Summary: Married 28 years, 3 teenagers, WAH planned to leave over a year ago, BD - 4/1/2019 Moved out 4/6/2019 Lease is up 10/31/2019 Both moving into our own places.
He says he left because I'm mentally ill. After he left I started taking new meds and am no longer depressed or have anxiety. This is the longest I've gone without any issue (6 months). The kids have told him how great I'm doing and they can't lie. They tell him everything as they do me. There is no privacy even with no contact.
I have done a 180 but still have lots of work to do. In the first 30 days he got everything ready to file for divorce. I was 99% sure he was going to file but he didn't. D17 has disowned him and that day he sent her a horrible, desperate text. At that point the kids said he went from wanting a D yesterday to doing nothing. It's been 6 months and he still hasn't filed. Our attorneys are negotiating a separation agreement. This won't go well. He wants to pay child support only and that's not how it works since it's a long marriage and I was a homemaker for 15 years.
He said back in May that he'd consider reconciling (he took it back in July) only because of the new meds but it wouldn't have worked anyway. 6 months isn't enough time for me to make lasting changes so I'm moving on. I've rented a house, I'm packing and by Oct 13th our ties should be severed.
Our kids are teenagers so there isn't a reason to communicate so haven't spoken in months. Our last connection is the house that we rent jointly. I mostly journal here but I was wondering what happens after ties are severed. Guessing we go back to where we've been for months right?
My current question. I was supposed to move into an apartment but changed my mind and rented a house instead. WAH didn’t see me doing that. Anyway D14 told him but she said it wasn’t official yet because I hadn’t even seen it yet. I’d just put down a deposit because the competition is fierce at this price point.
I saw the house yesterday so it’s official now. WAH knows it isn’t in the school district but we’ve already had that discussion. D14 knows now it’s official but doesn’t know where it is. She will tell WAH everything she knows. S19 still thinks we are moving to an apartment. D17 isn’t speaking to WAH so I’ve told her. Everything has happened fast.
Do I tell everyone now? Address and all? Everything I say gets back to him. He won’t like where this house is because my estranged mother of 20 years lives down the street. I’d live next door to her to keep out of apartment. I’m not angry or scared of her anymore.
If my kids weren't in the middle I'd say screw him. He lied to me for over a year and I don't owe him anything now. So far D14 has been satisfied with pictures. I'm not sure that will be enough for S19.
I don't mind keeping things from my kids unless it directly affects them then I feel they have a right to know.
Do I tell everyone now? Address and all? Everything I say gets back to him. He won’t like where this house is because my estranged mother of 20 years lives down the street.
Why do you care what he thinks? He left you. You're taking control of your life. It doesn't matter what he thinks. As for telling everyone you're moving, yes of course, that's the polite thing to do.
I mostly journal here but I was wondering what happens after ties are severed.
You have kids together, so ties will likely never be 100% severed. I spoke to my ex-wife on the phone for 22 minutes this weekend about my daughter. Your ex doesn't sound as involved with his kids.
Originally Posted by "Kas99"
Do I tell everyone now? Address and all? Everything I say gets back to him. He won’t like..
He's your co-parent not your partner. I think your only obligation was notifying and perhaps discussing with him the school change. Once his kids change residence, I'd think you have an obligation to tell him. If it significantly affects his pick-ups or drop-offs, I think more like 30 days' notice would be in order.
Originally Posted by "Kas99"
He lied to me for over a year and I don't owe him anything now. So far D14 has been satisfied with pictures. I'm not sure that will be enough for S19. I don't mind keeping things from my kids unless it directly affects them then I feel they have a right to know.
I would share whatever your kids need to be as comfortable as possible. I wouldn't withhold info that would make them more comfortable because they may share it with your ex and he may not like your choice.
Why do you care what he thinks? He left you. You're taking control of your life. It doesn't matter what he thinks. As for telling everyone you're moving, yes of course, that's the polite thing to do.
They are his kids too and he will worry about the affect of her on all of our lives. My parents have done some really horrible things to me over the years but my father was behind it all and he's dead now. He was the abuser and I could never get my mom to leave him. Mom sends me birthday cards every once in a while so she never gave up on me. She told me once that she'd never change her phone number in case I ever called. She's 73 years old and I'm so over it.
I wonder if this isn't a coincidence that I'm going to live near her. I've had these feelings before but that was before medication. The sheer thought of her would send me into a tailspin. I don't feel that way now.
This will anger WAH but he left me no choice. It's either this house or an apartment. You're right its my life but I do worry about him taking me to court or something saying I'm a bad mother for putting my kids in harms way. My mother would never hurt them though. She's rich and would spoil them silly. That's how she treats her other grandkids.
You have kids together, so ties will likely never be 100% severed. I spoke to my ex-wife on the phone for 22 minutes this weekend about my daughter. Your ex doesn't sound as involved with his kids.
I do not know how to respond to this. I thought the kids would flock to him and ask him to do everything but it hasn't played out that way. He wants to be involved but I don't think they are interested. I wasn't trying to do some parental alienation thing I just got better and more fun. He stayed the same. He wasn't fun before and he isn't fun now. At home we laugh, dance, tell jokes, it's like night and day from where we were. The kids say he's cranky now.
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I would share whatever your kids need to be as comfortable as possible. I wouldn't withhold info that would make them more comfortable because they may share it with your ex and he may not like your choice.
This is tough. D14 is okay with pictures but S19 might want more information. I don't blame him I'd want to know where I'm going to be living.
Kas... don’t worry about what he is going to think. You are taking care of you and your kids the best way you can. He chose to leave so he has no say anymore. As you said...housing these days is difficult to find. RE: your mom. Obviously I don’t know the details but I do know that life is short and that if there is any way to mend fences with your mom and rebuild a relationship with her, why not give it a try? I lost my mom two years ago and my dad 14 years ago. I cannot imagine how much harder it would have been if they had passed with things left unsaid between us or some unfinished business. Also...my XMIL is a HUGE help with my kids now that I am a single parent AND my kids have another person in their lives to love and support them which is never a bad thing. Maybe you finding a house so close to your mom is a sign that the time is right for you to reconcile. These situations often bring us blessings we did not anticipate. Maybe this is one of those blessings. Best of luck. (((HUGS)))
It's not a coincidence that I'm moving near my mom. I did think maybe it's another blessing to come out of all of this mess.
S19 had dinner with WAH yesterday. WAH is planning on quitting the 2nd job soon. He thinks he won't need it once he's done paying all my bills. Thinks he will have more money. S19 doesn't even know about alimony and even he gets that WAH bills are going up. WAH is delusional if he thinks after 28 years of marriage all he will have to pay is child support and my deposits. I gave up my career to stay at home and he makes 3.5 times what I do. He evidently doesn't know about my attorney yet.
