I just realized after hitting post reply that I felt good focusing on the positives. I'm understanding what D17, my IC and people here have been trying to tell me. Being negative makes me feel bad and repels people. Radical concept right? This epiphany just hit me. Wow.
How have I made it 53 years and not understand this most basic of concepts? I get it though I was clinically depressed up until 6 months ago.
Journal post. I'm making an effort to actually work today and now I feel like crying. Its like my brain fights again doing or feeling anything positive. Here I get positive feedback almost immediately so why is this so hard? I have no doubt it's connected to past trauma I just can't figure out the source yet.
At home with my kids I know if I don't do this I will lose them....again and I don't want that. The pain of that potential loss is greater than the pain of change.
At work the pain of change is higher than the pain of staying the same.
WTH?
Sadly I've had this problem my entire life. It's why I couldn't make lasting change.
If change were easy, we'd all make 7 figures, look like rock stars, and have great relationships with the loves of our lives. You're trying. Everyday! That's something to be proud about.
If change were easy, we'd all make 7 figures, look like rock stars, and have great relationships with the loves of our lives. You're trying. Everyday! That's something to be proud about.
True. lol Thank you for this. The narrative in my head is "I can't do this". With that in mind I've forced myself to work despite the inertia. I've done this in the past plenty of times successfully to achieve goals but I had to want it bad enough (like with my kids).
This isn't quite DB related but in my mind it is. Had WAH not left I would not be doing any of this.
D14 is having dinner tonight with WAH, first time in weeks. They will be discussing my move which I hate. It needs to be done of course because she wants to live with him. I emphasized to D14 that my plans are tentative. People say they are going to help me move furniture but I can't 100% guarantee it. I can't afford movers so I'm at the mercy of friends or WAH.
I'll be glad when the move is over. After this I shouldn't have to see or talk to him again for years. Our divorce can be done through our attorney's since the only thing we have to negotiate is alimony. Right?
After this I shouldn't have to see or talk to him again for years.
No. That's fantasy. You have a D14. Even if you choose not to exercise your rights to physical custody, you're co-responsible for her legally at least until she's 18. And, even if you could waive all legal responsibilities, you still are her only mother. Expect child-centric communication and negotiations for 7+ years.
No. That's fantasy. You have a D14. Even if you choose not to exercise your rights to physical custody, you're co-responsible for her legally at least until she's 18. And, even if you could waive all legal responsibilities, you still are her only mother. Expect child-centric communication and negotiations for 7+ years.
He takes them to dinner once a week and then he leaves. Been this way for 6 months.
He will have D14 yes and with her we will parallel parent. No communication necessary.
Ok WAH will answer me (sometimes). When my car was broken down? Ignored. I asked him to enroll S19 in college. He did it. Asked him to do the residency requirement. Did that too. When I couldn't get an apartment on my own? Ignored.
Originally Posted by "Kas99"
I saw the house yesterday so it’s official now. D14 knows now it’s official but doesn’t know where it is. She will tell WAH everything she knows.
Originally Posted by "Kas99"
Been this way for 6 months. He will have D14 yes and with her we will parallel parent. No communication necessary.
Hrm, that doesn't even sound like what's happening now? You two communicated about colleges, and you two seem to rely on your children as an e-mail substitute. (I don't have much experience with this--I told my kids early on if their Mom has something to say, she has my phone and e-mail info.)
D14 is your daughter even if you give up physical custody, just as D17 is his daughter. That implies legal limits to what he or you can do without the others' consent. Normal items co-parents discuss include travel, grades, religion, health, friends, extra-curriculars, and discipline. Also, you or he may go on trips or have work schedules where what's best for the child is staying at the other home (even while the devil on the other shoulder may want to 'stick it to them' by making them pay for a babysitter.) You or he may be better at some parenting issues (e.g., homework or menstrual cycles), or may need to backup each other and work together on other issues to achieve what's best for your kid.
Most divorced parents communicate for the sake of their kids. The quantity and quality of that communication of course differs radically and changes as there's space from the breakup.
Kas... I get the feeling of not wanting to communicate with the WAH. No contact does help. But...as others have said...when you share children, that just isn’t realistic. Sooner or later, you will have to, at minimum, exchange text messages as there are always logistics to work out. From what you said about the messages he responds to and the ones he ignores. Hate to say it... but it looks like he tends to respond to messages that require him to be a dad and ignores the ones that require him to be a husband. He has clearly quit doing that job at this point. My advice....stop setting yourself up for disappointment and only communicate with him about the kids. My XH and I probably message each other five of seven days a week. It is all about the kids and we keep it very short and to the point. It gets easier as your feelings fade and you realize you will be okay no matter what. There is a peace that comes with knowing that. Keep working on it. You will get there. (((HUGS)))
