Well... it's done. I'm officially divorced. I have sole custody of the kids. ExW gets them overnight every other Saturday. As of now, she isn't even taking them then. She got half of my retirement and I had to pay her a lump sum of $8000. I got to keep the house. I pay no spousal support and she pays no child support. So glad to be done with all of it. I'm the happiest I've been in a long time. It's amazing that over a year and a half ago, if you would have asked me, I would have stuck in there and dealt with all the BS to make it work. Over time, I was able to see things how they truly were and reached a point of acceptance. My kids and I are so much better off now. For anyone reading this, I cannot stress enough how important it is to follow the steps in DBing. Whether things you end up divorced or not, its so important to getting through everything. Good luck, all...
Me: 38 W:31 Kids: S16(mine from previous R), D10, S9, S4 M: 10 years T:12 years BD:Jan 3, 2018 W moved out: Apr 13,2018 Filed for D: Jun 2018 D final: Sep 2019
I suppose I could go read everything in your situation - but how were you able to get sole custody? I'm at the legal stage in my situation and have asked for full custody.
My son lives with me and sees his mom Wednesday nights and once a weekend. She agreed to this with me two months ago. She's bailed twice now on her weekend day with him to be out with friends.
Glad you are happy!
H 37 W 31 S 2
T: 7 M: 4
BD 12/18 Separated 2/19 Living back together 04/06/2019 W Moved out again 07/15/2019
Just went back and read your updates on the last couple of pages MTB, WOW! I am so glad your kids have you as their lighthouse because your XW is completely off the rails. I can only imagine the meth binge she went on after getting the settlement check. She'll burn through that in short order and then guess who will be back knocking on MTB's door. Unbelievable. Good job holding things together for you and your kids, and congrats on the new relationship!
I suppose I could go read everything in your situation - but how were you able to get sole custody? I'm at the legal stage in my situation and have asked for full custody.
My son lives with me and sees his mom Wednesday nights and once a weekend. She agreed to this with me two months ago. She's bailed twice now on her weekend day with him to be out with friends.
Glad you are happy!
Documentation is key. I kept a daily journal of when she did or didn't see the kids. As simple as writing the date and "No Contact" if she did not see or talk to them that day. If it was her scheduled day and she bailed, I would write the date, the time she was supposed to have them and "No Contact"....
In my case, it was easy because she agreed to giving me sole custody. She's also an addict and having the kids was cramping her lifestyle...
Me: 38 W:31 Kids: S16(mine from previous R), D10, S9, S4 M: 10 years T:12 years BD:Jan 3, 2018 W moved out: Apr 13,2018 Filed for D: Jun 2018 D final: Sep 2019
Neffer - The kids are doing great. They've kind of reached the point that they just come to terms with everything. In the beginning, they wanted to see her a lot or would cry when she would back out on her time with them. I eventually got to the point where I wouldn't even tell them they were going to see her because she backed out so much. It would break their hearts if I told them they were going to see her that day and she called it off an hour before. Now I don't say anything. We just get in the car and I take them there as a "surprise". I couldn't watch them be let down anymore....
AS - I've had the same thoughts about the money. It's kind of funny because she was blowing my phone up non stop to get the settlement check. Gave me a sob story about how she was going to be evicted from government housing for being behind on rent and her power was going to get shut off if she didn't pay the power company immediately. This went on for 4-5 days until everything was finalized and it was safe for me to give her the check. My lawyer told me not to give her anything until everything was entered because she could say it was a gift if she got it before the court ordered it. The next day when I took the kids to see herm, she had a brand new iPhone. I'm sure the money will be gone in no time. Oh well, not my problem...
Me: 38 W:31 Kids: S16(mine from previous R), D10, S9, S4 M: 10 years T:12 years BD:Jan 3, 2018 W moved out: Apr 13,2018 Filed for D: Jun 2018 D final: Sep 2019
AS - I've had the same thoughts about the money. It's kind of funny because she was blowing my phone up non stop to get the settlement check. Gave me a sob story about how she was going to be evicted from government housing for being behind on rent and her power was going to get shut off if she didn't pay the power company immediately. This went on for 4-5 days until everything was finalized and it was safe for me to give her the check. My lawyer told me not to give her anything until everything was entered because she could say it was a gift if she got it before the court ordered it. The next day when I took the kids to see herm, she had a brand new iPhone. I'm sure the money will be gone in no time. Oh well, not my problem...
Unfortunately I've had a little too much experience with family members and drug addiction. What you describe is very typical, when they see that carrot dangling and all that is between them and that payday is you then they will bug you incessantly. You and I might say "wow that's not much money, they better make it last" but to them it's a billion dollars, they can spend and spend and it will always replenish itself. Except of course it doesn't. They go on a drug binge and then one day the drugs run out and wow, the money is gone too? Then here they come with a new sob story. "Not my problem" is clearly your mantra... and it has to be! There is no other way. You can't get in the middle of that, because you can't pull her up, she can only drag you down. She's got to keep floundering until she hits bottom and then HOPEFULLY she'll do the right thing and get professional help. Unfortunately there's rarely a happy ending for addicts.
I forgot to say this in my original update a couple day ago, and I think it's an important thing for everyone on this forum to realize. A few weeks ago, when we were getting ready to sign all of the paperwork WW made a few comments that really stuck out. A couple of days before she signed, she called me out of the blue to tell me that she still loved me and that she always will. That she was sorry for any pain that she caused me and never meant to hurt me. That she was seeing things differently now. I just let her talk. When she finished, I just said "OK. Thanks". Then there was a long pause like she was waiting for me to say something else. I finally asked her if that was all she wanted. She said yes. Then another long pause. I told her I had to go and got of the phone...
The next day, she sent a text talking about how she was second guessing everything, and wanted me to contact her. I did not. I have moved on and realize I am in a much better place...
On the day she signed the papers, she sent another text saying she never thought it would come to this and wished we could go back. I did not respond to that either...
Like many others on the board have mentioned, it is not uncommon for the WW to change their tune when it comes down to the final minute. I cannot definitely say if it was because she truly had a change of heart, or she wanted to pull me back in to play her games and string me along for future use. I guess my point is, it's not over until it's over. It's easy for the LBS to lose hope, but if you are truly committed to your marriage, stand as long as you can (unless abuse/addiction are an issue). I'm not saying you should push for divorce hoping it scares them, but rather things get real for the WW when it reaches that point...
Me: 38 W:31 Kids: S16(mine from previous R), D10, S9, S4 M: 10 years T:12 years BD:Jan 3, 2018 W moved out: Apr 13,2018 Filed for D: Jun 2018 D final: Sep 2019
Just realized recently that the BD was just over 2 years ago now. Seems like a lifetime ago. Currently in a new relationship with a wonderful woman that is beyond amazing. Happiest I've been in years. If you would have told me this 2 years ago, I would have never believed it...
For everyone out there still standing, keep up the DB'ing. You WILL be alright. It may be reconciling, it may not. Remember that we are doing this for ourselves and no one else. Allow yourself to be uncomfortable. Allow yourself to grow. In the end, everything will work out. You may not see it now, but later you will. Keep up the good work, guys...
Me: 38 W:31 Kids: S16(mine from previous R), D10, S9, S4 M: 10 years T:12 years BD:Jan 3, 2018 W moved out: Apr 13,2018 Filed for D: Jun 2018 D final: Sep 2019
