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I'm sure she's seen this a thousand times before. The things you are thinking and saying and doing are not at all unusual. Don't be so hard on yourself, this is an emotional whirlwind and you get thrown around all over the place by it. Again, this is why it's good to have a lawyer, she can be the stability you need on the legal side of things.


Back in May when I called to cancel the court date (she was not happy) I told her we'd worked out a settlement. She responded back "don't sign anything until I look at it". I hope she isn't holding this against me.

I have more of the picture now of what happened. His friend who has been divorced 3 times coached him. They came up with a plan that WAH executed within 30 days. The friend told him there is no alimony in my state (incorrect) and that all he'd have to pay is child support for a few years (our kids are teens). My kids told me that WAH was going to file ASAP (May) but then he stopped.

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Why does that make YOU an idiot? That makes HIM an idiot. And again, that's just affirmation that you need to let your lawyer control the legal side. Believe me this ain't her first rodeo.


He used my neediness against me how is he an idiot? Seems pretty smart to me. His only mistake was not jumping on the offer when he had it. Instead he left me in the house for 6-7 months giving me time to think. He could have been divorced by now....we have nothing.

Last edited by kas99; 09/16/19 03:48 PM.
kas99 #2865489 09/16/19 04:29 PM
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Originally Posted by "Kas99"
The friend told him there is no alimony in my state (incorrect). His only mistake was not jumping on the offer when he had it.

Hi Kas, his behavior sounds more like "stumbling through a divorce" the same way many do. Step 1 in a brilliant plan would've been him calling someone who knows how this all works--e.g., a divorce attorney--who would've informed him about guidelines amounts for alimony and child support.

I agree it sounds like he was "trying to be clever", and by calling your lawyer you stopped him! I'm so glad you've found yourself a home and see a financial path forward.

There are sometimes extra checks in the justice system. Our judge required us to sign a paper informing us each of and rejecting guideline amounts. E.g., "You're entitled to $1023.42/month. Do you want to waive this?" Agreements often also must include very specific wordings.

Last edited by CWarrior; 09/16/19 04:35 PM.
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kas99 Offline OP
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Hi Kas, his behavior sounds more like "stumbling through a divorce" the same way many do. Step 1 in a brilliant plan would've been him calling someone who knows how this all works--e.g., a divorce attorney--who would've informed him about guidelines amounts for alimony and child support.


S19 says he's "winging it". This friend referred him to a drive through attorney who he did not consult with until the day after BD. Upon visiting that attorney he realized that his friend was wrong. Although it was funny WAH told me he had papers and wanted me to help him fill them out (in a text mind you). I might be trying to nice him back but I'm not going to help him divorce me.

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I agree it sounds like he was "trying to be clever", and by calling your lawyer you stopped him! I'm so glad you've found yourself a home and see a financial path forward.


He was clever. Kept this a secret, played nice nice with me but yesI hired an attorney before he did. He's underestimated me since. He didn't count on me getting new medications that fixed depression and gave me clarity. Yeah I've made lots of mistakes but I've also with the help of friends (irl and here) gotten a lot right too. I put a deposit on that house sight unseen. I'm going to look at in an hour.

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There are sometimes extra checks in the justice system. Our judge required us to sign a paper informing us each of and rejecting guideline amounts. E.g., "You're entitled to $1023.42/month. Do you want to waive this?" Agreements often also must include very specific wordings.


I'd bet his attorney told him this which would explain why he didn't file in May. He was PISSED the day I thought he was going to file. He then had to retreat and come up with another plan that I don't yet know about it.


Last edited by kas99; 09/16/19 04:57 PM.
kas99 #2865494 09/16/19 05:15 PM
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How does it work if all he pays me is child support? Can he drag this out so he doesn't have to pay me? Bury me in legal fees just to avoid paying support? Hope not. If our attorneys can't work this out we go before a judge right?

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kas99 #2865499 09/16/19 06:42 PM
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Originally Posted by kas99
She responded back "don't sign anything until I look at it". I hope she isn't holding this against me.


Use what against you? She advised you not to sign anything and you didn't, so you followed her advice.

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He used my neediness against me how is he an idiot?


You said it yourself, he relied on a friend who "coached" him with a plan, but his friend has no legal background. He assumed there was no alimony in your state and he was wrong. Those are the actions of an idiot.

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How does it work if all he pays me is child support? Can he drag this out so he doesn't have to pay me? Bury me in legal fees just to avoid paying support? Hope not. If our attorneys can't work this out we go before a judge right?


He could just quit paying you anything if he wanted to be nasty. Then you would be the one having to file. Yes if he wants to play games and you don't respond by filing yourself, then he could drag things out indefinitely. He may be trying to buy time, if he could postpone until the kids reach the age of maturity in your state then he could avoid child support and possibly argue that he shouldn't have to pay alimony either since (by then) you will have been separated for years giving you ample time to establish yourself. Talk to your L about this, be prepared for anything.


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
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kas99 Offline OP
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You said it yourself, he relied on a friend who "coached" him with a plan, but his friend has no legal background. He assumed there was no alimony in your state and he was wrong. Those are the actions of an idiot.


This whole time I've thought "idiot" in my head because every mistake he could have made he made it. He's operating on full emotion right now. As a LBS I don't have that luxury. I know I've whined on here plenty but at home I was forced to get it together and fast. WAH had years to prepare and he ticked all the boxes except see an attorney.

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He could just quit paying you anything if he wanted to be nasty. Then you would be the one having to file. Yes if he wants to play games and you don't respond by filing yourself, then he could drag things out indefinitely. He may be trying to buy time, if he could postpone until the kids reach the age of maturity in your state then he could avoid child support and possibly argue that he shouldn't have to pay alimony either since (by then) you will have been separated for years giving you ample time to establish yourself. Talk to your L about this, be prepared for anything.



I've been trying to think about what his idiot friend would tell him to do and yes this would be something he'd say. WAH has moved in with another friend so my gut tells me that idiot friend has grown bored of this. I mean it's been 6 months and idiot friend has so many other shiny things to chase. I can hear his voice in my head "ah WAH she will crack eventually" you know because I'm "crazy". lol The answer to everything is to wait until I fall apart. I swear I think they were counting on it.

Last edited by kas99; 09/16/19 08:27 PM.
kas99 #2865531 09/16/19 11:35 PM
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Probably won’t get an answer right now but D14 wants to tell WAH where I’m moving to. He will find out eventually right? He will hate it because it’s down the street from my estranged mother. I didn’t have many options.

kas99 #2865536 09/17/19 12:25 AM
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Hi Kas, I don't ask my kids to keep secrets from their mom. I don't like to put them into that position. His hating, loving, or being indifferent about the choice shouldn't be a big factor as long as he's fired you.

Last edited by CWarrior; 09/17/19 12:33 AM.
kas99 #2865542 09/17/19 01:30 AM
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Should I email him directly? Right now all communication is through the kids. There isn’t much to say other than my tentative moving plans.

kas99 #2865545 09/17/19 02:01 AM
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Nvm I don’t want to talk to him. I have nothing to say. If I didn’t want him to know about the house I shouldn’t have told her.

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