Welcome to the club! Sometimes they go back to normal and sometimes they don't. My XW very slowly returned to about halfway back to normal. I don't think she'll ever be her old self again.
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It’s like she literally hates my guts and I don’t know why. She won’t even lift her head to look at me walk through the front door.
She's projecting a lot of her issues onto you right now. It's all your fault. So she probably doesn't want to look at you because you remind her of all the junk she wants to forget. Is that fair to you? No of course not. But that's her mindset right now. So all you can do is keep doing your own thing and leave her alone to sort out her mess.
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I know I need to stay in my own sandbox but it’s so hard not to take notice.
Of course you'll notice, but the key is to remain detached. Notice but don't react.
I woke up feeling a little stronger today. I’m slowly starting to realize that this isn’t all my fault. I don’t know why I struggle with taking all the blame when it comes to this stuff. W is just as responsible as I am but she’s a master of making me think this is all my fault which really get me spinning.
Something occurred to me that I figured I would bring up.
My W is 43 and experiencing pre-menopause. She has been taking hormones and an anti-depressant for the last 4-5 months. About a month ago, she quit her anti-depressants.
My question is, is it possible this is a hormonal issue? I did a Google search and noticed lots of articles about divorce as a result of menopause.
Could be but who knows? We, because I'm similar in you trying to find answers, can't solve this for them. It could be anything and you'll drive yourself crazy trying to rationalize it.
After my W BD'd me I remember talking to her about her hormones, depression, postpartum, grief (her dad died after battling cancer in March). She agreed that all of this was likely affecting her and even ordered a hormone test on her own about 6 months before BD but never took it. She's not willing to do the work and I can't force her.
Everyone around my W can see that she isn't acting herself but she doesn't want to listen to anybody right now. So we move on and make sure we are living our best life.
H 37 W 31 S 2
T: 7 M: 4
BD 12/18 Separated 2/19 Living back together 04/06/2019 W Moved out again 07/15/2019
My question is, is it possible this is a hormonal issue? I did a Google search and noticed lots of articles about divorce as a result of menopause.Thoughts?
Wolf just posted the exact same question. The answer is the same as I gave him- yes, it could be. But does it affect your DB'ing? No. You will never know why she did this, she probably doesn't even know. All you can do is work on you and give her time and space to sort out whatever she is going through.
Something occurred to me that I figured I would bring up.
My W is 43 and experiencing pre-menopause. She has been taking hormones and an anti-depressant for the last 4-5 months. About a month ago, she quit her anti-depressants.
My question is, is it possible this is a hormonal issue? I did a Google search and noticed lots of articles about divorce as a result of menopause.
Thoughts?
Do you think it was hormonal the last 3 times she left you? Probably not. I think you're just trying to find a reason to justify what she is doing. We all want that answer, but most of us never get it. Why she is doing it is not as important as how you react to it. Focus on you and let her do her thing...
Me: 38 W:31 Kids: S16(mine from previous R), D10, S9, S4 M: 10 years T:12 years BD:Jan 3, 2018 W moved out: Apr 13,2018 Filed for D: Jun 2018 D final: Sep 2019
[/quote] Do you think it was hormonal the last 3 times she left you? Probably not. I think you're just trying to find a reason to justify what she is doing. We all want that answer, but most of us never get it. Why she is doing it is not as important as how you react to it. Focus on you and let her do her thing... [/quote]
You're right, Mtb. That's exactly what I'm doing. Thanks for the response.
I've gone through most of my old posts and it's crazy how similar the patterns are for each BD. Almost identical how they play out.
I want off the crazy train. I go back and forth between reliving all our great times spent together and missing my W, to anger and sadness that she has once again pulled the plug when things seemed to be on the right track.
I'm not blameless in all of this, but I just don't see anything that I've done that would be considered a deal breaker for her to leave the relationship and uproot D12 again.
Wondering about all of this stuff has gotten me no where and I understand that's why I must detach from it all.
I have all the same thoughts...how could I have been better, analyzing everything until I feel like a pile of crap about myself and am convinced it's all my fault. But I think as long as we have not abused our wives, no matter how moody we've gotten or critical or *fill in the blank*, it's not a justification to pull the plug. It isn't our fault. We may never fully understand the crazy train, why we have this toxic pattern in our life. But I do worry knowing a MR is 50/50 and even in divorce you still keep your half. If I am contributing somehow to the pattern then I want to know and understand that. Hopefully IC will help me with that.
The deja vu is surreal. Stuck in the same loop. But if it's true that this is all history rewritten, what comes next? Some form of reconciliation, right? I have the same mixed feelings as you. I would do anything to save my MR but if it's the same merry go round for the rest of eternity, at some point how do I not look at myself and ask why the $@#* I'm not getting off?
W finally decided to speak with me to tell me she got her own place yesterday. She said things aren’t working between us and that it’s time to go our separate ways. I didn’t react and just said ok.
She will be staying in town and my mom will still be picking her D12 up from school everyday. W said I could stay in D12’s life if I wanted to.
Then she asked me if I could give her $2900 to repay her for all the groceries and rent she’s paid for during her time here so she could buy D12 a bed. I have no problem helping make sure D12 has a bed. But pay her back for groceries and the minimal amount of rent she’s paid is insulting to me. I pay for 90% of our expenses. I just said I needed to think about it.
