Yea, I don't need any reaction from her. I already know it will be the same as yesterday, trying to "be there for me" when she has done nothing but the opposite. In reality, it will only make me feel worse. I don't even feel like telling her, maybe I'll wait for the moment. Detach, detach, detach...thanks for the support.
Still thinking...moving on is the strongest thing I can do. I have the right to be p!ssed. I should be. Taking this at face value and walking away as fast as possible is what any respectable person would do...And I have lost respect. I am strongly considering "throwing in the towel". This doesn't mean I forever close the door on possible R, but I just...move on.
What if I apply for jobs immediately? What if next week I have an interview scheduled Thursday morning in the big city and I leave Wednesday night before she gets back? The dogs would be fine, she would immediately assume responsibilities once she got home. I could stay in the city for a few nights until the weekend. Just tell her I have an interview Thurs and will be back on the weekend. Reconnect with all my old friends there, network and spread the word I'm looking for a job. Meet some new people as well and get a feel for what life would be like back there. I could easily squeeze out a few nights of extreme GAL and probably have a blast. I won't lie and say I don't get a little excited about the thought of moving back to the city I love and my old 'bachelor' lifestyle. I am still young, picking up right where I left off would be a lot easier than I think. All said and done, if I don't get the job (or the interview in the first place), I come home and no damage done other than letting W know I'm serious about dropping the rope.
I know she would be shocked by this. I mean I would shock myself. But maybe that is the point? It would be so empowering. And honestly confirm to me that I will be just fine if that is the direction it goes. I have made up my mind that I will not get sucked back into this unless she is on her knees begging. That would be another shocker, I can't even imagine it. But if there is any hope of avoiding this situation again, I can accept nothing less. That would be the only sign she has re-found some of her respect (and feelings).
Am I crazy? I don't want to rush anything or make any firm decisions. But this would just be a feeler for my options. No harm aside from probably shocking and infuriating W. Someone talk me down from the ledge.
Last edited by job; 09/21/1909:42 PM. Reason: edited language
First things first...do not "assume" anything when it comes to your wife. Do not leave those dogs alone. Find someone to take care of them or put them in a kennel and let her know about it.
What you are suggesting is kind of like playing games and this isn't the way to get her attention. The best thing you can do is schedule your interviews and advise her of the dates or you can advise her that you will be out of town for a few days. What you are suggesting is something a MLCer might do and you wouldn't like it if she did that to you. Don't lower yourself to her level, rise above her behavior, etc.
Actions speak louder than words, be the responsible adult here. Yes, you can go out and have some fun/GAL time, but go about leaving home the proper way, i.e., find someone to take care of the dogs, notify her about the dogs and yes, if you have an interview or just plan to be out of town tell her.
Shocking her w/your "new" behavior will not wake her up. She has to figure things out for herself and on her timeline, not yours.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Great words of wisdom, job, thank you. I definitely do not want to lower myself to any level. To be clear, I would not leave my dogs without arranging it with her. I would never do that. I just meant telling her I would need to leave for the interview and confirming she would be home. They would only be left for a few hours in this case.
Anyway, you are right, it is probably too rash. I just feel like such a failure that I have lost all her respect and attraction and somehow still haven't managed to gain it back. I must be doing something wrong.
You need to live your life, find things to do and go about your business the proper way. If you want to do things, do them for yourself and not for a reaction out of her. If there are things that you need to change about yourself, then by all means work on them...but make them a permanent part of your life and not to get a reaction out of her.
You are frustrated because things aren't turning about...it's understandable...but it takes a lot of time. What has happened didn't happen over night. It took years in the making and it's going to take a lot of time and effort on her part to grow up and want to return to you and the relationship. That's why it is very important to detach lovingly.
There is nothing wrong w/going out of town for a few days, but go about it the right way. You don't have to tell her everything you are planning to do, but you do need to advise her that you will be gone. It's just common courtesy.
When your wife sees that you are going about living your life and not watching her or attempting to get a rise out of her, she just may become curious enough to want to be w/you and do things w/you. You have to start at the very beginning when you first saw her and began dating. One step at a time and hopefully she will sense that the pressure is off of her and you are actually focusing on something else and not her.
You are not a failure, you are learning how to live again and that's why you are here...to learn and bounce things off of the posters.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Well...8 hours until the flight I was supposed to be on to see my W for her birthday/graduation. I still feel so angry. I don't know if that will go away this time.
I totally understand, 44. I'm in the same position.
I just want to be able to let her go. The hard part for me is letting go of all our shared dreams. We used to talk about retirement and all the cool things we wanted to do and explore. And now when I think about those things, it just brings sadness.
We really are living the same thing. It's so hard to let it all go. We just became first time homeowners and love our new house, were excited about our future in this new city. This was the next step and it's like she was right there until she wasn't. Now, it's just heartbreak all over again in a spot that was just barely starting to heal. All future dreams dashed.
I think I just can't be afraid to lose her this time. I am going to have to show some of my anger and call her out on her treatment. Thankfully, I can go back to all of the wonderful advice Sandi has given me on this topic.
I don't think she has solidified anything in her mind. Her sister told me she mentioned we were having problems and said something like sometimes its best not to do it together but that she didn't know what will happen. Last year, she told her family we were done. But I'm not reading too much into it.
I was expecting to hear she had a new travel buddy to drive home with or a place to stay on the way (since I'm expecting an A). She said she's leaving immediately after the graduation tomorrow and will get home as fast as possible. Again, no use speculating what that means. Maybe there is no A and she BDed me because she didn't like me calling her on her behavior. This makes me scared to do it again. But I know that I have no choice. If she can't handle having some semblance of standard demanded of her then she can have her wish to be on her own. Realistically, she probably can't and so be it.
I'm spinning today and I know it. She is going to be back before I can blink and I need to have all my ducks in a row.
