If it a 100 percent deal breaker for you then you should snoop to find out. What we don't recommend is snooping after you know because then it just becomes a pain inflicting obsession.
Just caught up on your last post. Your W sounds very similar to mine regarding her childhood trauma, addictions (and if she's gambling every time she has a day off, make no mistake - she's an addict) etc.
I would really encourage you to take a step back from your R with W at the moment and explore your codependency while in therapy. My concern for both of us is that while DB'ing is great at improving things, I think you are overlooking all the red flags in regards to W's mental stability, track record and traumas Some of those things will not change until your W realizes they are issues for her AND then decides she would like to tackle her issues in therapy (which could take years).
As you know, I have been NC with my W since she left me. And I'm starting to realize some things as I've started to honestly assess my relationship with W. While I am clearly far from perfect and have lots of codependency issues, my W (and yours it appears), are oblivious to their issues. And I worry that unless our W's decide to look inward at their issues, this is what we can both expect going forward (honeymoon periods, followed by complacency, then conflict, then another bomb - rinse, wash, repeat).
For me, the 4th bomb (can't believe it took me so long!) was enough to make me realize that there are patterns that I simply do not have any control over. No matter how hard I DB, or work on myself in therapy, or GAL, I am still only 50% of the equation. This pattern is bound to repeat itself over and over again, nothing changes unless something changes.
I'm curious how you met your W. What was she like when you met her?
Rooskers--thank you for sharing that, it's super valuable advice coming from your experience. I think that's what I'm going to do my best to do is assume it's an A. I think she has changed all her passwords and she sleeps with her phone. I don't know how I would even snoop if I wanted to. I will just be keeping my eyes wide open, I guess.
Thanks for your thoughts, T. I too am done with the cycle. I agree with you about the concern over my W's behavior and stability. It is so hard for me because it is like a phase shift. What happened to the W I had last month, you know? And then when you have been through the cycle repeatedly, it's even more confusing because you have seen it come and go and come again! It's so hard for me to give up on my W. Partly because it's so hard for me to believe she is this person.
Originally Posted by Thornton
I'm curious how you met your W. What was she like when you met her?
I met my W through mutual friends. It was after college when I had gotten a job and was still living in the big city. We fell in love very fast, it was like we had already known each other. She was very giving and loving at that time. She still is very giving in some ways as this is a huge part of her personality, but she has the problem of giving out of obligation and then feeling resentment. Back then, the resentment wasn't there so it was all good. I always sensed she struggled with vulnerability, but for some reason that is alluring to me (something for IC). So at first we were both enthralled and there were no problems. But it wasn't long before she started with her fear of being too close and committing. She would be conflicted, she wanted it but it caused a lot of negative emotions for her, for whatever reason. Likely because she is avoidant, as I discussed with Sandi in a prior post. So the relationship became fragile due to that and I was never able to feel secure. I knew I loved her and was committed on my side, but it became not enough to just give her the benefit of the doubt. I thought when we got married and moved overseas, she had decided to commit and move past some of her issues with it. And maybe that's what she intended. But I don't think she has done the work to move past them. So it just sits and we have this perpetual instability from bomb drops and her split personality when it comes to what she wants.
I have gone to IC two days in a row now, due to a chance opening (otherwise she is very booked). My IC is against the idea of me getting a job. She says I need to finish school through until May to get my master's and be done. She suggests I remain 'roommates' with W until then. She said a divorce takes three months from whenever it is initiated, which hasn't happened, and asked would W agree to it. Uh, probably not and I'm certainly not about to ask her. I am new and there is only so much time to have given her background, so I don't know how much she grasps or perceives at this point. She keeps suggesting W comes in with me and W can share what she wants and isn't getting, where it is clearly communicated. I told her we are nowhere near that point. I know exactly how W feels right now and she isn't going to come anyway. But she fully endorses GAL and says this should be my focus. I remain in my role taking care of the house and dogs and my schoolwork in exchange for room and board basically, and use the rest of my time to make new friends and hobbies. She suggests climbing as it is indoors for winter and requires a partner. Overall, I like her a lot and I feel comfortable talking to her, which I think is important. But we are still at the very beginning.
I don't think my detachment is going well. I have dreams about W every night, which has never happened before. Sometimes they are nightmares where she is monstrous and terrible things happen; others, everything is fixed and has a happy ending. It's disturbing and indicating I need to work a lot harder. We all know it is very hard to detach with IHS and I just need to keep saying to myself GAL, GAL, GAL. I have all day at home without W and as she stated in one of the R talks, she does not want to have to always come home and have me there. There is no reason I need to be and my detachment will be so much better for it.
In actual DBing news, I think I am still doing well with non-pursuit and GAL and it has produced some positive results. She was very surprised to hear I had started therapy (she was off work yesterday and asked where I went). I have been spending time reconnecting with friends even if it's long distance phone calls, and also meeting new local friends on a social app. I'm hoping I can actually make some real plans this week with one of them. But between that and schoolwork, I don't really have much extra time to worry about W. W was hanging around yesterday literally not knowing what to do with herself. She wanted to talk to me and kept interrupting me while I worked against a deadline. Ultimately, she talked herself into going to the casino (again, because she has somehow managed not to lose her money the past couple times). But, she then made a few hints and asked my what time my assignment was due because she wanted me to go with her. Two weeks ago she was telling me she would rather go alone. I told her I couldn't sorry, best of luck. She lost. When she got back, she actually did SOMETHING and cleaned her stuff she has left in the living room and also moved an old dresser into the guest room so that she can officially move in there. She told me the bathroom downstairs is her bathroom now, but she was kind of laughing and I don't think this implied I wasn't allowed to use it. It's almost like she just wants to make some statement, to rub it in my face and make sure I get the picture. But most of the time she is nice. And has not brought up any kind of R or D talk. So I am just putting my head down and trying to run this marathon.
Thanks, you guys. She texted again before any response from me...that she is thinking of going to the courthouse today or tomorrow to get papers and what are my thoughts. Now I'm really freaking.
I will definitely not beg or try to talk her out of it. She wants to have an open discussion, but I cannot trust that. It doesn't work, she has already gone way past the line of communicating about this maturely and forming a realistic plan. Instead she BDs, expects some overnight change that uproots my life to happen when she has made legal commitments. Do i tell her this? So far, I have said "I am not comfortable with the situation. You have made many large unilateral decisions without my input at all. I feel the need to protect myself first and foremost". She replied she feels very uncomfortable as well and that's why she wants to talk about a plan that makes us both comfortable...
She has once again pushed me for to go finish school while living with family. She said she will continue financial support, why can't I go do that. Well, the answer is that then I am the one to pay the price for her going back on every promise she ever made. I can say I will think about it but it has been weeks and we will right back here again.
