Just What I Needed

[job]

Tad,

I can't believe it's been 10 years...but look how far you have come! If you opt not to post any longer, I will continue to post w/you off line. I enjoy seeing your fur babies and they are absolutely beautiful young ladies who are giving you much joy and companionship.

Tad, you are family, as always w/family, the door is always open and we would love to hear from you whenever you have the desire to post.

[tadpole1025]

Thanks Believe6, bttrfly and Job.

I haven't left yet....and may not completely leave, just don't feel like there will be anything to post about as far as my sitch..



Job, I'd love to continue to post with you offline.

Still here for now.

Tad

[Cadet]

Years ago, I suspected that she was on this site reading my stuff. It was a thought that was very brief. I wondered about it and then forgot about it. Lately, I've started wondering about it again. Just a feeling that maybe she is on here reading my stuff. The funny thing is, I have absolutely nothing to base this on. Just a feeling, but a strong one. Maybe just my paranoia.

Also, I think it may be time for me to leave this site soon. I've tried before, but always end up coming back for some reason. I will post a formal goodbye later. I'm not leaving yet, but think that I should soon. I just don't have much to contribute anymore and my situation is pretty much "over." Plus, in October, it will be ten years since this all began for me. TEN YEARS....hard to believe.

My ex wife joined here and some other sites too - just to stalk me for our divorce.
She still has a username but it is unused.
For you I can only ask - does it matter?

Bomb drop for me coming up on 11 years - life does change.

Be good Tad, stay safe and healthy.

[tadpole1025]

Thanks Cadet.

To answer your question, no it doesn't matter. It's not going to change anything one way or the other.

Yes, life certainly does change.

Peace.

[neffer]

We share love and respect here Tad. We are family.

[tadpole1025]

Hi everyone. I told myself that I wasn't really going to post here anymore or at least not as much because I've suspected for a while that XW might be reading here although I have no proof. Honestly, I really don't care if she's reading here or not because like Cadet said, why does it matter? I've got the 10-year anniversary of bomb drop coming up in October. TEN YEARS and I'm still here. Sometimes it feels like a wasted decade. Anyways, I just wanted to share a couple of things that have happened recently.

EVENT #1

A few weeks ago, there was a birthday party for my grandson. It was his first birthday and I was there along with XW and other family members. It was at a park and complete with food, balloons and usual party stuff. The XW and I had very brief small talk throughout the day. Again, it was very brief and didn't amount to much. XW actually made my grandson's birthday cake. About an hour into the event, before the cake was served, I was sitting at a picnic table talking to one of my sons. All of a sudden, XW walks over and hands me a Tupperware container that contained a smaller version of the birthday cake that she had made. This cake though had no icing. She told me that I could eat this one because she had been reading up on Diabetes and knew that I shouldn't be eating the icing. This cake was just for me. ??? Later, I ate a little bit of it and gave the container back to her and told her thank you. I just don't understand. My son said that it was because she was concerned about my health and she was being nice. I thought it was a nice gesture, but honestly, I really don't like it when she is nice to me. Why is she being nice even after knowing I want nothing to do with her? Maybe the bigger question should be: what does her husband think about it? What the.....?

EVENT #2

This one kind of puzzles me more than the first one. So I don't bore you, I won't give too much detail, but let's just say that two of my sons have been arguing the last few days. They are grown men, but you know how siblings can be. Their girlfriends are fighting which basically means my sons are fighting. My XW and myself have both been dragged into it. Not against each other, but more of moderators trying to settle everything down and keep the peace. Just your ordinary family drama. Anyways, when XW found out that I had been brought into it, she called one of the sons and told him and his girlfriend to leave me alone. She then texted me and told me to let her know if they bug me again. Like she was looking out for me or protecting me . Then I found out that one of the girlfriends had said some really nasty and mean things to XW and got XW so upset that she was in tears. This is where it gets WEIRD ON MY PART. When I heard that XW was upset, I felt something that I had not felt towards XW in 10 years. All of the negative feelings that I've had towards her went away and all of a sudden, I felt PROTECTIVE of HER. I wanted to shut everything down and PROTECT her. I don't understand why. Knowing that she was hurt and in tears really bothered me. As mean and nasty as she has been to me....I still felt the need to PROTECT her. Any thoughts? Am I emotionally messed up? Should I have these feelings even after all that she has put me through? I do not want to be her friend and she knows it but....something has happened inside me that I can't explain. Like I said, I haven't felt protective of her in nearly 10 years. What is the deal? Am I getting sucked into where I shouldn't be? What's going on? Really spinning my wheels...

Ideas?

Help?

Thanks for listening.

Tad

[kml]

It’s been 11 years since my ex left and I wouldn’t take him back for all the tea in China. In fact I find the way he’s treated our kids and myself in the years since the divorce to be despicable. Nonetheless, I still occasionally ask the kids how he’s doing when I know he’s been having some serious health problems. I don’t wish I’ll on this person I once faithfully loved, even though he’s not capable of the same kind of generosity towards me.

Who knows why your ex made you the cake? Maybe she feels sorry for you, or feels a twinge if guilt. Maybe she’s just exercising her instinct for mothering. Maybe she has a vested interest in keeping her kids’ father alive so he can continue to help them grow up.

It’s ok, Tad. It’s a habit to care for our exes wellbeing. Doesn’t mean you want her back or are getting sucked back in.

How are you doing otherwise? My middle son just got a new kitten who is about the cutest thing I ever did see. Are you taking care of yourself? How is the grandson? Are you LIVING life?

[bttrfly]

Tad, you spent 26 years of your life with this person, and she spent 26 years with you. Forget for a moment how it ended. (Yeah, I know, I'm asking a lot, but bear with me because there's a method to the madness) -

For 26 years you had each other's backs, had children together, raised your family, loved and nurtured each other.

She was your mate.

You were her mate.

Forget for the moment how it ended.

That 26 year time frame is deeply ingrained for you, just like it is for me (ironically, same amount of time together for me and my exh). Exh would jump to my defense immediately if our son mouthed off to me in his presence, during the worst of our divorce process. I would do the same for him.

Just because we don't like how it ended doesn't negate the 26 years that was ... and still exists ... in our memories.

Cellular memory Tad. That's my conclusion for myself anyway.

Put another way: would you want to be the kind of person who would feel absolutely nothing for someone you spent the vast majority of your life with? I wouldn't.

Hope you are doing well, the kits are also and have a happy 4th xoxo

[DnJ]

Good Morning Tad

I agree with the other proposed ideas of why she made and gave you a special cake. It is a nice gesture, and she did it because she wanted to. That’s the reason - she felt like it.

I am going to challenge a statement - “I thought it was a nice gesture, but honestly, I really don't like it when she is nice to me.”

It’s weird when they change. XW’s recent behaviour towards you is out of the expected normal of the last years in the desert of no or very little interaction. It feels wrong to you. Her “new” attitude appears/feels disingenuous or suspicious when it probably isn’t. Our expectations, especially one’s we don’t realize, lead us to these weird and somewhat resentful feelings.

Do you “really” resent her being nice. I suspect you have grown accustom to her ignoring you and/or treating you poorly. I know I have regarding my XW, and she is currently reaching out to me in a pleasant manner. It’s weird.

There is nothing wrong with you. You are not getting pull into a place you don’t want to be. Perhaps you can look at this (your feelings) slightly different - you don’t need to try liking her being nice to you; maybe just not not liking it, be neutral. Just shoot for accepting her nice behaviour. Be even keeled about it. I think it’s ok to like her recent actions towards you.

All that I believe also explains your recent stirrings of protective feels towards XW. As was said, a good and long marriage just doesn’t evaporate; not in you; not in her. Of course you still care. Pretty good of you in my view. Accept the good guy you obviously are. Accept that you still like/love, have feelings for who she was, for who you remember. That doesn’t mean much more than that, so don’t worry that your heading off to some emotional ride you don’t want to be on. This is just accepting you. And accepting her.

Embrace that good guy. The man who after all this time still remembers and feels good things. That is a blessing. See it that way. Live and love your life.

D

[AndrewP]

Waves hands for the 26 year club here too.

There's a couple of different ways of looking at this.

For some of us, especially if our partner was controlling, we were in many ways a "possession". In my case during my marriage it involved my wife being quite militantly protective of me. Heaven help the person who seemed to not have respect for me. She was allowed to talk me down but nobody else was.

It's not surprising at all that she still sees herself in that role and also not surprising that you have those urges as well. I'm more fortunate than many here in that I have no insight into my ex-wife's life. It's called being human.

Just because our marriages ended in a dumpster fire kind of way doesn't mean that that history and those feeling that existed prior to that aren't valid and the fact that in part that they carry over is an indication that both of you are people with the capacity for kindness.