Just What I Needed

[tadpole1025]

Hey everyone.

Just a quick little update.

My previous thread is titled "OM Backed Out".


Previous Thread:

OM Backed Out


I've had the new kittens for almost two weeks now.

I love them.

They definitely have personality. Now that they are pretty much settled in and we are getting comfortable with each other, I've noticed that they are starting to get excited when I come home from work...happy to see me. I've also noticed that when I'm at work, I'm anxious to get home to spend time with them. It may sound terrible, but I feel like I have a purpose again. They are wonderful and just what I needed. I still miss "PJ", but they have done my heart a lot of good. I'm spoiling them rotten too. And why not? They deserve it and I enjoy spoiling them. Ever since the XW jumped on the crazy train, I've become a very light sleeper and wake up several times through the night...usually every hour or two. EVERY time that I wake up the past several nights, both kittens are cuddled up to me. They have the run of the entire apartment, four beds and two couches, but yet they choose to cuddle with me. I love it. They are so loving and sweet. Like others that post here, I believe that "PJ" opened the door for these two. I believe that maybe this was his purpose.

In other news:

A coworker of mine has THREE different girlfriends that are single. She wants to introduce me to them. I really think I'm going to pass. I just have no interest right now.

Tad

[DnJ]

That is a wonderful update.

I am very glad you feel purpose and your heart warming. Those two bundles of energy and fur sound like they have really taken to you. And why not? It’s not all due to your spoiling of them (lol), it’s because you have a kind and good heart.

I agree with you about meeting the three girls. You’ll know when you are ready. There is no rush.

DnJ

[bttrfly]

awesome!

focus on the fur babies is best.
xoxoxo

[tadpole1025]

Thanks DnJ and bttrfly.

Just a quick update since it has been awhile.

The kittens are growing. I've had them a little over a month and they seem to get more comfortable every day. They own the place. I just live here. It's funny coming home from work in the evenings. When I open the door, they actually sprint to greet me. They are wonderful. Have you ever walked into a daycare center and seen all of the toys on the floor for the little kids? My apartment looks just like that these days, but it is covered with cat toys. Again, they own the place...spoiled rotten.

A few times today, I noticed the date...October 10th. I knew it had some sort of significance, but couldn't quite put my finger on it. Almost everything bad that has happened in my life has happened in August, September or October so I knew it was something unpleasant. Finally, it hit me: 10/10/10 was the day that XW dropped the bomb...casually dropped the bomb while we were in the front yard watering the rose bushes like we did every Sunday. It bothers me a little, but not like it used to. I still believe that she'll never know just how much I loved her.

Something I'm struggling with:

Apparently, I'm afraid to leave town. I've been wanting to take a road trip out of town to take some good pictures. I never did though because I didn't really trust my car. (That was my excuse.) Well, I bought a new car a few weeks ago and finally took a vacation. I had 10 days off of work to do whatever I wanted. A few days ago, I finally forced myself to drive about an hour north and came straight back home. I only did it because I knew people will be asking if I took "that road trip" when I return to work tomorrow. I actually drove all the way up to my destination, got gas, and drove right back home. Not sure why I'm like this. I'm afraid to do anything that takes me too far from home. Since the divorce, I haven't really gone anywhere partly because I wasn't able to or just didn't want to. Now that I'm more able to do it, I still don't want to. I always had an excuse before: wanted to be here for PJ, no money, unreliable car, not able to take time off...

Now I can, but don't.

I'm afraid of getting stranded. I'm afraid of having a health issue. I'm just afraid and I hate it.

No idea why.

Tad

[DnJ]

Hello Tad

The kittens sound great. And the apartment sounds like the cats rule it. An arrangement I’m sure those two feline friends are most pleased with.

Nice to see how long it took for 10/10/10 to register. Well done. Look at you, I turn my back for a bit and you go and get all healing on me.

What kind of car did you buy? When you say new, do you mean brand new? Colour? What cool fancy features does it have?

Tad, I am proud of you for admitting those excuses that you used for not going before. And stating the realization that you can go, but don’t.

Now I can, but don't.

You did go, got gas, and returned. So, you did - don’t say don’t anymore.

Now I can, but don't.

This moves things into the realm of will or won’t.

I'm afraid of getting stranded. I'm afraid of having a health issue. I'm just afraid and I hate it.

No idea why.

I’m sorry man. I empathize and totally get the hating of feeling afraid.

You also mentioned being afraid to go too far from home.

Remember fear is just the irrational response to a possible future event. Stranded, health issue - for example.

Tad, I would like you to do something. Go and fill up your new car at that gas station one hour north from you, again. Before you return, find a nice back ground for a picture, maybe a large tree or cool building. Park in front of it and take a picture of your new car in all its shiny splendour. Then leisurely come home.

Post about it. Tell me how your car looks against the back drop. If leaves were falling and crunched as you drove over them. If the angle of the sun did justice to the sheen of the paint. Did the sky and clouds reflect in the glass. What the temperature was.

This is a pretty results specific task and will require your intellectual attention. That rational part. You have a destination, and a purpose. Rational - right?

And I do want to hear about your car.

DnJ

[AndrewP]

Hi Tad. Good on you for taking yourself out of your comfort zone.

I believe that I am familiar with the feelings you are having. For me, I call it "operating without a net". Having had a partner that we felt had our back betray and then vanish is quite the kick in the self confidence.

Yes, you may know that I recently took myself to Spain. But leading up to that trip I was terrified and rationalized all sorts of reasons to not go. But I did get myself on the plane and faced, sometimes reluctantly the various challenges. Part of what kept me going, like you, was that I had people who were expecting me to do it and I felt accountable to them and more importantly myself to follow through.

You will get that confidence back. Lean even if just in your mind on what support you may have. There is no straight path to healing and finding yourself again. You'll get there one small step at a time.

[kml]

Tad - this sounds like the start of agoraphobia. I recommend seeing a therapist who practices Cognitive behavioral therapy.

[tadpole1025]

Thanks DnJ, Andrew and KML.

DnJ, the activity that you mentioned sounds like a good one, but again, I'm afraid. Really. I will try it though, but it may take a few weeks to get the nerve to go.

My car? It's a brand new (2019) Toyota Corolla. It had a whopping 6 miles on it. It's the same type of car that I had when I got divorced, but eventually lost due to financial reasons. The only differences are it is newer, prettier and this one is a hatchback. It has all of the fancy features including navigation and the ability to hook the phone up to it. I can change the radio station just by telling it to. It's a cool color too. It's called "Galactic Aqua", but basically it's black from far away, dark metallic blue up close and dark metallic green from another angle. It's very pretty...it reminds me of a bowling ball that I used to have.

Andrew, you're right about the kick in self confidence. And I do rationalize and come up with excuses not to go. I've always had a fear of flying, but the act of going ANYWHERE has just been since the divorce. It sux. I grew up in Monterey, California. (Off and on) I loved it there. I was so close to the Pacific Ocean that I could see it from my bedroom window. It's actually where I met XW. I love it there and have wanted to go back for a visit for years. But...I won't. I tell myself that I won't because I have so many memories there. Mostly of XW. I think though that that is also just an excuse.

KML, thanks for the heads up. I did some reading on Agoraphobia. I think you may be right. I don't have the anxiety attacks though. Just mostly a fear of having another heart attack and getting stuck in a hospital somewhere or having car problems and getting stranded. Mostly a fear of not being able to get home. Don't have a fear of LEAVING home, but a fear of not being able to GET BACK home. Thank you. I'll dig a little deeper. Didn't even know there was such a thing as Agoraphobia.

That's all for now. Thanks for the responses.

Tad

[AndrewP]

Tad - as a middle-aged "fat guy" - at least in my mind now but in fact prior to bomb-day, I also had a lot of worries about my health. Still do to an extent.

Part of it was the "what if something happens". Heart attacks happen and being alone means nobody to count on. Although as an aside, my now ex once left me on a bathroom floor to die after I fell one day. It was only after she heard me moving that she came in and yelled at me for making a mess. Ah - good times

I do know that you have several kids but am not sure how close you are to them. My two were fairly far away and one still is. I "wanted" them to check in on me regularly but they've got lives and junk like that. So what I did is I signed up for a free app called Life360 so that they could at a glance know if Dad had gotten to work, gotten home etc. Living alone in a big house with 2 cats and feeling like I had no immediate support structure was tough on me. A bit to my surprise they started sharing their locations as well even though S25 stopped a while ago saying that the app drained the battery on his old phone. D27 still does share her location. Her husband did too until he deployed. They liked it as a couple as she would know when he was leaving work for example and be ready for him to come home. And since he worked shift, when they had a dog and she was walking her, they could both be confident that the other would be able to notice if something went wrong.

It's nice and helps me feel connected. D27 is on her own too in San Diego and it may help her to know that Dad is keeping a bit of an eye on her. I certainly feel good knowing that she is aware of me and my movements. A loss of privacy perhaps to some, but a connection to family in others.

Would something like that help you increase your confidence perhaps?

[Gerda]

Tad, I would like to recommend a really wonderful book to you.

The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook by Edmund J. Bourne.

I found this book over the summer; where I go on this little island people just leave stuff outside their houses and other people take it since it's so hard to get stuff on and off island. So I randomly found this book and I felt like God provided it to me because it is the most perfect book for me and my son! It is full of really interesting information about anxiety and phobias and tons of amazing exercises that approach the issue from physical, emotional and psychological perspectives. It taught me that anxiety and phobias are something you can work on. You don't have to be that way all your life, it's a condition you can really mitigate and fully fix. It's really the best book! Maybe the Universe/God put it in my path not just for me and my son but so you would hear about it too. I think it will really help you.

You can also watch youtube videos about phobia work, there are some great ones out there. I did a quick search and this one looked good if you put it in the search -- Phobia Relief: From Fear to Freedom | Kalliope Barlis | TEDxWilmingtonWomen.

And of course if you are willing, you can go to a counselor about that. What you have is fixable!

Also forgive yourself. You have been through h#ll.

And don't forget to focus on what you ARE able to do. You made yourself feel like crap for only driving out of town -- but hey, you drove out of town! You could have been unable to get out of bed but you forced yourself to do that! You lost your car and now you bought a car and it's gorgeous! You go to work everyday and you made the money to buy that beautiful car! I haven't had a man in my life who went to work everyday let alone made enough to buy a beautiful car in almost ten years! You felt lonely and now you saved two kittens and are giving them a wonderful life! Try to make a list everyday of all the good things you are able to do. Instead of telling yourself, "I can't ever go to Monterey because of the pain," try, "The thought of Monterey is painful to me now but it's possible to make new memories there." Let yourself get there slowly, it will happen one day when the time is right.

(((Tad)))))

[DnJ]

HelloTad

How many miles do you have on the Galactic Aqua Corolla now? Did you pair your phone to it? Hands free calls is pretty good. I also like being able to play music off the phone, without an aux cord.

It’s coming up on two weeks and I was thinking about you. I also figured your car would be getting low on fuel and I think you know a gas station that’s just a nice little drive away.

Just a little encouragement from a caring friend. This fear stuff is difficult. I’d ride shotgun with you if I could. What music would you have blasting on our road trip?

How are P and J? They grow pretty fast at this stage. I’m sure they snuggle up to you lots.

Take care buddy.

DnJ

[tadpole1025]

Thanks Andrew, Gerda and DnJ.

Andrew, that app sounds interesting. I'll look into it. They already know to give me a ring if they haven't heard from me or haven't seen me post something on Facebook in a day or two. I will check out that app though.

Gerda, I've heard of that book. Never thought about Youtube. And yes, there was a time when I wouldn't get out of bed or leave my room. So, in that regard, I'm doing alright. Today is my birthday. Nine years ago today, I was 2 weeks post bomb drop and I spent my birthday on the phone for hours talking to a crisis counselor. So, I'm doing good...just have a few issues still. Not sure I'll ever be the same.

DnJ, To answer your questions, I have just over 1200 miles on the new car. Mostly city driving to and from work. I did pair my phone to it, but don't really use all of the features too much. I spent over two decades on the radio as a dj so I don't listen to a lot of music, but when I do, I prefer the 80's hair metal stuff. Sorry to disappoint, but I have not taken the trip. I tried a few days ago and got about 10 miles outside city limits when I came upon a coyote and two pups that had been very recently hit by a car. It bothered me a lot and I turned around and went home. (I'm hyper sensitive to stuff like that these days. Never used to be.) I couldn't "unsee" it. We have a lot of coyotes here and they are always getting slaughtered on the freeways.

I did go to the mall, but the first thing I thought of once I got inside was "what if I can't find the car when I leave?" Yeah, I'm stupid like that. Ug!

As for my two little princesses, Piper and Jazz are wonderful. Yes, they do cuddle me a lot and follow me everywhere. They greet me at the door when I get home from work and are also becoming quite vocal. So glad that I adopted them. They have both doubled their weight and are thriving. It's amazing what a little TLC and a permanent home will do. Can't imagine my life without them. There are sometimes at work when I think, "I just want to get home to my babies."

That's all for now.

Tad

[AndrewP]

Happy Birthday Tad!

[bttrfly]

sorry I'm late hope your bday was greeeeat!!!! xoxoxo

[tadpole1025]

Thanks AndrewP and bttrfly.

Nothing going on really. Spending Thanksgiving alone like I always do these days. (Boys always go to XW's because she has to overdo everything and throws a fit if they don't.)

Anyways, just feeling a little down and wanted to say hello and hope everyone has a great day.

Tad

[DnJ]

Hello Tad

Happy belated Birthday!

Sorry I missed the date, and it’s so close to mine.

Hey, two guys turned 52 over here. We are well aged, like fine wine. Or scotch. Now, now. Form a line. There’s lots to go around. Lol.

I’m really glad you dropped in. Have a great day buddy.

DnJ

[neffer]

Have a great day Tad!

Enjoy your little cats!

[Gerda]

Tad, I think I post this here already and just posted it to Pax, but I really want to encourage you to work actively on healing yourself. You are right that you will never be the same but you can become something even better if you work on healing. From me reading your posts out here in DB land, it seems pretty clear that your W ripped open a wound that was already there, just as my H did mine. Just as what your W did really has almost nothing to do with you and is all about her, it seems to me, reading your posts, that how much you are hurting and destroyed by all of this is more about something in you that was already there. Her betrayal was really real, of course, I just mean that the way it has destroyed your ability to live as full a life as you want to now is not about her but about a wound you already had. You can heal this!

Just posted this for Pax, and I will repost it here. I know you are not religious, and these two books really offer a path to healing that is totally secular --

I really recommend two books to you, they are helping me a lot. There are some cheesy or corny parts but it is helping me so much to become aware of my wounds, pre and post H, and to start to heal them. One is called, You Can Thrive After Narcissistic Abuse and the other is called, Whole Again.

[tadpole1025]

Thank you DnJ, neffer and Gerda.

I appreciate the responses.

Gerda, I wouldn't say that I am "not religous." I do believe. I believe in a higher power and try to live a decent life. I haven't picked up my Bible in a while, but I pray almost daily. I just don't go to church.

Thank you for the book recommendations. If I can get time, I will check them out. Actually, I have a hard time reading a book or being on my computer these days. My kitties have to be the center of attention. Not complaining.

I've been doing a lot of thinking about what you said about a wound that I already had. I'm no therapist, but I imagine you may be right. I believe that I may have some abandonment issues. Before XW dropped the bomb, I had two big, hurtful events in my life.

When I was 4, my mom left my dad for another man and vanished for 6 weeks. My dad was distraught and I was dumped on my grandmother. When I say "vanished", I really mean vanished. Police were involved. It was believed that she was kidnapped. She was a "missing person." She eventually married the other man and had a kid with him. (He became "the chosen one" and I was pushed aside.) I was pushed back and forth between my mom and grandmother. On her deathbed, my mom actually apologized to me for pushing me aside and pretty much ignoring me. Because of the way things were, I bonded with my grandmother and not my mom. I bonded with her the way a kid should have bonded with his mom.

When I was 5, my mom and stepdad took me away from her and moved me to California for 2 years and then to Germany for 3 years. Then, we came back to Phoenix for a few weeks and were off to California for 2 years. We moved a lot because he was in the military. (Basically, I felt that I was taken from my "mom.") I felt alone a lot of time growing up. I didn't have the best stepdad either. I was always told I couldn't do anything and was "uncoordinated" because I was left-handed. He messed with my confidence.

I've never been a fan of people blaming things on their childhood, but I'll admit, I did not have a good one. If you are speaking of previous wounds, I imagine that it has a lot to do with the things that I mentioned above.

Other stuff: I found out recently that XW has remained friends with some of my old radio friends that she met through me. They were mostly my friends when we were married. She only knew them because of me. What's the point?

I'm at work. Going for now.

Tad

[Gerda]

Tad, now that you write that, I remember that we talked about this a little bit before, and then, as now, I was like, "HOLY MOLY!" Your saying, "Hm, I guess if I think about it, I did suffer a bit as a child" is the understatement of the century. You were hurt and hurt and hurt again, abandoned and abandoned and abandoned again. And then made to feel like you were unworthy, and you probably used that to interpret that all the abandonment was your fault.

How do I know? Because I did the same thing.

And when I was reading your post here, I got the chills. Tad, we both were children of MLC mothers. We both were devastated by MLC. And then we both fell in love with people who were carrying the MLC seed in them.

Lately, reading about NPD, I have been very struck by all the signs I had that something was brewing, and I ignored them all.

I was speaking with a prayer partner of mine, an older lady in another state who I only know on the phone, and told her that I was feeling badly about all that I ignored, like it was my fault in a way for being attracted to someone who turned out to be exactly what I was trying to avoid. And she very strictly told me not to do that, but to forgive myself for being attracted to what was so familiar to me.

I mean, H changed drastically, dramatically. But I can see now that there were signs of something simmering, and that I worked really hard to keep them at bay exactly as I did with my mother for my entire childhood and teen years.

It's actually eerie.

And I had the same feeling reading your post.

But the difference is, I am deep in the thick of working on these wounds, and you are still wondering if you have any wounds worthy of examination. Tad, you are worthy of that and of much more love and care! The kind of love you shower on your kitties, you can shower that on yourself and let your Higher Power shower that on you too. You can be free of these terrible feelings of unworthiness and paralysis. You really can.

All this time I kept asking God, why did you give me a man who would open all my own wounds.

Now I think that, though God doesn't want this kind of evil for us of course, he will use it to heal us if we allow him to expose what is really wrong.

If you haven't opened your bible in a long time, maybe you should. I bet God has some things to show you about your wound, about forgiveness and a huge force of love that is waiting for you to help bring you up from the ashes to become your best self, the one whose growth got squashed by all that childhood trauma. And get that book I mentioned, it is really going to help you see clearly! Make time for that! Make time for YOU!

(((Tad)))))

[tadpole1025]

Thank you Gerda.

Sorry for the delayed response. I've been under the weather.

As for the childhood, my XW actually had a father that went into MLC as well. When she was in the 4th grade, he dropped her off at school and she didn't see him again for 20 years when she decided to look him up. He just split. He dropped her off and that was it. Sad huh? The funny thing is, when she told me about this when we were dating, I couldn't believe it. Even as a 17-year-old kid, I remember thinking "I hope that this doesn't come back and bite me later on." Weird huh?

Anyways, I'm going to go for now. I'm pretty sick.

Been thinking about my Bible. Tis the season....

Tad

[job]

Tad,

I hope you feel better soon. Hope the kitties are providing you much love and comfort while you are ill.

[tadpole1025]

Thank you Job.

Yes, the kitties always make me smile. I feel like I have a purpose again.



Sad, but true.

Tad

[job]

I knew that those little girls were going to give you a new lease on life. You're a good fur baby daddy and they are growing up and into beautiful young cats. They adore you as much as you do them.

[tadpole1025]

Thank you Job.

I get so much pleasure out of spoiling them.

And they are spoiled ROTTEN.



Merry Christmas everyone.

Tad

[job]

Merry Christmas Tad! Keep on spoiling that two adorable fur babies!

[exquisitetobe]

Merry Christmas Tad!!! ((( big hugs )))

[AndrewP]

Merry Christmas Tad from one fur Dad to another!

[DnJ]

Merry Christmas Tad

I’m pretty sure Santa spoiled a couple of cute kittens.

Wishing you the best.

DnJ

[tadpole1025]

Sorry for the late response.

I hope everyone had a nice Christmas.

I really thought I was pretty much done here, but I have a question that I'd like your thoughts on.

Without going into too much detail, my S25 had a medical emergency this afternoon. Everything eventually turned out okay, but I was not able to get to the hospital. XW did. Needless to say, we spent nearly 4 hours texting back and forth as she was keeping me updated on the situation. From time to time, she would joke around and even send a few smiley's my way.

When it was all over and I thanked her for keeping me updated, she says:

XW: "Of course. Our son."

ME: "Yeah"

XW:

ME: "See ya."

XW: "Over and out! LOL"

(This is something that my grandfather always used to say while talking on the phone.) Weird that she would say it since I thought she wanted to erase that chapter of her life and anything that had to do with me or my family....

She seemed like her old self. The last few times I have seen her or communicated with her, she has seemed like her old self. The person I know and loved.

Not sure if I like it.

The question is:

Is it weird to maybe wish that she was still angry?

Asking because it still hurts a bit when I see the old XW.

[Kyh]

Glad your son is okay. Idt it’s weird, especially when that first shift happens, but it’s something to work on. It’s hard to see glimpses or pieces of their old selves and in some ways things are easier when they’re angry. Like the rest of this experience, this will get better with time.

[DnJ]

Hello Tad

Nice to hear from you again.

I am glad S25’s emergency turned out ok.

I have a couple of thoughts I will share with you.

Weird that she would say it since I thought she wanted to erase that chapter of her life and anything that had to do with me or my family....

It’s not that they want to erase - they need too. They are driven too.

Her seeming like her old self would be difficult. I can see how one may not be sure if they like it. Which is the crux of your question.

Is it weird to maybe wish that she was still angry?

No, it seems reasonable.

Her becoming less angry is a change. And change is resisted. Even good change. It ushers in a new normal which requires establishing new balances and viewpoints. Most people like routine; they like their already established routines.

Her being angry was also an established trait, kind of defining, in the relationship between her and you; and you and her. And by the way those two views are different.

With a change of her, it will have (or has) started an affect on your emotions regarding her. It still hurts to see the old her. If her less angry version is more and more prevalent, you fear you will feel more and more hurt, therefore you wish she was still angry.

Wishes, hopes, and expectations are our desires expressed in a spectrum from unlikely fantasy to expected reality. Your wishing she was still angry is a desire. I doubt it is the only one regarding her emotional state and wellbeing.

It’s ok to hope she could get better and wish she wouldn’t. It’s ok to have conflicting desires.

Tad, you are a strong compassionate guy. Find the strength to embrace this change. While finding the compassion to resolve the conflict.

Take care.

DnJ

[AndrewP]

Hi Tad - glad to hear that your son is doing ok after the emergency.

I think that the anger - on both sides - is a protective cover that is used to distance one person from another. I've not had any contact from my ex in years but can't imagine that she has been able to sustain deep anger any more than I have myself.

As kyh says, It's easy to demonize someone where there is that haze of anger. Catching glimpses of the person we used to love is undoubtedly tough.

Does it mean that they've changed? Hard to say. Personally I'm not a believer in the concept of MLC although we certainly see what appears to be some mental illness in some of the former spouses that we attribute to MLC.

I like to believe that the "whole" person is the one represented by all of their actions even when they have acted out of character. When married, many of us glossed over things like selfishness and entitlement until things really hit the fan and then that's all we saw. The other person though is also still there too - part of the whole.

Sorry that I don't have anything concrete to add.

Hope the cats are doing well. One of mine is currently determined that my hand should be petting her and not typing.

[Gerda]

Seems totally normal to me. It seems to hurt less if they are angry and crazy because we can understand that it's not personal. The thought that they would become normal again and not be remorseful and even want to return, that hurts more. But without remorse, they aren't their old selves unless we were dead wrong about their old selves.

[job]

I'm glad your son is okay.

As for the xw and her being normal...could be she was having a moment of clarity, but let's hope she continues to act like a normal human being and not some angry individual.

Like most of them suffering a crisis, they start out being very angry and the anger hangs around throughout the crisis. They are angry at the work, angry at themselves and yes, even angry at us. For some, they do finally settle down and begin to act like rational individuals. We, the lbs, have had to deal w/that anger from them for many months, even years, and when the settle down, it truly is a shift in behavior and one that we are very leary of because we don't know how to react to this new behavior.

I wouldn't over analyze her behavior...just be thankful that she was rational and kind enough to keep you apprised of your son's medical condition. Life is far too short to over analyzie their every word or behavior.

[bttrfly]

First of all, I'm very sorry for your son's situation, but grateful it resolved.
As to your question, last time I saw my exh he was so much the man I married that I was messed up for a few weeks. I can only speak for myself, but the fact that he would return to being the man I love without returning to me is painful.

Of course, his behavior since has shown that the return was fleeting at best, if at all.

That's my take.. Good to 'see' you Tad. How are the fur babies?

Happy Valentine's Day!

[tadpole1025]

Thanks everyone.

Fur babies are awesome!

I guess I'm glad that she seems "normal", but it also hurts to see her that way because it is more in line with who she used to be.

I hate to say it, but when she is angry, bitter and spewing, it is actually EASIER on me, because it makes it easy for me to want nothing to do with her.

Blehhh.

Cutting this short because as a new cat dad, it's almost impossible to get anything done on the computer.

[tadpole1025]

Just checking in.

Been inside a lot with this shutdown. Thankfully, I'm still working. I'm not working from home though because what I do, means it is essential for me to be on site. I go out for work and groceries. That's it. I'm just so thankful to have a job.

I heard from XW a few weeks back. She has had a chronic cough for years that usually flares up when she is upset or in a high stress situation. When she first started her crisis, she blamed the cough on me. (Of course.) She still has it. (Imagine that.)

Anyways, the exchange was short:

XW: "Hi, I hate to bother you but do you know approximately what year I started having a chronic cough? I'm going to a specialist at Mayo."

ME: "If I had to guess, maybe 2008. Maybe earlier."

XW: "Ok, thank you very much."

ME: "Yeah."

I didn't ask questions because frankly, I just don't care anymore. I thought about being a jerk to her, but didn't. No point. I'm done. Interestingly, she still has the cough....the cough that she blamed on me.

A couple of other things:

Years ago, I suspected that she was on this site reading my stuff. It was a thought that was very brief. I wondered about it and then forgot about it. Lately, I've started wondering about it again. Just a feeling that maybe she is on here reading my stuff. The funny thing is, I have absolutely nothing to base this on. Just a feeling, but a strong one. Maybe just my paranoia.

Also, I think it may be time for me to leave this site soon. I've tried before, but always end up coming back for some reason. I will post a formal goodbye later. I'm not leaving yet, but think that I should soon. I just don't have much to contribute anymore and my situation is pretty much "over." Plus, in October, it will be ten years since this all began for me. TEN YEARS....hard to believe.

Anyways, that's it for now.

Tad

[Believe6]

Wow, Tad. Ten years is a long time. You have been a trooper. I just started this path. I can't imagine it in 10 years. I'll be almost 61 then. I am just living day by day. It's good that you have distanced yourself from all the prior pain. You are giving yourself the gift of freedom and your own life back. Good for you. I am sorry for whatever pain you experienced. I enjoyed reading about your fur babies and that you are moving on in life. Be well.

[bttrfly]

A couple of other things:

Years ago, I suspected that she was on this site reading my stuff. It was a thought that was very brief. I wondered about it and then forgot about it. Lately, I've started wondering about it again. Just a feeling that maybe she is on here reading my stuff. The funny thing is, I have absolutely nothing to base this on. Just a feeling, but a strong one. Maybe just my paranoia.

Also, I think it may be time for me to leave this site soon. I've tried before, but always end up coming back for some reason. I will post a formal goodbye later. I'm not leaving yet, but think that I should soon. I just don't have much to contribute anymore and my situation is pretty much "over." Plus, in October, it will be ten years since this all began for me. TEN YEARS....hard to believe.

Anyways, that's it for now.

Tad

Follow your gut re: your strong feelings.

You could always move over to Surviving the Big D ... we'd love to have you!! xoxo stay safe.

[job]

Tad,

I can't believe it's been 10 years...but look how far you have come! If you opt not to post any longer, I will continue to post w/you off line. I enjoy seeing your fur babies and they are absolutely beautiful young ladies who are giving you much joy and companionship.

Tad, you are family, as always w/family, the door is always open and we would love to hear from you whenever you have the desire to post.

[tadpole1025]

Thanks Believe6, bttrfly and Job.

I haven't left yet....and may not completely leave, just don't feel like there will be anything to post about as far as my sitch..



Job, I'd love to continue to post with you offline.

Still here for now.

Tad

[Cadet]

Years ago, I suspected that she was on this site reading my stuff. It was a thought that was very brief. I wondered about it and then forgot about it. Lately, I've started wondering about it again. Just a feeling that maybe she is on here reading my stuff. The funny thing is, I have absolutely nothing to base this on. Just a feeling, but a strong one. Maybe just my paranoia.

Also, I think it may be time for me to leave this site soon. I've tried before, but always end up coming back for some reason. I will post a formal goodbye later. I'm not leaving yet, but think that I should soon. I just don't have much to contribute anymore and my situation is pretty much "over." Plus, in October, it will be ten years since this all began for me. TEN YEARS....hard to believe.

My ex wife joined here and some other sites too - just to stalk me for our divorce.
She still has a username but it is unused.
For you I can only ask - does it matter?

Bomb drop for me coming up on 11 years - life does change.

Be good Tad, stay safe and healthy.

[tadpole1025]

Thanks Cadet.

To answer your question, no it doesn't matter. It's not going to change anything one way or the other.

Yes, life certainly does change.

Peace.

[neffer]

We share love and respect here Tad. We are family.

[tadpole1025]

Hi everyone. I told myself that I wasn't really going to post here anymore or at least not as much because I've suspected for a while that XW might be reading here although I have no proof. Honestly, I really don't care if she's reading here or not because like Cadet said, why does it matter? I've got the 10-year anniversary of bomb drop coming up in October. TEN YEARS and I'm still here. Sometimes it feels like a wasted decade. Anyways, I just wanted to share a couple of things that have happened recently.

EVENT #1

A few weeks ago, there was a birthday party for my grandson. It was his first birthday and I was there along with XW and other family members. It was at a park and complete with food, balloons and usual party stuff. The XW and I had very brief small talk throughout the day. Again, it was very brief and didn't amount to much. XW actually made my grandson's birthday cake. About an hour into the event, before the cake was served, I was sitting at a picnic table talking to one of my sons. All of a sudden, XW walks over and hands me a Tupperware container that contained a smaller version of the birthday cake that she had made. This cake though had no icing. She told me that I could eat this one because she had been reading up on Diabetes and knew that I shouldn't be eating the icing. This cake was just for me. ??? Later, I ate a little bit of it and gave the container back to her and told her thank you. I just don't understand. My son said that it was because she was concerned about my health and she was being nice. I thought it was a nice gesture, but honestly, I really don't like it when she is nice to me. Why is she being nice even after knowing I want nothing to do with her? Maybe the bigger question should be: what does her husband think about it? What the.....?

EVENT #2

This one kind of puzzles me more than the first one. So I don't bore you, I won't give too much detail, but let's just say that two of my sons have been arguing the last few days. They are grown men, but you know how siblings can be. Their girlfriends are fighting which basically means my sons are fighting. My XW and myself have both been dragged into it. Not against each other, but more of moderators trying to settle everything down and keep the peace. Just your ordinary family drama. Anyways, when XW found out that I had been brought into it, she called one of the sons and told him and his girlfriend to leave me alone. She then texted me and told me to let her know if they bug me again. Like she was looking out for me or protecting me . Then I found out that one of the girlfriends had said some really nasty and mean things to XW and got XW so upset that she was in tears. This is where it gets WEIRD ON MY PART. When I heard that XW was upset, I felt something that I had not felt towards XW in 10 years. All of the negative feelings that I've had towards her went away and all of a sudden, I felt PROTECTIVE of HER. I wanted to shut everything down and PROTECT her. I don't understand why. Knowing that she was hurt and in tears really bothered me. As mean and nasty as she has been to me....I still felt the need to PROTECT her. Any thoughts? Am I emotionally messed up? Should I have these feelings even after all that she has put me through? I do not want to be her friend and she knows it but....something has happened inside me that I can't explain. Like I said, I haven't felt protective of her in nearly 10 years. What is the deal? Am I getting sucked into where I shouldn't be? What's going on? Really spinning my wheels...

Ideas?

Help?

Thanks for listening.

Tad

[kml]

It’s been 11 years since my ex left and I wouldn’t take him back for all the tea in China. In fact I find the way he’s treated our kids and myself in the years since the divorce to be despicable. Nonetheless, I still occasionally ask the kids how he’s doing when I know he’s been having some serious health problems. I don’t wish I’ll on this person I once faithfully loved, even though he’s not capable of the same kind of generosity towards me.

Who knows why your ex made you the cake? Maybe she feels sorry for you, or feels a twinge if guilt. Maybe she’s just exercising her instinct for mothering. Maybe she has a vested interest in keeping her kids’ father alive so he can continue to help them grow up.

It’s ok, Tad. It’s a habit to care for our exes wellbeing. Doesn’t mean you want her back or are getting sucked back in.

How are you doing otherwise? My middle son just got a new kitten who is about the cutest thing I ever did see. Are you taking care of yourself? How is the grandson? Are you LIVING life?

[bttrfly]

Tad, you spent 26 years of your life with this person, and she spent 26 years with you. Forget for a moment how it ended. (Yeah, I know, I'm asking a lot, but bear with me because there's a method to the madness) -

For 26 years you had each other's backs, had children together, raised your family, loved and nurtured each other.

She was your mate.

You were her mate.

Forget for the moment how it ended.

That 26 year time frame is deeply ingrained for you, just like it is for me (ironically, same amount of time together for me and my exh). Exh would jump to my defense immediately if our son mouthed off to me in his presence, during the worst of our divorce process. I would do the same for him.

Just because we don't like how it ended doesn't negate the 26 years that was ... and still exists ... in our memories.

Cellular memory Tad. That's my conclusion for myself anyway.

Put another way: would you want to be the kind of person who would feel absolutely nothing for someone you spent the vast majority of your life with? I wouldn't.

Hope you are doing well, the kits are also and have a happy 4th xoxo

[DnJ]

Good Morning Tad

I agree with the other proposed ideas of why she made and gave you a special cake. It is a nice gesture, and she did it because she wanted to. That’s the reason - she felt like it.

I am going to challenge a statement - “I thought it was a nice gesture, but honestly, I really don't like it when she is nice to me.”

It’s weird when they change. XW’s recent behaviour towards you is out of the expected normal of the last years in the desert of no or very little interaction. It feels wrong to you. Her “new” attitude appears/feels disingenuous or suspicious when it probably isn’t. Our expectations, especially one’s we don’t realize, lead us to these weird and somewhat resentful feelings.

Do you “really” resent her being nice. I suspect you have grown accustom to her ignoring you and/or treating you poorly. I know I have regarding my XW, and she is currently reaching out to me in a pleasant manner. It’s weird.

There is nothing wrong with you. You are not getting pull into a place you don’t want to be. Perhaps you can look at this (your feelings) slightly different - you don’t need to try liking her being nice to you; maybe just not not liking it, be neutral. Just shoot for accepting her nice behaviour. Be even keeled about it. I think it’s ok to like her recent actions towards you.

All that I believe also explains your recent stirrings of protective feels towards XW. As was said, a good and long marriage just doesn’t evaporate; not in you; not in her. Of course you still care. Pretty good of you in my view. Accept the good guy you obviously are. Accept that you still like/love, have feelings for who she was, for who you remember. That doesn’t mean much more than that, so don’t worry that your heading off to some emotional ride you don’t want to be on. This is just accepting you. And accepting her.

Embrace that good guy. The man who after all this time still remembers and feels good things. That is a blessing. See it that way. Live and love your life.

D

[AndrewP]

Waves hands for the 26 year club here too.

There's a couple of different ways of looking at this.

For some of us, especially if our partner was controlling, we were in many ways a "possession". In my case during my marriage it involved my wife being quite militantly protective of me. Heaven help the person who seemed to not have respect for me. She was allowed to talk me down but nobody else was.

It's not surprising at all that she still sees herself in that role and also not surprising that you have those urges as well. I'm more fortunate than many here in that I have no insight into my ex-wife's life. It's called being human.

Just because our marriages ended in a dumpster fire kind of way doesn't mean that that history and those feeling that existed prior to that aren't valid and the fact that in part that they carry over is an indication that both of you are people with the capacity for kindness.

[tadpole1025]

Thanks kml, bttrfly, DnJ and AndrewP. I appreciate the responses.

Everything that you said makes sense. I guess it just struck me because her niceness and my feelings were unexpected. I've spent the last few days really thinking about it. Her niceness is a little less shocking because she has wanted to be friendly.

The thing that struck me the most though was her going out of her way to "look out" or "protect" me and my feelings of "protection" towards her. Those feelings of protection towards her also stirred up some others...mostly more sadness again. My son tells me that yes, she wants to be friendly, but also wants to move on. Not sure why, but the words "move on" still kind of hurt. I haven't had those feelings in a while and they kind of just caught me off guard. (Thought I had put all that behind me.) The last few days have been a little "different" and I've been a little "off" but I'm better today.

kml wrote:

How are you doing otherwise? My middle son just got a new kitten who is about the cutest thing I ever did see. Are you taking care of yourself? How is the grandson? Are you LIVING life?

Trying to live life. I'm ok. I don't get out much. I'm pretty much a homebody these days and COVID-19 makes it even worse. My doctor has me kind of in a mini quarantine because of my health issues. I do try and see my grandson once a month if I can. He's getting so big. Yes, my kittens are wonderful. I spoil them rotten. Two little, furry rock stars...they're the best.

bttrfly wrote:

Put another way: would you want to be the kind of person who would feel absolutely nothing for someone you spent the vast majority of your life with? I wouldn't.

No I wouldn't. Sometimes I wish I could be ice-cold, but you're right.

DnJ wrote:

Do you “really” resent her being nice. I suspect you have grown accustom to her ignoring you and/or treating you poorly. I know I have regarding my XW, and she is currently reaching out to me in a pleasant manner. It’s weird.

Not really I guess. I guess I'm just no longer used to her being nice to me and it threw me a bit. I'll chalk it up to "weirdness" and leave it at that.

AndrewP, Mine was quite similar to yours.

I'm at work. Gotta run. Again, thanks for the responses.

Tad

[tadpole1025]

Wow!

Realized this morning that it has been TEN YEARS today since bomb drop. Everything changed for me on 10/10/10.

TEN YEARS.

Ten years and I'm good.



Tad

[job]

Tad,

You've come a long way and you have survived! Look at all that you have accomplished over the years! Look at what you have going on in your life now...a new little boy to love and cherish, as well as my two favorite girls, Piper and Jazz. You have so much to offer and you let that love shine each and every time I see photos of your family. Keep up the good work.

[AndrewP]

Good to "see" you Tad. Glad to hear that you and your fur-babies are doing well.

[exquisitetobe]

Tad, that grand-child of yours is adorable!!
In your opinion, radio host like his granPa or RockStar like his uncle?
I love the videos you share of him!

[tadpole1025]

Thanks Job, AndrewP and exquisitetobe.

Job, you know, it's funny that you say I have so much to offer. I have lady coworkers who pretty much tell me that all the time and tell me what a great guy I am but......I'm not even close to being interested in any kind of relationship. I thought I was a while back, but I'm not. I just don't want the drama of it all.

AndrewP, yeah my little furbabies are awesome. They provide lots of fun and joy.

exquisitetobe, Thanks. Logan says hello. I think he could be a combination of a radio host or a rockstar. However, his dad is quite the comedian so maybe a combination of all three.

Take care everyone.

Tad

[exquisitetobe]

Buy him a microphone. Let' s find out!

[tadpole1025]

Haha. Not a bad idea!