I can't believe it's been a year since my last post (linked here: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2814298&page=7, I can't get back into that account hence why I am now 44tries2)--I can't believe it's been a year since that part of my story. But here I am back again, and I must say I am so sorry that I ever left It has been a whirlwind and I really missed the grounding of this community and suffered greatly for it. I think it should be noted that despite coming here during the darkest times of my life, returning to it feels like a comfort that brings me all kinds of positive feelings. So thank you to all of the wonderful people here.
So, now for my update. (Deep breath). From my last post through the end of last year, I kept putting to practice everything I'd learned and W and I slowlyyy gained steadier and steadier ground. We took a trip for New Years that I will never forget and was I think the best trip we've taken to date. It wasn't absolutely perfect, we weren't head over heals back in love, but we had a great time together and there weren't any arguments or conflicts. After that, things got crazy as I moved into phase two of my degree program and we prepared for our international move back home. We moved at the end of February and bought a house in April. This was very exciting and we were both feeling good about the future, or at least I thought so. But I was completely overwhelmed throughout this time. I was drowning in schoolwork while we tried to move our lives from one continent to another. W thought I should have taken time off and claimed to have told me this. From the day we returned from the New Years trip until May, I didn't have a single day where my plate wasn't packed full and all I could do was focus on keeping moving. Then in late May, when we had finally settled into the house and established a new routine, I decided to go home to my parents' house for a month as they hired me to assist in their major renovation. The pay covered my fall tuition and I discussed it with W, she wasn't thrilled but said it made sense and I should go. I really don't know what she truly wanted. We talked every day and nothing negative really happened during that time. But she found out during that time that she would need to leave for two months beginning in August for a training course a few states away. Suddenly, our summer together was looking real short and we already had three weeks worth of family coming to visit scheduled (both hers and mine, at separate times). It was fun, but exhausting, and then, in the middle of all that, my grandfather was diagnosed with terminal brain cancer. I ended up taking two weekend trips to see him and my family and say goodbye. All of this took a toll, mainly in pushing the MR itself down the priority list, and I believe this is where the focus started slipping and some of those old MR 1.0 habits returned. No real symptoms yet, though.
Flash forward to today, her time at the training course is reaching an end. We had a huge road trip planned after her graduation, where we would camp for 10 nights and see some bucket list places on our way home. We spent a very large amount of time and money planning this trip, which also encompasses her birthday and our anniversary. I packed everything ahead of time into the car and sent her on her way in August. The first few weeks were hard and we really missed each other. So much so, that she requested I visit for Labor Day Weekend, no matter that it was a $500 plane ticket! This was probably the peak of where our relationship made it. I felt positive, I felt like she was genuinely invested and trying, and had pretty good feelings about me. The main thing that has still been missing all this time is the passion. Her feelings really only are trickling back very slowly. We have had sex once through all of this, in July. She initiated it and I was very pleasantly surprised. It was okay, not really truly passionate, because she even said she "was trying to show me affection". I actually took this as a huge act of love and investment in the relationship because she was trying despite the "feeling" not being totally there. I think this is something Sandi views as critical. I was hopeful everything was trending in the right direction. By the time I visited for Labor Day, she kept saying how she wished she had known she could go home instead and would have preferred that. I felt a bit insulted as I had put in the effort to make the travel and now her attitude wasn't great. We had fun for the most part, but we did get in one argument. She had begun to make friends there and was hanging out with them more. She introduced me and we did a few things together. But one night I was sick and she said she would get me some water from the vending machine downstairs. She was gone for 45 minutes. I knew she had stopped to chat with her friends who were hanging out outside. I got very angry; it was triggering for me. She was deceptive in saying she was going to do something nice for me, but had an ulterior motive and was not up front about it. I laid into her when she returned despite telling myself over and over to remain calm. She understood and apologized and even cuddled me (she has cuddled me almost every night in the past year despite lack of sex). But this is where the seed was planted for an ugly weed that has now completely taken over.
Despite her being very up front about her new friends and what they do together, I just started feeling uneasy. She would always tell me where she was and when she got home. We video chatted every single day. But she started staying out for hours, through dinner until 10 or 11pm, even 2am on the weekends, drinking beer with this group. Everyone away from their families with nothing else to do, I guess that became their priority. Well, I was bothered. Right or not, I couldn't help the awful feelings it gave me. One night she didn't text or call at all and I fell asleep. When I woke up at 4am and saw I had heard nothing, I had a full on breakdown/panic attack. When she called the next morning, totally normal and cheery, it was surreal. I told her I had worried and she said she was sorry, she didn't want to wake me up, I could have called. I can remember a few mornings I was physically shaking as we texted good morning because I just had these bad feelings. One night she video called me a little before 10pm, saying she was in bed and going to sleep early. Obviously I saw her in bed on the call and had no reason to doubt what she said, but I couldn't push out the thought that as soon as she hung up, she jumped up to go hang out outside with her friends! I felt like a crazy person and I took it out on her. I criticized and made negative comments about the drinking and just made it known I was upset and didn't like it. I am banging my head against a wall thinking back to this. My emotions got out of control. But she only got more and more annoyed and didn't seem to care that I was hurting. Finally, I asked her how she couldn't care that I have hurt and do not feel safe or like I can fully trust her. Her response was that she cares, but it's hard to fully care when you are unhappy. And then came bomb drop #3.
3rd time in three years now, we are back to this. She is unhappy and miserable in her life. She thinks staying in our family will make her want to kill herself (!!! is all I can really say about that). She is not attracted to me and feels like I am just a friend. She is very sad because we have been together a long time and built a life, but she can't go on. I have heard it all before! I am at my wit's end. I am devastated all over again. She cancelled our trip, told me not to come at all to her graduation, and she will drive home alone over two days with minimal stops. She said she wants a divorce, but also said she has "no idea how to even do that". She wants me to move out, but says she will still financially support me. I have no idea what to think. I feel this is all my fault. I abandoned my DB principles and let things backslide, compounded by becoming crazy and worried by her behavior while away. My GAL has fallen on its face since we moved here. I have poured my soul into our house, building furniture, fixing problems, trying to make everything perfect. But I am like a hermit, especially since she has been gone. Sometimes I don't leave the house for days at a time. I haven't made a single friend here that isn't a coworker of my W. I keep saying I will join hockey and haven't. Same with the gym.
The upside is I have not forgotten everything I learned. I told her I respect her choices and understand. There was no begging or resistance from me. I have not contacted her, but she has texted this morning. I know she will do the same old thing where she is the friendly WAW. Still wants to talk about her day and the weather and keep me on for all that stuff. Then again, I have thought I knew a lot of things the past few days and she's proved me wrong. She doesn't hate me, doesn't have any reasons for her sudden change of heart. Claims she was "giving it the summer to see how she feels" and now summer is over. She claims I was gone a lot (true, see above) and that she preferred it and "it was more work but she was okay with it". The one thing she has said over and over is how I am not fun and she is not interested in the things I talk about. Imagine that; she is divorcing me because my conversations are uninteresting! I know what you're probably all thinking, and I'm thinking it too. I don't want to believe it, and I have ZERO tangible evidence, but I am too smart to say another A is anything other than highly likely. I do know she has not had any inappropriate contact over the past year, until she left (since then I obviously just don't know since I'm not there). Old OM seemed out of the picture pretty quickly last summer. There has been no sneakiness, no hesitation about my having access to anything. I am crushed, guys. I am going to GAL immediately. But I do not know how to approach the logistics. I feel so much deja vu and a tsunami of dread hits me thinking about the in house separation from last year. W has made it clear she is afraid of being "sucked back in" if I stay in the house. She said it will be 3 months, 5 months, and then we do it all over again. Last time I was in a foreign country, now I have much more freedom. But I don't want to do something rash or stupid. She will probably be home next Wednesday. Please help, I'm humbly ready for all your 2x4s.
Dude, I’m in the same boat. Just experienced BD #4. That’s 4 bombs in about 6-7 years. All you can do is reinvest in the DB principles and detach from her.
I know how bad it hurts. I thought my W and I were making great progress as well.
Thanks for your support. It helps to know that I am not the only one with a serial bomber. It's so painful; feeling like you have a bit of stability and momentum, only to have it all dashed AGAIN. I will say my detachment is like a muscle memory. Much easier getting back to it than before. I know I can face the road ahead no matter what happens, but there is just no way take away that immense pain.
44 sorry that you are back again. I suspect your instincts were right and an OM2 appeared in the friends circle. I’ve been around here enough to know once the grass is greener syndrome kicks and they think the lbs is the problem they will not truly return until if and when they hit rock bottom. I wouldn’t blame yourself, joining a basketball team wouldn’t likely have changed anything. It’s good that you stuck to DB and didn’t beg or plead with her. Let her do all the heavy lifting and make it clear ONE time that this isn’t what you want but you won’t stand in her way and that you have zero intentions of being friends in the future.
That really stinks man. In my brutality honest opinion. I feel you should just let her go. DB like mad and focus on yourself. This is the third time this has happened. You are experiencing a ton of severe emotional damage and distress because of this repetitive situation. Maybe its time to just move forward and let her be?
I know that anxious feeling well. My exww was doing the exact same partying, staying out late and literally telling me she didnt care that it hurt me. She was banging her boss. I let her go. We divorced and I dont have to deal with that level of emotional abuse and distress or anxiety ever again. It hurt but the end result is that I am secure in myself and I can regulate my life exactly how I want.
I am still sad about my family ending. However, I am in a much better place emotionally now that I only have myself and my relationship with my kids to manage.
M:16 T:21 H(me) 38 WW: 38 S11 D16 D19 Red Flags of A: March 2018 ILYBNILWY: August 4, 2018 Moved out of MBR: September 24, 2018 BD/Confirmation of A: October 31, 2018 D Filed: March 27, 2019
Thanks, LH19. I agree it is hard to believe my feelings came out of nowhere. But at the same time, I have struggled with healing from the A. It can still blindside me by popping into my head unannounced and cause that searing pain again. I have wondered what to expect of myself in this regard and hope I am not just a traumatized, paranoid person. I am going to find an IC locally.
The important part I think is the need to make clear is my zero intentions of being friends. She never seems to get that. About an hour ago, she video called me to tell me she was eating a chicken sandwich and taking a nap.
Wow, it sounds like you've been living with an unsatisfying relationship for a really long time.
Originally Posted by SoTorn
In my brutality honest opinion. I feel you should just let her go. DB like mad and focus on yourself. This is the third time this has happened. You are experiencing a ton of severe emotional damage and distress because of this repetitive situation. Maybe its time to just move forward and let her be?
That's what I was thinking, too. Whether it's her (having another affair, drinking) or you (paranoia, no social life) or some combo (lack of love, spending time together)--you two didn't work out--three times! The next steps are similar (GAL, detach, self-improvement) either way so you don't need to decide now.
Thank you guys for your thoughts. You are right, it has been an unsatisfying relationship for a long time. And it is very exhausting. I am tempted to just give up. But I love my W deeply and I know she loves me deeply as well, it's just not complete for some reason. I am actually very happy with my life overall, outside of this issue. Don't get me wrong, it is a very painful problem, but my W tries hard to show me love in a lot of the ways that she can. I guess I would say our "familial" love is very strong.
I too feel like giving up. I've been working on convincing myself to just let her go this time. The see-saw is exhausting.
That doesn't mean I don't love W. She just has issues that keep surfacing. I also have my own issues as well. The difference between her and I is that I'm willing to look at myself and work on things. She can't/won't acknowledge her stuff and projects it on to me.
I vacillate between missing her like crazy, and feeling excited for a new beginning.
Thornton, this is exactly my experience. I feel for you so much and am sorry you are in it too.
W called me again on her lunch. She texted me last night and this morning, about nothing. I didn't respond. After the call, she texted me asking why I hadn't responded to her messages. I told her this: "W, it's difficult when you tell me want a divorce but want to keep chatting like normal. I'm sorry, I need space. Hope you understand."
Her response, which came in a flurry over 5 minutes time was: "Okay." "I understand but figured we could maintain communication because we are still intertwined in our lives." "But if you don't think the same then I respect that." "I will try not to call and text you." I didn't respond.
I hope I did the right thing. I found a therapist that looks very promising and called the office. Waiting to hear back and hopefully schedule an appt to begin IC next week.
It has been a whirlwind and I really missed the grounding of this community and suffered greatly for it. I think it should be noted that despite coming here during the darkest times of my life, returning to it feels like a comfort that brings me all kinds of positive feelings. So thank you to all of the wonderful people here.