So sorry you are panicking. Have you consulted with a lawyer to see what your rights are? It shouldn’t really matter if he has a shark for a lawyer because state law trumps everything and there are usually child support calculators that determine all this stuff.
Thorn
Had a good cry and trying to calm down. Child support is 20% however my kids will age out in a a few years. I will get lifetime alimony I just don’t know how much. Some websites talk about calculating alimony based on expenses like hey you don’t need that much [censored] to be you. Eat your ramen noodles and be happy. Other websites take into consideration previous lifestyle meaning he can’t eat steak while I eat ramen noodles. The concern also is kids preferring the more well off parent.
My attorney doesn’t look at expenses she looks at income. She does this calculation where in the end we each have equal amounts of income. I’m not going to get 50% of his income. Not in this lifetime. Btw 50% includes child support. Once that ends I get 30%. My attorney knows 30% won’t work so she will have to negotiate increased alimony to replace child support.
Can you see why I’m worried? My life will be determined by which judge I get. Luck of the draw in chancery court. Is it a man who got screwed over? Is it someone who sees value in a homemaker? Who knows?
Hi Kas, it sounds really scary not knowing what the future will bring. As Thornton says—your attorney should be able to inform you about of your court’s guidelines for alimony and child support. That’s normally more or less what you get regardless of whether his attorney is sweet, mean, generous, or a shark unless you both agree otherwise.
I think it’s up to the judge on alimony. Also WAHs income varies and is from several sources. He could cut back on his hours. Move assets around. Retire. Argue some of it isn’t marital income (inheritance he commingled). In 3 years he gets a pension buyout. He holds all the cards.
Kas… how sad that your mom doesn't recognize you. Or does she recognize you but is just acting as if she doesn't because she doesn't know what to say? Either way... I am sad for you. Parents do the worst things to their kids at times, don't they? Makes me angry sometimes. I've been working as a mental health social worker for 21 years and you would think that nothing would surprise me anymore but sadly, that's not the case. I hope things work out for you.
I’ve changed and she doesn’t recognize me. She’s been trying to get me back for 20 years so she would have said something. She’s 73 now and I don’t know maybe it’s time to give her another chance. It can’t be a coincidence that I’m moving near her. I have ZERO expectations though. None.
If I mend this relationship I get an instant extended family. My sister, her 2 kids, their spouses, and their kids. This would be no different than a reconciliation here. Slow, slow, slow. Thinking about opening a PO Box and writing her a short note. I’m beyond detached from all of them so I’m good regardless of what happens.
Everything is kinda falling apart right now. My house is a wreck. I’m behind at work. I’m exhausted. My kids are sad and angry. D17 cries a lot. I cry a lot. S19 told me the reason he stayed is because of my mental health said he knew I’d fall apart after losing everything I worked for. He doesn’t see WAH much so I think there is some projection here.
WAH is living in la la land. Talks about how his kids are helping him through this. He rarely sees them but believes that will change after he gets his own place. Thinks he’s eventually going to have 2 kids living with him despite S19 continuing to tell him it’s only 1. He talks about them sleeping over like they are 5 years old and we will have a 50% split. S19 laughed at this. WAH will have been gone 7 months by the time he gets his own place. His father was like this. Saw himself as a good father as long as he provided.
I think it’s up to the judge on alimony. Also WAHs income varies and is from several sources. He could cut back on his hours. Move assets around. Retire. Argue some of it isn’t marital income (inheritance he commingled). In 3 years he gets a pension buyout. He holds all the cards.
I would suggest you assume you can't depend on income from him indefinitely and plan accordingly, because more than likely he will do exactly as you're saying and will retire or take a lesser job or something to minimize his part of the settlement. Are you working? If not, is there a reason for that? Maybe you can't until after the D is final since he could use it against you, but if that's the case then push through with D and then try to find employment. You mentioned that you had a career before, can you not resume that? I know it's been a while but I know women who have done exactly that after years of being a SAHM.
You keep repeating this mantra that your H holds all the cards and you have no control and it simply isn't true. You've got the power to control your life. You've got to get past this "victim mentality" as it is really crushing you. I know this is tough but many others have been in the exact same situation and not only survived it, but thrived afterwards. You can too.
I would suggest you assume you can't depend on income from him indefinitely and plan accordingly, because more than likely he will do exactly as you're saying and will retire or take a lesser job or something to minimize his part of the settlement. Are you working? If not, is there a reason for that?
I'm 53 years old and I was a homemaker for 15 years. I have a good job. I'm an office manager for a good sized office. Problems is wages haven't kept up with inflation so it takes half of what I make just to pay the rent. I have a budget and am preparing for the worst. I'm entitled to half his pension and at 30% of his rock bottom income before then. This is the number I start with. I will get lifetime alimony and this rock bottom number is all he wants to pay me. I get it. I'd have to make even more radical changes to my lifestyle but I could make it.
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You keep repeating this mantra that your H holds all the cards and you have no control and it simply isn't true. You've got the power to control your life. You've got to get past this "victim mentality" as it is really crushing you. I know this is tough but many others have been in the exact same situation and not only survived it, but thrived afterwards. You can too.
This is why I continue to post here. I need to revisit my contingency plan to ease my mind. This is terrible but part of why I'm considering reconciling with my family is for support. They've wanted me back for decades and it would be years before I needed them for a place to live. They've treated me terribly so I will not feel one ounce of guilt for using them for support.
I've been thinking a lot about my family since I got that house. 4 doors down how is that even possible? This cannot be a coincidence it just can't be.
I have no expectations no but I can imagine a life with my mom in it. I'm not the same person and she's not either I'm sure. Today I'm sending a her a short note asking if she'd like to talk and I gave her my email address. No return address or anything. I don't want her to know where I live yet. I don't even know if she still lives there but I've seen her around so I'm pretty sure she does. I'm sitting here with that envelope ready to mail and I feel zero anxiety.
I'm kidding about using them but it would be nice to have an extended family now. I can't use anyone its not who I am. Either we reconcile or we don't. I will not sell my soul for anything.
I have a good job. I'm an office manager for a good sized office. Problems is wages haven't kept up with inflation so it takes half of what I make just to pay the rent.
Oh well that is good, at least you have something going even if it's not optimal pay! Your H is going to have to supplement your income whether he thinks he will or not so between that and your job then hopefully you'll be set.
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I'm entitled to half his pension and at 30% of his rock bottom income before then. This is the number I start with. I will get lifetime alimony and this rock bottom number is all he wants to pay me. I get it. I'd have to make even more radical changes to my lifestyle but I could make it.
What he WANTS to pay you isn't really a factor. He may think it is, but the courts will think otherwise. I know you don't want D but you may need to push it through soon to protect yourself. If you start the process and he pulls any shenanigans like retiring or taking a lesser paying job then the court will not look favorably on that, they will assume he's trying to dodge full payment to you. But if you let it drag on and he pulls this stuff and THEN you file then you may be stuck with his new adjusted income as the basis for the calculations.
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This is terrible but part of why I'm considering reconciling with my family is for support. They've wanted me back for decades and it would be years before I needed them for a place to live. They've treated me terribly so I will not feel one ounce of guilt for using them for support.
That can be very emotionally draining (I've been through it with my dad) on top of what you are already going through. But if you think you can handle it then go for it. Maybe like you say it's not just a coincidence and there are powers at work here.
Oh well that is good, at least you have something going even if it's not optimal pay! Your H is going to have to supplement your income whether he thinks he will or not so between that and your job then hopefully you'll be set.
I'd be making more than WAH had I not given up my career. Too old to get it back now. He knows he has to supplement my income and I am preparing for worst case scenario.
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What he WANTS to pay you isn't really a factor. He may think it is, but the courts will think otherwise. I know you don't want D but you may need to push it through soon to protect yourself. If you start the process and he pulls any shenanigans like retiring or taking a lesser paying job then the court will not look favorably on that, they will assume he's trying to dodge full payment to you. But if you let it drag on and he pulls this stuff and THEN you file then you may be stuck with his new adjusted income as the basis for the calculations.
In May I was trying to nice him back by accepting a lower amount and this is where his head is at. I'm still kind of confused as to why he hasn't filed. He's been planning this for years and was going to file asap (kids confirm this). I'm sure he will file soon it's just weird that's all.
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That can be very emotionally draining (I've been through it with my dad) on top of what you are already going through. But if you think you can handle it then go for it. Maybe like you say it's not just a coincidence and there are powers at work here.
Seeing them in person would be emotionally draining which is why I won't do that. I can email. I can also stop emailing. I cut them off for 20 years and can do it again just as easily. I've connected over the years with extended family like my mothers sister (email) but I wasn't healthy enough to handle it so I ended it. No remorse. No regret. The key to this is to make sure they can't find me until I'm sure it's safe.
I've checked the temperature 2 other times and both times I knew immediately it wasn't safe. I wonder if this is how WAH feels about me now. He's checked my temperature and I wasn't safe. 1000% better than I was but still sarcastic, negative and not detached. As long as I'm needy I'm not safe. I get it.
