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I guess where I get confused within my own thoughts is how this applies when I think about “doing what works”. In one sense this does work: it draws him closer and builds a connection between us. He initiates conversations with me, I never initiate with him.
I am cordial and upbeat (and genuinely feel that way much more often these days). I am inching closer and closer to true acceptance that he is gone.
I just don’t know how I can pull back any more than I have? So am I “doing what works”? In one sense, yes. But clearly he’s seeing what he would be missing if we D, and he just doesn’t miss it. So in that sense, no.

There’s obviously the possibility that he’s so far gone that nothing would work, but given the purpose of this forum that isn’t worth spending energy on, because that would be giving up.

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H just sent me this text:

Hi I’m just thinking about the future a bit. I’m hoping you will consider letting me take D4 to LA or Washington to see family. Obviously there is more to discuss and I know it’s more complex for you, but at least you can give it some thought. You get to take her to Tahoe for overnights and such so I’m hoping you’d see a reciprocal allowance.....?

I feel completely sick. The context here is important. D4 has never spent the night with H, so this is a huge leap. I’m not even close to comfortable with these scenarios. And also, I’ve taken D4 away for overnight trips because 1) she spends every night with me and 2) I wanted to take her on family trips, he could have been along for any and all of them had he wanted to be.

Do I need to respond to this? If so, how?

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So I responded with just “I will give it some thought” which is true and brief and avoids a text conversation about this complex issue (which does not ever work well for us).

I am giving it thought of course. When we discuss it, I feel like saying that I am not comfortable with this at this point, but that I recognize that it will be a reality down the line.
I feel like also saying something like “I’m hearing that you are looking for more autonomy as a parent, and I see why that’s important to you. Knowing that it’s important to you, there is space for that.
I think that you tried to let me know you needed more autonomy with D4 while we were together, and I failed to hear and support that need. If I had it to do over again, I would do things differently around that.”

This feels like a good opportunity to validate the feelings behind this and other recent requests. Thoughts?

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I think too much talking. If he brings it up (that he wanted more autonomy when you were together) then you can validate but it sounds as though you are trying to explain his feelings for him.


H 37
W 31
S 2

T: 7
M: 4

BD 12/18
Separated 2/19
Living back together 04/06/2019
W Moved out again 07/15/2019
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That makes sense, I guess I can’t validate a feeling (even if it’s one he’s told me about in the past) unless it comes up in the present.

Yesterday morning was interesting. H came to pick up D4, he seemed a little nervous or something, and we had an awkward moment b/c he wanted to borrow something that I had previously not let him borrow to use with D4. There was a moment of misunderstanding, and I got a little frustrated. I made a point to let it go and not get into a negative interaction over it. A little later H came over and rubbed my back a little bit (!) and said he was sorry for the misunderstanding. I told him it was ok and that I wasn’t upset and explained my feelings briefly. Things loosened up after that and it was pleasant. Afterward I sent him a text to validate the feelings he’d expressed and he replied “thank you I appreciate that!”
Don’t know if it meant anything but it was nice 180s for both of us.
Later I could tell he was using his language carefully (about something else) to avoid giving me hope, so there that is as well.

I get confused sometimes because I read here “do what works and stop doing what doesn’t” It seems to me that my
Being friendly and cordial is “working” in the sense that it pulls him closer rather than farther. But it kind of contradicts with the idea that I should be pulling back. I’m over thinking and confused...

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The way I see it is, do what works for YOU. Do what makes you feel more relaxed and happy. Do things that help you drive forward rather than spin your wheels. Don't worry about the effect it's having on him. He's on his own journey and you have less influence over him than you think. Be your best self because that's the person you want to be, not because it's the person he might want to be with smile


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What Scout said. Not that my sitch is the same as yours but my H was always nervous and pleasant around me whenever he had to spend more than two minutes in my presence. My take on it was that he was lying his a$$ off to me about what he was doing and was scared I might find out and let loose on him (not that I ever have). He wanted me to have some hope because it kept things really pleasant and upbeat. Do not do anything to try to affect him. Believe me...it will backfire. Live your life for you. If he ever wants to come back and make things work, he will make it crystal clear and you will not be confused about it. (((HUGS)))

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Thank you both. That was good advice, I’ve been spinning, trying desperately at the 11th hour.

I just got this text from H:

So I think it’s time to get a mediator before we head into court unless you want to just figure it out between us. I think the mediator is free through the court though

When he says head into court, I believe he is referring to the status check in court date scheduled for November.
I know I can’t stop this train and I just want to respond in the best DB way possible. Can someone help?

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I'm not sure about the cost of a mediator. My XH and I talked about getting a mediator but what ended up happening is he went to a lawyer and drafted a separation agreement (now our divorce agreement) with proposed divisions of assets and custody stuff. As he was still in an ultra agreeable state (he had not yet confirmed his affair and didn't want me to know about it), I took advantage as what he proposed was pretty reasonable - especially for me. The only sticking point we had was the date of separation (he obviously told OW May 1st whereas it was October 1st in my world). He threw a hissy fit when I said I didn't want to agree to it but in the end I agreed just to move things along and also not risk him becoming less agreeable on the things I wanted. Also...because he is the one who drafted the proposal, his lawyer bill was much, much higher than mine. Mine ended up being about $1,200. That's a win in my books. Anyway...you may want to propose to your H that he have something drafted that you can use as a starting point. Make him play his hand first. If you think it is too much weighted on his side, you can always go to a mediator afterwards. That's my opinion for what it is worth. smile

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I continue to work toward detachment. It’s a struggle, but it comes in small, brief, fleeting waves.
H is in a pattern in which he sends me a vague text related to D stuff, (as in my last post), I respond briefly and affirmatively and then he doesn’t respond or say anything more about it. It feels like he’s testing the waters to see if I’ll freak out on him, and I’m proud to say that I’ve been steady in my resolve. Ive been nothing except cordial and upbeat, and neutrally cooperative in regards to the mentions of D stuff. It’s empowering.

He also continues to be friendly and even flirtatious with me at times, and then retreat to being a bit colder and more withdrawn. He’s made a couple of odd comments about other men finding me attractive lately which catches me off guard. Last night as he left after putting D4 to bed he stopped in the doorway and asked if “everything is going ok”. I’d been nothing but upbeat all evening, and just smiled and said “yup! You?”
It’s all curious to me, and I consciously try not to dissect it too much.

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