childhood issues as they continue to run from themselves

My children adjusted..yes it was hard in the beginning for them..then they got used to it and felt at ease knowing
I was there, was never leaving and he was available at times


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How's it going?

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Hi kml

It’s going ok. I was really sad the first few days but I feel I’m starting to feel good about myself. There’s no treading on eggshells and I can be me. I can breathe.

He came to babysit while I went to a school reunion and I stayed out at a hotel. New outfit, new makeup and I felt great. I could tell he hated it and tried to get me into bed the minute I got home. I resisted. I Feel like he’s doing this as he doesn’t want anyone else to have me not because he necessarily wants me himself.

The only problem I’m having is that he texts everyday asking how the kids are or phones or comes round whereas I don’t want him to. Hes got a foot in each camp and so space isn’t being given a chance.

He said “are you ok?” So I responded “yes I’m really good thanks” to which he replied “well I’m not so you can’t be”.

But you know what. I absolutely am, I’ve moved out of acting and I’m genuinely ok. I have hope for my future, new goals and dreams and love. Whether that be with H or not. And I’m excited!

Thanks for asking, I will keep you updated :-)

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Great!

I can understand your need for more space..

You can set boundries and limits with him

AS time passes, he will probably decline as he sees his new life is not working


MY XH came over a lot at first, to see the kids , to talk to me
to be in the house
then as time passed he adjusted to his new life and the freedom...saw kids less


married 14 years
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Quote
There’s no treading on eggshells and I can be me. I can breathe.

Yes!

Quote
He came to babysit while I went to a school reunion and I stayed out at a hotel. New outfit, new makeup and I felt great. I could tell he hated it and tried to get me into bed the minute I got home. I resisted.


Response: "I'm not sleeping with you until the OW is gone from our lives and you attend couples counseling with me. "

And you're right, the thought of you being around other men who might find you attractive drives him crazy Make him use that energy to DO THE WORK.

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Hi everyone

Things have been up and down like a rollercoaster this past 3 weeks since he moved out. He phoned me one day last week and said he would leave his job to make our relationship work. Then phoned the next day to ask about taking me on a date.

On Saturday he came round to watch the kids while I went out with friends. He was meant to be on the sofa however when I came home late he was in our bed. He became very paranoid and jealous, demanding to see my phone and saying he didn’t trust me. I didn’t show him my phone.

H then spent sun and Mon crying with his head in his hands refusing to speak to me. He wasn’t supposed to be staying but he wouldn’t leave. He didn’t go to work. I asked him to seek help for himself.

He treated me awfully at weekend and after saying that he had ended it with ow I logged on to my computer only to find ow had sent him her childcare invoices for her kids. I didn’t snoop, he had left emails open from being round at weekend. He refuses to pay for ours. So I phoned him and hit the roof. He said he was printing it off for her and nothing else.

I spent the next few hours in a text row and ended it with you choose to continue a relationship with her which means you don’t get to have one with me.

And now it’s me feeling awful again today for saying terrible things despite my hurt because I know his head isn’t in a good place either.

Do you think I should apologise for saying hurtful things or leave it be now?

Thanks


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Good Morning Kristy

Well done resisting his advances and demands to “see” your phone. Keep standing up to him, and by that, standing up for yourself. You are worth it!

H staying over Sunday and Monday is a little troubling. He’ll get use to the idea. I understand the plan of him watching the kids while you go out. However, you can hire a babysitter, for when you want to go out. You are then in complete control of you, not at the will or whim of if he is coming over.

He can take the kids out for time with them, and them with him. It is probably better than seeing Dad laying around all depressed and crying on the sofa. There are lots of options, coming to the house is only one of many.

The invoice for OW’s child care, yeah... If you’re done with someone, then you wouldn’t even print an invoice for them. He may be trying to be done, and still has a long ways to go. Don’t really know. Remember - watch their actions not the words. MLCers will lie with ease, they do it to themselves at an almost constant rate. Their “new and improved” story playing on loop in their mind.

I’m sorry you got pulled into a couple hour long text battle. You did end it correctly - if he is with her, he is not with you.

Regarding apologizing. I don’t know all the hurtful things you said over the long conversation. It being text both you and him, and whom ever else he shows, can reread it, over and over and over. Keep written conversations short and kind.

I’m sure what you said was true, at the moment, and probably driven by emotions. You are hurt and lashed back, and now regret it. It’s ok, learn for next time. Remaining cordial is more for you than him. You won’t affect his path that much, don’t worry. You do affect your path.

If you said something you really feel bad about. Something totally false. Fine, you could apologize for a specific outburst. I recommend not (remember only you know all you said) and leaving it be.

Learn, and demonstrate that learning next time. As much as we shouldn’t listen to their words and more follow their actions; they don’t listen well to our words but will listen to our actions. That is maybe the best way to apologize, to him and yourself.

I know you feel awful right now, it will pass, feelings always do. Dust yourself off, and keep moving forward.

You are doing really good. Do have a wonderful day. (((Kristy)))

DnJ


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There is nothing wrong with an apology
simple and short to clear the air-to embrace our part in it
But with no expectations because the other person might blame you and take no responsibility at all-

In my opinion,This is a tough situation even for MLC land
He doesnt want to let you go-

was it because he and OW broke up?
did he break up with her to try to get you back
Is he too confused to do anything

He is obviously still connected to her and what concerns me is if he fights with you and then her will he continue to go back and forth
Is he running from his pain to either you or her
Will this type of behavior continue?
to keep you hooked in
I would watch his actions as DNJ says very carefully
dont overlook any details

Is he willing to really let her go and work on the Relationship
Will he work on his side of things
You will be able to see if he is really ready to work with you-
just watch him

Is he going to keep you hooked in while he plays and decides

Decide what is true and best for you

He will have to figure his issues out
and remember MLC is childhood issues unresolved, so you cant help him with his pain-
and if he cant resolve his issues, he will repeat and repeat

I would get some DB coaching

for your pain
feel it
embrace it
then let it go
you did nothing wrong
you are a women trying to save a M
Trust yourself


married 14 years
H 42
bomb 2/07 IDLYA
D final 3 /09
M ow D ow
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