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kas99 #2866492 09/26/19 01:32 PM
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Our kids are collateral damage. I can push for 50/50 but I don't want to make D14 live with me. WAH can push for 50/50 but he won't make D17 or S19 live with him either. Right now both D17 and S19 are pissed at him. Even if he forced them via a court order all they'd do is get more resentful, more angry same with D14. It's too high of a price to enforce 50/50.

The ugly part of my divorce is that I potentially lose one kid and he loses two. By lose I mean our custody with be 90/10 towards the non custodian parent. D17 has disowned him and S19 sees him once a week. On the low end I will see D14 a few hours a week as well. This is my reality, and his.

I've read hundreds of these stories and this is how it plays out. Sad but this is what WAH wants and we both have to live with the consequences.

kas99 #2866493 09/26/19 02:23 PM
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Sorry Kas but I’m a straight shooter. You’re using your children as pawns to get your husband back and not only will that not work but you will damage your children. My friends parents did that and he still is in therapy 35 years later.

As the adult, explain to your 14 year old that it is important for her to see both parents equally. Talk to your 17 old on how this isn’t all dads fault and she should have a relationship with him.

Please put your children first.

kas99 #2866514 09/26/19 06:10 PM
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I’ve been very open about being mentally ill. He told the kids he left because I’m “crazy”. True then he leaves them with me for 6 months. Not his wisest decision. I’m working hard to get better but it isn’t going to happen overnight. If I were this kind, wonderful person he wouldn’t have left and unless I can get an outpatient lobotomy I’m stuck with working through this on my own.

This makes me cry. I don’t think D14 needs me in her life. S19 also believed his father was a good man until 2 days ago and I had nothing to do with that. Am I crazy or is WAH a jerk? D17 is full of rage. I’m sure I’m to blame somehow for that too. Depending on how much money I have I’ll get her into therapy. WAH won’t answer me so I’m on my own.

Doing the best I can even if my best is horrible.

kas99 #2866519 09/26/19 06:51 PM
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By leaving them with me I mean he left without having an actual place for the kids to visit for 7 months (by the time he gets a place).

I've gotten to the place where I think beating myself over my shortcomings isn't helpful. My IC last night called me out on calling myself "crazy". I can sit here in the victim chair feeling sorry for myself or I can change. I am choosing to change but its not easy. The victim chair is very comfy.

I celebrate the small victories and I'm building on those. Silly things---things most people take for granted. Hey I cooked instead sitting on the couch depressed. I played a video game. I laugh, I sing out loud, I hug and I say I love you every single day. My kids are happy with me.

With WAH I've graduated to (mostly) being positive and I am proud of this. I find when I say negative things I feel bad. This is good progress I think means I'm learning I'm aware of the difference. Before I was nonstop negative so I didn't have the contrast.

kas99 #2866521 09/26/19 07:10 PM
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Ok WAH will answer me (sometimes). When my car was broken down? Ignored. I asked him to enroll S19 in college. He did it. Asked him to do the residency requirement. Did that too. When I couldn't get an apartment on my own? Ignored.

Common thread - me. If it has to do with me he ignores me. But what he doesn't understand is my kids are watching. Always watching. When my car was broken down all 3 of them were right there. When I was crying over not being able to get an apartment. They saw that too. I try to hide when I'm crying but sometimes its unavoidable.

kas99 #2866528 09/26/19 08:57 PM
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Hi Kas99,

I get it’s a complex situation and you’re trying your best. Unless one parent is unable or unwilling, courts and society now generally try to keep siblings together and kids living 50/50 with both parents, to maintain and nurture all of these important relationships.

You know vastly more about the specifics or your situation, and clearly your ex isn’t as invested in parenting as you.

Originally Posted by “Kas99”
”I'm not going to participate in her playing WAH and I against each other. So yes I will give up time in the short run but he will lose patience....again and she’ll end up with me. I’m not settling for anything I’m simply outsmarting him.


It sounds like a high-stakes game—trying to “outsmart” your co-parent. Is the most important score how many kids you win, or how many close family relationships each child emerges with?

My kids don’t try to pit me and my ex against each other over custody—there’s no point. We have a custody order. Where they stay isn’t decided by day-to-day feelings about this perk or that restriction.

kas99 #2866529 09/26/19 09:18 PM
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I emailed my mother last weekend after being estranged for 20 years. She was on her best behavior but something was off. I had IC and she asked me "what were the red flags?" I never looked at it that way but yes there were two. In a handful of emails I knew she hadn't changed.

Now that I'm closer to my kids I see how they too can read me like a book. If my insides don't match my outsides they ask. WAH used to do this but I didn't understand it. I do now. My kids want reassurance that I'm safe. When they do this (and it happens more often than I wish it did) I have 3 choices. I can be honest (they don't need to know how dark my thoughts are), I can lie (that never works) or I can change.

Traveler #2866532 09/26/19 09:57 PM
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Quote
I get it’s a complex situation and you’re trying your best. Unless one parent is unable or unwilling, courts and society now generally try to keep siblings together and kids living 50/50 with both parents, to maintain and nurture all of these important relationships.

You know vastly more about the specifics or your situation, and clearly your ex isn’t as invested in parenting as you.


Thank you for challenging my thinking. For the past 6 months since WAH left the kids have stayed together. As of next Saturday that is changing. WAH is planning on them swapping back and forth I'm the one that just doesn't see that happening. D14 will go back and forth yes but D17 and S19 are too old. D17 has a best friend whose parents are divorced. Her parents live within walking distance of each other. They did one week on, one week off for years until she became a teenager. She now lives with her mom full time. I get this. I don't get two almost legal adults going back and forth between houses. I believe whether he (or I) likes it or not those relationships will change. Maybe I'm being too negative I don't know.

Quote
It sounds like a high-stakes game—trying to “outsmart” your co-parent. Is the most important score how many kids you win, or how many close family relationships each child emerges with?


WAH isn't as invested as in parenting as I am. He wasn't before and he isn't now. His job always came first. When he makes plans with them he's late. Maybe he will get his act together I don't know. I will try to keep an open mind. What I will say is he has got to stop digging holes. He gains some ground after moving out but then he blows it with one text. I am of course the one left to pick up the pieces.

Quote
My kids don’t try to pit me and my ex against each other over custody—there’s no point. We have a custody order. Where they stay isn’t decided by day-to-day feelings about this perk or that restriction


Again how is a court order going to make two almost adults swap houses or spend time with either of us?

kas99 #2866534 09/26/19 10:48 PM
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Assuming one kid with WAH and two with me. I know ....I know but I don't have 4 bedrooms.

Lets imagine that S19 chooses to live with WAH. He's old enough to go away to college so to me its unreasonable to expect him to swap houses. If this scenario happened he'd probably eat dinner with me a few nights a week but then he'd go home. WAH will live 5 minutes away and S19 would prefer to sleep in his own bed in his own room. If WAH worked all weekend he'd come hang out with us to keep from being lonely.

Lets imagine that D17 chose to live with him. During the week she's busy. Homework, after school activities, friends, down time, shower, makes her lunch, etc. If this scenario happened I'd see her on the weekends. She might also drop by some during the week. She has her own car like S19 and again WAH will live 5 minutes away.

If it's D14 which is the current scenario this one is tricky because she can't drive. I don't think I will see her much. She says she will visit but I'm not going to get my hopes up. I think I'm going to lose her.

I don't know where you live but this is common here. This one kids father moved away and she sees him one week a year at summer maybe a couple of holidays. I only know ONE family that has managed to keep kids together after a divorce. Usually the way it works here is mom gets the kids while the dad drifts away and makes a new family. There was one father that got the kids and she drifted away, got a new family so I don't think it's gender specific. That idiot friend of WAH's mom got the kid and yep he started a new family.

Divorce stinks.

Last edited by kas99; 09/26/19 10:54 PM.
kas99 #2866574 09/27/19 02:11 PM
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I've gotten D17 serious about packing. S19 doesn't want me to move his things. Says he will do it. He's asked WAH to move his bed because he has to work all next weekend. WAH agreed. I'm overwhelmed because I have 2 days to get us fully moved out. D17 reminds me that we aren't taking many things. She's one of those ray of sunshine people so she's focusing on the positives. I want to be like her so I tell her she's right and I let it go.

D17 and S19 have come a long way in 6 months. WAH used to complain about not having help from them but the dynamic is different now. He tried to try to assign chores but now we work as a team. I don't ask for help often so this is all them. D14 doesn't help as much but she tries.


Last edited by kas99; 09/27/19 02:19 PM.
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