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phnix #2865601 09/17/19 05:22 PM
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Waywards are like crack addicts and not good at covering tracks when trying to get there next fix. Do not be her therapist or emotional tampon!

phnix #2865603 09/17/19 05:29 PM
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WOW! I just read Sandi's 2 threads and will read all of them. How did I miss reading these initially? I have made so many mistakes over the course of the past two months that it now seems like I can't possibly save this marriage. Is it too late to show Tough Love and get this back on track and earn respect back from her?

Should I show tough love now that her exposure to some point was at my hands? Round and Round we go!!

phnix #2865606 09/17/19 05:54 PM
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BB,

You can always apply tough love. It's never too late. We all have made mistakes, start with today. Start following Sandi rules now!!!

Stop holding the blame for her affair on your hands. The reason for her exposure is because of her A. If she wasn't having an A, exposure would never been a problem. Let it go. You told another the Spouse the truth and live on those words. You told another Spouse the Truth. You told another Spouse the truth.

Move forward.


M:37 W:37
T:11 M:10
S17, S13, S10, S4
BD:06/28/17
OM confirmed 07/20/17
Recon the M 10/29/17
Working hard:2gether

Onward and forward

This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
phnix #2865607 09/17/19 05:55 PM
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Originally Posted by bballer1
Someone earlier suggested Divorce Remedy.


DR was written after DB and is really just an updated version of DB. So get that one.

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Detaching would be letting go of the relationship meaning not relying on her for emotional support and finding happiness within myself and living my life. Spending more time with my son and re-focusing on my job and other commitments.


Yes. It's not a flip you switch, it takes time to get there.

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GAL - Spending time away from home or doing things to grow. Ex: Going to coaching seminars and playing golf.


Right, or having dinner with an old friend, going to a painting class, taking your kid to the park to fly a kite, working on a car, sculpting, building a model, volunteering with Habitat, jogging, cycling, etc. etc. Anything that takes your mind off of things.

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Going to be hard as she has texted me all morning wanting emotional support etc... She called and I quickly tried to get off the phone which she did not like.


It's only hard because you want to be nice. But being nice isn't going to earn you a thing with her.

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I also made her sleep in the other bed last night as it helps me with letting go of the relationship. I don't trust her and really don't feel like being let down again.


Good!

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I checked her phone and noticed she had used her App store very recently so I assumed she may have downloaded an App to talk with him, which is what I caught her doing last week but she didn't admit to it. She downloaded a texting app and then deleted it from her phone. She actually gave me her phone trying to be transparent but didn't think I would notice.


Yes this is exactly what we told you would happen. You caught her, you confronted her, so now she has gone deeper undercover with her activities. She thinks she is being so darned clever. I would not confront her again, but continue your detachment. If she says something like "why are you treating me like this, I told you I don't talk to OM anymore" then just say "we both know that's not true" and walk away. Don't explain, don't elaborate. Just let that hang in the air.


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
phnix #2865684 09/18/19 01:31 PM
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My situation may be somewhat different due to my own infidelity 15 years ago. From past conversations she still holds resentment for that incident and justifies my pain by saying she also endured it for a year. Somehow she rationalizes what she is going through as me putting her through it back then.

Should I consider handling this any differently due to my past mistakes and what I put her through during that time period. What I am trying to say is that should I be careful in how I detach or show tough love?

Our sleeping arrangements remain the same and she continues to want to sleep in our bed. I am thinking of changing checking accounts and splitting it as Sandi suggest. I have tried to be hesitant in being judgmental due to my situation many years ago.

She is begging that she wants to work on the marriage and willing to save it now that I have started to pull away, however I am not naive to know that she isn't just going to stop. I do believe the physical has stopped but the emotional attachment is still there due to seeing him everyday. She admits they talk in passing etc...

I also know that I can't fully heal with her working her job and seeing him everyday. Given she will likely change jobs next year and dealing with this for a year will be unbearable. I know I have to detach and move forward in case of more betrayal and possible divorce in the future.

I mentioned my father said someone called to tell them what was going on, meaning most people in town was talking about it. Her response was it is just rumors and that's the way I am looking at it. JUST RUMORS, REALLY?

phnix #2865694 09/18/19 03:29 PM
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The past is the past. There is zero justification in stepping out on your marriage. If she was unhappy and didnt think she could move past your poor choices in the past, she should have just left and filed for D. You cannot change the past. You can however forge the future.

Stop talking to everyone about it. The A is out in the open now. Just keep quiet about it. Nothing changes, you still need to focus on yourself. Thats it. Stop focusing on W, stop worrying about what everyone else is doing or thinking. Walk your path, dust your shoulder off and move forward.

If your WW wants to work it out she needs to show you. Words mean nothing. Actions mean everything. Again my Ex WW cheated with her boss. In the small window where I would have maybe reconciled, my EXWW would have had to quit her job. She would have had to choose me and our family over OM and her job. There wasn't a chance in h3ll that she was going to do that. So I quickly dropped any hope that R would happen at all.

She can't focus on you and your MR if she is seeing OM or talking to him at all. She would have to completely remove herself from any sort of interaction. Thats not for you to tell her though. You can't give her an instruction manual on how to repair your MR.


M:16
T:21
H(me) 38
WW: 38
S11 D16 D19
Red Flags of A: March 2018
ILYBNILWY: August 4, 2018
Moved out of MBR: September 24, 2018
BD/Confirmation of A: October 31, 2018
D Filed: March 27, 2019
phnix #2865718 09/18/19 06:11 PM
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BB, when a woman decides she's done with the marriage and goes wayward, she will drag up every reason great and small from throughout history to justify her actions. I'm not giving you a free pass on what happened, but being 15 years ago I doubt it was a major factor in her current decision to go wayward. My XW came up with some pretty desperate stuff because there was nothing like that in our history. So it was things like I was "too hard on the kids". But then later she said "can you tell the kids to do XYZ, they always listen to you but never do what I say". I think even she saw the irony in it. Things that she used to hold up as your strengths are now things to complain about. Things that were your weaknesses are things to complain about. Things that you never did or said are now things to complain about. Welcome to WW world!


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
phnix #2865870 09/20/19 01:59 AM
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Ok I’ve put her out the master bedroom and I have been coming home late trying to stay busy at work. I have also quit texting her every time she text me during the day.

Now as I pull away she seems to be pulling away as well. She was concerned and worried for maybe one day but the past two days she seems to be pulling further away from me. She didn’t say maybe two words tonight and she went to her room and has been working on school work

School work is just a front however because she has 3 hours of planning and stays after 3:00 until about 6:00 each day waiting on our son to get done with football practice. She obviously isn’t getting much done at work.

Do spouses typically tend to pul further away once you begin to detach.

phnix #2865873 09/20/19 02:57 AM
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Mine has baller. But you know what? The more I detach the less I care about what she's doing or with who. And if this is the person she's going to be then I don't want to be with her anyways.

So it's a bit of a waiting game...if she really is this person then I figure I don't want her in my life anyhow. If she isn't this person and is going through something (whatever that is) then maybe she'll be back and I'll have a choice to make. But either way I feel stronger with who I am and what I stand for.


H 37
W 31
S 2

T: 7
M: 4

BD 12/18
Separated 2/19
Living back together 04/06/2019
W Moved out again 07/15/2019
phnix #2865878 09/20/19 06:03 AM
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B,

Yeah it’s not surprising she’s “pulling away”. I use it in quotes because she was never there in the first place. She was just using you for moral support. If you guys work this out it will take years. Until she comes to you and says “baller I’ll do whatever it takes to work this out”. Keep detaching and GAL. Remember, you don’t even know if the A is over. Until she goes completely through the withdrawals you cannot truly reconcile.

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